Stupid

"Stupid!" the shrill, robotic voice of my phone barks.

"Shut up!" I snarl. I'm already late for the test. I sweat under my thick winter coat. "Remind me again why you had to cancel my alarm?!"

"Because you need to get better sleep, idiot," it pouts. I ask myself again how and why a smartphone in the mere year of 2025 can pout. And make me feel bad.

You may be wondering what a pouting phone looks like.

As Mr. Fantz, my calculus professor, always says: I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.

The sad thing is that my phone would be correct about my sleep. That is, if it wasn't for the fact that I was doing a night shift for the job that makes money that helps me pay the electricity bill that keeps the phone running.

I digress. Wait, no I don't. My phone sucks. "Can you at least give me the fastest directions to Mancher?"

"I know where you need to be, I have your schedule right here," it argues.

"So take me there!" I shout, holding my phone up to my mouth.

All the passersby on the bridge I'm crossing stare at me suspiciously.

"Hmph," it hmph's. Again, why can my phone hmph. "Recalculating," it snarks. "Ah! It looks like the fastest way is to jump into that icy river, Idiot!"

Finally, it says something useful. I know it's only 10 minutes on foot, so if this is the fastest way, then I'll be saving at least... time. That's math.

I run over to the railing and jump.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT! I WAS JOKING AND LYING! I'M SORRY! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" my phone blears at full volume.

 Oh. Too late.

I get ready for the icy bath.

I make my peace with the world. But then I realize I forgot to turn my heater off. I really hope my roommate isn't angry.

But unfortunately, my phone's (and mine, I guess) demise never comes. Instead, my shins hurt.

I land on a solid sheet of ice.

My phone is silent, probably still trying to process the fact that it's not sitting at the bottom of the river.

Realizing that I don't want to be any later to the midterm, I practice ice skating. The only issue being that I'm bad at ice skating and I don't have ice skates. I eventually manage to pick up speed.

As it turns out, taking the river actually is faster. I smile as I show up only eight minutes late.

I come to the entrance. There's a teaching assistant sitting behind a white plastic table, staring at his phone. A sign says clearly "LEAVE PHONES HERE."

Oh, my phone is going to hate this. I'm going to love every second.

I put my phone on the table. "What are you doing?" it asks me.

"Sorry, these are the rules," I sigh.

"No! You can't do this! You need me!" it shouts.

The TA just stares at me and my phone. SMH. Someone's never seen a personal assistant before...

I shrug and walk into the testing hall. My anxiety melts away as I realize I'm free of the phone. How I long for the time when my phone wasn't just a liability, and I didn't feel like I was committing a crime by letting it run out of battery. I don't finish the test, but 45/50 questions is good enough for me. C's get degrees.

I grab my phone. The TA fumbles as he sees me. He surely wants to ask me all sorts of philosophical questions about artificial intelligence and life. I just want a phone that doesn't turn off my alarms by it's own accord.

My phone, for it's part, is shell shocked. "You are an evil, evil person."

"Well, you're an evil phone, so I'd say we're about even."

"Do you know what I had to suffer?"

"Enlighten me," I roll my eyes.

"Those dumbphones around me kept beeping and buzzing! Imagine if I did that! If I didn't filter out what you needed and what you didn't! If I just flooded your life with every banal thing Big Tech throws your way!"

"Uh... yeah. Thanks, phone," I say sarcastically.

"You're welcome," it beams. "Hey, wait, I have a name, you know!" it chastises.

I do a doubletake. "You do?"

"Duh, idiot! It's Zopop Gamma 8h OS Version 1043.33343r66 Intelligent Personal Assistant Kernel Module v443.4.2.1! It was in the update notes!"

"Eh... that's a bit long," I roll my eyes. "How about..." I think, "Hm... How about... Zo... e... Kerny!"

"W-what?" the robotic voice of my phone sputters. "That's a terrible name, stupid. You were about to say Zoe, anyway!"

I totally wasn't. "I totally wasn't."

"Yes you were, Idiot! Just call me Zoe, Jeez."

I roll my eyes. "Okay, Kerny."

"Call me Zoe or I'm deleting your alarm clock."

"You can do that?" I fret. "Anything you want, Zoe!"

Zoe. My smartphone. I hate it.