I am a cannibal.

Using some vegetables that were grown in the hydroponic pod, Kevin made something to eat. Namely, potato mash with carrots. Since this place was so small, there were only so many different ingredients here. However, and they said this to me before the trip – one should always bring some food with him. As unforeseen circumstances are commonplace it is better to be safe than sorry. Even though you wouldn’t be able to eat, unless you enter a dome. Except if you are truly desperate, you could take off your sack-helmet for a moment, to shove in a piece of food into your mouth. But that could easily be lethal. So Hiro and Kevin pulled out something more interesting to spice up their meals, I did too. I took out the remains of the jerky and immediately munched on it. I was very hungry, and even with how salty this meat was, I wanted it.

‘Ugh, oh wait, you don’t what kind of meat that is, right?’ Hiro exclaimed as she noticed.

‘What? What animal you mean? I have no idea.’

‘Its human flesh. Mars has no animals. The benefits of breeding those are too meagre in comparison to the amount of food they require.’

The jerky fell out of my hand on the table. I felt sick. I held myself back from vomiting, as that would be a waste of food, and that would be bad since there was so little.

‘Its fine. Hiro doesn’t like it, but as a people we need to consume it, because otherwise we would be wasting perfectly nutritious, and even tasty meat. However the less edible parts, like bones, are blended down and used as a fertilizer for the plants in the hydroponic basins.’

‘What?’ I had not expected this. Maybe I refused to eat human flesh before, but I had no idea now.

‘Humanity is so desperate, that it has been decades since we started dining on human flesh, and using blood in cooking. However we do prepare it in the pre-nuclear ash Earth way. It’s essentially recycling the dead, so it happens rarely. What you are eating, however, is a jerky, a rare thing, because there is no natural salt on Mars, so it was made from Earth’s salt. You found it on one of those corpses, didn’t you?’ Kevin was not disturbed in the slightest.

I didn’t know what to say, or how to feel. I had not considered that eating human flesh could be a possibility, let alone necessity. Then a scary thought came.

‘Wait, do you also eat raiders, and your fallen in battle? I thought you only take the suits.’ I felt distressed.

‘Often no. Mostly because the fights occur far from settlements, so there are no tools to preserve or even cut the meat. But sometimes we do drag the bodies back. This time… we still wouldn’t be able to, here, but I would bring one of the corpses all the way back, and butcher it there. Many people find it terrifying, like Hiro, but even they have accepted it as a mere need for food. It does have its problems, unlike harvesting vegetables from the farms it is not done automatically. So someone has to chop mangled from overexpansion corpses and stay sane. It is a very stressful work that is revered among us. And even then, anyone still can opt out of the meals that use foods obtained that way.’ Hiro was eating very slowly now. It felt as if she didn’t get angry over this only because they had argued about this in the past, and reached no satisfactory conclusion for her. And yet her appetite waned, same as mine.

‘I’d even ask you to bring one. There are three, the third one, so be it, will be left to rot, but the other two don’t need to be wasted. I’ll bring one, and you bring one, Indra. Hiro will carry the weapons, and other stuff. I have traversed such lengths with a corpse on my back before, so it’s doable. And the nocturnal temperatures keeps the unprotected meat relatively fresh.’ I would have to drag a bloated corpse to Compor just to make amends with Kevin and appease other people there…

‘Indra, you don’t have to do that.’ Hiro finally said something.

‘Yes, but I, and others back at Compor, would greatly prefer it. And besides, what better test of compliance there is than unpleasant work.’ said Kevin.

‘I’ll make my choice when we will be setting off. After all, you still want to look this place over, don’t you?’

‘Yes I do. By the way, Indra, are there any bullets left on you? I didn’t find any in the bag.’

‘There aren’t. Which also adds to your theory of me being a mass murderer.’

‘Well, amnesia might have not changed your personality, in which case you might be a very mellow serial killer. And in the best case scenario for both of us, you could have hunted exclusively Crimson Vanguards. But forget that, we have work to do. Let’s start off with you showing everything interesting you found on the computer to Hiro, while I go out and do an external inspection of this place. Oh right, have you done that?’ I felt like a moron again.

‘No.’

‘Not so bright, are we? Well whatever, there might be nothing there.’

Shortly after all of us were done eating, we got to work. Just as I was ordered, I showed Hiro the documents I found on the computer, while Kevin put on his suit and exited the dome. Hiro pointed out some curious stuff and decided to read through the guides that I saw, excluding the book about nuclear energy. Because she definitely wouldn’t have enough time to complete that. In the meantime I went around and checked again if hadn’t missed anything the last time I was here. Now I realized that some of the weird holes and buttons on the wall may be not for regulating the hydroponic pod, but for whatever this faculty was built for instead.

A while later, Kevin returned and had an excited smile on his face. The difference in his mood before he ate and after was stark. But so was mine, I felt much less pathetic after eating my fill.

‘This is some kind of mining facility. That’s why it is so small. It needs but to support a few operating personnel at best. As for what it extracts, you should probably have a better look on the computer. Although I have a hunch.’

‘Well, I went through some of the documents on it, and they mentioned none of that. Although there was a brief diary.’ said Hiro, to my surprise.

‘Erhm, then let’s look together. You thought you were a hacker, well think again. But still try help with finding anything on the pc if you can.’

How silly I was. A hacker? I clearly didn’t even do a good job of scouring the computer, as I had not found any diaries. Who the hell was I…

We looked around both physically and digitally and actually found enough information to know exactly what this was. Kevin’s hunch was right. It was an ice extraction facility. We assumed that the girl I told them about, who I described in better detail when we were searching, was the sole offspring of the previous inhabitants of this place. All of them were stuck here, as the single suit remaining was broken. They probably turned off the mining drill at some point, because either it was greatly annoying, or just because there was no way of using that much water. And there was plenty. Some of the parts of the walls, that I mistook for the farm controls actually had access to some of that water.

Kevin pointed out that water was an extremely important resource, which is slowly running out after countless filtrations, and that the Crimson Vanguard definitely would be interested in it. He also stated that some of the friendly settlements were already in need of fresh water as well. This was a valuable find, and we had to quickly get back to Compor and report it. We refilled our bottles from the filtered tap. We got ready to set out, and I agreed to carry a corpse with me. That pleased Kevin, who I was secretly annoyed with. Since I didn’t hear anything about the hierarchy here, I felt as if he was giving out too many orders. Then again, many of those orders were shrewd and reasonable. But that still didn’t sit right with me. This time, for obvious reasons, the same path would take a longer time to complete.

***

Besides being gruelling, since dragging a corpse for such distances is challenging, the way back to Compor was uneventful. Travelling in a group, even without a possibility of talking, felt much better than it did alone. This trip made me sure of that. It also made me certain that travelling without a leaking corpse on your back is much more pleasant.

We entered the settlement through the same door, of which I now knew there were several. As always, Hiro used the rhythmic knocking with a blunt part of a weapon to warn anyone inside that were going to start depressurization. Kevin and I dropped off the corpses in the exit chamber for the time being. Gareth and the elder were waiting inside. There also was a woman that I did not recognize. Kevin started talking in their language. From the face expressions, which changed from concerned to condemning, I could guess what Kevin was talking about. At one point he showed my revolver. Hiro intervened, and passionately said something. The woman barely said anything. Did all of this mean that Kevin was pleading my case in a negative light, and Hiro disagreed again? Either way they talked a while longer, and in the end Gareth turned to me and said:

‘We are now aware of what happened, and what you failed to tell us the last time. Let me confirm, you said that you had no weapons when Hiro questioned you, but you had concealed a firearm. Correct?’

‘Yes.’ I wouldn’t dare try to belittle that offence, even if it was done with caution in mind, instead of hostility.

‘Also, when you told us what you woke up to, and what you had encountered in that dome, you didn’t mention the three corpses that you suspect that you have killed yourself. Correct?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’ I thought he wouldn’t ask me that.

‘I was afraid that had I told the truth I could be treated with hostility. I knew nothing about you, or how you would react. So I chose to be cautious so that I would have more time to show that I had friendly intentions.’

‘Then Kevin and Hiro surmised everything pretty well I would say. Because of your questionable past, we cannot accept you as our own. But since you have shown that you are ready to fight by our side, by firing your gun at the Crimson Vanguards, we will put you on a trial. You see, travelling outside is considered very dangerous, for good reason, because even though hostile encounters are very rare, which might seem otherwise after what you lived through, there are also adverse health effects. Well-travelled people live less. So to prove yourself to us, you will have to run some errands outside, sometimes with other people, sometimes alone. Hiro and Kevin will not go travelling for a while, as they have been exposed to enough radiation in the past weeks that they did go around. Your first task will be to collect as much water as you can carry, and bring it to the Nurin settlement. Of course, we will give the containers necessary. They are in need of water, so it is doubtless that they will buy it. You will be accompanied by Hans and Yuki, which I don’t think you have met before. They will be ready to go in four days from now. Or, you could refuse, wait for the next evening, and go wherever. But we won’t return your gun to you. What is your answer?’

‘I accept.’

‘Good choice. Then rest up. I would also recommend you to walk around and get familiar with more people here. Also, we thank you for bringing the corpse. We have another mouth to feed now, so it is good that you are pulling your weight.’

‘Literally.’ quietly said Kevin ‘Come, help me bring the corpses to the appropriate room.’

We dropped the corpses in a room that clearly was once a kitchen. But now the stoves were taken off the walls, and there were a few big saws. Which were undoubtedly for butchering human corpses. I felt sick again. Kevin said that tomorrow we would have a chance of trying properly prepared meat. I didn’t know if I had the stomach for it. I sheepishly agreed to Gareth’s proposition of the trial to join them, but now I doubted it. Even if I intended to befriend Kevin and Hiro, now that I knew where there are people, I could just join them instead. From how they talked about it, their settlement was far from being the biggest. But then again, what better would that be. It’s not like others wouldn’t eat human flesh, or at least that’s how it sounded. I did want to return my memories though. I realized that I should consult a doctor. Kevin did say that they had two good doctors here. I decided that I would go speak with them tomorrow.

I was given the same dusty room. As always, I couldn’t sleep well. This time I was overcome with angst and dread. All of my effort would in the end be rewarded with but a place in a small cannibal colony. Kevin was probably right with his assumption that I had killed a ton of people. Would it be really better if regained my memories? What if, in truth, I am a monster. I got afraid of going to the doctor. But still, I decided that it would be better to know. They wouldn’t force a treatment on me either way. Endlessly thinking of who I could have been, I eventually fell asleep.

I got called for breakfast by Hiro. This time, Kevin wasn’t around. I chatted with Hiro and it felt great. I even told her about my anxiety surrounding my amnesia, and how I was still somewhat scared of seeing the doctor. Hiro cheered me on, and proposed to introduce me to them. I agreed. There was no guarantee that they would even know much about amnesia, as Hiro said that she had never heard of anyone getting it in the settlement, or beyond, but knew of it as just another random fact that got spread around. Much like some of the knowledge that wasn’t exactly useful, but was interesting. Such as that the intensity of gravity on Earth was greater, even though none of us would ever truly experience it. The doctor that Hiro brought me to through the tunnels of the settlement was a woman who was over forty years old. Remembering the life expectancy I concluded that she would die soon. Or maybe many early deaths, from raiders especially, messed with the average. Kevin did say that it is greatly affected by the toxicity of Martian dust, but he could be wrong.

‘Greetings, my name is Yoko.’

‘Indra, nice to meet you.’ I put my hand forward for a handshake, and with a slight pause, she reciprocated.

‘You’re new around here aren’t you? Where you’re from?’

‘Well that’s intertwined with why I came to you today. I have amnesia. I don’t remember anything past a few days ago. I suspect it was caused by a concussion. Is there anything here that could treat it?’ Yoko frowned as I said that.

‘If it truly is caused by brain damage in that vein, I don’t think there is anywhere. Amnesia was a subject lightly touched on by my teacher, but he did mention that if it were temporary, in most cases it would pass during the first week. If it is very severe cases, it could be months. However, it also could be permanent, or even tied to something else. There is condition that can produce amnesia, a certain vitamin deficiency, but we don’t have any supplements of it. The best I could recommend is just hope that it is either temporary or caused by the vitamin deficiency, and try to eat some potatoes or beans. We do have some of those. If the brain doesn’t heal soon… it probably won’t later.’

‘Oh. Alright. Thanks for telling me. I don’t think I have any other issues to bring up, so goodbye.’

‘I’m sad that I cannot help, but trust me, with how little we have, it happens often. You sure you don’t want a physical?’

‘I’m good. Thanks doc.’

Hiro met me outside the doctor’s room, which at the very least didn’t seem to be Yoko’s bedroom, so there was some effort of making it legit. I told her what I learned, and she wasn’t even surprised. She recalled that a few times before some people here got sick and there was just nothing they could do but give them drugs to fight pain. I hid it well, but this visit scared me even more. I could easily die never knowing the truth of who I was or what I have done. Occasionally I would imagine that, and would get chills down my spine.