Chapter 15:

Hana hates

She Can't Be That Perfect!!


On the day of the fete, Hana has nothing to do. She looks like she’s patrolling the booths, but she’s just wandering aimlessly, no thoughts running through her head. She loves it. Having a moment to herself is so rare, it feels like a reward. And she deserves one, with how well she’s handled everything. But, if it weren’t for Amy, she wouldn’t have tried so hard. She’s the one who made it fun.

Hana has always found this part of the day revolting. Her first visit happened when she was just a child. Leah Murphy decided that taking her to the fete would be the best way to show her the people she will be dealing with and she was correct. The theme was Life After Death and the students looked like they had one foot in the grave and were aching to put the other in.

Despite all the cheers and applause, their faces stayed set in a permanent scowl. “They were snubbed from the real deal,” Leah said; they couldn’t be in the show. That’s when Hana understood the world she was going to enter. One where people only win when those around them lose. And those who lose become decrepit husks. However enthralling and pristine their performances, the performers were soulless actors. They had no heart, nor passion and the commoners’ genuine admiration whipped them like mocking cackles.

Today, Hana walks down the alleys, hearing nothing but joy. Classically trained painters draw caricatures, culinary prodigies serve hot dogs, fries and candyfloss and world class guitarists strum campfire songs. To think these were the same people that teared up learning they’d be running the booths and now they’re laughing their jaws stiff. Amy did all of this – and she’s not here to see any of it. What she said on the first day of planning has stuck with her.

“You probably feel like shit and I’m the reason why. I can tell you’re thinking something like ‘this talentless bitch decided I’m not good enough for the show?’ and I get that. I’m in way over my head and this pressure is killing me. But I’m preaching to the choir. I’m under a pillow and you’ve been crushed by hydraulic presses all your lives. So, what I want from you is not your best. You’ve given that too much. Just – have fun, okay? –“

Hana will help you. She greenlit everything. They thought their suggestions to be stupid and outlandish, when the florists wanted to weave and wear flower crowns and the programmers asked to run an augmented reality petting zoo. Passing by it, she can’t help a smile. The visitors are loving the holograms, but not more than the cute nerds running it. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that beneath those cold, godlike façades lie children deprived of childhoods and of normalcy. It’s – bizarre.

She settles on a bench, her grin starting to dangle. There’s something welling in her chest; warm, giddy, proud. She did help them, all these spoiled, rich, bred-for-greatness brats she detests, and she doesn’t know why or how to feel about it. She’s been their better all her life, treated like she was beneath them and now? They’re sharing the same happiness, just like Amy wanted. It’s right – but feels so wrong.

“– any questions before we end the tour?” Sean’s voice jerks Hana out of her mind. He’s at his most confident, partly to be the brotherly figure to the gaggle of boarding school runts on his tour and partly to impress the Astella father and daughter that follow him with admiration. She’d never thought this sight would bring her comfort. A little mischief should lighten her up.

“Fancy seeing you around,” she calls out. Sean throws her a hostile glare as she stands up, dusts her skirt and bows. “Headmaster. Mr Murphy. Miss Astella.”

“Ah, Miss Tasugami,” Edward says, “we were just discussing your work.”

“All good, I should hope.”

“It sure is – unique.”

A cheer erupts, commanding their attention. A little girl with cat ears and whiskers drawn on her cheeks is standing atop a counter, holding a monstrous pastry above her head. If she were beaming any brighter, the onlookers would have to stop clapping to shield their eyes.

Sean scoffs, “Looks like the commoners are having fun.” A jeer suffuses the children on the tour, a mockery reflected in Edward’s pleased smirk.

“Isn’t that the point?” Hana offers.

“We’re not a circus, are we?”

“Well, we already have a clown.”

A couple glares strike Hana, but she takes them on the chin. She nods to the side, a lanky guy with a red nose and rainbow frizzy hair passing by. Sean doesn’t look convinced, but he can’t lose his cool. She hears his teeth grinding, though, music to her ears. Almost.

“So, how was the tour? Did you like what you saw?” she asks the children. They all turn to Sean, as if waiting for a signal. He throws them an icy stare, freezing their lips shut.

“Why wouldn’t they? The academy is – a place of dreams and wonders.”

“I don’t know. Maybe they got tired of looking at your crooked back.”

“As if. It’s one of my best features.”

“It does save one from seeing your face.”

“You –“ he growls, but quickly composes himself “ – wouldn’t know handsome if it stood one foot before you.”

“Where did you take them?” she quickly changes gears. Sean’s caught off guard, his brow rising to diffuse the sweat.

“H-here and there. Everywhere, really.”

Hana sucks his teeth, “Still haven’t learnt the names? Oof.”

“Miss Tasugami,” Edward cuts. Much as she wants to keep teasing, there’s only so much she can do without repercussions. She takes a step back and lowers her head. “You’ve done a grand job. I must admit, I’m aching to taste some of the food from your stalls. Sean?”

“Yes, si – Edward?”

“Shall we?”

“Shall we…”

Indulge.”

Mr Astella’s voice chills the air around him, rendering Sean a bumbling mute. This is the only time Hana respects him. When his trenchant nature seeps through the cracks and one word carries more meaning than a speech. Tail between the legs, Sean walks over to a nearby stand and taps a guy’s shoulder. They converse for a while, Sean continuously begging, only for his ‘friend’ to refuse. But when he looks at Mr Astella, he gulps and instantly agrees. They walk back together with Sean announcing that his ‘colleague’ will lead them back to their bus.

“Wonderful,” Edward claps his hands. “Mia, dear, Sean and I have something important to discuss. I believe you haven’t seen the booths yet?”

“Not really, I – haven’t had the time.”

“What a shame. Miss Tasugami, would you be a doll and accompany my daughter?”

“Certainly, sir.”

“Splendid. Try to steer clear of snacks. Wouldn’t want you to get sick before showtime. Toodles!”

Laying a heavy hand on Sean’s shoulder, Mr Astella leaves, the crowd all but splitting to make them room. Left alone, Hana sighs. Being encumbered with Mia wasn’t how she thought she’d spend the closing hour of the booths, but she has no choice. Might as well have some fun with it. She brushes past Mia, malice brimming in her eyes.

“Come, Star. Let’s go.”

“Where?” Mia replies, starting after her.

“To see the dreadful peasant fair your commoner friend and I put together.”

“I – like it, actually.”

Hana winces, but just barely. To herself. “Sure.”

“It’s nice. It has – something else.”

“Personality. Look around.”

“Reminds you of Amy, doesn’t it?”

“How so?” Hana slows down, narrowing her gaze on Mia. There’s something different about her, a bit of hurt and unease that’s far from her norm. It’s new, ingenuous and acute, but even so, Mia looks happy. She’s enjoying the booths in all their quirky glory. Passing by them gives her a strange sense of hope.

“It just does,” Mia blushes after a long pause. “It feels… warm.”

“Happens when you allow people to have fun and make mistakes.”

Mia chuckles, “If only we could all afford that.”

Please. Your father buys silence at a premium.”

“I’d need a time machine.”

“To do what?”

No answer. The silence grates Hana. She used to enjoy the melancholic quiet between their interactions, but that’s because Mia would be breaking down, shattered, destroyed. Now she’s just… remorseful. No one could mistake her for a goddess right now. She’s human and not ashamed to show it, warts and all.

“What happened to you?” Hana asks.

“Hm?”

“You’re not yourself.”

“I’m not?”

“No witty retorts, no snide remarks. You’re –“

“Honest. Is it that surprising?”

“Yeah. Why with me of all people?”

Hana hears Mia stopping and turns around. They’re at a crossroads, Mia searching down a side alley for something. Not an answer, she has that prepared, nestled at her chest and guarded by folded arms. Suddenly, her gaze lights up, only to die down right after. Ashamed or dejected, Hana can’t tell. She could read her like a book before and now she’s all hieroglyphics.

“Truth or lie, you’ll never care about what I say,” Mia mumbles. “I guess that makes it easy for me not to care in return.”

“What did you do?”

“I blundered.”

“How?”

“Woman, I will kill you where you stand!” Ray shouts from a distance. He’s stomping towards them, Amy buzzing around him. She moves in, then out, trying to comfort him with a touch, but stopping in fear just inches off his arm.

“You’re overreacting!” Amy replies. “It’s –“

“Please don’t say it.”

“– okay.”

Ray lifts his head towards the skies, trembling from every limb. He takes one deep breath, two, three and by the fourth, nothing’s changed. His eyes crack open, bloodshot and his hands grip an invisible neck.

“R-Ray… are you –“

“Please stop talking.”

“What’s going on?” Mia asks, stealing the question from Hana’s mind.

“A –“ Amy starts.

“Fucking catastrophe!” Ray explodes.

“– couple lights collapsed. About half of them.”

Mia leans closer, “Sabotage?”

“We – don’t know,” Amy whispers. “There was some melting, but we have been running them non-stop for almost two days.”

“How bad is it?”

“Fucking fuck fuuu –“ Ray interjects

“It’s… salvageable.“

“Then why are you here!”

“I – was looking for you.”

Hana blanches. Mia and Amy are so close to each other, their faces flush and they can only exchange short glances before they get too nervous. The shop talk done with, their tongues swell and tie up. Ray coughs and raises his fist to his brow, issuing two short whimpers.

“C-can you h-help me with this?” Amy asks.

“I don’t know,” comes the answer.

“C-can we try?”

“I – sure.”

“I’ll come –“ Hana flinches, a rage-crying Ray crumbling right in front of her. What’s going on? His free hand is holding hers with an uncanny strength and no shuddering.

“Shouldn’t we get him too?” Mia asks, already a couple paces away.

“No, I think he could use a break…”

Consternated, Hana watches on. She can’t even begin to voice all her thoughts, they’re all trying to rush out of her mouth, clogging her throat. Amy and Mia slowly fade into the crowd, the last image she has of them is each of their shy attempts at holding hands, so as not to lose each other in the thicket of people. Meanwhile, Ray stops snivelling, peeks behind him, then gets up as if he hadn’t fallen apart just moments earlier.

“What?” he asks nonchalantly.

“You – I –“ Deep breath. “Explain.”

“Okay, so –“

Walk. And talk.”

“Have I told you how scary you are today?”

“You haven’t seen scary yet.”

And he won’t get to either. It’s hard to surprise someone who knows the ins and outs of everything about the fete, but Amy still managed to do it. The lighting rigs are fine, they were just a pretext to get Mia to the Hall of Titans a fair bit of time ahead of curtain call. There, she will find that the show’s heroine had just been struck by a bout of ‘nuclear diarrhoea’ and she won’t be able to perform. Luckily, Mia will be just the replacement.

Hana lets out a heavy, pained groan.

“You sound mad,” Ray notes.

“Thanks, I like emoting. Something doesn’t add up. Why –“

“Do you care? It all went according to plan.”

“Not mine. This is wrong.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Mia and Amy? Have you not seen them?”

“No?”

“Right, I forgot. You were busy failing as an actor.”

“Fooled you, though.”

“Only because I’m having a rough day.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Ray points towards The Tavern. It’s a rustic hut, taken straight out of a medieval fantasy, fulfilling the dreams of a bartender with a passion for brewing, a couple artists with cottagecore affinities and servants who’ve always wanted to dress up. They settle at a small, but stout table and a waitress in a barmaid outfit brings them two flagons. Hana takes a precautionary sniff. It’s orange soda, but looks and foams like beer.

They’re the only ones left. The setting sun marks the end of the booths and the beginning of the end. Tomorrow, this place will be demolished and all they’ll have is the memory of a day when they could all be free to enjoy themselves as they pleased. Hana sighs, the quaint atmosphere lulling her towards lethargy. She’s tired of thinking, of living, of everything. Any second now, she’ll receive a call from the Murphy residence. With Leah coming to the show, the servants are headless chickens, running amok. She envies them. She’d love to have someone give her life direction and meaning, as opposed to deriving it from hatred towards the Astellas and their brethren. But alas, it’s who she is. A heinous shrew.

“What’s wrong?” Ray asks. He’s been fixating her for a fair deal of time now, she’s been wondering when he’d say anything. Really, she thought she’d be prepared, but she isn’t. She downs the rest of her flagon, slams it on the table, then joins his side on the bench. He stiffens up. It’s not fair. Why isn’t everyone like him? She leans her forehead on his arm and fights a tear when it shuffles away to wrap around her. He’s warm.

“You’re seriously worrying me.”

She chuckles, choking, “You really suck. Can’t you just hug me?”

“You know what sound humans are coded to hate?”

“Toddlers crying.”

“My mother’s nurse. When father would go on tours, she’d have no one to leave me with. I’d go with her to the maternity on night shifts and fall asleep to weh weh weh. Suffice to say, I’ve had enough of that.”

“Are you calling me a baby?”

“You’re acting pretty childish.”

“I want to be a child. They feel good, pure things.”

“How are you feeling right now?”

“Stabby.”

“And?”

“Sad and angry and jealous and I seriously want to stab you.”

“I’ve gotten a little chonky lately. Amy said I’m soft. A good pin cushion.”

“You are soft, urgh…”

Ray snickers, “Why are you so mad?”

“Because… I hate everything. I’m working full time at seventeen, I’m a servant, I’m going to this school, I’ve all but built this whole place from the ground up and I haven’t had a choice in any of this. I hate Mia, I hate Sean, I hate Astella and I hate every kid born into wealth who’s complained about feeling adrift and constrained. They have everything, I have nothing, they can do everything and I can do nothing. I’m stuck in that house, secretly wishing it’d burn down. I’m evil. I hate myself. I hate what I’ve become. I made all these rich knobs happy today and all I could think about was how it was wrong. But it wasn’t. I’m wrong. Why aren’t you saying anything?”

Because he’s laughing. Gentle, sympathetic hoots. Not mocking. Why isn’t he mocking? He can’t possibly understand any of this, but he isn’t trying to. His arm doesn’t move one bit away from her; he doesn’t want to let her go. Why not?

“I hate you,” she mumbles.

“Why?”

“I don’t need a reason.”

“You’ve spent a good minute explaining why you hate everything else. Am I special?”

“Yes.”

“That makes two of us.”

“Smooth.”

“It’s the truth. I thought you were something else from the moment we talked under the willow.”

“You were just horny and touch-starved.”

“I touch girls daily. Shut –“

“You did not just say that, my lord.”

“You know what? I did. What are you gonna do about it?”

“Laugh.”

“Sounds like I won then.”

“For now.”

Someone clears their throat behind them, a guy, met with swift backlash from the barmaids. He must’ve felt bitter, seeing her and Ray like that and the girls defended them. She knows both of them from some far ago parties. They’re house staff, just like her. They understand. Someone will always understand.

Ray peers outside through the small window, then checks the time. The moon’s almost risen. It’s late.

“We should go.”

“We should.”

“Could you –“

“No.”

“Child.”

“I’m tired.”

He sighs, finally letting her go. But it’s only to circle around the bench and drop to a crouch by its edge.

“Hop on.”

“I was joking.”

“I’m not.”

She can tell. He’s never been this serious before. She scampers across the wood, slotting on his back and he secures her feet. It’s weird. For years her heart had beaten a constant rhythm and only a day of effort would make her pulse rise. Now it’s skyrocketing and she doesn’t mind it one bit.

“Aren’t you worried?”

“About?”

“Rumours.”

“From whom?’

Dusk has left the garden empty and desolate. The visitors have been ordered out and the students must’ve gone home by now. A few surely tried sneaking into the Hall of Titans, but Ellie probably caught them and kicked their butts by now. They’re alone. Crossing the alleys, slowly making their way up. An hour ago this place was bustling and now it’s quiet and creepy.

“Do you love yourself?” Ray asks.

“What?”

“It’s an easy question. Yes or no.”

“I – don’t. Do you?”

“Hell no. I curse too much, I get mad a lot and I’m shifty as fuck.”

“But you’re – nice. You should love yourself.”

“So are you.”

“I hate you.”

“Hate logic.”

“Compliment me.”

“You’ll get cocky.”

“I am cocky. And needy.”

“Fine. I like you.”

“That’s not a compliment!”

“Wow. Rude. I should drop you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t. You’re forthcoming and super resilient for the shit you go through. You’d fall and bounce back up.”

“I like you too.”

“We’re here.”

They sit sheltered by the enormous arch, before the black doors beyond which lies an ambush of millionaires and brownnosing. Hana would love to just – not go. She’d rather sit here for the night and talk and talk until Leah collects her and Sean and takes them home, where her life will reset come morning. But it’s Ray and Amy’s work and she likes them both.

“Wanna hold hands?” Hana asks.

“Ummm?”

“Are you serious right now!”

He takes her by the hand and pushes the door open. He was serious. Too good of an actor. They enter the vestibule, the last stretch of normalcy before the chaos. In front there’s clinks of glasses and fake laughter, to the sides there are students freaking out, struggling to put the last bits of the show in place.

“Do you think it’ll all go down well?” Ray says.

“Of course. You’ve done an amazing job.”

“Sabotage-wise.”

Hana hesitates, but just for a second. That’s something none of them have any control over, something that should freak her out, but she’s uncharacteristically calm right now. Maybe it’s because she’s about to walk into a gala, wearing her street clothes and displaying affection in public. Or maybe it’s because she trusts that her, Ray, Amy and Ellie have done a good job. Although, she hasn’t seen Ellie at all today.

Pope Evaristus
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