Fantaschiel!! The Legendary Rom-Com without Romance or Comedy in it
“So, I’m telling you bro, the world is, like, totally round,” the man seated in front of Dezechiel tries to make his point.
“If you really think about it, it can’t be anything except for a ball,” he continues.
The angel nods absentmindedly. If not for the debt of 30,000 gold coins they racked up by destroying half of Dentalia, he wouldn’t be forced to listen to societal outcasts with a lay count as low as his own. Wait, did he just insult himself?
Lacal Luth. Some self-proclaimed scientist who posted a job that could fetch quite a sum. Listening to him is unfiltered pain, but even a single step closer out of corporate debt is a blessing. Especially in this economy.
The truth is they were arrested because they tried to exit the country without having settled with the town beforehand. He thought they could just flee to escape the responsibility, but apparently, the omnipresence of debt collectors is just as set in stone as the fact that he won’t get a girl in this town either.
He shakes his head. He has to stop basing his worldview around popularity with girls, because this kind of ranking system doesn’t place him too high.
“So, you agree? The world is round?”
Dezechiel turns his bored gaze towards the man in front of him. It’s one of those people you can’t even be bothered to pretend you care, even though you should.
“But why?” he asks a simple, but devastating question.
“Like… what makes you think that?”
The scientist scratches his chin. “So, for instance, you know how you should technically be able to see for miles from a high place? So why can’t you?”
“Bro, I can’t see the fucking menu from here, that’s how blind I am,” the angel points towards the writings in the front of the tavern, which he can only make out as vague scribbles.
“Well, like, there’s this thing called gravity that means things are pulled towards each other and…”
Dezechiel raises a brow. He puts the man’s and his beer next to each other, then points at them with a mildly infuriated expression. It sure as hell doesn’t look like they are getting any closer.
“It’s really hard to explain, but it’s the reason things fall to the ground…”
“Shit falls down,” the angel says with a very unimpressed expression.
The scientist scratches his head.
“Anyways, can we get to the job you were talking about?” Deze cuts to the chase.
“Right…” Lacal Luth is finally torn out of his fruitless endeavor of trying to explain. “Recently, there’s been this girl that’s been disrupting my work. She raids my place every now and then, ruining what I do! You must stop her!”
Getting disrupted by a girl? Sounds nice. He wishes Fantastasia could disrupt his mornings by bringing him an omelet rice into bed, maybe while wearing a maid costume…
“Are you listening?”
“Oh, yeah, a girl that needs taking care of,” he stops daydreaming. “Where?”
“She has a hut just a little south of here, near…”
“Alright, thanks, I’ll let you know once I’m done,” Dezechiel cuts him short while getting up.
“Stop!” the scientist commands him. “You must know, the location is surrounded by The Unveiled Abyss. It is the spawning place of many…”
The angel hushes him. “Bro. I know what The Unveiled Abyss is. You know what it is too. Why are you explaining it?”
Lacal Luth scratches his chin. “Indeed, why am I… It doesn’t make any sense.”
“Right. If that’s all, I’ll be on my way.”
“Before you go,” he gets stopped one more time, “take this. When you meet the girl, hand it to her.”
The scientist puts a neatly packaged box into his hand. It looks like one of those presents that you’re really hyped for after you see it under the Christmas tree, but it turns out to be a mug or something. Why would you be giving someone you want to get rid of a… present?
Fantastasia wakes up in her comfortable bed. With a loud yawn, she gets up, then goes straight into the bathroom.
She believes in taking care of herself- in a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if her face is a little puffy, she puts on an ice pack while doing her stomach crunches.
After she’s done with that, she walks into the shower. There, she uses a whole catalog worth of beauty products. Once out, she puts on an herb-mint facial mask, which she leaves on for ten minutes while she prepares the rest of her routine. She uses products with little or no alcohol because alcohol dries your skin out and makes you look old.
Fan-Fan looks into the mirror and under her light blue eyes. Doesn’t seem like there are any wrinkles, so she must’ve been following her routine properly for those two years she doesn’t remember. Her fingers wander towards a small box with a bit of fluid and two red contact lenses inside.
The girl brushes her incredibly long pink hair. Despite being really impractical and always getting in the way, she rarely ever ties it up.
Then, she puts on her cute flimsy dress, which offers absolutely no protection against the enemy attacks and reveals a little too much. After all, the only acceptable version of female armor is a good skirt! If she’s going to die, at least let her die pretty! Though she sometimes wishes the dress code for main heroines wasn’t so irrational and strict.
That’s right. Fantastasia suffers from main character syndrome. She’s read one too many books targeted towards the audience of young girls. The ones where the tall, slim and mysterious protagonist kisses the heroine before forcibly taking her on an unforgettable adventure where they end up falling in love. She has a childish side like that.
Fantastasia always acts like there’s no real danger, refuses to wear anything but cute dresses with an unhealthy amount of frills into battle and suffers from regular asthmatic attacks due to her many allergies.
That last point is unrelated though.
But back to the girl novels. The demon lass actually has a friend- also an adventurer. For the sake of anonymity, let’s call her Elizabeth. Elizabeth was an ordinary village girl- brown hair, brown eyes, lived her whole life where she was born. One day, a tall, slim and mysterious knight- so obviously, checking all of the boxes- appeared and due to unfortunate events, she was forced to go with him on an adventure.
While out there in the wide world, on a journey as dangerous as telling Dezechiel he’s most definitely beginning to bald, through trial and error of hazy mistakes, an unorthodox relationship started to bloom: a run of the mill village girl discovering the forbidden fruit with a silent, inexperienced royal knight, who slowly opened her heart to her.
Fantastasia twitches her feet under the table at the thought like she’s just eaten a sour candy.
But back to the story. Eventually, after an arduous adventure, the two of them managed to cull fate together and finally received a happy ever after. The last time Fan-Fan saw Elizabeth, she had four kids and was happily married in a castle of her own.
The demon girl runs her fingers down her fit stomach. She shivers at the thought of four kids coming out of there and having her body destroyed like that. But, like, if it’s for love, it can’t be that bad… right?
Aaah, how she wishes Dezechiel would die in a freak hairdressing accident and a tall, slim and mysterious knight just slammed her door open and came in to take her away!
The door to her room slams open and a tall, slim and mysterious figure stands in the doorway.
Her body shakes with anticipation, ready to give herself in to the mysterious knight who so selfishly barged in to take her away. Has her time finally come?!
“Fantastasia, we’ve got a quest to go on,” a familiar voice announces.
“Fuck you!!!” she shouts at the unassuming Dezechiel.
“Huh? What did I do to deserve that??”
“Fuck you!!! That’s what you did!”
The two of them finally find the place. Because of Deze’s short attention span and him leaving before he got the exact instructions for how to get there, the trip took a lot longer than it should’ve. And due to Fan-Fan’s crippling pollen allergy, it was extended even further.
The two of them ended up quarreling the whole way there, arguing about pointless topics like whether Fantastasia snores or how top hats don’t make a person look ‘gentlemanly and established’, but rather pretentious and cringe.
The home of the bothersome woman is situated on a small floating chunk of ground surrounded by a long fall to The Unveiled Abyss.
To shortly explain. Continents are just giant islands swimming in the immaterial sea that is The Unveiled Abyss. If you were to dig down for long enough, you’d eventually fall down there. But that’s something for the miners to worry about.
Naturally, sometimes, there are cracks throughout the land, carving out even smaller islands that float above the fall.
And this woman’s living space is situated on one such island. Normally, getting there would be tricky, but there is a rope bridge leading right to her home.
“Make sure not to slip and fall into The Unveiled Abyss and die like an idiot,” Fantastasia jokes around as they make their way onto the unstable looking construction overseeing a really long fall.
“Don’t worry, everyone knows what’s in there. I wouldn’t want to,” Dezechiel answers with a smirk.
That’s right. Everyone knows what lies in The Unveiled Abyss. EVERYONE. Anyone who doesn’t would be laughed out by their peers and dubbed an idiot. Even children as young as four years know all about it.
The two of them knock on the heavy wooden door. Once it opens, a cheerful figure of a teenage girl comes into view.
“A,” she looks a little surprised, staring right at Dezechiel.
“A-,” he stares back.
Fantastasia doesn’t notice any of this. Her observation skills go down about twenty points if pollen is involved. Or dust. Or cats. Actually, there’s quite a lot.
“Greetings, your name is…?” Fan-Fan starts off hesitantly, looking the cyan-haired girl in the eye.
“Ah, right,” she finally snaps back to reality, “Lysterinn. My name’s Lysterinn.”
“Right miss Lysterinn, would you-”
“Uhm, can we come in?” Dezechiel cuts her off.
The cyan-haired maiden is caught a bit off-guard. “Oh, yeah, feel free to.”
The two of them make it into the humble abode that is the home of the mysterious girl.
Fantastasia snatches a couple of napkins off the window sill like she’s a homeless person nicking fish in a seaside market. In her mind, napkins are complementary for the visitors. Thus, this isn’t really a crime.
Dezechiel keeps whistling. Truth be told, he can’t quite whistle, but the attempts he makes definitely have the same effect as the whistle at the start of a race- makes people wanna run.
Lysterinn keeps awkwardly looking over her shoulder, observing the two guests. Or maybe just one. Hard to tell.
“Sooo, what brings you two here,” she asks, breaking the silence.
Deze pretends like he didn’t hear that. Fan-Fan looks over at him, sighs, then decides to take the initiative.
“Oh, you can just call me Rin-Rin.”
“Alright, Rin-Rin,” Fantastasia switches her approach, “do you happen to be acquainted with someone by the name of Lacal Luth?”
“Ah,” the girl stops right in her tracks, “no idea who you’re talking about!”
Lysterinn lies as naturally as she breathes. Even the demon girl with a stuffy nose can smell something’s up.
“Oh, you guys hungry? I’ve actually made some really delicious cheesecake. Want a taste?” their cyan-haired host avoids the topic entirely.
“Actually, we’re here to-”
“Sure thing!” Dezechiel cuts Fan-Fan off once more. The girl growls like a dog whose owner forgot to feed them dinner, but leaves him be. After all, she has quite the sweet tooth herself.
And she proceeds to act like it. Despite being a little reluctant at first, she wolfs down the cake in seconds.
Dezechiel takes his time, lost within the cyan-haired girl’s eyes. He’s not called a playboy wannabe for nothing.
“Uhm, so,” Rin-Rin starts off.
“Ah, actually,” Deze interrupts her, true to his streak of stopping everyone mid-sentence today, “I got a gift for you.”
He takes the present out of his pocket, handing it to the stunned girl. Before she has time to accept it or act embarrassed, the fancy package explodes in his hands. Thrown against the wall, Dezechiel gushes out blood, his breath knocked out.
He turns to the girl who’s having a hard time catching breath on the floor next to him. A quick glance back to the table reveals the cheesecake has been laced… with peanuts!
The door to the room blasts open. Lacal Luth barges in, smiling at the sight of the two defeated figures on the ground. The mad scientist laughs, tearing off his fake mustache.
“The truth is…”