Regarding Sakurai Kimura / 北村朔雷について

Outside, Akari sat on a chair for some time, appreciating the peaceful night sky. Minutes later, she was joined by me. I occupied the spot next to her.

“So it's just the two of us, huh? I'm surprised no one else is awake. I suppose they are all tired. I am too.”

“And I'm surprised someone else is still wide awake, given their fellow classmates are all in their bedrooms, probably sleeping by now.”

“Well, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about. Something only you could tell me.”

“And what would that be?”

“Your sister.”

“Ah, I see. That shouldn't come as a surprise, honestly. It was only a matter of time until one of you approached me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Isn’t it natural to want to know more of your friends? Sakurai surely wanted to. So much so that she kept telling me about you and Ueno in the messages she sent. It made me really happy to know she had friends that amazing.”

“You mean the ones you read,” I corrected, with an unintended touch of arrogance.

“Yes. During all these years, I've distanced myself from her too much. In between university activities, studies, and work, I almost never found time to check on her.”

“Yeah, I understand. No, I really can't claim to get it, to be honest. I… never had a sister or brother, or have any idea of how busy university life is.”

“That's okay. If what Sakurai told me of you is anywhere close to reality, I know you'll do your best to avoid repeating the mistakes I did. I only recently graduated. Until then, I barely had room for other things. I intend to compensate for the time we lost by hanging out together on these holidays and in the coming months.”

“Umm… Akari? Can I call you that?”

“Mhm. It's alright. What is it that you wanted to know regarding my little sister?"

“Ahhh, right. She's always so happy and lively, which is strikingly different from you. I'm wondering… has she always been like that?”

“Oh, so that's what you were so curious about. It's true that Sakurai is always positive, sometimes overly so. But she wasn't always that way.”

“Really?”

“Yes. In elementary school, she was very detached from everyone in the class. She was scared of others, afraid to be judged by her classmates because of what she liked. She simply wasn’t ready for that world yet. Truthfully, the reality we experience can sometimes be very daunting when it clashes too hard with our expectations. Our only choice is to adapt to that new reality. An issue arises when we fail to do so. To her, they all seemed more ‘grown-up’ than she did. But was it her solely fault for not being able to change and meet the shape the world required her to take? As I couldn’t really bring myself to blame her for it, I always ended up comforting her, telling her time and time again that it was completely normal to like those things. What else was I supposed to do? Instead of opening up to her classmates, she clang dearly onto me. I couldn't refuse my little sister's requests, especially since she put so much trust in me. Family was all she had back then. That and her esteemed stuffed teddy bear, which she referred to as Matsumoto,” she giggled a bit as she pronounced its name.

“That’s a weird name for a teddy bear, if it was me I’d just call it Kuma,” I thought.

She continued.

“Since a very young age, she always confided her deepest secrets and thoughts to it, claiming it’d answer back when she talked to it. This situation continued until her fourth year of elementary. Eventually, that day came.”

“The day you left her?”

“We’re not there yet.”

“Ah, sorry.”

“Not long after, she got the news I had applied for a senior high school in another prefecture. She was very sad, knowing she'd get to see her sister way less often going forward. I talked it out with my parents and the teachers to figure out a high school closer to our house. In the end, I did manage to enter a high school in our city. However, I asked for something in return from my little sis. She had to make friends in junior high and stop relying on her elder sister at all times. She had to grow up.”

Ah, a little progress, albeit this isn’t where the story ends.

“We both kept our promises. Three years later, as of my high school graduation, when I had no choice but to move away from home, despite how much she had changed, deep down, she was still the same little sister, unable to deal with my departure.”

“I see. I’m surprised, the Sakurai I know really isn’t like that. She’s really changed.”

Suddenly, the subject of our talk appeared seemingly out of thin air.

“Talking about me behind my back without including me? I didn’t think you two were this shameless.”

“How much of it did you hear?”

“Roughly half of it,” she replied.

“Also, why are you here?”, I proceeded with the short interrogatory.

“I went to the kitchen to have a glass of water and glimpsed the two of you next to each other from the window.”

“Are you going back to your bedroom?”, her sister asked.

“Can’t really do it now, can I? As sis here went ahead with it, I’ll simply complete the full story. After all, a tale is better told through the protagonist’s eyes.”

I sympathize with that. Well, it’s not like I’m biased or anything.

“I was devastated when you left me. While it was true that I had made friends by then, none of them mattered as much as you did. This may sound stupid, but in the following weeks, my greatest friend was that teddy bear. I still have it to this day.”

“Wow, you loved it that much,” she noted.

“Mhm,” she nodded, “I reflected back on what you told me, ‘You’ve got to adjust to the challenges the world poses you’. And so I did that. My friends wanted an extroverted ‘me’. They wanted me to partake in more activities with them. They wanted to know more about me. I gave them exactly that, I put on a mask. I came to the conclusion you have to put a front, a mask, in order to hide your fragile self.”

Indeed. That's just how the world works. Life isn't all just truth, just like the air isn't just oxygen. A delicate balance between lie and truth is necessary, for the joy of some and the discontent of others. She understood that.

“This isn't to say the 'you' you show to everyone is a lie. It's just as real and genuine as your sheltered self. Whether you like it or not, it's a part of yourself. As time went by, I worked hard to build that new me, so that no one would have to know my weak self. I became one of the school’s top athletes and scored high grades in all subjects, always aiming for the top ten. I made plenty of friends. I became the polar opposite of what I used to be. It felt great. And that was when, in my last year of junior high, I met her. Hatsui Yokoyama—a girl all alone in our classroom. When I spotted her, I was instantly reminded of the past. The more I talked to her, the more I saw of myself in her. I too was once like that. Afraid of others, afraid of what they’d think of me. I attempted to help her, she even said yes, but in the end, she didn’t manage to follow through with her promise. Clearly noticing her behavior and being well aware of where it’d lead, I talked with the teachers about it. They vowed to keep a careful eye on her, doing everything in their power. I, on the other hand, left her a message on one of the manga volumes from the series she was currently reading, knowing she’d soon pick it up on one of her daily trips to the school library. Looking back, I should've done more, but I feared my interference would only make it worse.”

“What did it say?”, I inquired.

“That’s a secret. You can ask Yokoyama if it bothers you that much.”

“I will.”

“When I graduated from junior high, I lost most of my friends. I thought I’d feel sad for losing them. But I felt nothing. Deep down, I never saw them as such. What I had with them this entire time wasn’t genuine. If that was how I felt, how could I even call them friends, right?”

“Kimura…”

“Anyway, I recalled my encounter with Yokoyama. It made me realize one important thing—hiding my other self from others didn’t make me genuinely happy. I had found the answer I was looking for so long. I shouldn’t let others dictate who I am. I didn’t need to choose between the extroverted and introverted ‘me’. They were both parts of me. I just had to learn to accept them as such. Only then could I form genuine friendships.”

“I’m really glad to know you found what you were looking for,” her sister remarked.

“Big sis, I’m not over yet!”

“Oh, I’m sorry!”

“Upon checking my class placement, I noticed Yokoyama had also successfully enrolled in the same high school. That day was also when I met Ishida and Ueno.”

“Ah, yes…”, I confirmed, recalling that event.

“That’s all.”

“Heading back to your room?”, Akari asked.

“Yeah. Goodnight!”, she declared, with her usual joyful demeanor, striding off.

With us all by ourselves again, she relighted the fire.

“Looks like she’s gone. I wanted to quickly ask you something alone.”

“I’m all ears.”

“It’s about Natsuko. Sakurai told me she was shy, but, I realized that wasn’t the case at all.”

“She was never shy, to begin with. She's a transfer student who went through a lot before being enrolled in our high school. Due to her past experiences, she became afraid of others and concealed herself in a shell to hide from everyone. As time went by, I'm certain she realized there were friends who'd take care of her, and slowly opened up to all of us.”

“Ah, so that’s why.”

Taking advantage of the current subject, she squeezed out a final question.

“By the way, what kind of relationship do you have with her? I see you two together all the time, so I’m kind of curious to be fair. Don’t tell me you’re—”

“W-We’re just friends, that’s all!”, I swiftly answered, flustered, uncomfortable with her question.

“Ah, okay, okay. You didn’t need to be so adamant. Anyway, it’s my turn to sleep now. See ya!”

Nonetheless, Akari easily saw through it and commented to herself, “Ah, so that’s how he feels… good luck, Ishida.”

“I’ll go too.”

And that was it. The end of our lengthy conversation.

Later, in my bedroom and inside my futon, I reflected on it.

What kind of relationship do I have with her…? We’ve been living together for months now. Do I… see her as a friend?

“Aaahhh, I don’t know, I don’t know…,” I uttered indecisively, shaking and covering my face with a pillow, embarrassed.

And… what does she think of me?

Powerless to find a response and assaulted by fatigue, I fell into the realm of sleep.