The Promise

Thursday, February 14th

Valentine’s Day

Eliza could barely sit through any of her classes on The Day. But it wasn’t for the reason she had been expecting. Yes, she was nervous for how the night would go, but that was surprisingly the furthest thing from her mind. No, what was on her mind was something she tried to avoid thinking about when she was off the clock: work.

Eliza wasn’t blind. Especially when it came to Dawn. So when Dawn had started visiting her at work, not an uncommon occurrence but in the past it had only been on her day off, she took notice. When Dawn had started giving letters instead of her name, she took notice. When those letters started to spell something, she took notice.

I, L, O, V, E, Y, O, U.

It was a very simple message to figure out. And it should have been just as simple to interpret. And Eliza wasn’t able to just take it at face value.

It was such a simple message. Eight letters. Likely split into three words. Eliza could just take it at face value. She longed to take it at face value. But doubt festered in the back of her mind. And the front of her mind.

The message might not be complete.

It wasn’t impossible. Eliza was just jumping to conclusions by assuming it was complete. Really, the only evidence that it was complete is that it was Valentine’s Day. That seemed like a natural endpoint for the message. But it was also a completely arbitrary assumption on Eliza’s point. Maybe when Eliza next went in to work, Dawn would come in and order something under the letter R. Maybe the complete message was something like “I love your hand.” It wasn’t impossible.

It might be a coincidence.

It wasn’t impossible. Dawn could have just been choosing letters at random, and they happened to spell something out. Statistically speaking, it wasn’t the most unlikely thing. Twenty-six letters to choose from, eight times one was chosen. Eliza didn’t know the odds, but she did know that they were above zero. It could have all just been one big coincidence that Eliza was reading far too much into. It wasn’t impossible.

It could be a joke.

It wasn’t impossible, and Eliza hated that the thought even crossed her mind. Sure, Dawn could make jokes. She did so quite often. But never in a way that would hurt someone else. That wasn’t who she was. Eliza was positive that Dawn wasn’t joking with her message, if it really was a message. And yet… and yet she still believed that it wasn’t impossible.

Eliza closed her eyes tightly and let out a sigh. She took a deep breath and let out a deep sigh. Then a shallow breath and a shallow sigh.

The message might not be complete.

It might be a coincidence.

It could be a joke.

The teacher’s voice broke through to Eliza. Her eyes snapped open and scanned the notebook on her desk. It was opened to a blank page. At some point Eliza had dropped her pen on said blank page. She hadn’t been taking notes at all. That wasn’t good.

The message might not be complete.

It might be a coincidence.

It could be a joke.

Eliza reached out to pick up her pen. Her hand missed the pen and brushed the page again. She frowned and tried again. She managed to touch the pen, but instead of grabbing it she just pushed it away.

The message might not be complete.

It might be a coincidence.

It could be a joke.

Eliza gulped and lifted her hand to examine it. It was shaking. Shaking so heavily she couldn’t even pick up a pen. That was… that was new. Eliza had been known to shake before. It was one of the more severe symptoms of Spiraling. But to this extent? It had never gotten this bad.

The message might not be complete.

It might be a coincidence.

It could be a joke.

Eliza closed her eyes again and tried to slow her breathing. A quick glance at the clock showed less than ten minutes left in class. She could handle that. She could put up with Spiraling for that long and then slip back to the room. She could do that.

The message might not be complete.

It might be a coincidence.

It could be a joke.

She could do that.

897

Thursday, February 14th

Valentine’s Day

Dawn was indescribably nervous. Frankly, indescribably nervous felt like an understatement. But there wasn’t really another way to describe what she was feeling. Terrified came somewhat close, but she wasn’t feeling the fear that typically accompanied being terrified. But Dawn was feeling something akin to fear. She was afraid that things would go wrong and the night would be ruined. But that fear was nowhere near prevalent enough to be able to classify her as terrified.

Not for the first time in her life, Dawn cursed the limitations of the English language. She hated how narrow it could get when it came to describing emotions. Emotions were complex things with subtle nuances to each one, and English just gave them basic labels such as joy, sadness, fear, anger, and disgust. Dawn would say she hated the English language. Not because she actually hated it, but because hate was the closest word to the complex and nuanced emotions she felt towards it. Although, Dawn did have to admit that it provided an excellent distraction from the terror-yet-not-terror that she was feeling.

When it came down to it, that’s really all she could do. Provide a distraction.

She was ‘terrified’ that The Day was going to go wrong. That she’d somehow mess things up. And she couldn’t stop feeling that way. There was nothing she could do or say to cheer herself up. All she could do was distract herself. And she’d have to keep doing it until she was no longer ‘terrified.’ And that wouldn’t happen until the next day. When it was no longer Valentine’s Day and she couldn’t ruin it. She’d never intentionally ruin it, but intentional isn’t the only way things can be done.

Dawn stood up from her desk in tandem with the rest of her class. Just a few more hours and then she and Eliza would be off celebrating Valentine’s Day. Dawn was simultaneously excited and feeling betrayal. She was excited to spend time with Eliza. Always had been and always would be. But it felt like a betrayal to be excited. A betrayal to herself for celebrating a holiday that she hated, and a betrayal to Eliza for faking her feelings about this holiday. Honestly, Dawn wished that she didn’t have to do so. She wished that she and Eliza would treat this as just any other day. But that wasn’t going to happen. Eliza had given no indications that she disliked Valentine’s Day. So Dawn would go along with it for her.

897

Eliza would never be grateful for Spiraling. It just couldn’t happen. But she could admit that sometimes, every now and then, once in a blue moon, when the stars align, there was a silver lining to Spiraling. It never failed to get Dawn to drop what she was doing and cuddle Eliza. That would probably be more impactful if it weren’t for the fact that Dawn would do it anyway. It also gave her an excuse to get to the room early and gave her more time to get ready.

Eliza had long since planned out every detail of the night. From what she’d wear (most of her outfit didn’t matter, but it was imperative that she wear the sweater Dawn had given her) to what they’d do (a short walk, reminiscent of their first date, and then a picnic that Eliza had stashed at their destination after work the night before) to even a few conversation topics if they needed them (they wouldn’t. Dawn and Eliza were never at a loss for words. And, even if they didn’t speak, they had long since reached the point where silence between the two of them would be comfortable). Eliza had everything planned out and knew it. There was no need to go over her plans again. But she did anyway. It gave her something to focus on.

As Eliza focused she managed to mitigate the shaking in her body. It was still there, but it wasn’t as noticeable. The only way someone would see it is if they were looking for it. What really slowed the shaking was when Eliza put on Dawn’s sweater. After that, there wasn’t much Eliza could do. She could go over the path she and Dawn would take in her mind, but only in her mind. She was cutting class for this. If she left to do anything she’d run the risk of getting caught and in trouble. She couldn’t risk that. Not today. It was for that same reason Eliza couldn’t check on the picnic she’d prepared. She just had to hope and pray that it was still there.

Eliza wasn’t even sure what she was worried about. Of course it would still be there. The spot it was in was completely out of the way. As far as she knew, she and Dawn were the only people who knew about the place at all. It would still be there, exactly as planned. Everything would go exactly as planned. Eliza would make sure of it.

897

Dawn slipped into the room and found Eliza already there. She was perched on the very edge of Dawn’s bed. She wasn’t lounging or relaxing or anything like that. Her posture was perfect, as if she were in class. Dawn would almost call it tense. The only thing about Eliza that was somewhat relaxed was her eyes. Her eyes were closed. It quickly became apparent that Eliza hadn’t noticed Dawn’s arrival.

Any other time there was no questioning what Dawn would do. She would smirk, sneak across the room, sit as close to Eliza as she could, wrap an arm around her waist, and rest her head on her shoulder. But Dawn couldn’t bring herself to do so. Eliza hadn’t noticed her, and Dawn would startle her if she did what she wanted. Dawn couldn’t bring herself to startle her like that. Not with how tense she was. Instead, Dawn gently knocked on the still open door.

Even though Dawn announced her presence in the gentlest way she could, it was enough to startle Eliza. She jumped in place, a very impressive feat for someone who was sitting. Her eyes snapped open and she looked over at Dawn. Her face instantly softened when she saw who it was. Dawn appreciated what that said about the level of trust Eliza had for her, but it was the moment before Eliza’s face softened that Dawn took note of. The only way Dawn could describe it would be to call it guarded. First tense and then guarded. The tenseness Dawn could excuse as being caused by the holiday. But the guardedness? That came from something else. And when it was combined with the tenseness it started to paint a picture. A picture Dawn did not like in the slightest.

Dawn forced herself to calm down. She had two, admittedly flimsy, pieces of evidence. While she shouldn’t ignore them, she shouldn’t take them as gospel. Not yet.

Eliza stood up and approached Dawn. Specifically, she approached Dawn’s arm. Naturally, Dawn held out her hand for Eliza to take. Unnaturally, Eliza bypassed her hand and latched onto Dawn’s arm. Unusual, but certainly not a red flag. Perhaps a red tint.

“I take it you’re ready to go?” Dawn asked teasingly.

Eliza blushed. “Something like that,” she said evasively. Her hold on Dawn’s arm tightened just the slightest bit.

“Alright,” Dawn said, nodding as she did. “I was thinking we could start with a walk? Nothing too fancy, but…” Dawn trailed off. She’d have waved her arm vaguely, trying to gesture what she meant, but Eliza currently had it in a death grip. Even so, she knew that Eliza understood and agreed with what she was saying. She’d have to have been blind not to notice the way her face lit up at Dawn’s suggestion.

“That sounds like a good plan,” Eliza said softly. Dawn ignored the thought in the back of her head telling her that Eliza hadn’t spoken that softly in a long time. She tried to ignore it recounting what happened when she was speaking that softly. If there was something going on then Eliza would tell her. She’d promised.

Eliza wasted no time in gently leading Dawn out of the room. Dawn didn’t have time to drop off her backpack, though she probably would have kept it with her anyway. They barely paused long enough to lock the door behind them before continuing on. Eliza took the lead, dictating the path that they were taking. That wasn’t what Dawn had planned. She’d planned that this walk would end just next to the restaurant she had a reservation at. One that Eliza didn’t know she had a reservation at. She was gonna put on this whole performance about how, even though they didn’t have a reservation, they should walk in anyway. Just to see what happened. Then it would come out that Dawn had managed to get a reservation. It was going to be so romantic. But Eliza was leading them in the opposite direction. And… and that was fine. Eliza wanted to go this way, so they would go this way. They had time. Dawn could subtly redirect them later. For now, she would go along with Eliza. Because it made Eliza happy.

Dawn glanced up at the sky. It looked like it might start raining soon. Thankfully not immediately. By Dawn’s estimate, they had at least a couple hours until it started, if it started at all. They would be inside by then.

Dawn frowned as she and Eliza walked. “I know this path,” she said. She hadn’t taken this specific path in months, and there was a distinct lack of the fairy lights she’d painstakingly lined it with, but she was still able to recognize it. She’d never be able to forget it.

“I know you do,” Eliza said. “Last time we came this way… well, it wasn’t exactly happy.”

“Really?” Dawn asked. “It’s one of my happiest memories.”

“The ending, definitely,” Eliza agreed. “But everything leading up to that…” Eliza didn’t finish the thought. She didn’t need to. Dawn could finish it in her head. She’d never forget that night. Both the good and the bad. She’d never forget the nervousness, relief, heartbreak, surprise, and joy she felt that night. “I was thinking we could have a night that wasn’t like that,” Eliza continued. “One that was happy from beginning to end.”

“I’d like that,” Dawn said. She reached across her chest to gently squeeze one of Eliza’s hands where it was latched to her arm. Dawn ignored the way Eliza slumped in relief. There were times to push others and times to pull yourself back.

As soon as they had started walking along the path that they had taken all those months ago Dawn had a pretty good idea of their destination. She was proven right when Eliza led her to the gymnasium. They walked around the building and stopped at the side door that they had taken last time. Eliza let go of Dawn’s arm, took a deep breath, and grabbed the doorknob. She twisted it and pulled. Nothing happened. The door stayed shut. Eliza twisted the knob again and pulled. It stayed shut.

Dawn knew what had happened. As soon as classes ended the doors all locked. The only way to open one was either with a key or going in when they were unlocked to mess with the latch. It was clear Eliza forgot about that part.

Eliza let go of the doorknob and looked down. She was shaking slightly. Dawn could hear her breathing grow less and less controlled.

“Eliza?” Dawn asked, reaching out to grab her shoulder. Eliza turned and ran away.

~θ~

Dawn found Eliza sitting on a bench outside the dorm building. She was sitting with her legs pulled against her chest and her head hidden pressed against her knees. Dawn sat down next to Eliza, resisting the urge to wrap an arm around her. Dawn wasn’t an idiot. All the clues she’d been noticing had made it pretty apparent what was going on. She just hadn’t said anything because it had been one of those times where she had to hold herself back. Not anymore.

“You’re Spiraling.”

Eliza nodded ever so slightly.

“This didn’t just start.”

Eliza shook her head.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Eliza didn’t answer immediately. She just sat with her head hidden in her knees. Dawn didn’t want to push her. She was always terrified that if she did she’d push too far. She didn’t want to know what would happen if she did. But she also knew that not pushing enough could be just as bad.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Eliza sighed and mumbled out a response. Dawn couldn’t understand a single word of it. She leaned closer, signaling for Eliza to repeat herself.

“It would have ruined our date.”

“You’re telling me that you’ve been putting yourself through… this… instead of canceling a date?” Dawn asked flatly.

Eliza sighed and nodded.

Dawn closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This was a new mentality for Eliza. There had been a couple times she and Dawn had made plans and she’d started Spiraling right before. Both times Eliza had told Dawn and they’d postponed those plans. Dawn had made it very clear that she didn’t mind. That she’d prefer to spend that time helping Eliza over Eliza torturing herself. Eliza had no issues communicating then. But she did now. It wasn’t hard to figure out where this mentality came from.

“This is why I hate Valentine’s Day,” Dawn muttered, more to herself than anything else. Even though it hadn’t exactly been directed at her, Eliza heard it.

“You hate Valentine’s Day?” Eliza asked.

Dawn hesitated. Then she sighed and slumped in place. She couldn’t hide it any longer. And, well, at this point there was no reason to hide it. “Yeah. I do. If you love someone-”

“You should show it all the time,” Eliza said. “Instead of-”

““One day a year,”” they both finished in tandem.

Eliza and Dawn sat there for a moment, just staring into each other’s eyes. Dawn was the first to blink, which Eliza took as her cue to speak. “Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be any different than any other day in that regard.”

“It really shouldn’t,” Dawn agreed. “And yet…” she trailed off, clearly not sure what to say. Not that she needed to say anything. Eliza understood her perfectly.

“And yet,” Eliza agreed.

Dawn looked at Eliza. She had stopped visibly Spiraling, so that was a plus. No matter how determined she was to hide it, there were always subtle tells that Dawn could find if they were there. They weren’t there. But they had been there. Sure, they were gone, but it had still happened. Dawn hated that it had happened. She hated why it had happened.

“I hate Valentine’s Day,” Dawn said, her voice stronger this time.

“I don’t see the need to celebrate it,” Eliza added.

“Then let’s not,” Dawn said decisively. “Let’s not celebrate Valentine’s Day in any way.”

“You mean like boycott it?” Eliza asked.

“Nah,” Dawn said. “Boycotting Valentine’s Day would give it undeserved validation. No, we go out to dinner. But instead of some fancy candlelit dinner-”

“Or starlit picnic,” Eliza added.

“We instead go to some random fast food place. Get food that’s far too greasy to be ethically served.”

Eliza tilted her head in confusion. “We won’t be celebrating Valentine’s Day… by going on a date?”

“Yeah! We treat this like just a normal day with nothing going on. On a normal day with nothing going on, we’d be going out to dinner, right?”

“Almost definitely.”

“So that’s what we should do. That is, if that’s alright with you?”

Dawn held out her hand for Eliza to take. Eliza stared at it for just a moment before reaching out to grab it. “I can think of nothing I want more,” she said warmly.

897

Eliza frowned when Dawn held out a package to her. She was surprised that Dawn had gotten her a gift, and surprised that she was surprised at all. The decision to ignore Valentine’s Day was a new one, after all. It wasn’t made until after she and Dawn had gotten gifts for each, as evidenced by the fact that Eliza had a gift for Dawn in her own pocket.

“Here,” Dawn said as Eliza took the gift. “Just a random gift on a random day for no apparent reason.”

Eliza nodded wisely and slipped Dawn her own gift. It was a watch with, among other things, an alarm. Eliza had noticed the way Dawn was always struggling to get her phone out of her pocket to check the time and turn off the alarm. A watch that could do both seemed practical. She just hoped Dawn liked it.

“Same time?” Eliza asked, fiddling with the edge of the wrapping paper.

“Naturally,” Dawn said.

Eliza looked down at the gift in her hand and carefully peeled the tape off one flap. Once she’d gotten one edge open she was able to slide out the gift. With the paper on she’d thought it was a book. It was the right size and shape. But it wasn’t a book. It was a frame.

Eliza flipped it over and looked at the picture. What she saw took her breath away. It was the picture of her and Dawn that Eliza had given to Dawn for Christmas. But it wasn’t quite the same. All the lines were replaced with words. Words forming sentences forming the picture. Different anecdotes of their time together, Dawn’s absolute favorite thing about Eliza (everything), and even little messages for Eliza.

“A picture says a thousand words,” Dawn said nervously. “This is the thousand for this picture.”

~θ~

All in all, Eliza had a terrible Valentine’s Day. She couldn’t think of anything that would make her happier. Valentine’s Day may have been awful, what with everything going wrong before she and Dawn had scrapped the whole thing altogether, but she’d had a completely average February 14th. It was amazing. Eliza just wished they could have gone without the stress leading up to it. But the stress had been there. Dawn was terrified of disappointing Eliza by admitting that she hated Valentine’s Day, and Eliza had been so sure that Dawn wanted her to make the night perfect. This had resulted in weeks of stress and working towards something that neither of them actually wanted. It was a familiar feeling.

Eliza squeezed Dawn’s hand a bit tighter. This time, this moonlit stroll that was intended only to get the two of them home, Eliza was holding her hand in a death grip instead of her entire arm. Dawn slowed her pace a bit and turned to Eliza.

“I’ve noticed something,” Eliza began nervously. What she’d noticed was something that she was hesitant to say, but that very fact was why she needed to say it. “Back before everything, when we were just Word and Pic, we were cowards. I wanted to know more about you, you wanted to know more about me. We wanted the same thing, but thought the other didn’t. If either of us spoke up… well, that would have saved a lot of heartbreak, wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Dawn agreed, her voice containing just a hint of sorrow. Eliza hated it. She hated how it was her fault. “It would have.”

“And then with Valentine’s Day. You hate it, I don’t see the point. Neither of us really wanted to celebrate it. And, yet again, neither of us spoke up. We just put up with the issues that came about because of it.”

“We’re really bad at communicating, aren’t we?” Dawn asked.

“We are,” Eliza agreed. “We never want to upset the other, so I just let myself get upset.”

Dawn stopped walking, gently pulling Eliza back to a halt as well. “Let’s make a promise,” she said seriously. “If ever one of us has something that we think the other should know, we just say it. Whether we think they’ll like it or not. We just say it, and, if the other truly does have a problem with it, we talk about it and work through it like mature and responsible people.”

“It’s a promise,” Eliza said immediately. She didn’t have to think about it. Didn’t have to pause to consider whether it would make things easier or harder in the long run. And then, just because she could, she added something else. “Seal it with a kiss?” she asked hopefully.

Dawn giggled fondly. There was probably a lot she wanted to say. A lot she could say. But she didn’t say any of it. Instead, she just leaned in to kiss Eliza. When the kiss finally ended, though neither of them wanted it to, Eliza said one more thing. “While on the topic of saying things that we think the other should know,” she began nervously. She closed her eyes. “I love you.”

She heard Dawn gasp, though she couldn’t even begin to decipher the emotions behind that gasp. Eliza opened her eyes and looked at Dawn. “I know I already said it months ago. You know, with the whole ‘I think… I KNOW I’m in love with you’ thing, but we never talked about it and I just wanted you to know. I love you. I know it’s probably too soon to say it and-”

“I love you too.”

“Oh,” Eliza said, looking up at Dawn. She was smiling wider than Eliza had ever seen. Eliza could feel a smile forming on her own face. “I really want to kiss you again,” she admitted.

“Then do it,” Dawn said. Only someone far stronger than Eliza could say no after that.

A few drops of water falling on her head prompted Eliza to pull back. She looked up to see the rain starting. “Come on,” she said, shifting her hold on Dawn’s hand. “Let’s go home.”