Emotional Exhaustion: Lucas

I couldn’t tell if it was due to the crying from the night before or the atrocious quality of sleep I just had, but when I finally woke up the next morning, my eyes were still puffy and irritated.

I couldn’t stop thinking of what we had talked about last night; how much pain Cole must be in.

As I looked blankly at the ceiling above me, my inner turmoil was interrupted by an approaching voice.

“What’s for breakfast?” Andrew asked groggily as he stepped out of the bathroom.

Oh yeah, he was here.

I sat up slowly and looked around while responding.

“I don’t know, there are bananas in the kitchen if you want one.”

The blankets and pillow I had laid out on the floor for Cole was now neatly folded in the corner of my room.

Cole was nowhere to be seen.

Seemingly, after everything he said, he wanted to be alone and left early in the morning.

Normally someone leaving without any notice would upset me, but now, I just felt empty.

Andrew left shortly after I woke up. Although I didn’t tell him to, my general attitude and mood seemed to force him out.

I felt bad for him, but I felt worse about myself.

I want to be alone for a while.

Sunday came and went as I stayed in bed, only getting up to use the bathroom and accept food deliveries.

Despite my music helping me through innumerable hardships in the past, the suffering I felt now was on a different scale. No song could save me from my dark room I felt trapped within.

It was when I was at my lowest that a knock on my door got me up once more.

It’s a bit early for my McDaniel’s order to have arrived. Guess I should tip the driver.

As I staggered over to the door and cracked it open, I was met with a very abrasive awakening.

“There you are! I was waiting for over an hour and-“ Hazel began reprimanding me before stopping abruptly. “Dear god you look awful… What happened?”

I reflexively tried to slowly close the door again without responding.

“Oh no you don’t.” Hazel put her foot in the opening and leaned against the ajar door. “You’re not going to leave me hanging and then pull this.”

I reluctantly allowed her to come in after some slight resistance.

“To make it up to me for ditching and ghosting me,” Hazel began as she entered my room and looked around. “You have to tell me what’s going on. I’m worried about you.”

I silently looked at the floor and shuffled back into my room behind her.

“On second thought, go take a shower first. It smells like you’ve been wallowing in more than just self-pity.” Hazel began cleaning up the clutter I hadn’t touched since last night’s party.

I opened my mouth to protest before having my vision impaired by a random shirt.

“I’ll grab some clothes for you, just take care of yourself.”

Without saying a word, I hobbled into my bathroom and closed the door behind me.

Using only the emergency light, I showered in nearly complete darkness. It was only as I was waiting for the water to heat up that I looked at my phone.

Over a dozen unread texts and a few missed calls completely covered my lock screen. Most of which were from Hazel.

I totally forgot. I’m an idiot.

The memory of making plans to go to the nearby city center for lunch while gathering materials for an upcoming small project suddenly flooded my brain.

I’m so sorry.

Before I could effectively wallow in the new source of self-pity I had discovered, I managed to take a shower and get into a better headspace. I got dressed in the clothes Hazel had haphazardly tossed at me before and looked in the mirror.

I really do look awful…

After a deep breath, I opened the door into the newly bright room.

“Hey, sorry about everything, I completely forgot about our meeting.” I apologized immediately as I left the cramped bathroom.

“It’s fine Lucas, I can tell you’re going through something.” Hazel turned away from the stack of books she was organizing. “Just let me know if you need anything, we are friends after all.”

“Well… I do owe you an explanation.” I admitted, patting the space next to me as I sat down.

“I know I said that in the moment, but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Hazel clarified as she sat next to me. “I don’t want to push you.”

“Thanks, but I’m alright.” I said as I began talking, “I need to get everything off my chest anyway.”

As I explained everything that happened last night, leaving out certain details such as Cole’s name, Hazel quietly and respectfully listened.

“I just… I know I should treat him the same but anytime I think about it, I can’t help but worry.” I ended my story, choking up slightly.

After a moment of silence, Hazel finally spoke up.

“Well, I can’t blame you for forgetting our outing today.” She squeezed my hand that I didn’t even realize she was holding. “That’s a lot…”

“Although I can’t really do anything about the problem, I can at least share a story of my own.” Hazel began after another moment of silence.

“When I was a child, I lived overseas with my parents. My dad was raised there but my mom wasn’t” Hazel leaned back as we continued talking. “One day, my dad started growing somewhat distant and seemed much busier than before. Going on longer trips and not spending as much time with us.”

She let out a small sigh as she went on.

“Then, seemingly out of the blue, my mom got a phone call and started crying hysterically.” Hazel tensed up at this point. “After somewhat calming down, she drove me to the nearby hospital where my dad was staying. He had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and would die within a week.”

I squeezed Hazel’s hand as she did with mine before. She gave me a slight smile before continuing.

“Apparently my parents had been dealing with this knowledge for quite some time and were hiding it from me since I was ‘too young’ and were worried.” I could tell Hazel was beginning to choke up more after every sentence. “Although their hiding it may have spared me in the short term… The amount of regret and despair I felt when I found out and knew I couldn’t even do anything with him before he passed away… I hated it.”

She wiped her watering eyes shakily.

“After he died, my mom and I moved back to her hometown where we stayed up until I came here.” Hazel continued to take deep breathes to calm herself down. “The feelings of shock coupled with being disconnected from every part of my father, from his life to his home…”

Hazel took a moment to composed herself once more.

“No one would tell you they were in your friend’s situation unless they both trusted and cared for you.” Hazel quickly finished, looking at me. “No matter what, value the time you have left together and support them as best you can.”

Hazel slumped her body into me, emotionally exhausted from sharing her story.

“I know you’re a great person so don’t worry so much.”

As she finished her sentence, we remained motionless for a long time in the awkward partial hug.

Despite the weird and uncomfortable position, it made me feel safer and happier than I had in a long time.

I’m glad Cole told me. I’ll make sure you get to live.