Terminal Truths: Lucas

As I turned over in my single bed and stared at the dim ceiling, I kept dwelling on how our night ended.

“You still awake?” I softly asked the dark shape shifting slightly on the floor.

“What d’you want?” Cole replied groggily.

“I just wanted to apologize for how things ended.” I continued in a hushed voice, “I was being insensitive.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“Are you sure? I feel bad.”

“I could not care less about an accident that happened years ago.”

After a moment of silence as I awkwardly fell back into my mattress, I heard a long sigh as Cole sat up to look at me. Without saying anything, I turned on the small lamp adorning my nightstand so we could see each other properly.

“Can you promise me something?” Cole suddenly spoke up as he rested his head atop his crossed arms.

“Depends on what it is I guess.”

“If I were to tell you something personal, would you not treat me differently?” Cole continued not making eye contact with me. His voice was uneven and his posture made him look smaller than he already was.

“I’m not sure.” I replied without thinking. “If you confess to some heinous crimes, I may think differently of you… But I also trust the Cole I know now to be the same person tomorrow as he was yesterday.”

“That was cheesy.” As he reprimanded me, he stood up and sat next to me on my bed.

I guess I answered correctly.

“First off, I do have a confession to make.” He began slowly, “and no I’m not a heinous criminal.”

He sighed before beginning his story.

“The car accident that stopped me from training wasn’t a year ago, it was three years ago.” He began twiddling his thumbs nervously as he went on. “I was in the passenger seat, as my mom was driving, I don’t even remember where, and my little brother was in the seat behind her.”

I remained silent as he went on about the accident to the point where I forgot to breathe.

“We were hit crossing an intersection, the side of the car I was on was totaled.”

He paused momentarily before starting back up again.

“Luckily, my mom and brother were mostly fine, but I was in critical condition. After everything, it took over a year for me to fully recover and be cleared for strenuous exercise such as MMA.”

At this point, I spoke up. Something was off.

“Wait, so if the accident happened so long ago and you were able to do MMA for the past couple of years, why didn’t you?”

“Ah, well you see, that’s the fun part of this whole story.” He looked up at me with a sad smile as he joked. “While hospitalized, I reported on some minor issues that I had been feeling for a while and had a few tests done during my stay.”

His odd emphasis as he spoke made me more and more nervous, but I continued to listen.

“Turned out I was sicker than I thought.” He laughed quietly to himself as he kept talking. “Towards the end of my stay, I was given a little diagnosis: Amyotrophic Later Sclerosis.”

Seeing the confusion on my face, he elaborated.

“Most people know it as ALS.”

My confused silence turned to stunned horror as all the pieces began to click into place.

“Yeah, I feel you, I was pretty shocked when I heard it too.” Cole began rambling on to try and lighten the mood somewhat. “I could’ve sworn all those trendy ice bucket videos I saw eradicated it years ago but, nonetheless, it’s still around.”

After a small laughed from him, I interjected.

“H-how could you joke about something like this?” I could feel my eyes begin to water as I spoke.

After giving me a moment, Cole began speaking again, much more softly this time.

“What would you rather I do? Break down and cry?” Cole looked down at the floor. Even without being able to see, I could tell what look he had on his face. “I’ve done plenty of that already. Myself and my family.”

He looked up at me with another sad smile. I could almost hear my heart begin to break as we made eye contact.

“I’ve long since accepted my fate and, at this point, all I can do is try to live my best life, y’know?”

He leaned his head on my shoulder as we sat in silence for what felt like an hour.

As I continued to process everything he said, broke the silence with a question.

“I have a question: have you been able to do jiujitsu since you first got cleared? And if so, why didn’t you until now?”

Despite everything that happened in his life until now, he still joined our MMA society and continued fighting. I couldn’t help but wonder why he waited to get back into it given how much he seemed to care for the sport.

“Sorry if I’m overstepping…” I trailed off.

“I’m not sure if you could overstep at this point if you tried.” Cole smiled, easing my tension. “To answer your question… I wasn’t in the best place mentally. With being just diagnosed with a terminal and incurable illness, the last thing on my mind was making a comeback to the martial arts scene.”

Oh. I see.

“In hindsight, you’re right, I should have started up sooner. Help get my mind out of the rut it had been in.” Cole slumped over as he spoke. “As the months I spent marinating in my own sorrow became a full year, I ended up with a body like this.”

As he gestured to his thin body, the dim lighting from my lamp made him look more dead than alive.

“The push I needed turned out to be coming here. To Briarson.” We made eye contact again, this time in a much more optimistic manner. “At first I didn’t have any intention of attending MMA again but after coming so far, I couldn’t stop going, until eventually, I became a full-time member.”

He fell backwards onto my bed as he continued, almost hitting his head against my wall.

“Once I realized that this is where I wanted to be, I made a promise to myself.” He used the springs in the mattress to bounce back up and face me directly. “I resolved to keep fighting until I physically couldn’t move.”

He smiled in the most genuine way I have seen so far. His feelings of sorrow and determination to keep pushing forward caused me to begin silently crying once more.

“If I’m going to die, then I want to be sure that I’ve lived. I want to be sure the people I care about are able to stay happy after I’m gone.”

I couldn’t even tell what expression Cole was making as my eyes became overrun with tears.

I felt Cole’s arm on my back as I doubled over with emotion.

“Hey, it’s not a guarantee that I’ll die or anything. Medical technology has been improving exponentially.” Despite his best intentions, Cole’s hopeful reassurances fell on deaf ears.

I’m so sorry.