Facing Down Fear

Another restless night! When she woke, Sedona was so edgy that she felt like one of Snuggle’s tiny robot mouse toys, running all over the floor and bouncing off the walls to keep from being caught.

She could not stay inside. She showered quickly, dressed, and yanked her door open. Then she stopped and stared. Why did everything look so wrong? All she could see in her field of vision were non-colors, only white, tan, and light gray. Even the tiles around the towers were dull today. The colors in the new patterns were so washed out and pale as to be barely visible.

Sedona backed up into her apartment and glanced left, then right, looking right into her two landscape paintings, both so full of bright, clear colors.

Out loud, she asked herself,” What would it feel like to live in a world full of colors like these?” Suddenly, it felt like all the colors from the paintings expanded and filled up her little space, washing over her. A flood of color! Almost drowning in it, she was overwhelmed by a wave of dizziness.

She nearly lost her balance as she kicked the door shut. Then Sedona fell back on the cushions. She didn’t know how long she laid there in a stupor. Snuggles the cat pressed tightly against her and purred reassuringly. Then…

A light tap at the door. Something about the softness of that sound reassured her that it was safe to answer the knock. She swung the door open to find Indiga standing there. “I wanted to check up on you,” he explained. Sedona practically yanked him into the room.

“Oh Indiga, I don’t know what to do. I’m so frightened and I was sure Pariss or Tokyo would protect me.”

“There’s not much they can do right now Sedona. I know they’re both concerned about you but they can’t interfere.”

“But, but,” she began.

“Sedona, you’re Lundun’s protégé, under his wing, part of his staff even. If Pariss or Tokyo were to intercede for you, or even to approach Athens about this … Think Sedona, the scouts are under Lundun’s jurisdiction. It would be like a declaration of war.”

“Oh no! I really AM a pawn, aren’t I?”

“It would seem so,” said Indiga, as he took her hand in his.

“Still, maybe I shouldn’t be so worried. Lundun told me that chess masters don’t like to waste their pawns.”

“Sedona, I know you’re just beginning to learn about chess. And normally, what Lundun told you is true. However, there’s a long tradition in our city of pawns being sacrificed. It’s considered the ultimate test of loyalty - you’re expected to feel honored by being a sacrifice.”

“No, no, no. I am NOT going to be a sacrifice,” Sedona protested. Then she hesitated, feeling her options were shrinking. “So, now I’m right back at the beginning. I had thought of trying to stay out of everyone’s notice – just like Tokyo suggested. But that feels like I’d have no control over what happens to me, no choice at all.”

“You’re right. I’m so sorry Sedona, you’re in such a difficult position. You really do seem to have landed right in the middle of everything! And we all want you to be safe. But Pariss is helpless to do anything to help. The only way he can do anything for you is if you cut ties with Lundun. Then Pariss can take you under his wing, because you’d be part of his team.”

“I just don’t know what to do Indiga. Part of me wants to run away. But there is nowhere to hide in the city, is there? Nowhere to go but out, out into the wasteland.” As she said this Sedona felt a tickle of memory – was it something from her accident?

But Indiga jumped up in alarm at her words. Sedona was so startled that the whisp of memory evaporated before she could see it clearly. “Sedona! Don’t say things like that. Promise me that no matter what happens you will not suicide.”

Sedona was shocked. “Of course not, Indiga, I would never do that.” As he continued to peer intently at her, she became suspicious. “Wait, Indiga, has anyone in the city committed suicide?”

Indiga looked down as if he didn’t want to say anything else. Then he sat down again and faced Sedona. “Yes. It used to be very rare. But in the last few decades it’s become more common. And we’ve kept it secret since we didn’t want to create a panic. Actions like that can become like an epidemic, spreading quickly.”

“But this is horrible. Why? Everything here seems so calm and peaceful.”

“Tokyo thinks it’s because people need choices so they can feel they’re alive. Here in the city, everything is decided for them, then provided by the city. People are safe but life is bland and colorless. So, they just want to fade away. It’s one of the reasons the meds are customized – to try to offset any problems we see developing. And back in the beginning of the city, it was one of the reasons for the creation of robotic animals. Speaking of which, did Accra ever show you her pet snake?”

Sedona’s eyes popped and Indiga smiled at her expression.” The snake is shy and hides in a cabinet when Accra has visitors. They do tricks together.” He got a brief smile out of Sedona and was pleased that his distraction worked. They were no longer discussing such a distressing subject.

They both sat in silence for a while, before reluctantly returning to Sedona’s current predicament. But, still shocked by the thought of suicide, Sedona had more questions about it. “And it’s hidden from everyone?”

“Yes, usually by an outbreak of Line Disease. Have you ever noticed how that virus keeps popping up?”

Sedona shuddered. She remembered the outbreaks of that particularly nasty disease during her childhood. All the children in her pod had been quarantined for weeks to try and protect them. Victims who were infected with Line Disease developed a fine rash that showed up as lines on their skin. If the lines appeared near an organ, damage to the organ was inevitable and the victim died quickly.

Indiga explained the administrators’ deception. “The rash lines on skin caused by the virus are easy to fake. Some of the deaths during outbreaks were genuine. But the virus also provided us with a simple way to disguise a suicide.”

Sensing Indiga’s concerns, Sedona looked up at him gently. “I’m not sure what course I’m going to take Indiga, but I promise I will never do that. I just wish there was a hidey hole somewhere so I could lay low until things calm down.”

Indiga turned to her thoughtfully. “Did you know that the foundation of the city was built right on top of the old city? There would have been tunnels for underground transportation, waste removal, and deep storage. And the original city would have been built over old creek beds. There might still be tunnels and hollows deep under the ground, but I wouldn’t know where to look or how to get there.” He was clearly distressed at his inability to help her.

“It’s all right Indiga. I just thought of what Tokyo said about the city being so controlled that dark secrets are pushed down deep. I don’t want to go looking for dark places, full of secrets. And I don’t want you searching for them either. And now that I’m thinking about it, I’m sure Lundun knows where some of them are. That’s even more reason to avoid them.”

Indiga’s searching gaze landed on Sedona’s painting – the painting with the big tree in it – and in an attempt to lighten the mood, he walked over to admire it. He sighed with pleasure. “I would have loved to have lived in this world.”

“Me too,” responded Sedona. “Or this one,” and she pointed to the field with the big blue sky on the other wall. “It’s heart-breaking that these environments were destroyed.”

“It is sad, I agree. But I sometimes wonder how the sub-humans, all by themselves, could do that much damage. It seems to me there must have been much more going on at the time, something else that added to the destruction. Pariss may even have books about it.”

“I know, I think about the sub-humans often. I can’t help but imagine what it must have been like for them when the domes went up. Left out there in the beginning, choking on the air, struggling just to survive.”

“Yes, the air,” Indiga looked like he was thinking about something else he didn’t want to have to talk about. “That’s one of the big problems Pariss and Tokyo are dealing with right now – our air. Did you know that during the night, when the outside temperature is cooler, external air is allowed into the dome? Of course, it’s filtered. Severely filtered. But filtration can never be 100%, and eventually there’s a buildup of bacteria.”

“Oh no!”

“It’s the dome … everything must be recycled and there is never enough filtering. Now we're finding there’s contamination inside the dome.”

They both sighed. Then, still holding hands, they sat together, looking at paintings of the beautiful, old, and deeply lamented Earth.