4: The Story of Haru & Kami

The drawing that Haru drew of Kami under the tree was on his table.

He woke up and saw it, and knew that Kami had seen it at some point, too.

Once he wakes up, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, his mind is lucid and as clear as fog being lifted up from a road. He’s alone in his room and even though it’s not the first time it happens, he still finds himself grabbing the sheets to his right where Kami had been lying on the night before.

The first thing he acknowledges before anything else is the throbbing headache he has, already ready to call in sick and stay in bed.

The second thing is the tightening in his throat and then his shaky, clammy hands and when he wipes the sweat off of them on his body, he feels how hot he is.

When he attempts to sit up and reach for the bottle of water on his table, he gets hit with a dizziness so intense that it literally throws him back on the bed, and he ends up staying like that, unmoving with a hand covering his eyes.

His mother comes to find him some time later, and by then he had fallen asleep and woken up as soon as he heard the door open.

“You’re sick?” She asks, worry lacing her words.

“I don’t know,” he moans the words because even talking physically hurts.

She pushes his hair back to touch his forehead and hisses. “You’re burning. I’ll make some soup for you, okay?”

He nods and then wraps his arms around her waist to nuzzle closer to her body. She’s warm and smells like fresh fruits. He sighs into her dress and squeezes tighter when she starts stroking his hair.

“You always turn into such a big baby when you get sick,” she says fondly.

“Hm.”

“But you’ll have to let me go so I can cook for you.”

He squeezes her tighter. “Hm.”

He hears her laugh. “Or why don’t—why don’t you call that friend you’ve been hanging out with lately? They can keep you company.” She doesn’t say much but he can hear the implications in her voice.

“It’s not like that,” he whines, unwrapping his arms for her to move. “There’s no one.”

She hums, standing up and looking around the room. “What about that pretty boy you’ve been drawing lately?”

“I saw him in a dream.”

“Oh,” she says reflectively. “It would have been nice to meet him.”

He doesn’t say anything and his mother takes his silence as an answer and kisses him on the forehead before leaving.

***

He doesn’t remember when he sleeps again but when he wakes up, his curtains are drawn and there’s a bowl of soup on his table. He was able to know because of the steam that touches his neck and the smell of it wafting into his nose.

He’s facing the window, and it seems he’s been in that position for a while because when he turns around, the other side of the pillow is cold and stiff. He only moves so that he can see the food and reach for the water bottle because his throat feels dry.

“Your mom saw me come in.”

Haru forgets about the water but doesn’t turn around. He wants his heart to slow down a little first.

“What did she say?”

“She told me to draw the curtains so you can sleep better.”

He feels his bed dip followed by the creaking of the headboard. Kami’s presence is suddenly the only thing he can feel in the room; the food that is literally near him loses relevance and all he wants to do now is just stay like this and laze around him.

He thinks it is similar to how people claim to be in God’s presence and feel so much peace.

He just wants to keep being drawn to him.

“Come,” he hears Kami beckon to him and it was as though he needed to hear the word before making any move.

He rolled over to the other side and Kami’s hand found his hair instantly.

Haru sighs, and then feels his body sink into the bed as Kami’s fingers gently scratch his scalp.

“You’ll be okay,” Kami tells him. Haru can’t tell if he is talking about the sickness.

He doesn’t reply, but rather moves closer and closer until his head is resting on Kami’s lap and his arms are around his waist.

“Hungry,” he says after a while.

“I need to reach for the food,” Kami tells him.

Haru groans which in turn makes Kami laugh. “You’re God,” he reminds him. “Can’t you make it fly over here?”

“It doesn’t work like that,” Kami chuckles.

“Hm.”

“I’ll need to move,” Kami continues but Haru doesn’t budge.

“I’ll feed you.”

That seems to work—as embarrassing as it is—and Haru lets go of him to retrieve the bowl.

He moves to lie on his back, his head on Kami’s lap once again. Kami looks down at him with amusement and then starts squeezing his cheeks.

“Are you sure you want to be fed like this?”

Haru hums and then opens his mouth expectantly. The curtains make the room look dark but for some reason Haru can clearly see every expression that Kami makes, from the amused glint in his eyes to the blinding smile he shows when looking at Haru.

No, at this point Haru thinks he knows why.

As he gets fed spoonful after spoonful of the food by Kami, he doesn’t take his eyes away from him and Kami doesn’t shy away from the stare. He doesn’t realise he has finished the soup until he hears the sound of the plate on the table.

When Kami stretches to get there, the shirt he’s wearing rises up a little and Haru can see the smooth skin of his stomach. Haru closes his eyes and breathes through his nose. It’s almost as if the food he just ate wants to resurface all the way up his throat.

“Do you want to draw?” Kami asks him and his voice sounds as though he thought a lot before speaking.

“Yeah,” he answers and Kami hands him his pencil and sketchbook.

Haru sits up to draw. Kami has moved to the window and is staring outside, one leg perched on the windowsill while the other swings below.

Haru knew what he wanted to draw already before Kami brought it up, so his hand starts moving as soon as it touches the paper.

He would colour it white and gold; the main piece would be white with gold accents and it’s a scene where Kami lies in a hammock supported by two big pillars made of stone. Underneath him sits someone who looks up longingly at him and he’s looking down at the person and offering his hand.

Their hands stretch out towards each other but their fingers barely touch.

Haru pays particular attention to Kami’s features. His face—especially his eyes, and the way his mouth is set in a line. He looks calm while the person beneath him appears to be troubled.

I want to fight God.

Somehow looking at the drawing and remembering his words make him almost want to throw up.

When he’s done, he turns to see Kami watching him. He hands over the drawing to him wordlessly and waits for him to come for it.

Kami leaves the window and comes back to the bed, taking the drawing before sitting down.

His hand is one Haru’s forehead as he observes the sketch. Haru has his eyes closed, only uses his ears and body to try to detect any change in Kami’s composure. He doesn’t know what he will say after seeing the drawing because it has come to this, and Haru is well aware by now that Kami knows more than he wishes to let on. The fact that he doesn’t say much is enough proof that he knows a lot; possibly everything.

And if he does know, then the fact that he’s still here, in Haru’s room, means that he’s okay with it, right?

Just like the other times, he doesn’t say anything when looking at what Haru drew, but Haru could sense a change from the way the hand he had on his forehead stopped moving abruptly.

Then Haru hears the paper being folded, before he feels Kami stretch again, this time to set the paper on the table next to the other one he drew.

He feels Kami’s shirt on his face and that’s when he opens his eyes. He sees that stretch of smooth skin once more and this time he decides to just go for it.

In his head, he’s sinking deep and has no time to think rationally.

Kami’s skin is always cold, always soft, and right now it feels like heaven against Haru’s face.

He buries his head into the shirt, resting it against his stomach and just stays there, breathing in lavender and feeling like he’s floating on a cloud.

He can’t see Kami’s face and he stupidly thinks that as long as he can’t see it, everything will be fine for just this moment.

His hand goes around Kami’s waist and then his fingers trace the small of his back. He feels Kami jolt but then he relaxes shortly after. It’s his breathing that lets Haru know that he’s not as unaffected as his lack of response or movement might make it seem. And if his heartbeat is any further indication, Haru isn’t the only one that’s a mess.

And Haru really went through this entire time thinking he only wanted a fight with him.

The thought sounds so absurd now that he can’t help the laugh that comes out of his mouth.

“You didn’t know,” Kami says above him and it’s the first thing he has said since this entire ordeal started.

Haru admits he didn’t, but ignorance has never felt as painful as it does now, and he wishes he could take every statement he had made before all in the name of rationality.

He pulls his head out of the shirt, sits up and looks directly into Kami’s eyes.

He touches the side of his face and Kami leans into his hand with a sigh. He rubs against him like a cat would do, closing his eyes and parting his lips.

Haru watches him, completely entranced by the sight that only he gets to behold. Kami’s eyes trace his face, he doesn’t say a word. They’re a light purple, lavender; soft, pleading—sad.

“This body is so weak,” Kami breathes, his voice shaky. He attempts to smile but even with that, Haru can see his lips tremble. “This is what makes people do the things they do.”

As he says it, he buries his face in the crook of Haru’s neck and wraps his arm around it. “I think I understand a little,” he whispers against his skin.

Haru wants to tell him that he doesn’t really understand the whole thing. If he did, he’d know how fast that thread of control that Haru has is thinning and about to snap.

Even if he did know, he would know how Haru felt, and that wasn’t enough for anything to happen.

He would have to want it, too. But Haru can sense his reluctance even as he stays covered in the warmth of Haru’s body.

It’s the reason why Haru doesn’t hold him the way he wants to.

“I’m sorry,” Kami says all of a sudden, but Haru was expecting that anyway. He allows Kami to hold him tighter. “I’m going to fail to give you what you want.”

“I didn’t even know I wanted it.” Haru’s voice is thick and he hates that he can’t even hide the fact that he wants to cry.

“It’s okay.”

“No it’s not. All this time I wanted to fight you and—“ he cuts himself off because now he can’t see past the tears. “And now I feel so stupid.”

“It’s okay,” Kami tries again. He’s stroking the back of Haru’s neck and even being able to enjoy it makes Haru’s chest hurt more.

“I’ve never wanted anything like how I want this right now.”

“I remember you telling me that if I was God, I’d eventually find out whatever you wanted me to give you.”

Haru squeezes his eyes. “That’s because I didn’t know what I wanted back then.”

“But now you do,” Kami answers for him.

“Now I do.”

Haru can feel Kami shaking and when he moves, his neck is damp.

Kami still won’t show his face and from Haru’s neck, he moves to his shoulder where he drops his forehead. He then grabs the sleeve of Haru’s shirt with both hands.

“Ask me for anything else,” he pleads but his voice is also firm with determination. “I promise I’ll do anything.”

Haru thinks back to a time when he was younger in his grandparents’ house with a freer mind and a braver soul. He thinks that if he was still like how he was back then, things could have been different.

“Let me fight you,” he says quietly. “Please.”

Kami stays silent for a stretch of time. His silence bleeds through the walls of the room and as his fingers start stroking Haru’s arm, it feels like he’s leaving needles on his skin.

There’s the sound of heavy breathing, followed by hiccups and Haru doesn’t move or try to say anything. He’s human, he knows how it feels when one gets overpowered by their emotions. And it only happens to humans, imperfect beings.

He doesn’t think that a God might have ever experienced that before.

So he allows Kami to take his time and do whatever he wants during this moment. If he wants to rip off Haru’s arm even, he’ll let him. Because as twisted as it might sound, knowing that he’s not the only feeling like this makes him feel less lonely; to know he’s the only person desiring something he can’t have.

“This is ridiculous,” Kami laughs, but it’s a bitter sound, as though he’s angry. “I never knew I could want something this badly. It’s almost not fair.”

And it makes no sense, either. Humans are always searching for something to make them complete. Kami probably didn’t anticipate that.

“God made us that way I guess,” Haru offers, attempting to smile in the hopes that Kami might, too.

Kami sits back and wipes his face with both hands, sniffling loudly enough to sound comical. “Will it make you feel better?” He asks, referring to Haru’s earlier request.

“What do you think?”

Kami looks at him. His eyes are red and his eyelashes are clamped from the moisture. Haru can’t think of any other thing aside from how beautiful he looks right now.

“Okay,” Kami nods with a smile. “I’ll fight you.”

It’s better than nothing. And in this world violence seems to be the more accepted display of passion anyway.

So he is going to fight God because he can’t hold him or tell him that he loves him.

***

Haru is 18, works at a convenience store, has no plans on furthering his education, and for the longest time, he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life.

But he knows now.

He met God, and then realised that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. But things never work out the way one wants, and so now he’s going to fight him.

There was a bird that sat on his window this morning when he woke up. It chirped him awake, his beak occasionally tapping his window.

When he went down for breakfast his parents were seated at the dining table. They said nothing to him, and they acted carefully around him.

His mom made him his favourite breakfast; eggs with toasted milk bread, strawberry jam with sweet vanilla milk. She would add sugar to boiling water and then add evaporated milk once the sugar had dissolved with drops of vanilla and stir until the milk thickened and browned a little.

She only made him for him when he was sad and she could usually tell from the way he would slump his shoulders and the circles around his eyes would always look more pronounced.

Today she made it before he even got downstairs and when he sat down, his father slid over a glass of sake his way.

When you’re old enough and life gets tough for you, I’ll have a drink with you, he told Haru when he was younger. He knew his mother wouldn’t approve but at least she’d understand.

All she said to him when he finished eating and drinking, just as he was about to stand, was: The boy from your dream is pretty. I’d like to talk to him some more.

And if Haru almost burst into tears right there and then, he didn’t show. He balled his hands into fists and nodded instead, telling them that he’d be going out and wouldn’t know when he’d be back.

‘It’s a bit cold, don’t you want a jacket?’ His mother asked worryingly.

He shook his head. She accepted his answer but he could tell she wanted to say more. He gave her a kiss on the top of her head and told her he’d be home by dinner, and that if he wasn’t then she could leave his plate on the table; he’d eat once he’d be back home.

***

Time is irrelevant in God’s eyes. A minute could be years and hours could simply be as short as the blink of an eye.

Haru never really got to understand how Kami always picked the right timing to be alone in public places whenever he wanted.

The first time they went out at the beach, there was no one but them. Today, too, the beach is empty. Haru approaches the sand and drags his feet, not in any hurry at all.

Kami is standing near the water, his back to Haru. His hair is tied up in a loose bun and his hands are clasped behind him.

He’s wearing a flimsy shirt that flaps against the wind and underneath it Haru can see nothing but skin. The pants he’s wearing too are loose and rolled at the ankle.

He knows Kami can sense him—he might have known he was here for a long time—and so he waits for him to acknowledge his presence.

“I didn’t say I’d be here,” Kami points out, his back still turned.

It’s true. But Haru knew he’d be here. “But you are.”

At that, Kami turns around, eyes an earthy brown, and approaches Haru. He’s close enough that Haru can feel his breath on his face and he instinctively closes his eyes when Kami rubs his cheek against his.

“I’ll have to fight more than just you to let me let you go if you keep doing that,” Haru says through his teeth, the warning loud enough for Kami to hear. He’s decided not to touch him unless it was to either fight or take him home. He knows the latter is impossible and so he sets his resolve and keeps his hands by his sides.

He feels Kami sigh against his neck before the coolness of his skin is gone. “You say you want to fight me,” he begins, taking a few steps back and tilting his head. “How much do you know about the strength of a God?”

Haru chuckles. “I wasn’t hoping for mercy or anything.”

Kami frowns. “What do you want to get from this?”

Haru doesn’t give anything away as he levels Kami with his eyes. “You’ll find out.”

He’s been in fights before. Brawls or whatever you’ll have. At some point in time during his school years, no one wanted to cause any form of inconvenience that could result in a fight against him.

He was 15 when he broke the jaw of a boy twice his size after he thought it would be funny to go around lifting girls’ skirts.

It’s still weird to see how gentle your hands work when you’re drawing. With bloody knuckles and all.

Lucy told him that the day he beat up another guy who had a vendetta against him for dislocating the jaw of his friend. Haru ended up breaking the boy’s nose. And then instead of going to the infirmary to check his hand, he chose to go to the rooftop and draw Lucy.

There was never really a good reason to fight. He either did it to be left alone or to protect other people. In the end it left him hollow and mostly tired. So that was what he was expecting today, and that in the end, the exhaustion and emptiness would leave him numb for a couple of days—long enough for him to accept what he doesn’t want.

But that’s not what happens.

Kami throws the first punch and it’s easy to spot; Haru dodges it easily. And another one which Haru also sees and also moves away from.

By then there’s enough distance between them and Haru stands on the defensive, anticipating Kami’s next move.

Suddenly Haru feels the wind slap his face and before he can even blink, Kami is in front of him. The impact of Kami’s body coming into contact with him at such a speed throws him off and he falls, his back bracing the fall on the sand.

He curses, his chest burning, and he looks to see Kami on top of him, his hands wrapped around Haru’s neck.

“Too slow,” he taunts him and there’s an edge to his voice that Haru hasn’t heard before.

That’s when something in him shifts and a surge of adrenaline he’s never felt before flows through his body.

He doesn’t miss the grin on Kami’s face as he yanks the hold on his neck off and rolls, attempting to switch their positions. But he’s damn slow again—or Kami’s just that fast—and he only ends up managing to be on his feet. Kami doesn’t even give him the grace of stabilising his footing before he charges again.

But this time, Haru is ready—or at least he has understood that he either has to think on his feet or get beaten up—and is able to block Kami’s leg with his forearm.

“Come on,” Kami urges, launching once more.

“Relax,” Haru shoots back and he almost wants to laugh because nothing about this gives way to relax.

Kami moves the same way he does when he’s skating; it’s like he’s at one with the wind and is able to let his body be guided by it.

Haru doesn’t have the same grace but he at least has excellent eye-hand coordination as well as experience from his early years of fighting and so he knows how to adapt quickly to a situation to find an advantage or an opening.

“You say you want to fight but you’re only defending,” Kami says and it sounds like he’s disappointed.

Haru shrugs. “I guess you’re a tough opponent.”

Kami narrows his eyes. “Don’t see me as some fragile thing,” he tells him, understanding quickly that Haru has no intentions to actually hit him. “Don’t underestimate me or else I might kill you.”

Before Haru can say anything else, he feels a weight on his cheek as his neck turns, and then a sharp throbbing.

His vision darkens for some seconds before he blinks a couple of times to reorient himself. When he rolls his tongue in his mouth, he tastes blood.

Kami’s punch wasn’t painful or hard enough to cause damage but it got the message across.

It cleared Haru’s head better and looking at the beautiful boy, he wanted to apologise for being so childish and wasting time.

His next moves are more fuelled with the intentions to both defend himself and attack.

He wanted a fight with God, this was his chance.

He goes for Kami’s shirt, and when he manages to pull him close enough, he throws his own fist and it hits the side of Kami’s sharp jaw.

His lithe body stumbles back, but Haru still has a hold on his shirt and so he only gets to go far enough before Haru pulls him back.

Kami grabs his wrist with both of his hands and twists his body so that he’s facing away from Haru and it is then that Haru experiences a fraction of Kami’s strength.

There’s not so much as a split second that passes by and within that time, Haru goes from standing upright to being thrown in the air before hitting his back on the sand again.

Usually he’d curse to God, but the cause of his predicament happens to be that same God and he’s looking down at him with an expression of glee that Haru had never thought he’d ever see on his face.

Haru takes his time to sit up, appraising Kami standing just a few feet away from him. He’s wheezing at this point and his head is spinning.

But at the same time, his blood is rushing so fast that he can hear it, as well as his heart. He’s almost getting goosebumps.

That feeling is like a drug.

It powers something inside of him and he lets out what sounds like a roar before jumping on Kami, quickly hooking one arm around his legs and locking his knees while his other hand slams his stomach.

It causes him to double over as he frowns, and Haru seizes the chance. He stands up, pushing Kami back with enough force, and he falls.

There’s water, and it feels like an imitation of their first time at the beach with Kami wet and Haru dry. But this time Haru is straddling Kami who looks up at him with bright eyes and that same grin he saw earlier.

“Are you that excited to fight me?” Haru asks in shock.

Kami’s grin only widens as he speaks. Split lip, mouth tinted red from the blood; hair wet and sticking to his face and neck, he looks like a piece of art.

“More,” he breathes.

They say that pain and pleasure are triggered by the same receptor in the brain, and Haru feels something spark in his brain that spreads like liquid fire throughout his entire body.

He’s shaking, Kami is shaking, too, and they’re both there, waiting for one of them to make the first move to prevent this thing from dying out. But no one is moving and it feels they’re edging each other, pushing forward but not nearly enough to get them there yet.

“More,” Kami repeats again, excitement sharp in his breathy voice as he tries to wriggle out of Haru’s grip.

“Yeah?” Haru taunts, pushing down on his chest to keep him in place.

But Kami reacts quickly; he tucks in his legs and then wraps them around Haru’s neck. The chokehold makes Haru lose his grip on Kami’s wrists and he uses that to his advantage.

“You seem to enjoy having me on the ground,” Haru points out, rubbing his neck to ease the throbbing.

Kami is strong—far stronger than Haru—and he managed to throw him on the sand again with just his legs.

“You look good like that,” Kami responds and his voice is so light; it sounds like a kid at a playground.

Haru stands up and Kami doesn’t attack him. He just watches, his back to the sea and his shirt sticking to his body from the water.

The waves crashing are as loud as his heartbeat and the excitement doesn’t dampen; it just keeps heightening.

“Hey, God,” Haru calls out, walking towards Kami. “Let’s go on the water.”

Kami holds out his hand and starts walking backwards. “Let’s go.”

It doesn’t feel as smooth and slippery as ice; his feet are wet and he can feel the waves rocking him as he walks.

He tries to be steady as he holds Kami’s hand in a tight grip, trying not to think of the fact that it’s water he’s stepping on and also that he’s the one that asked for this.

“Have you always wanted to do that?” Kami asks him.

He shrugs. “I’m not sure. I just remember seeing it somewhere.”

“This?”

“The man who wanted to walk on water,” he explains, finding it impossible to keep his eyes off where his feet are stepping.

It’s as if they’ve put whatever fight they were having on hold. Kami is now guiding Haru with care, reassuring him when he senses Haru panicking due to a wave moving faster than he anticipated or from the wind blowing a bit too strongly.

“You’re doing well,” Kami compliments. “You’re not shaking as much as I expected.”

Haru chuckles, his head still down. “It’s not that bad.”

“You‘ll have to let go of my hand and look at my face for me to believe you.”

It sounds like a challenge, and so Haru takes the bait. He raises his head but doesn’t let go of Kami’s hand. His eyes are a stormy grey, mimicking the sky, and his bun is completely loosened now, the wind dancing through it. He looks like he’s swaying, too, but not in a way that seems like he’s trying to find his balance; unlike Haru, the water and the wind seem to be synching with him.

“Sometimes I don’t know if I want to be you,” Haru confesses but he has to raise his voice because of the sound of the water.

“Or?” Kami blinks owlishly at him. Haru knows he knows; if not for the fact that he can read him, Haru doesn’t think he’s been particularly transparent with anything in his life. Especially when it’s something as intense as this, something that literally colours him from the outside.

And so he knows that Kami can see it as clearly as he can see him right now. So asking is only a way to test him, perhaps. That was a thing with Gods, wasn’t it?

Instead of answering right away, Haru closes the short gap between them by dragging Kami by the neck and pulling him close.

“I’ve told you before,” Haru whispers against his face. “It will take more than just you to pry you away from my hands.”

“If I attempt to leave?”

“Then I’ll follow you,” he answers easily. “I’ll drag you from wherever you end up going and then bring you back to me.”

“The drawings—“

“I have your face in my head. The only way it’ll leave is when I die, and even then I’m pretty sure my soul will end up searching for you.”

He looks at Kami and thinks that he’s done it, he’s actually managed to leave God dumbfounded.

The next time Kami speaks, his voice is small and he hesitantly put a hand on Haru’s chest.

“You wanted to fight me.”

Haru humourlessly laughs. “That was the only choice I was given if we’re being honest.”

Kami stumbles a little, taking Haru’s hand with him. “I know, and I’m sorry.”

“You’re saying it like I’m the only who wanted something.”

He can see the surprise in Kami’s eyes from his words. His lips are parted slightly and it’s quick, but Haru catches the lines of what could possibly be guilt on his face. It sets something bitter in the back of his throat.

It’s almost absurd and presumptuous to think he knows better than Kami. He’s God, after all.

But in this human form he looks about as unsure of himself as Haru right now, holding his hand as though trying to find some type of comfort. Haru knows, because that is exactly what he’s doing, too.

“You said you’d follow me anywhere I went, right?” Kami asks him, echoing Haru’s earlier statement.

“Are you questioning my conviction, God?” Haru shoots back.

“What if I asked that you jump into the water with me?” From where they’ve reached, they’d be diving into deep, cold water, with no prior knowledge of what they’d find below. Haru remembers how unsteady he felt walking on the surface, fearing that he might fall.

And now Kami was asking if he’d jump.

He doesn’t answer him and barely looks at anything else except the grey of Kami’s thunderous eyes as he leaps forward, wrapping his arms around Kami’s frame and jumping.

He’s never really understood the concept of fear anyway.

Kami’s eyes widen in shock because he doesn’t expect Haru to do something so foolish. And as the water engulfs them, dragging them down, his eyes soften with a smile drawing on his face because he can’t believe that Haru did something so foolish.

Haru closes his eyes and mouth, still holding on to Kami. The splash was loud when they hit the water, but once they fell, everything went quiet and even the rush of the water and the bubbles forming had a calming effect.

This is the first time that Kami can look at Haru and be able to take it all in.

The way his hair moves, the way the water makes his skin look almost translucent, how warm he feels even when they’re submerged in cold water; and oh—he’s almost turning blue; he needs to breathe.

I’m going to see just how much you trust me, Amour, he thinks, as he cradles Haru’s face in his hands. He presses his lips to his forehead, and then feeling Haru flinch, he puts a hand to his chest.

Everything becomes silent. Suddenly Haru’s beat echoes throughout their space. Once, twice, thrice and then the dark gives out to bright, blue light.

It’s more like light brightening the water and painting the midnight blue neon.

It starts out as a ball, a glowing orb, which grows more and more each time Haru’s heart beats. It envelops them completely and then pushes out to the other corners of the water, to even the bottom, and everywhere looks like it’s dotted with stars.

Every living thing around them moves but doesn’t touch or get close to them. It’s almost as though they’re not there, but the motion of the water still carries them.

Being inside that glowing orb and standing out from everything else around them feels like they’re on their own planet amidst the entire universe.

Haru finally opens his eyes when he feels his lungs working again and his brain feeling less clamped.

He looks around him and can’t find it within himself to say anything.

He’s never witnessed something like this in his entire life of existing. He’s floating inside a ball that moves in the water and he can breathe and see everything on the outside.

“Where are we?” He manages to speak.

“Underwater,” Kami answers him. He’s still holding him and Kami has a hand on his chest.

“How?”

“It’s all you,” Kami told him simply. “You did this.”

Haru looks all around him, sees the fish and corals, takes in the fact that they’re surrounded by bright light and somehow breathing underwater, and then looks back at Kami in disbelief.

“I can’t do all that,” he points out with a panicked edge to his voice. “It’s supposed to be something you can do.”

Kami shakes his head. “In this human form of mine I can’t do much without support. The mere fact that you believed I could do this was enough for it to happen.”

“But—“ Haru pulls away, still holding on to Kami’s hand. He forces his brain to work past the shock so that he can think better; for some reason he feels like he doesn’t have much time left.

“You’re talking as if I’m controlling you,” he mutters with a frown. “I can’t do any of this without you.”

Kami smiles. “That’s what I’m trying to say in a way. I realised one thing about this human form, and it is that it’s somehow hard to do everything on your own.

You can even work things with a lot of people but it takes that one person to make a thousand-man’s labour feel like light work.

“And it’s exactly what you think,” he continues, “I’ve been able to be here for this long because of you. Your drawings kept pulling me back to you; I’m sure you didn’t even know why I kept asking you if you wanted me to keep them,” he ends with a laugh that sounds too light, too sad.

Haru remembers the last time he felt his eyes prickling like this, and it was when he realised how he felt for Kami. The realisation wasn’t what made him cry, but it was the implications.

His body seems to have kept them all into his brain, like muscle memory, and it knows it’s happening again, that’s why his vision is suddenly so blurry.

“At least tell me that you wanted it, too.” He doesn’t mean to beg, but his body betrayed him before he could do anything about it.

“I did.” It’s honest and it puts Haru’s heart at ease. “That's why we’re here right now. You’re that one person that makes me want to keep being human.”

“Ha.” The tears are falling now and he lets them trickle down his face until he tastes salt when they touch his lower lip. “I wish a girl told me that.”

Kami hits him on the shoulder and it might have been intended to be a playful punch but Haru feels his bone almost dislocating.

He hisses. “I forgot you’re strong. Your beautiful face fools me sometimes.”

“I can hit you again,” Kami threatens. “After all, we were supposed to be fighting.”

“Kissing you would be a more ideal situation,” Haru replies smoothly, rubbing his shoulder.

It seems that Kami was about to say something, but then he got quiet and ended up opening and closing his mouth like some of the fish outside.

Haru sees his eyes changing from grey to icy blue and smiles.

“Your eyes are the most beautiful things I’ve seen on this earth,” he tells him earnestly. “I’ll miss them so much.”

Kami’s eyes soften and he bites his lower lip. “You don’t have to miss them. You can see me in your dreams, at any moment in time.”

“Careful there,” Haru warns as he approaches him. He buries his face in Kami’s hair, inhaling his scent. “I might not want to wake up once I know I get to see you.”

“But you will,” Kami says with certainty. “I’ll be everywhere. I’m always by your side and at this point it will be literally impossible for me to let go of you.”

“That’s my line.” He laughs.

“Swim up,” Kami suddenly instructs.

“Just me?”

“I’ll be right behind you.”

Haru nods, and then starts to move. As he swims, the orb floats upwards with him until he breaks the surface and can breathe the normal air now.

As promised, Kami quickly meets him. Now that they’re actually touching water, they become instantly wet and the waves hit them from every angle. Haru moves his hair away from his face and spits out salty water before talking.

“What now?” He asks Kami.

“I want you to float on your back.” As he tells him, he starts to push Haru. It’s a tricky thing to do when they’re in this position, but after some attempts, Haru finds himself on his back and he turns his face to look at Kami.

“It’s like I’m lying on sand,” Haru gasps, feeling his body relax.

Kami seems happy. “I want you to not focus on me too much.”

“That’d be a hard thing to do.”

“Just look,” he insists, pointing upwards. “Look at the sky.”

Night fell before they knew it, and everywhere around them was dark. The sky looks like a blanket covered in stars. They’re brighter than Haru has ever seen them, and the moon looks surreal as it sits high up and reflects on the water.

The moon and the stars seem to be mirrored in the water and Haru thinks that if he stretches his hand out, he’d be able to touch one of them.

It’s almost like an oxymoron; he feels like he’s the only thing in the world right now and at the same time, he feels so small.

Like the universe is looking down at him at the same time as he is admiring it. Him, a simple human among a billion others.

Suddenly, it becomes brighter. The orb of light followed them all the way to the surface. But it didn’t go up, it only expanded throughout the entire length of the water, and made it look like a sea of sparkling blue dust.

Haru runs his hands through the water in complete awe.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Kami swims next to him, voicing out his thoughts.

“Yeah,” Haru breathes. He looks for Kami’s hand and finds it, clasping it in his. “I want to keep seeing this forever.

“You can. It’s all yours.”

“No, it’s not—“

“All that I have; all that I can say is mine is also yours.”

His eyes match the water, Haru notices, and they’re sparkling, too. All he can do is look and not touch. If he touches he won’t want to let go. He doesn’t mind, but he knows that realistically it can’t happen.

This time as soon as Haru laughs, he starts to tear up and his giggles turn into soft sobs. It’s embarrassing but he doesn’t care. Kami wipes his face with his free hand and cleans his eyes with his lips.

And then they stay quiet, surrounded by water and light. Haru keeps his face buried in Kami’s hair, their hands still intertwined, and none of them move for a very long time. They watch everything around them and listen to every single sound, keeping in mind the fact that this moment will be the last time they will ever be this close again.

He asks Kami to rock him to sleep and Kami does. He feels his body sway from side to side until it’s light enough that he can’t feel anything else. Only Kami.

The last thing Haru remembers before everything goes blank is Kami’s face and in that moment he knew that if he should ever fall into perpetual darkness, he would see him, and that would be enough to eliminate any type of fear there could be.

He woke up in his bed hours later. And yes, the food was on the table with his mom sitting there and they ate in silence. He found his dad on the porch and they shared another drink in silence, too. When he got to his bedroom, the drawings were not there, including the ones he had on his table.

It made him so happy that he cried, and that night in his dream, he saw God.