Chapter 0:

Hi Doggy

The Room

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Opening credits play against generic footage of Johnny stalking about San Francisco

Exterior shot of Johnny’s car pulling up outside his house

Johnny enters the living room

Johnny: Hi babe! I have something for you.

Lisa: What is it?

Johnny: Just a little something.

He playfully hides the package, then presents it to Lisa. She opens it to find a red dress.

Lisa: Johnny, it’s beautiful. Thank you. Can I try it on now?

Johnny: Sure, it’s yours.

Lisa: Wait right here. (she grabs Johnny’s tie and kisses him) I’ll try it on right now.

Johnny sits down. Cut to Lisa reemerging from the stairs in the red dress.

Johnny: Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa.

Lisa: Isn’t it fabulous?

Johnny: I would do anything for my girl.

Enter Denny

Denny: Oh hey, guys.

Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.

Denny: Wow! Look at you!

Lisa: It’s from Johnny.

Johnny: Anything for my princess! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Denny: How much was it?

Lisa: Denny, don’t ask a question like that!

Johnny: Nice to see you, Denny. I’m going to take a nap.

Denny: Can I go upstairs too?

Johnny: Ha-ha!

Lisa: Denny, I think I’m gonna join him.

Johnny: A-ha-ha.

They exit upstairs, speaking barely audibly

Lisa: I’ve got some candles upstairs.

Johnny: You always think. A-ha-ha. Alright, I’m ready.

Lisa: This is so pretty, I can’t wait for you to get it off of me.

Johnny: Oh, yeahhh.

Denny takes a bite of an apple, then follows them upstairs.

In the bedroom, Johnny and Lisa start a pillow fight.

Johnny: A-ha-ha! (incomprehensible gibberish) Ha-ha-ha! Ouch!

Denny joins in and gets clobbered as everyone laughs.

Denny: No, stop!

Johnny: Denny, do you have something else to do?

Denny: I just like to watch you guys.

Lisa: Oh, Denny, Denny, Denny boy!

Johnny: Denny, two’s great, but three’s a crowd, ha-ha.

Denny: I get it. You guys want to be alone.

Johnny: That’s the idea!

Denny: Fine. I have homework to do anyway. Bye, lovebirds!

Johnny: Bye, Denny.

Lisa: Bye, Denny.

Denny exits, and a three-minute love scene commences, scored to terrible R&B. There’s a lot of water and rose petals and naked boobs. Johnny fucks Lisa’s belly button. Afterwards they lie awkwardly in bed together, and Lisa seems bored with Johnny as he sleeps.

The alarm clock goes off at :28. Johnny gets up, smells a rose, and bares his ass to the camera. He emerges from the bathroom dressed for work and greets Lisa.

Johnny: Did you like last night?

Lisa: Yes I did.

Johnny: Ha-ha-ha.

Lisa: Can I get you anything?

Johnny: Unh-unh. I have to go now.

Lisa: Okay, bye.

Johnny: Bye.

Johnny exits. Cut to an exterior daytime shot of the house, then to the living room. Lisa answers the door, and Claudette enters.

Lisa: Hi mom, how are you?

Claudette: I’m fine, how are you? Hmmm? Okay, let’s go to the couch, and we will sit down. Now, what’s happening with you? Hmmm?

Lisa: Nothing much. Do you want some coffee?

Claudette: What’s wrong? Tell me.

Lisa: I’m not feeling good today.

Claudette: Well, why not?

Lisa: I don’t love him anymore.

Claudette: Why don’t you love him anymore? Tell me.

Lisa: He’s so boring.

Claudette: You’ve known him for over five years. You’re engaged. You said you loved him. He supports you, he provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself. He’s a wonderful man, and he loves you very much. And his position is very secure. And he told me he plans to buy you a house.

Lisa: That’s why he’s so boring!

Claudette: Well, what are you going to do?

Lisa: I don’t know. I don’t mind living with him.

Claudette: Well, you can’t do that. Have you talked to him about it?

Lisa: No. I don’t know what to do.

Claudette: Well, he’s a wonderful person. And he’s getting a promotion very soon. Now he bought you a car, he bought you a ring, clothes, whatever you wanted, and now you want to dump him. That’s not right. I’ve always thought of him as my son-in-law. You should marry Johnny, he would be good for you.

Lisa: I guess you’re right about that.

Claudette: Well, of course I’m right. I know men! I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me.

Lisa: You’re probably right about that, mom.

Claudette: Well, I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Listen, I’ve gotta go. But you remember what I told you, okay? M-hm. Bye bye now.

Claudette exits

Lisa: (sarcastically) Thanks, mom.

The same room, later in the day. Lisa picks up the phone and Mark answers on the other end.

Mark: Hello?

Lisa: Hey baby, how are you doing?

Mark: Oh hey, how you doing? Yeah, I’m very busy, what’s going on?

Lisa: I just finished talking to my mom. She gave me this big lecture about Johnny.

Mark: Look, we’ll talk about it later. I told you, I’m very busy.

Lisa: We’ll talk about it now! Whenever you say we’ll talk about it later, we never do. I can’t wait till later. I want to talk right now. You owe me one anyway.

Mark: Okay. Alright, what do you want to talk about?

Lisa: She’s a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I’m not going to put up with that. I’m going to do what I want to do, and that’s it. What do you think I should do?

Mark: I mean, why do you ask me? You know, you’ve been very happy with Johnny. What do you want me to say? I mean, you should enjoy your life. What’s the problem?

Lisa: Maybe, you’re right. Can I see you tomorrow?

Mark: Okay. Alright, how about noon?

Lisa: I’ll be waiting for you. Bye.

Mark: Alright, see you.

Cut to gratuitous footage of a cable car in downtown San Francisco.

Back in the room, Lisa answers the door. Mark enters.

Mark: Hi. How you doing?

Lisa: I’m fine, come in. Have a seat. (they are silent while she pours wine and offers it)

Mark: Thank you.

Lisa: It’s hot in here. (she unbuttons the top of her blouse) Do you mind?

Mark: No.

Lisa approaches Mark in her strapless black dress.

Mark: I mean the candles, the music, the sexy dress, I mean, what’s going on here?

Lisa: I like you very much, loverboy.

Mark: What are you doing this for?

Lisa: What’s the matter? Don’t you like me? I’m your girl?

Mark: Johnny’s my best friend. You’re going to be married next month. Come on.

Lisa: Forget about Johnny. This is between you and me.

Mark: I don’t think so. I’m leaving now.

Lisa: Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I need you. I love you. I don’t want to get married anymore. I don’t love Johnny. I dream about you. I need you to make love to me.

Mark: I don’t think so. Everything’s going to be fine, I promise.

They proceed to kiss, then have fully clothed three-minute sex on the spiral stairs to the tune of terrible R&B (“you are my rose”).

Mark: Why did you do this to me? Why? Johnny’s my best friend.

Lisa: Didn’t you enjoy it?

Mark: That’s not the point.

Lisa: I love you, Mark.

Mark: Look, you’re very attractive, alright? You’re beautiful. But we can’t do this anymore. I can’t hurt Johnny.

Lisa: I know. He’s your best friend.

Mark: Hey. This will be our secret.

They kiss.

Cut to exterior shot of a hilly San Francisco street. Johnny’s car pulls up to a flower shop.

Johnny enters the flower shop.

Johnny: Hi.

Florist: Can I help you?

Johnny: (removing sunglasses) Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?

Florist: Oh hi, Johnny, I didn’t know it was you. Here you go.

Johnny: That’s me! How much is it?

Florist: It’ll be eighteen dollars.

Johnny: Here you go, keep the change. Hi doggy!

Florist: You’re my favorite customer.

Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye!

Florist: Bye bye!

Johnny exits with the roses and gets in his car.

The Room