Ichi's interlude #2

“That’s how I ended up here. I grabbed a few things, packed a bag, and rode the motorcycle to Yokohama. I had no plan, nowhere to go, and barely any money. I spent the next few months staying inside and studying day in and day out for the bar exam… I started as an accountant at the Miura firm just to get some money to live on”

“That truly is quite the story, Ren. And that’s how I met you. Isn’t it funny how things work sometimes?” Mrs. Ichi rocked back and forth in her chair, the sun had begun to go down. I’d spent all day talking to her, and she’d listened to every word, her attention entirely devoted to me.

I laughed, but she wasn’t wrong. I took this apartment building because it was the only one I could afford, and it just so happened I got the apartment next to hers. We were both lonely and needed someone to talk to, and although my initial reaction was to lock myself away from everyone and everything, somehow Ichi-Senpai had found a crack in the armor and worked her way in.

“It is strange how I ended up here…do you think… do you think I’m crazy, for leaving it all behind I mean?” Although I’d asked, a big part of me didn’t want to know what Ichi thought. I was afraid she thought I was a fool.

“Ren, may I be honest with you?” she said, the small little smile on her face was as comforting as ever. I gulped and nodded, but truly I wasn’t ready to hear what I thought was coming.

“I’m eighty six years old. I live here alone. Nobody really is left to come and visit me. Sure, I have children and even grandchildren, but they’re all grown and living their own lives now. My poor late husband, who passed away just a few months before you showed up in the building was my only light. He was the sun in my cloudy life.” Ichi’s smile only got bigger and brighter as she mentioned him.

“I’m so sorry Ichi-san… I had no idea…I”

“No no, that’s my point. Don’t be sorry. I had him and enjoyed him for sixty-five long, happy years. We raised and watched our beautiful children blossom and grow, going off on their own. I’ve lived so long that I didn’t think there was anyone left in this life for me to help. No reason for me to be here, I’d hoped I might die in my sleep and see my husband’s face awaiting me on the other side. But that never happened… I became so lonely and blue that I’d pray each night to God... please just let me go…”

I didn’t know what to say, I was surprised in so few words Ichi had made herself seem even more vulnerable than I had with my entire story.

“But then… something happened. You moved in! And you checked on me and brought me my mail. I ignored it for weeks, but you just kept at it. I didn’t think I wanted to let anyone else in… I didn’t want to feel any more loss in my life.” Ichi stood up, walking over to me slowly so she could cup my hand in hers.

“But I realized that even though it was painful to watch my friends and I all part ways when I was in school… Even though it was painful to see my children grow and no longer need me… Even though I had to see my husband die, I didn’t regret a single moment. This life of ours is plagued mostly by misery and sadness. We spend most of our time that way… miserable.” Ichi looked me in the eyes, her old wrinkled hands clutched mine tightly as she thought for a moment.

“But those sweet moments… those tender moments, those people I met along the way… They meant so much to me that no amount of sadness or suffering could be enough for me to regret them.”

“Ichi…” I muttered quietly, she had begun to cry.

“And now I met you. And when one day I die, and I turn to dust and every bit of me and all of those moments I hold dear are turned to dust with me… I’ll die knowing I enjoyed them until the very last moment, and nothing could be worth more.” I sat up , wrapping my arms around her tightly, holding her there for a long time as we cried together.

“Life is difficult sometimes, and in the heat of emotion, we make the wrong choices. But if it wasn’t too late for me to try one more time, I know it isn’t too late for you to try one more time.” She pulled back so she could wipe the wetness from my cheeks and give me her comfortingly wrinkled little smile.

“Thank you, Ichi. I think you’re right, I don’t think it’s too late… and I don’t think this story is entirely over yet.” I sniffled and wiped my face.

“Just remember Ren, even if it is the end. That’s okay too. But I think you’ll find what you’re looking for, out there waiting…” Ichi and I talked for several more hours. We went burned through my entire pack of cigarettes and multiple cups of coffee, but eventually, when the deep of night had settled over Yokohama, we had to part ways for the evening.

“Goodnight Ichi -san, I’ll think about what you said.” I bowed to her and smiled as she waved me off, walking to the door and then stepping out onto the balcony walkway. The air was chilly and I shivered, suddenly noticing a man standing just outside the door to my apartment.

“Dad?....” the tired shadowy form of my father slumped against the wall just outside my door came into view as I stepped a bit closer.

“Ren, your mother wanted me to… no, that’s not it. I wanted to come to see you, do you mind if we sit down?” I’m not sure how long my father had been standing there waiting for me, but he looked tired and cold.

“I guess… come on in, welcome to home sweet home…” I said, opening the door for him, and letting him step into the apartment first.

“So this is where you’ve been staying for the last few months, huh? Not too bad for a first apartment. Better than the first one I had…” my dad chuckled, trying to make a dry attempt at humor, but I dug into him immediately.”

“Why are you here, Genji?” I used his real name, under the impression I had been disowned.

“Ren…This isn’t easy for me to say, but you were right. I want you to come home…I…want to make amends” My father looked solemn as if he was anticipating instant rejection. It’s a face I’d often worn myself. All I could think of were Ichi’s words.

“I know it isn’t too late for you to try one more time.”

“I don’t understand… I thought you wanted nothing to do with me? That I was a delinquent… a disappointment. Now you’re here telling me I was right and asking me to come home and just forgive you?” My father twisted his hands back and forth uncomfortably between his knees.

“You were right, Ren. I was afraid. I was afraid of losing everything. I worked so hard day in and day out so that I could shelter you from that… so you’d never have to experience it for yourself, but in the process, all I ended up doing was make you feel alienated and unworthy. And for that, I’m truly sorry.” My father bowed his head.

“You have to let me live and experience things for myself, you can’t just try to control it all…you can’t just pretend to be strong when you’re broken…” I said, sounding stern and confident now as I spoke.

“I see that now. It may be too little, too late… but I miss you. Your mother misses you. I want you to come back and be my apprentice at the Natsukashi law firm… “

“You want me … to take over the business?” I hadn’t expected him to say that.

“Ren… You’re my only son. My flesh and blood. And you’re the most intelligent and gifted child a man could ask for. I’ll be damned if I let my own selfish insecurities cause you to not want me in your life” My father cleared his throat before continuing. “That is…if that’s what you want. I’d be happy to teach you everything I know. If not, just know your mother and I support you in whatever endeavor you choose in life… and we’ll happily have you home, anytime.”

I thought for a long time, the two of us sitting in silence. I thought back to every harsh, cruel thing he’d ever said. Each time I’d wanted him to comfort me, and all I received was harsh judgment. I thought back to all of those moments and decided they weren’t ones worth holding onto.

“I think… I think I’d like that very much.” I said, standing up and walking over to him. I extended a handshake to him, a small smile on my face. “I’m willing to try again.”

My father ignored my outstretched hand and instead wrapped his arms around me tightly. I stood there with my chin propped on his shoulder, seemingly frozen in a mixture of disbelief and bliss. When he finally pulled back, he was smiling.

“I know that there’s no way to make up for what I’ve done, or the time we’ve lost. But from here on out, I’d like to be the best father and mentor I can be to you. Will you come home with me tonight? Your mother will be so happy.” He laughed, a genuine, full laugh unlike any I’d ever heard from him before.

“No, no, I can’t. Not tonight. Do you think you can give me some time? There’s something important I have to do.” I was happy at that moment to have my family back, but I wouldn’t be able to move on until I at least got my closure with Aiko and Sen.

“Sure, sure thing. The door will be open for you, whenever you’re ready. Just call your mother, okay? She’s been crying every day.” He chuckled again and wiped his face.

“But I think you’ll find what you’re looking for, out there waiting…”