It's been a little over a year since I have lost one of my best friends. I still do not know how to deal with it. I am sure that once the shock and pain subside, there will be some sort of closure. But for now? The only thing that I can think about is her. Every single day, she crosses my mind at least once. And every time it happens, it feels like a dagger being shoved into my heart again. It sucks and I do not know how to feel about it. I just accept it.
I've tried so hard to move on with life. To live without her, but knowing I cannot talk to her each day... it is misery. I wonder if I could've done something different. I wonder if I could have been there. If I had known what was going to happen to her, maybe I would have stopped her from doing it. Maybe I wouldn't have to let her go. Maybe if I had been stronger, or better in some way, she would still be here. These are the things I hyper-fixate on while I'm alone.
The truth is, sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough. When it happened, It all happened so fast. It blindsided me and it was so hard to process. I mean, I never thought this would happen. She wasn't always the brightest light in the room, but even then, I never thought she would die. Ever. I thought she would be my friend until the end of my life... but at least I was her friend until the end. That's something. Right?
The guilt has been eating away at me. For weeks, when it happened, I did nothing but sit around and stare at the wall. I didn't leave my house. I ignored people. I stopped talking to most people. I felt like a complete asshole, honestly, my friends did not deserve how distant I became. I guess sometimes -- I hear a faint ringing in the other room, I think it's my phone -- I will just sit down and cry. It's pathetic. I don't really want to admit it, but I have been depressed. As I walk to my phone, I continue wondering what it will sound like when I pick up the call. I don't even bother to check who it is. "Hello?"
"Hey Alex." A voice chirps.
My eyes widen as I look at the screen.
"Hannah!" I exclaim, feeling my heart slightly lift. She's one of my only friends who still contact me no matter what. She didn't let me get away with wallowing away and I'm grateful for that.
"How ya doin' Alex? You okay?" Hannah asks, a slight chuckle coming out of the receiver.
I sniffle a bit. "Yeah, I guess so," I reply shakily.
"Good, be read in 15 minutes," The line goes dead. It didn't matter what I said, she made up her mind to pick me up long before I answered the phone.
I sigh, setting the phone back on the table. I take a deep breath, exhaling slowly. I wipe my eyes before looking around. Like I said, there aren't many people I still talk to. The people that still talk to me have been with me through thick and thin, and I'm thankful for that. But still, I miss her. I miss everything about her.
I grab a bottle of water and sip from it. I look up and see a few people walking by. They're smiling, laughing. People are happy because their lives haven't been touched by death. I wish mine hadn't either. But it has, and I'm trying to cope with it. I have to. I have to keep living. Without people like Hannah, I would've lost hope long ago.
I glance at my phone. It's been fifteen minutes. Hannah must be waiting outside. I sigh, getting up and heading towards the door. I open the door and step into the hallway. Hannah is already waiting for me. That beautiful dirty blond hair and an overblown smile never cease to brighten my mood, however slight. I'm glad to have someone like her in my life. We hug each other tightly. "Thank you so much for picking me up," I say softly.
"Of course! I hate seeing you mope around like that. Plus, we both need to catch up!" She says, squeezing me again. "You ready to go?"
"Yeah, I guess..." I murmur, nodding.
We walk out of the apartment building and head towards the parking lot.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
"I wanted to show you something," Hannah replies, smiling brightly. "You'll see."
"Okay," I reply, climbing into her car.
She starts the car and pulls out of the parking lot. After a few minutes, we pull onto the main road. There are cars everywhere, but the city is so busy that it doesn't seem to bother us at all.
Hannah laughs quietly as she drives, "I hope you're ready!"
"Ready for what?" I question, my eyebrows furrowed.
"This place is awesome!" Hannah exclaims, pointing ahead, "We're all going to have a lot of fun here!"
"All?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes, Alex. All of us," She smirks.