Chapter 33 - Reminding again who I am

The next morning, Mariam approached me and kicked me

“Did you do something again?” 😈

“……..🖕🏼” I could not said anything because of last night.

“Priscilla face is back to normal suddenly, even in her sleep she mumble something about James Bond…😏” this is getting more intense by the minute. This is just the first days in Long Pasia, I just hope mom’s work completed so we could be back home. But first I need to visit my old friend.

“Shut up….💢, hey Mar you guys go on ahead with breakfast I need to visit someone from the grave…”

“Right on, don’t you want to share with her as well😉” Mariam is really doing something now, I really believed she is on to something that will lead me to more trouble just for her fun.

“Maybe but for now I want to meet her alone…”

“Don’t you get emotional bro, because there is no Sylvia’s here…”

“I got you and Amin here to comfort me”🥰

“Awww, that is sweet…🖕🏼….fuck you asshole like I want to do that again, dickhead!!” We both laugh and she explain to me

“Yeah take your time then Alex….as long you don’t be like a zombie again…”

“Yeah, that I will…see ya”

I head straight to Frederica’s grave, once I reach there Tomal and Miranda is there as well.

“Hey kid!! Visit her again?” Tomal seem crying again, he must have missed her

“Come to greet her again Alex?” Miranda also cried, she must meant everyone here. Missing her is one thing but I got this feeling that this could be another day for me. I sit there after Miranda and Tomal leave.

I clean some of the weed from her grave, I manage to took an orchid that she loved.

“Hey, I come again knowing that you always lectured me in my dreams. Seems like the one that is like you have found another guy. But I have always believed that with experience in relationship makes someone stronger in heart. You know what, you are stronger than me. I know that feeling when you donate your blood and organs to me, I know that you are there with me. Then I know that every time I’ve lost, you be there to guide me. It's sound strange for a muslim like me to think like this but that feeling that Allah bless me with a second life knowing that I have died once. I will never stop to believed it that must be a reason for me to be alive now…”

I could only smile this time, my tears had all dried up. But deep within my heart guilt is lingers within me, I could not help her. Every time visiting this place had some connection to me and her. A powerful bond that could not be break even with a nuclear explosion. I sat there and someone calling me

“Is this…?” Its Priscilla, oh yeah she did not know about this.

“An old friend….that has pass on…”

“I’m sorry to hear this..”

“Nah, its nothing” Priscilla look at the marker written in the tombstone “Frederica Joanna Tagal 10 Oct 1985 - 10 oct 1991, a light that bring us joy. let the Almighty bring her back to eden…”

“If she survive now she is now 15…”

“Yeah..”

“Mariam told me about her but I rather hear it from Babe…” that Mariam, is that necessary to let people know about me? But sometimes if they wanted to know about me then…

“She is not just a friend…but the one that I loved for the first time…she has a terminal illness which had no cure…we only for a short few years but that fews years had a meaning that I cherish. She…”

“Babe..she is the special one is it?”

“Yeah..she died…because of me…”

“……………..Alex…..” I’ve got a feeling that Priscilla is trying to comfort me, but I really feel that it’s isn’t necessary.

“Based what I heard from mom, she could only lived until the age of seven…because of her brain tumour”

“Dear…7 years to live” I could see her face started to cry

“If you think that the life that we all went through but we are still alive to tell the tale…if I could do it, I will switch my life for her…” is what I really felt about that past. Priscilla hugged me

“You idiot..then you just waste your own life that was blessed…then just cherish it”

“yeah…hahahaha…I’m not that stupid to commit that…” looks like another one that will hear it

“Then…Alex….you..”

“I have died once..Pris…” Priscilla surprised by this but she wonder what have happen.

“What..then…?”

“Its her birthday that day…we suppose to have a feast for her 6th birthday, a year before the suppose life expectancy of Frederica but It went out early because of an accident.”

“Accident?”

“We suppose to have buffalo curry for our feast but the bull went loose and escape only to be the pathway where Frederica is so I…”

“What is it?…..did she got hit by the bull…” she is terrified

“well…I push her aside to save her but the bull hit me and I flies off from it, she is save though and I had died”

“………!!!!” Priscilla is shocked by this and she ask me

“How did you survived?”

“The only thing that I know is that mom told me that after that incident, Frederica is fainted as well, then the only last word that mom told me is she volunteered to be the donor for my body..”

Priscilla look at me and hold my cheeks

“Then…this is a gift from her…”

“yeah…” I didn’t expect that Priscilla is much more emotional compared to me.

“Then cherish it!!, you have done a lot of things, change someone’s life including me!!”

She hold my arm,

“Then…”

“You have change me, I’m always alone even before entering Borneo College, living alone in a large condo in Australia, only the maids looking after me. Meeting friends is something a challenge for me. When entering Borneo College, people looking at me like I’m just some special person, to the point they doing something that I don’t even want to remember…”

She is traumatise by her own fears of being alone? Or fear of making friends?

“How about now?”

“Getting to know you even we start with kidnapping me, and dragging me like in a James Bond scene. Riding bikes, dinner and even fighting goons like James Bond.” I don’t think James Bond beating bunch of goons just to get what he wants though.

After meeting with Frederica grave, me and Priscilla walking together. I know that she is beautiful in her own way, she is elegant even though a tomboyish character, in the end she is a girl. That is what I seen in her. I could easily talking with her with having any intimate feeling but I know she has feelings.

She look lonely while holding herself, concealing herself within a wall. What the fuck!! Fine I don’t like this kind of atmosphere where she is alienating herself.

That’s it!! I’m doing it, if Mariam seen this she will making fun of me.

I offer my hand like little children holding for a friend like I did before with Frederica.

“Hey…come on, I want to show you somewhere…”

“Uh…ok” I pull her hand, I rush to a place where I remember that me and Frederica was together. In the deep forest, a place where me and Frederica hid during the day.

“Where are you going?!” Priscilla seems uncomfortable

“Don’t think anything weird okay!!” Because she is traumatise with her past. But I just wanted to show her a place where she could be true to herself. Because I know that she is hiding her true self. Slowly we reach the place. Up in the hills where waterfalls of the forest hidden within.

“here…this is the place, thank goodness is still in one piece,”

Priscilla look uncomfortable, seems unsettle. She is showing something that I haven’t seen before.

She started to panic, while closing herself.

“No..no…no….I…not weak…..” She started to mumbling herself. I approach her.

“Hey!! Idiot!!”

“Dumbass!!” Priscilla open her eyes and I hold her arm.

“Here this is the place that I hang around with Frederica, a place where we could be ourself”

“What?”

Then I showed her what I mean, my true self is that I loved to dance. I remember the dance from Frederica taught me. A traditional dance, the dance of the birds. While listening to the sound of the waters flows and sound of the wind, the bristle of the leaves. She look a bit strange that is me doing the things here. And I shown her like Frederica taught me.

“Come on follow me..” I shown my hand to her. I show her how the dance works.

“just follow my steps”

“Okay…this is…like this?”

“Cool, just like that”

Impressed with Priscilla willing to follow me, I slowly move the dance in a spinning move. While my arm and her arms like birds. Priscilla did not hesitate but she is now confuse.

“Did you know that sometimes I feel like I’m out of place. I’m just too tall for anyone to love me”

“Shut up just follow me will ya!!” I kinda pissed with her out of place I just felt is not like her”

“Did you know…when I heard what you went through being hurt for our happiness….is just not fair…but you didn’t care about it.”

“Huh?! Is that what you think about…because if you keep going like that its going to kill you”

“Then what do I need to do?” She is like an open empty book, needed someone to write from her book. She definitely look being spoilt, but I’m not the kind of guy to take that advantages.

“Thats it!!” Now I’m pissed

“Lets do this the hard way” she must be really need to be pampered but I believed she is the type that only answered with fist

“Huh?”

“I’m started to get bored already, wanted to spar?”

She suddenly smile and said to me

“Fine!! About time for warm up!!” She clutch her fist

She instantly lunge at me and strike at me with her MMA, her punches stings. It’s still funny because we could only speak with our fist. She is smiling and laughing.

“Next time don’t you ever forget to invite me to your fights again. I just could not accept!!”

“We’ll see about it!!” We spared each other until she is tired for it.

“Darn it!!! You still standing from the spar!!” Priscilla

“Yep thats the secret!!😁

“Fighting you i understand what you mean and i understand why Mariam is really pissed with you”

“So whats dragging you down?”

“Babe….you really understand what i’m thinking” thats pure bullshit i don’t think i could understand your own world or even i really cared about it!!

“About Sylvia we’re just friends got it!!” Why the hell i said that i’m pretty sure she doesn’t believed one bit i said here!!

“Yeah right about being friends😒, i’m pretty sure she been that deep….” Damn this is a trap because if i said this it will create a misunderstanding again, i’m pretty sure Mariam gonna make things even worst for me just for her own fun.

“I’m just wanted avoid having a relationship i just wanted to have someone who understands me not just having to being a lover but a comrade….”

“Hahahahahaha!!!!! That is the most lamest thing i’ve heard!!! You really make my day Babe!!! Hahahahaha!!!!!”

“Yeah that’s who i am, hahahahahaha!!!!” We laugh out loud just having this conversation but something about having a best friend talking about this. Priscilla is someone that I’m confident to share something from me.

We both hang around at the waterfalls just having a conversation together. At least being with Priscilla is unexpectedly passive at the moment, seems like this must be her true self, she just need someone to chat with her.

“Babe….” But now her expression started to change. She suddenly looking at me differently. Her gaze suddenly become seductive.

“uh….you getting really close to me…”😨

“You the only one that I’m really wanted to do this, I hate to be the third wheeler…” she is really close to me. Not another girl trouble🥶.

“Uh i think its the heat here that makes you gone crazy right how about we going back?”

She suddenly kiss me and hugged me. Shit!! This is not goes as plan in 1 minute she let go and said to me

“Thats how i feel about you babe…” she is licking her mouth now. I started to get crazy here, i hope what happens here left here, let it float in the air.

“Thanks babe…” she suddenly thanking me ?

“For letting me find out my true feelings….i’m not going to lose to anyone now….”

Dear me, a lesson for you to know, next time bring your buddies if you don’t want any girl trouble again or else your life will get even shorter.

Priscilla seems back to her normal self but even more aggressive than before. She has this princess aura surrounds her. We head back luckily she does not hold hands like Sylvia but i had a bad feeling from her. Once we back to the research centre, Mariam is waiting for us. She look really wanted to tease us.

“So where have you been eh?”😏 Mariam

“Uh we were walking around got it Mar!”

“Kukuku…..seems like this is going to be fun anytime soon….” She holding her camera and said to Priscilla

“Pose!!” Priscilla suddenly hugged me and kiss to my cheeks

“Hey!!!” That point is when i suddenly went blank which Hana actually drop kick me to the head and I instantly fainted, testimony from Amin

When i woke up, Hana is there and my body is being bind with a rope and Hana warn me

“Seems like Big Brother is getting bad with bad girls all around💢” she tied me and hang me to a tree, oh shit…Hana is serious. But how did she manage to get a hold on this? I saw mum is with Hana including Mariam.

“We here to remind you that this is a place of learning not having girl trouble again…”

“Big brother is going to be cleanse…”

“kukuku….this is going to be fun…”

“Sorry bro….this is going to hurt….”

I don’t want to remember what happen after that torture, to remind my pitiful school life will be quick and short.

Hana and mom is really harsh with a lot of whipping and beating that I could still feel it. Miranda called me

“Well that look horrifying….never seen that thing happen…”

“yeah..that was harsh…” I suddenly had a feeling that I need to visit Frederica’s house

“Hey, Frederica’s parents is back at the house?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I want to visit her house again…”

“Sure, you’re welcome there…” I head there to her house again, trying to find out something that Frederica wanted to give me before.

I meet her parents

“Is it ok if I wanted to check her room again?”

“sure…she will be glad for you”

“Thanks”

I went back to visit her room, before this its quite emotional for me to check but this time I had to. Once reach her room it’s like back in time, when she was alive. I could have remember that she wanted to give me something. When I open her drawer, there it is. A wood craving, that resemble a bird. Her mother said to me

“She wanted you to have it…”

“Thanks” I wore that necklace, its tiny but I know its a symbol of a bird. To her its symbolise freedom. Her mother also gave me her diary where I took it and read all of it again. I realise that she has a strong will. Where I went to the gardens and took an orchid. I head to her grave again, and lay it on her grave.

“Hey thanks for the necklace…” I went back from the grave and return to the research centre where my friends and my family is there. Tama approach me and said to me that mom had done her job, and plan to return back home tomorrow.

“Are you okay leaving your family again?”

“I’m fine because I have you and Hana….” We went back to the quarters, where Amin and Mariam is recording what they have been experience in this place. Hana is arguing with Priscilla. I begin to read her journals. They only thing that peak my interest where she said about me. ‘A stupid overactive kid with no sense of the surroundings….’ I smile at it, looking at the window where most of my journey had been if I don’t settle it. If I had face such peril again, where would I ended up to.

During the night where we gather at the fireplace, people sharing stories, while mom is sharing her stories to Mariam and Amin. While Hana and Sam is sleeping. Priscilla is also fascinated with the Lun Bawang, she hangs around with mom. Well then, time for me to head out to place where is a secret only me and Frederica. I slowly sneak out and head to the place where me and Frederica went. Its the full moon, on the top of the hill, with a slight chill from the calm breeze. I started to dance that Frederica taught me.

It keeps me at peace, remembering how it went, the flow, the feel. Something a strange feeling within even though with my wrathful self, how my own hands have hurt a dozen people suddenly trying to dance through. I don’t care any of it, and let it flow.

Yeah, let it flow…