Bothersome Emotion

Yesterday was a hard day. Not often I get to say that genuinely from the depths of my heart. Sure it was a challenging day since I struggled at the very first steps of learning magic. But, that was not the reason as to why I think why it was a hard day.

It was hard because it was emotionally hard for me. Reason being was...my… Mother…

I was confused with myself yesterday. Like a machine starting to break due to functioning errors.

I felt something different from my interaction with her yesterday.

With a day passed, I finally had a clearer mind about it. But, I still do not know how to take it.

I am starting to have an idea what this emotion I was feeling. This… this prohibited emotion. I am now starting to have misgivings about my principles, my rules, the rules integrated into me that I fully agree.

I am slowly crossing the line.

It made me angry, irritated. But it also made me sad… and tired.

Whenever I reach that point, I’ll just throw it out of my head. I prefer not to think about it. Those are… unnecessary thoughts.

But, were they truly?

Tch. See? Doubts have begun to sprung up, and I am not fond of it in the slightest.

I just want to stop thinking.

I was currently on my way to breakfast and I am not particularly attentive to my attendants since I was in a sour mood. But of course, there was a facade of disappointment and unmotivated.

I have no intention of having people a peek of my true emotions.

But, to be honest, my genuine expression might have been exposed to my mother yesterday.

When she said those words to me.

I could still clearly remember it.

Many always say those words to me, genuine or not. But from my Mother, it felt different, it was more sincere. It wouldn’t leave my head and they always echo in my ears.

Thinking about it only made me irritated towards myself.

How pathetic of me.

Pathetic. Very pathetic. Foolish. Stupid.

I then arrived at the dining room. My family was already there, I was a bit late due to having to compose myself and the preparation of the equipment took longer than I wanted.

There they were, my father, brother, and… mother.

Mother then raised her eyes and met mine.

I instantly turned my eyes away, avoiding eye contact.

I didn’t consciously do it. It felt like I only did it on reflex.

Why? Why didn’t I want to look at her eyes?

My… eyes just moved on their own. What reason could there be for doing so?

I do not understand.

Seeing my reaction, my mother looked startled and puzzled.

I subtly took a deep breath, I must not act this way. I must be natural.

I forced my eyes forward and I smiled slightly.

“Good morning.”

I said brightly to them before receiving greetings from each of them. I then went on to sit at my usual spot. And I will be beside my mother.

I did my all to remain as Estelia. The food arrived and I began to eat.

I wanted to think of something else as I did so.

Yesterday, I failed. I failed at the very basics.

That said, it did give me a bit of thinking.

I might not be originally from this world, but this body of mine was from this world. Therefore, naturally I am compatible with magic. Thus, I only need patience.

In addition, I finally had an idea of how mana feels like, although that was just the faintest idea. Of course that was with the help of my mother…

I tried to use the tips I received from Vernon and her. Actually, the way I did it gave me a good feeling that I was making progress.

I have been feeling strange lately. I couldn’t explain how exactly, but somewhere in my body I feel change, like a tingling feeling, or something crawling, not anything bad though. They were just passing feelings.

I feel it won’t be long.

“My daughter.”

Suddenly my mother called out to me.

“Yes, mother?”

“Let us have lunch together again today, like yesterday, alright?”

I resisted the urge to sigh. I would have strongly preferred to keep a short distance between us, for my sake. But, denying her now would be bad, especially in the image of Estelia. In addition, what good reason would I have to deny her?

If I deny and give no reason, they might start to think something was strange going on with me. I acted weirdly yesterday in front of her, my great blunder. There was a bit of awkward silence when we ate together yesterday.

Ultimately, avoiding and escaping this would only be tiring. And, I can’t run from this, I can’t avoid this all the time. I must face this head on. Trying to run away in this kind of situation would only be cowardice that would only undermine all what I have faced in the past.

“Of course, mother. I will be very delighted.”

I said, but I failed to make eye contact.

“Aaaw, you are to dine together? How lucky.”

My father said with a hint of jealousy in his eyes.

“You are free to join us, if you like. Meaning leaving your work for a short while,” my mother said.

“I’ll do my best.”

My father flashed a thumbs up with a grin.

“If father’s going, then I won’t miss the fun. I’ll slam those stacks of paper if I have to, just so I can see my dear sister.”

Estevan said with a broad smile. I am starting to feel like he was treating me as a stress reliever.

I giggled.

“I will be very happy if we are together. I am starting to miss our time together.”

I said joyfully. This may be good for me. I would prefer them being around than being alone with Mother.

Sometimes, having company boosts confidence or helps you move forward, or something like that.