12ish

I  loved the smell of sea salt air. But more than that the way the waves sounded as the splashed on the shore covering my sandy feet. It was the escape I needed from the last few months. Dennis was released shortly after his arrest as he was actually trying to use it on himself and Angie had the human decency to stop him from doing so. which is how the struggle ensued. I didn’t know if I believed him and all that really mattered was that the damage had been done.

I laid on the warm beach taking one more deep breath before I was forced back into my reality.

The custody battle was hardly a battle as they both agreed to 50/50 time. And while we lived with Angie, Dennis made the three hour trip every weekend to pick us up. The memories I tried so hard to push back in would leak out occasionally. It held me like a vice grip and the more I struggled the tighter latched.

“Hey case you ready to head out” I heard Dennis shout from the pier.

No, I never was. Here I was able to gather myself. But I also got to fantasize. I looked beyond where I was to see the families building sand castle decorated with shells and sticks. I heard the laughter of children and seagulls swooping into the water hoping for a snack. The water was murky and brown, unlike the pictures I had seen of beaches in magazines and books. But it was beautiful. The sun danced across the horizon glittering over the deep waters. And I wondered what magic hid underneath the surface.

I forced myself off the ground and wiped the sand from my arms and legs. My hair tangled from the brine of ocean water.

“Do I have to be?” I asked gruffly

“Yeah your moms gonna be here in a bit and she’s taking you guys out for dinner” he retorted. I know they were never going to be on good terms but I heard it in his voice that he still loved her. It was a fucked up kind of love. One that made me hope I never fell for anyone.

“Yep I’m ready I guess” I walked slowly through the sand careful not to step on the sharp broken shells scattered throughout the area. I was more sad than usual saying goodbye. It was like my subconscious knew this would be my last time here. At this beach and with my dad.

We packed up his car and drove back to his bungalow where Izzy and Bryson were waiting patiently. To be fair I could have walked but the ocean had exhausted me and it was a treacherous feat just to make it to his car.

“Mommy’s coming Casey” Izzy said as if I wasn’t already aware.

Angie had spent the last few weeks with her boyfriend Jason in New Hampshire. I met him once before and by all accounts he seemed decent enough. But I still didn’t like him.

BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP. The car horn sounded and Bryson and Izzy rushed to the window.

Dennis stood up to greet my mother and her boyfriend.

“Hey ang… Jason” my father said

“Hi..” she rolled her eyes and pulled out a Marlboro menthol as she awaited the slew of children eager for her return. Bryson was the first out the door

“Mommy!” He squealed while thrusted up into the air.

Sometimes it seemed like Angie actually gave a shit about Bryson. She always seemed pleased with herself while doting on her youngest baby.

Izzy was next she gave my dad a hug as he kissed her forehead. And she skipped over to my mom and Jason

“I got seashell necklace!” She revealed it in proud manner

“Ooo how pretty” Angie said in a mocking tone.

Izzy was none the wiser that Angie didn’t actually like it and climbed into the car.

I sat still in the house hoping they wouldn’t notice I was still hiding away.

“What the hells Casey doing, I’m tired, we need to get home” Angie snarled

I stood up trying my best to seem unbothered by once again leaving this beautiful place.

My dad walked in the house and squeezed me in the tightest bear hug he could muster.

“I don’t want to go.” I grumbled

“I know kid but you have to go home” he made known that I always had a place with him many times before. The only issue was Angie’s pride. What kind of mother lets her child live with their father she had said on many occasions.

I shuffled passed him and grabbed my back pack filled to the brim with unfolded laundry.

“Hey case, talk to your mom, I’d love for you to live with me” I don’t know if he said this because he knew the answer would be no or if he genuinely wanted me there. I smiled and waved goodbye.

The car was booming with loud bubbly pop music and Izzy trying to sing along. This was awful I’d have a migraine before this car ride was done.

I looked out the window to see my dad waving us off. I lifted one finger up in the air to say goodbye again.

“So who wants pizza” Jason asked.

Who does this guy think he is? Does he think pizza is gonna win us over? Stupid.

“Meeeee!” Exclaimed Izzy and Bryson.

I looked at them with disgust.

“Traitors” I muttered under my breath. I crossed my arms and furrowed my brows

“Case! Pizza? Yes? No?” Jason asked. Why did it matter everyone else said yes already. He didn’t need my approval.

“Fine, whatever” I said never breaking eye contact with my reflection in the window.

“Casey watch the attitude” Angie said her green eyes peering at me from rear view mirror.

“It’s fine baby” Jason said in a lowered voice “Casey’s probably just tired from swimming all day huh case” he continued.

I wished he’d stop calling me that. He’s not my dad he doesn’t get to call me case. But I tried my best to shrug it off

“Yup Jason just really fucking tired” I spat out. What’s the worst she would do for cussing kill me? Good I wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore.

“CASEY DIANE, what is wrong with you?” Angie demanded an answer.

You’re a terrible mom who got to dip out again and go to amusement parks. you have some random guy in our lives now? You left my dad. You’ve treated me like a babysitter since I can remember. What else?

But instead “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say the f word I’m just tired” is all the came out.

“Ya know every time you come back from seeing that man you have a bad attitude. Does he tell you to act like this? Huh? To get back at me?” She questioned.

“No.” I remarked.

“We’ll fix the shit Casey I’m not dealing with it today. Besides we have great news” she beamed.

“Did we get a puppy” Izzy asked

Izzy want a real pet since we found her hamster dead in dryer vent.

“No Izzy we did not get a puppy” Jason said.

We pulled up to the pizza joint and hopped out appearing to the world as a happy family. But that was the last thing we were.

I remained stoic for most of the time they were eating. I basically put myself on a hunger strike to show I was not accepting any bribes from this random guy.

“So the good news, we wanted to tell you guys” My mom said in a shrill voice.

I felt myself sink back further into the booth wishing it to consume me completely.

With a raise of her left hand the light of the pale yellow ambiance danced across a three stone ring. The smile never fading from her face.

“That’s a pretty ring” Izzy chimed in

I stared at the ring and back at her almost a dozen times before I understood the message she was sending.

“You’re getting married?” Hardly containing my horror. I could scream. The divorce was barely finalized and she was ready to replace my dad so soon. With someone who didn’t even know her kids? I had been furious with her before, what I was feeling now exceeded that. I was done. I get feel my face grow warm. My knuckles tightened till the whites showed.

“Yes. Married Casey.” She said almost to further irritate me. But that would imply she cared about my opinion at all. Which clearly she didn’t. She brought a strange man into our lives without a second thought. And I hated her more than ever.

I was screaming in my brain tears welling in my eyes. But this time I would not give her the satisfaction of seeing me bothered. I closed my eyes breathed out after what felt like hours.

“I’m going to the bathroom” I slowly got up and stormed off. I turned the water all the way on hoping the more I turned the colder it would become and splashed it on my face. My chest tightened and I couldn’t breathe. These spells that were cast over me had been happening since I was 5 and I was almost 12 now. I looked at myself in the mirror ‘pull it together you gotta pull it together’ ripped the rough cardboard brown sheet from the metal dispenser and roughly rubbed my face. I quietly opened the door and walked back to the table. Jason was a tall scrawny man with icy blue eyes his head was shaved so low he might as well have been bald. He looked much older than he actually was given he was only 12 years older than me. He was everything opposite of my dad. His teeth were misaligned where my dads were straight and he had this weird north eastern accent. I could see he was fake and I was never going to like him. But I knew pushing him away meant pushing my mother which meant pushing my brother and sister.

I took my seat in the booth next to Izzy once again hoping they wouldn’t notice. But of course this was the one time she did.

“Casey things are gonna change, we’re moving to Georgia after we get married” Angie declared.

What I’m the fuck was in Georgia? Once again my life was going to be uprooted. But I didn’t argue. I just nodded and tried to play her game. Hoping she would remember this and when I brought up moving in with my dad she would be more inclined to agree.

The drive back home was tiring. My legs cramped and my arm was asleep because Izzy had spent the better half of it using it as a pillow. When we finally arrived the air was thick and smelled of freshly cut grass the moon was bright and twinkling bigger than I had ever seen before. I slowly walked up to our concrete porch never taking my eyes off of the grey orb in the sky wishing to be a star floating next to it instead of here walking into the house that never felt like home.

“Go take a shower you smell like fish water” My mother criticized.

That hurt. I don’t know why but it did. It was the start of many criticisms she would bestow upon me.

I walked into the bathroom the same one where my dad helped me with my first period. I looked across the hall in my parents… my moms room and the flashbacks hit me from that night. Did I see everything correctly? Everything happened so fast. Angie wasn’t a victim. She was an abuser. But the image of dad holding a knife while she pushed it away was burnt into my head. But Angie wasn’t scared, my dad looked defeated he looked like a person who had lost it all.

“Casey” My mom said snapping me back to reality “shower now”

I fixed. My posture and began to move around lost in thought.

“Mom?” I uttered “can I.. can I live with dad” the last words toppling over each other.

The smile turned to a fierce straight line and she raised a brow.

“You wanna live with Dennis?” She inquired.

“Yes, I wanna live with dad” I responded sheepishly.

“I mean, yeah, sure I guess” as if it wasn’t even something to think about.

I had asked her this many times over the months of court dates and mandated therapy sessions and was always met with a firm no. But I didn’t even question her motives. I went from furious to absolutely elated.

I ran and hugged her

“Thank you! Thank you” I practically jumped into the shower ready to oblige any order she gave me.

I woke up groggy and wiped the gunk from my eyes. The conversation from the previous night pushing its way to the front of my brain.

“Ahhh! It wasn’t a dream” I said while kicking my feet tossing my blanket to the floor.

“What wasn’t a dream?” Izzy said in a yawning voice. Her frizzy waves sticking up at all ends and a trail of dried drool stuck to her chin.

“I’m moving in with dad” I exclaimed hardly containing all the emotions begging to be freed.

I looked over to my sisters sweet sleepy face to see horrific expression growing.

“You’re leaving us?” She fretted.

The big tears forming in her tired eyes.

It wasn’t like that. I wasn’t leaving her or Bryson. But to be fair I was all she ever consistently had. I wanted nothing more than for my sister and brother to be with me.

“No, no, Izzy” I mumbled the words trying to think of a better way to ease her.

“I’m not leaving you, I just want to stay with dad”

Her face contorted and settled on a pout.

“Izzy don’t be like that I will still see you all the time I just” I didn’t know what to say.

I could feel the coldness radiating off her from across the room. She turned head further to face the wall.

“Fine be mad at me I’m leaving soon anyways” i fumed.

I was only 11 and it wasn’t my job to be her parent. I deserved to be happy too. And if she wanted to stay here with Angie and Jason so be it.

I stomped away and slammed the door. Instantly feeling the guilt. Thinking I should turn around and apologize but deciding against it.

The smell of bacon rising through the house jolted my stomach awake.

The grumbles and groans from deep inside sending a twinge through my abdomen. I walked slowly down the stairs and was greeted by Jason, Angie and Bryson.

“Hey case, good morning you want some breakfast” My mother said.

Who was this person? And what had she done with my mom. Even on her best days Angie wasn’t a make breakfast kind of person. More of a cereal or starve kinda person.

“Uh yeah, sure, thanks” I remark confusion present on my face. I could feel it. And Angie could as well.

I was almost afraid to make the plate. Was it poisoned? Did somebody die and this was her way to soften the blow?

“Come sit with us” she patted the chair that sat next to hers. I obliged and slid the wooden legs across the bumpy faux marble tiles.

“So we have a lot of planning to for the move and you and your sister go back to school soon” she playfully said as she stared into her lovers eyes. Jason smiled with food still in his mouth I could see the burnt pieces of toast still stuck in between his teeth.

“When am I moving?”i asked enthusiastically. Recalling the night before.

A look of terror shot through my moms face as perplexity rose on Jason’s.

“Oh, well, you see, I called your dad and he thinks it’s best you stay with us for a little bit longer until he can get… up settled. Boring adult stuff you wouldn’t be interested in” she masterfully created the scene in her head.

I moved my chair to face her directly

“How long will that take?” I demanded the answer.

“Oh gee, I don’t really know sweetie. It could be a few weeks or months” she retorted.

I stood up. I wasn’t sure what game she was playing at but I was done being apart of it.

“You’re lying, dad said I could..” I angrily replied but was cut off abruptly

“Do not speak to me in that tone young lady. I’m your mother” Angie must have been practicing that line.

So now she gets to play mommy. It’s convenient now that she was this new boyfriend she gets to pretend that she cares if I’m around. Or was it that she would no longer have free child care?

“I’m calling dad” I daringly stated as to test her.

I walked to the phone and picked it up from the receiver and began to dial in his number

“Absolutely not. You are not calling him and you are not living with him. End of story” she seemed pleased with herself.

The anger abruptly shot through me.

“I hate you. You ruined my life.” I meant every word.

I didn’t care that Dennis was a bad person to her, she wasn’t good either and at least I know Dennis wouldn’t abandon me to fend for myself like she had since I was born.

“Casey, let’s talk about this kid, I know you’re upset” Jason said in a deep but calm tone.

“No you’re not my dad this is all your fault” I ran off while grabbing the phone.

I punched in the numbers and waited for him to answer.

“Cmon pick up, pick up, pick up” I cried out and then nothing.

The ringing stopped and there was silence on the other end.

“Hello, dad? Dad? It’s Casey! Hello?” I repeated far longer than I should have.

I tossed the phone on the floor stuck my head in my pillow and screamed until it felt like blood was pouring from my ears.

A knock from the other side of my door prompted me to lift my head

“What? Just go away.” I sniffled

“Hey Casey it’s me” Jason said

He was the last person I wanted to talk to. I wished myself away from this place and in my brain I was back on the warm beach.

My dad sitting next to me and Izzy and Bryson playing in the water.

My day dream was put to an end by my door squeaking open.

“Hey, sorry I know you’re upset and I’m the last person you want to see” at least he wasn’t stupid. “But I just wanted to say that I’m trying kid. I’m not trying to take the place of your dad, but I will be here for you if you need me”.

I looked away and aggressively wiped the tears and snot that covered my face.

I refused to answer. I didn’t care how nice this guy was if Angie wanted him he couldn’t have been that good.

“Look I care about your mom, which means I care about you too, I hope we can be friends” he held his hand out as a peace offering and I shook it. Anything to get him the hell away from me.

The days had passed as I sat endlessly waiting for a phone call. And nothing happened.

“You have no new messages”

The weeks came and went.

“You have no new messages”

And months

“You have no new messages.”

The anger turned to sadness and sadness to acception and the acception into a deep dark depression.

My dad, abandoned me. I was alone. I had nobody.

The movers came and took down the posters from my bedroom wall. The pictures of my father had vanished. As if he was never there to begin with. We loaded up the last little bit of items in our car and drove away from the house that had caused so much pain.

“Casey Izzy Bryson, we’re finally going to be happy. With me and dad” Angie said.

The bile always found a way to escape my stomach when she called him dad. What was worse is how easily Izzy and Bryson accepted this transition. I learned to smile when I was sad and kept everything tightly locked away. I didn’t know how much worse things would be from here on out. And I no longer cared.