11 at gun point

Angie was home. And something was off. She had returned almost a new person. Did something happen to make her see the importance of our family. I saw my dad smile with her for the first time in my life. There hasn’t been an explosive fight since her return. It was almost as if someone had swapped places with her. I should just be happy but behind Angie was always natural disaster. She was a hurricane she left pain in the wake of her appearances and was I supposed to just forgive her?

Bryson my two year old brother crawled up into her lap and was greeted by the the mother I had begged for. And for the first time in my life I didn’t feel resentment. I was genuinely happy that we all had this new mom. The small trickles of bewilderment weren’t dulled bu these moments though. Try as I might to push the feeling aside they would creep up whenever she tried to hold me or tell me she loved me. When would she drop the facade? When would the ball drop?

Weeks of this new Angie had passed and I felt my guard slip. I didn’t care anymore that she WAS a bad mom for the first ten years of my life, because now she was good. It’s almost as if she peeled back the layers and gazed into my thoughts and implemented them to her actions.

I was completely happy. Angie, Dennis, Casey, Izzy. And Bryson.

We were on the outside a perfect family now. If only people knew the storm that was brewing inside of Angie’s mind. If only I knew.

The unwelcome feeling I had when my mom announced she was pregnant for the third time was profusely detrimental. To say I was angry was an understatement. She already had two kids she wanted nothing to do with why make another one?

But the second I looked into his big brown eyes I fell apart. With Izzy there was unexplainable rage. I was my daddy’s girl how dare she interrupt that. But with Bryson I felt maternal. I wanted to care for him and love him forever and did that every day for the year she was in Japan.

“Izzy do you wanna help me and Bryson decorate for new years” I asked her genuinely hoping she would. Izzy had grown to be quite pretty. She was everything I had wished to look like at her age. Small eyes but shaped so beautifully they were a deep blue gray like a mountain over a lake. A perfect button nose and a cute sweet smile with full cheeks. Her long wavy blonde hair was something out of a commercial. She was basically the exact opposite of me and Bryson. We both had deep brown eyes heavy brows wide noses and thin lips. Izzy was exactly what all the girls I knew wished to look like.

“Sweet” I retorted pretending I didn’t care as much as I did. We began the long process of cutting hundreds of colorful stars to plaster through our house. The happiness was brought to halt from a loud crash in my parents bedroom.

“Stay here. Izzy if anything happens run to the neighbors” I commanded. She nodded her head in compliance. And I bolted upstairs.

For most kids a loud bang coming from a seemingly innocent house wouldn’t be a big deal. But this was our house and I knew better. The ball dropped the night before when I heard my dad screaming at my mother.

“Divorce!? You want a fucking divorce. What..” I heard my father say as I eavesdropped from the stairs.

“Yes Dennis a divorce I can’t do this anymore and I met someone else” she said the venom still seething on her tongue her goal to hurt my father.

He was right to be confused the past few weeks had been amazing. Why drop this bomb now? It was all a clever trick and just like that I hated her again. I crawled silently back to my room that night and awoke the next morning thinking it was just another stupid fight.

The house was silent when I awoke so I concluded the anger had passed. And continued on with our New Year’s Eve plans.

The conversation of the night before stuck with me as I raced up the stairs willing my body to go faster.

My hand froze on the doorknob. When I opened this door would I see my dad hurt. Would he be alive. Angie was evil and I was sure if anyone was hurt it was him. I breathed deeply and pushed it. It was locked

“Dad… are you ok” I cried out as I knocked over and over again. I heard shuffling and grumbles coming from the room but no response. “DAD OPEN THE DOOR” I shouted. I heard the cries of my brother from downstairs and like they were a key to opening this room the door opened I rushed in. Face painted red afraid of the sene around me. But nothing was wrong.

“What happened? What was that loud bang” I demanded answers. In my brain I was the parent and I needed to break this scuffle of fighting children up.

“Nothing. Nothing honey I just fell” Angie blurted out.

“Dad..” I pondered waiting for his response.

He sat there solemn his hand battered and red. “Mom what did you do to him” I asked.

The mask she was wearing slipped and I saw Angie’s villainous eyes peak from behind.

“She didn’t do anything Casey” my dad replied. The distraught tore across me like a blade. And my dad stepped aside to expose a fist sized hole in the wall.

“Why did you hit..”I struggled to find the words.

I could see the shame seep through my fathers body and he feel to his knees. Crying and shaking he begged for forgiveness. From me, my mother, or god, I would never know.

“Casey he’s fine, can you just like mind your own business” ah there she was the Angie we all knew and hated.

The one who left me to my own devices. To raise and care for her children, but now I wasn’t allowed to be in adult business. I backed out of the room and slowly slid down the railing of our stairs.

I didn’t have the luxury of expressing my emotions and right now my only job was to distract Izzy and Bryson rom the chaos of our household.

“What happened Casey? Is mommy and daddy okay” Izzy asked genuine concern shaking in her voice.

I pulled a smile onto my face

“Yeah iz everything is fine mom just fell and now there’s a hole in the wall” I giggled trying to make a silly situation out of a bad one.

“Is she hurt?” The anxiety still chasing the words she muttered.

“Yeah I promise she’s fine” I grabbed her small hand and squeezed in mine.

And just like that, as to not make a liar out of me. Angie appeared behind me.

“Hey beautiful babies who’s ready for a New Year’s party” she exclaimed clapping her hands together.

“Meeee!!” Izzy said elated. We never had parties let alone one we could invite friends too.

And as much as I wanted to tell her to go to hell I didn’t.

“Me too.” I said making sure there wasn’t an ounce of dispare in my voice.

“Casey I decided, you” she paused for dramatic effect “can have a sleep over” she bit her bottom lip as if she was awaiting for me to be excited.

“Wait really!?” I complied. I had never had a sleepover with anyone who wasn’t a cousin. I had always been too embarrassed. But if Angie was insisting, I assumed she would be on her best behavior.

I sat staring at the clock waiting for 8 o’clock to hit. My two closest friends would be there then. I hadn’t had the luck to find a best friend in this new town but I was content with the few I made. I could never replace Vanessa or Judy and I never planned to. But I was excited to have this moment.

10 minutes had passed since 8pm and I almost let the insecurities take me over. Until I heard a knock on the doors I jumped out of my position and ran not caring that my leg was cramping. My dad opened them and I was greeted by two friendly faces. Ashley and Brittany. Ashley was tall with pin straight black hair and slender frame. Brittany was short and had a perfectly round face. Beautiful in different ways. I tended to surround myself with beautiful people because honestly I was what my mother referred to as a holmly child.

“Hey girl!” They both said at the same time.

Our parents exchanged numbers and had small talk while I showed them all the snacks we had.

It was as if the events of the last 24 hours never happened. And for the first time I was allowed to just be a kid.

“Can I hang out with you guys” Izzy said innocent eyes peering at me.

I looked back at my friends who were giggling and making faces. Afraid of being considered a loser to my new found friends

“No Izzy these are my friends and you’re too little to hang out with us” the words stung me as I let them escape. I didn’t want to say no. But what other choice did I have? I did not want to become the social pariah who let her baby sister ruin our cool big kid party.

Izzy started to cry and ran away as my friends laughter grew.

“Anyways who wants to watch a movie, I’ve got like a million” I asked.

They both just stood there as if I asked them the worst thing ever.

What did 11 year olds do at parties? I tried to come up with as many ideas in my brain as I could.

“Wait actually we can do makeovers. If you guys want” I said this in a tone to appear as if I didn’t care

“Oh my god yes” Brittany said elated I had brought it up.

I wasn’t even allowed to wear makeup. How was I going to get it. Why was I so dumb?

“Okay cool. Um we have to wait for my parent to go to sleep so I can take my moms makeup” I said while rolling my eyes.

“Actually I brought my own so we can use that if you’re ok with that” Ashley finally spoke up.

Relief took me over and we started to set up our makeover station. The next hour was filled with laughs and gossip about who the cutest boy in class was. It was hard for me to keep up. I never thought about stuff like this I spent my days worrying about school work and getting home to make sure our household was taken care of. It was unnatural for me to be in a normal environment. And just as if to remind me of who I was a scream broke out across the house.

I bolted for the stairs and looked into the open room where my mother and father were fighting. Worse than I had ever seen before. The knife in my fathers hands and my mother struggling to break free. I felt my knees weaken and fear take over. What do I do? What do I do? My brain shouted at me.

“Dad stop what are you doing” I pleaded with him

He dropped the knife but continued to hold my mother.

“Casey call the police now” My mother shouted with all of her power

I ran for the phone and hid behind a short wall that separated me from their room.

“911 what’s your emergency” the operator announced

“Please help my dad is going to kill her please god help her” I yelled into the phone

“Ok sweetie please try and stay calm, do you know your address” she tried her best to stay monotone

“Yes 333 leman street. Please he’s gonna kill my mom” I cried

“Ok honey stay on the phone with me the police are on their way” her voice now hurried and sympathetic

I couldn’t breathe I looked back to see if the fight was still happening and it had gotten worse. My life flashed before my eyes but I had to pull I together. As much as hated Angie I didn’t want her to die and I didn’t want my dad to go to jail. I grabbed the knife that had been kicked away during their struggle and ran down the stairs.

Ashley and Brittany screamed at the sight and before I could even explain our door was kicked in.

“Police! Drop your weapon” they screamed guns drawn and in my face.

I dropped the knife and did my best to explain what was happening a female officer helped me to my feet and to the couch.

“Go! Go! Go!” They shouted as they barreled through my house and up the stairs to separate my fighting parents.

The world had gone quiet. The numbness took control and by the time the world had caught back up to me I saw my father being escorted out of our house in handcuffs.

“Daddy! Dad! Dad! What happened!?” He shouted my voice hoarse. My throat was on fire. And when I looked at my mother slowly following down the stairs she was wearing a shit eating grin.

“Yeah you piece of shit go rot in jail” she yelled at him

“Ma’am please stop engaging with him” the same female officer pleaded with her

She laughed and went back upstairs.

The officer came over to me

“Hey sweetheart, I’m gonna ask you a few questions but you do not have to answer them right now, ok” her face full of fear and worry. It’s like she knew I had seen more than any child should have.

“Are you okay? What’s your name? What grade are you in” she continued on for what seemed like forever and I couldn’t break the trance I was in.

Until I heard the cries of my baby brother and sister and snapped out of it I ran up the stairs to comfort them and tell them it was all okay and I’m right there.

The officer was right behind me followed by her coworker.

“Hey can you make sure those other girls get back home safe.” She asked

He nodded his head and did what was told.

At this moment I didn’t care about anything else just Izzy and Bryson.

“Oh wow look at this pretty baby doll” the officer said as she picked up Izzy’s toy

“Ya know I have daughter the same age as you” she said trying to make small talk to distract us from the environment we were now consumed by.

“Really? Can I play with her. My sister didn’t want me at her party?” Izzy said completely unaware of what had just transpired

“That sounds like a fun time” she responded

The small talk continued while I changed Bryson’s diaper and made sure he wasn’t hungry.

It seemed as hours had come and gone before I could get to sleep.

This was my life. My dad tried to kill my mom. I think. And my mom seemed happy about it.

I laid down on my pillow and wept uncontrollably the tears like flames running down my cheeks. The never ends thought pouring into me. The secrets of my family that I’ve kept locked away. The key was my voice that I made small and insignificant. The God I worshipped and prayed to watching me fall apart. How much longer did I need to stay strong? How much long until I could just be.