1. Zombies and Axolotls

Axolotls are pretty fun animals. They can live both in water and on land, they look nothing like other animals, and honestly, they are just the most adorable little creatures!

I can relate to axolotls. They are fucking weird. Nothing like the other beings around them.

It was not always like this that I thought about axolotls as my spirit animals. Quite frankly, it was only five minutes ago that this change occurred, when I found myself conscious after what would have been a deadly incident.

I used to be a hobby fencer. I thought swords were cool, so I joined a club. Safe to say, I was the worst in the entire group, but still, I had lots of fun. Anyways, it just happened that one day, this day, that one entitled rich kid who loved to brag about how his dad would buy anything and then belittle me for being broke, was defeated by me in a fair duel.

How did I do that? Pure luck. But I hated his guts, so I pretended it was all skills. Git gud, dumbass!

So, fast forward a few seconds and he punched me in the back of my head as revenge. Turns out, he hit me just right to end my lackluster fencing career in an instant. And maybe even my life.

However, instead of being turned into a celestial star or meeting some middle eastern hippy above the clouds, I found myself in the middle of a forest. I was lying on the ground. The cold grass touched my naked back. I shivered, then stood up.

The forest felt like a living painting. Butterflies played around the trunks of the towering trees. A pair of small foxes ran from one bush to another. The sky was ocean blue, and the quality of the air... simply spectacular.

I walked down a random path. There were no indicators for my surroundings, so I chose to head towards a mountain in the distance.

If this is truly the afterlife, it looks way better than whatever they taught at school. It’s like I fell into a Bob Ross painting. The gentle breeze rattling the leaves reminded me of his voice.

As I was thinking of that, I shivered again. I was cold. And as I looked down, I realized the reason for that: my clothes had disappeared.

“What?!” I recoiled, then immediately covered my nuts.

This scenery was all good and fine, but I always hated the nude aspect of heaven. Sure, the big godly books might say it is humanity’s fault for straying away from their once-nude existence. However, those preaches only work for those who have nothing to hide or are perverts themselves. And while I might meet the last criteria, there is no way I’m showing anyone my balls.

Further down the line, I see a stir in the bush. A human head pops out of it, young and feminine, with long hair, facing the other direction.

As I approach the stranger, the sides of my lips churn into a relieved smile. She seems naked too, which is also a relief.

“Hey!” I yell, but not too loud to startle the stranger, “Did you die too? I was just offed a moment ago, but this place looks dope!”

I ran towards the stranger and reached out my hand. I placed it on her shoulder and gently turned her around. I was prepared for the warm, inviting sight of boobs. But as the girl turned around, what I found was the imprint of a wound left by three large claws, tearing deep below the person’s flesh.

My eyes widened in surprise, even more, once I looked up to meet that gruesome gash and serpent-like tongue where her jaw should have been.

“Woah!” I dodged out of her way as she suddenly tried grabbing me.

The girl, or rather that girl-looking thing stumbled to the ground. Her body crashed with a loud thud, and a number appeared floating out of her body. It was a “-1”, lingering in the air for a moment, then disappearing.

Subsequently, a crimson red line appeared above her head. Inside that line were numbers, and above that line a name.

[ Zombie (Lv. 3) ]
[ 19 / 20 HP ]

It was an indicator of her maximum and remaining health, reminiscent of those found in video games. Her fall must have damaged her by a little, explaining the missing health.

It was strange, unlike anything I have ever seen before. But before I could have pondered it more, the zombie grabbed my leg with one arm and tried to bite into it. I stepped away with a high-pitched scream and kicked the thing in the face.

[ -3 HP, Critical Strike! ]

The thing lunged itself at me again, this time throwing me to the ground. I kicked her repeatedly while trying to crawl backward.

[ -1 HP ] [ -1 HP ] [ -1 HP ]

Her right shoulder broke off under the repeated assault, but the zombie remained seemingly unphased. She crawled towards me, now with one arm, leaving the other behind.

I managed to stand up and distance myself from the thing. Cold sweat coated my face. My heart beat rapidly while I tried to catch my breath.

The bushes around me began to stir. I quickly looked around and saw other gruesomely disfigured zombies. My cries must have attracted them.

I found myself shocked; my body unable to move. Like gazing into the eyes of Medusa, I turned into stone. Only my chest moved, rapidly raising and descending at the sight.

“This is the end,” I thought, “If this was my second chance, I blew it like a premature load.”

This pathetic existence was so unbelievable, I slapped my hand against my forehead. And laughed.

“What a fucking joke!” I screamed. “You think I’m just going to hang around and accept this? Even if you tear my limbs off, even if you bite off my balls, I won’t accept this fate! No!”

I raised my fists before myself, replicating what I thought a boxer might do.

“If you want a piece of this meat, then you got to earn it! And I won’t be going down without a fight!”

At that moment, as if an angel sent by god, a horse broke through the thick behind me. A spear-holding woman rode its back, like a Valkyrie, a battle angel. She plunged her weapon into the nearest zombie’s mouth and tore off its upper head. Dark, rotten blood spurred out its neck like a fountain, falling forward and coating my naked body.

More horses and fighters charged through the dense flora and attacked the monsters before me. Their attacks were deadly, yet light, like sweeping the floor. Never have I thought I would find grace in something so lethal, yet I found myself unable to look away from their almost theatrical display.

The zombies were cut down in a short amount of time. As the last one was struck down, their leader, a young blonde woman, got off her horse and stopped just a few steps away. Immediately, I rushed to her with an amused smile.

“That was awesome!” I yelled while gesturing with my hands. “I thought I was a goner, but then you appeared like some movie protagonist straight out of a high-budget fantasy film! Like... uh... I don’t remember any examples, but you know what I mean, right?”

She looked at me for a moment, then returned her head to stare at something. But there was nothing in her direction. I looked around and all the other warriors were following her example.

Just staring. Into nothingness.

It was both eerie and awkward. Like you just said a joke you thought was funny, but it was so bad, that everyone fell silent at the party.

Nope, not having any of that. I scratched the back of my head and awkwardly spoke. “I think I should go now, find some safer place...”

Suddenly, as if something had just activated inside her, the woman’s eyes returned to life. She looked at me and spoke.

“If you’re looking for a safe place, I recommend you visit Nightwood, up north!”

“U-Uh, thanks...” I muttered, then turned around to skedaddle, when something occurred to me. Something very strange.

When I faced her again, the woman was already back to staring. Some of the other warriors began to tamper with the dead, however, the way they moved was almost like they were mimicking each other.

I looked at the leader of the warriors. This thought was too extreme to be real, but there was also a small part of me that feared it might be the truth.

“Excuse me,” I addressed her, “Did you just say... Nightwood?”

The woman, much like before, turned to me and spoke with the same voice.

“If you’re looking for a safe place, I recommend you visit Nightwood, up north!”

I recoiled. So, it was true.

I was not in the afterlife but trapped in a game.