Coaster Bozo

The office walls were lined with the covers of the Grand 50- the fifty highest-selling issues Tough Boys Comics had ever produced. All of them now decades old, not a single one came from Coaster Bozo’s time as CEO.

The short and stout self-appointed park mascot and face of the brand itself spun in his chair like a record. The grease on his costume from his meal that day did little to worsen the already repulsive design, as the spandex hugged his aging body in all the worst ways possible. He scratched the hair on his chin, looking up at the successes of his progenitors, squinting his eyes as hard as he could.

Was there something he was missing? He didn’t understand.

Without warning, sixteen board members corralled through the office door, taking their seats in moments as they laid out everything they’d been asked to bring that day- namely, issues #0-237 of Coaster Bozo’s self-titled, self-starring comic series.

Once his marketing staff was situated, Coaster spun one final time to face them.

“A fine-“

He choked, cleared his throat, and swallowed, before starting again.

“A fine day to my loyal cabinet of heroes. I’m sure you all know why I’ve brought you here today.”

Silence from the jury.

“…Well, no, sir, we’re not all that sure.” An especially nerdy employee broke the silence. “Is it… about cancelling the comic?”

Bozo slapped his fist on the table, having to lean in so he could extend his stubby right arm as far it could go to do so.

“ARE YOU TRYING TO PUT MY COMPANY IN THE HANDS OF RECIEVERS? THIS IS A MEETING TO MAKE MONEY, NOT THROW IT AWAY!”

The especially nerdy employee gulped, seizing his tongue to shut up as quickly as he could, before realizing he really ought to respond in a situation like this.

“Well… no, sir, it’s just… sales have been particularly poor lately… not to say they’ve ever… been much else.”

Bozo practically growled.

Curling up into a little man-ball, he coiled up in his round chair like a hedgehog before exploding out in another yell.

“Unacceptable… COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE! IF WE DON’T SELL MY COMIC, HOW ARE WE EVER SUPPOSED TO SPREAD OUR WINGS OUTSIDE OF THIS CHEESEBURGER PARADISE?”

“Sir, with all due respect, your comic is hindering us more than anything else.” An especially attractive employee chimed in. “In all it’s years, from BNG to NGP, The Golden Age of Comics to today’s Post-Postmodern landscape, the theme parks of Tough Boys Comics have never once left the states. If anything, I consider it our one ultimate limitation.”

“Why must it be that way?” Coaster pleaded. “This company is responsible for so many comic book icons! And our rides, if I do say so myself, are the crème de la cream of classic-style engineering!”

“That’s just the thing.” The dreamy employee stated firmly. “Not only are those “comic book icons” of ours far more popular in the states than anywhere else, but you’ve essentially replaced them all with a caricature of yourself. And that’s not mentioning the obvious. I do certainly agree that our “classic-style” rides are top of the line, at least in the bigger areas of the parks, but old world engineering doesn’t necessarily appeal to foreign countries like Japan who have since abandoned it for all sorts of experimental tech.”

“Why… I… I…” Mr. Bozo grumbled, tightening in his seat. “I can’t stand for this! Admit it- the reason this company is failing is because the people just don’t like me!”

“We… aren’t denying that, sir…” a normally timid employee spoke up. “Sales are down, interest in the property is low… there’s no avoiding it. Nobody reads Coaster Bozo. I fear that the character- no offense to you personally, or course, sir- just doesn’t appeal to today’s audiences.”

Coaster Bozo sat straight up in his chair, wide eyes full of both fear and conviction.

“I can’t let this stand… It’s about time I stopped breaking even and took matters into my own hands!”

The CEO hopped off his throne, stepping hastily to the beat of a nervous ticking growing in his head.

“Everyone, to the balcony! Let us look upon our citizens ourselves… and discover the reason for their betrayal!”