Bathroom Issues

“Ugh…”

I opened my eyes, feeling all clammy and gross. The room was warm, and there was a pile of blankets on me.

I realized that I was laying face down, and the thing holding me down wasn’t the pile of blankets, but ropes tying me to the bed.

“Whoa, what the fuck…?!” I moved, and something attached to me moved as well. I craned my neck to look and saw…

Some…extra appendages on my back. It was a sick joke, like someone photoshopped two pieces of chicken wings onto my back and made the color match my skin.

“Ah, nii-nii is awake…”

Here comes the voice from hell. Akame carried a bucket along with a towel.

“Nii-nii is uncomfortable, so I will help! It’s my duty…” She stuck out her long tongue, and it felt like I was being licked by a dog. Then, something hit me in the head.

“Oh no! My hand slipped and the pan went flying! Did anybody get hurt?!”

“Nii-nii! Nii-niii blacked out again!”

What the fuck is wrong with this world…?

……….

It was evening when I came to. There were noises coming from the bathroom, and it woke me. I wasn’t tied up, and the chicken wings stuck to my back were gone.

“Was it just a dream…?”

Then how did I get this bump on my head? No doubt, it’s from Kaname-san’s frying pan. I glanced at the hand that Akame licked. The skin was considerably smoother than the rest of my arm.

“Good evening, son. Skipping school again.” Dad entered the room. “Look who’s here.”

“Hi, Yuuya!” Tsutomu waved.

“I asked him not to come, but he insisted.” Izayoi Shou sighed. “I brought today’s homework and lessons, Kazakiri-san.”

Izayoi placed a stack of paper on my desk. Her nose twitched.

“I can smell blood. Did you get injured?”

I had no idea how to reply.

“His dog gave birth yesterday so the whole room was bloodied. The dog is at the vet.” Dad said. Izayoi’s brow twitched, but she said nothing to the ridiculous story. We have no dog, and she knew that. Moreover, why would a dog give birth in my fucking bedroom?

“Are you two staying for dinner?” Kaname-san’s sweet voice came from the bathroom. She then entered, and there was a dark stain at the corner of her mouth.

“Aww, Kana-chan, wipe your mouth properly! Don’t wanna embarrass Yuuya in front of his friends, do you?” Dad pushed her back gently.

“Oh, my! How unsightly of me! I’ve been enjoying the chocolate cake too much, it seems. Pardon me.” She giggled and left. Tsutomu knelt down beside my bed and whispered.

“Is that your stepmom? Gosh, she’s beautiful.”

“She’s not my mom in any way, shape, or form.”

He sighed.

“You’re too much of a mama’s boy, my friend. At this rate, you’re just going to make it awkward for everyone in the house, including yourself.” He got up. “Hey, Seiya-weeb.”

“My name is Izayoi Shou. I am not a weeb but a Saint.”

“Wanna stay here for dinner?”

“You want an excuse to check his stepmom out, you creep.”

“Hey, you don’t have to put it that way!”

“Oh, so I was right.”

“A teensy bit only, okay?! I just don’t want it to get awkward with Yuuya and his stepmom. Maybe we could help by being here.”

These two…

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Kaname-san reappeared, having cleaned her face. Was it really chocolate? “I have some coupons for the bathhouse. My daughter works there, and our bathroom is running into problems, so if it is not too much trouble, could you take Yuuya-kun to the bathhouse? Akame requested it as an apology for the things she did to Yuuya-kun. She means well.”

Really? I cocked my head to one side.

“She wiped you, gave you water, and she asked me to change your clothes.” Dad said. “She didn’t do anything creepy, that’s for sure. Maybe it’s time you forgive her.”

Did I really have a choice?

Akame was raised by this…eccentric woman. She’s young. She could change, and she could learn what a normal household should look like. Plus, she’s trying to make it up to me.

Fine.

“I’ll make dinner, then. Kaname-san…”

“Okay.”

She understood my request. I got up and went to the kitchen.

“Let me help!”

“Please, you need rest.”

Tsutomu and Izayoi tried to keep me out, but I made dinner anyway. After the meal, the three of us headed to the bathhouse.

………….

“You told the kids it was chocolate. Good call.”

Daiya and Kaname stood in the bathroom, stained ceiling to floor with blood. It was as if a serial killer graced them with a visit last night.

“Yuuya-kun bled a waterfall last night. Good thing we managed to clean his bedroom, but that means we had no time to clean the bathroom. If anyone sees this…”

“Thank you and Akame both. Man, it’s so good to have two Akaname in the house.”

“I am honored, Daiya-san.”

Kaname stuck out her long tongue and licked the tub, while Akame chewed on it like a bone. After cleaning, the tub looked brand new.

“Luckily, Yuuya-kun did not have carpets in his room. We would have to burn them if they get stained.”

As Kaname spoke, her expression was that of someone enjoying a lavish meal.

“Can I ask you a serious question? Does filth actually taste good?” Daiya crossed his arms, not shaken by the sight of his new wife kissing the bathroom floor.

“To us Akaname, regular food tastes like soap, paper, or car tires. We eat it so that we can blend in with regular people. Filth, on the other hand…”

“I like the taste of Nii-nii’s sweat.” Akame said.

“Really. A human like me can never hope to understand that, huh?”

“We are glad to be in the house nonetheless, Daiya-san.” She got up. “Right, Akame, you have a shift today. Leave the cleaning to mama and get ready for your work.”

“Okay!”

Akame got out of the tub and went to her room. She changed into pink rabbit hoodies, grabbed her carrot bag, and left the house.