Withdrawn and Introspective

What is wrong with me? Is it me? Why can't I be normal? These are thoughts that always are in the back of my mind. As the world around me keeps on changing, these thoughts just get more and more intrusive.

"Sooooo... we have an announcement... we're dating!!!" Gabby says as she pulls Rachel closer, derailing my introspective thinking. "Actually, we've been dating for the last few months..." My eyes widen with this revelation, but as I look around, no one seems shocked.

"Took you guys long enough." Ming dryly remarks.

"Yeah...congrats." Hannah halfheartedly says while scrolling endlessly through her phone.

Everyone goes back to their usual café antics. Everyone except for me of course. 

HUH? When did they go from just friends to girlfriends? How did everyone seem to know but me? 

My confusion was probably very evident since my friend from high school Sarah ever so kindly remarked "So, you really didn't know? See I told you Rachel, it wasn't that big of a secret."

I don't get it, when does a friend become a partner? They didn't act any different, did they? My thoughts begin racing, trying to see if they ever acted different. I must have been at this for a while because when I stopped thinking I was already in my dorm.

"...or? ...ylor? Hey Taylor?? You there???" 

The one bringing me mind back to focus is my childhood best friend, Jenna. Out of everyone here sitting with me, I would say I have what I think is the best emotional attachment to her. She has been one of the constants in my life. Over my life, friends have come and gone, never once have I felt bad for this fact, maybe if I lost Jenna as a friend that statement would change.  She is also the one who doesn't get annoyed with my many shortcomings as a human.

"So, did you know they were dating? Gabby and *whispers* what was her name again?"

"Gabby and Rachel? Yeah, I mean I am more surprised you didn't. That is what I would say if I didn't already go through this exact thing with you multiple times. You really do not pick up on these things do you?"

"I mean how do you even think they were more than friends? They held hands, were always together laughing, I never saw them do stuff we didn't already do. We aren't dating so why would I think they are dating?"

Jenna doesn't answer my question and instead just shows me a wow you really are too oblivious look I am all too familiar with.

"Hey Jenna, do you love anyone right now?"

"*pffft* Where is that coming from?"

"I am just curious about love again."

"I do think I can say I do have someone, I've had someone for a while now. Why do you want me to teach you about love?"

"WILL YOU?!?!" I say grabbing her hands, my eyes most assuredly beamed with excitement.

"No." She says throwing a pillow at me and laying down, phone in hand, putting her noise-cancelling headphones on.

Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, I am Taylor, the one with said thoughts. I never have been good at picking up on social cues, actually I am utterly awful at it. I have a notorious reputation due to this among other reasons like how I do not focus, how I overthink the simplest things. I have gotten a reputation as someone who is dense, insensitive, blunt and emotionless . 

I am not intentionally these things, I wish I got social cues, knew what people wanted to hear and knew how to word things properly. The thing I wish most though was the emotion part. With my world constantly changing, people coming in and out of my life, is it normal for me to feel nothing? With how emotional my sisters are, I probably seem weird. My parents always thanked me for being so easy to take care of. Would I still have been easy if I was more open with my thought process? 

Since I was so easy, I never got the attention from my parents, I was the one they left alone. Maybe if I was more like my sisters I would feel like I was a part of my own family

Elementary School was probably my favorite time socially, because this was when everything was fun. There were no relationship problems, I could say anything and be chalked up to being a kid. I also could hang out with boys without things getting complicated. 

This is the one emotion I am confident is true to me. I miss those days. I miss having fun