The Forty Sixth Peeking

My gaze drifted forty five times to her general face features in the three minutes we walked together towards the joining ceremony that is going to take place in the gym. She just babbles about everyday life, yet her voice tone, body language, facial expressions are astonishingly strengthenes the subject however tedious that is. Her vivacity is so blinding and contagious that I find myself smiling. Realizing the unexpected strain on my cheeks, I activate force-stop protocol. I don't know why I'm so compelled to hide my emotions... This might be the side effect known as the rhapsody of reunion, this is an allurement I have felt for her. Sometimes I forget I am a full-fleshed, healthy male adolescent myself. But, I'm a professional first, a youngster second. I click my tongue, and as if nothing happened, turn my vision forward poker faced. Leaving my one-third of my concentration on hearing her -for I have a respect policy; if someone offers their own-precious time for me, at least I have to repay it with my ear -I reserve the other two-third to the thinking department.

I have a general grasp of the situation.

She still has tomboyish tendencies, that's check.

She is a childhood friend, that's correct.

She is still to a degree an airhead, but I'm not sure about that for a reason that needs to be confirmed. We can call it half-airheaded.

Let alone having a tomboy acquaintance is already on the rare part considering the personality chart, she is also my childhood friend, and a half-airhead... Those two and half feats make the girl I'm walking with on the same wavelength as an endangered rhinoceros. An SSS rank waifu what my fellow male colleagues would call. I have literally no explanation other than I'm a literal chosen one at this point.

I lower my eyelids, focus, gather the air to my lungs, feel it entirely and exhale, opening my eyes back. I slowly turn my head to take my forty sixth peeking session. What welcomes me wavers my pristine emotion hiding mode, I even hear the fracture in my chest; my eyes get wider and lips part open.

She was staring at me,

all this time.

I have to say this, but what fascinated me the most is not the fact that she keeps her tone of voice and never deviates from the subject, but the way she gazes in sympathy, or some yearning with those luminous amber pairs, the way her lips alter as if they are making calligraphy with voice, the way she puts a smile on her face every time her lips meet again.

This is one of the moments where 99.99+% of male’s maidenly hearts can’t resist having at least a crush on her considering it happens in normal circumstances, and a little more than 50% would fall directly and can't concentrate on anything for a solid month, 20+% would fall madly and have love sickness, around 7% can’t think of another girl for entirety of the high school years, and lastly the less than 1%... they are doomed to never get another girlfriend. Equal or stronger phenomenon is needed to break the dark fate, and I’m afraid that only applies in romance mangas. That would be a once in a lifetime in the sample of ten thousand people, so I can heave a sigh of relief. For a coming decade nobody will be cursed in this school. I'm glad I'm the one who experienced this potential catastrophe. If someone came to me for a cure, my career would have finished even without starting. I could even die, thinking about the suffering of my fellow colleague! These all are facts, I’m not joking, I mean, not entirely. A man’s heart is more delicate than one’s thinking and can be achieved or shattered completely as easily. I need to create the LAC asap.

When I said whether I’m not sure about her airheadedness, it was because of that very theater she played. She might be a quarter or half-airhead but her understanding of the situation, acute knowledge of common sense is on par with mine, if not, above mine.

This girl... as if we weren't apart for more than three years, she acts like nothing happened. I close my eyes back, lifting both mouth sides, tilting my head slightly.

"Aren't you gonna say anything?" She says, finally altering the subject.

I turn over to face her, “I know you understand but for future reference I need to be sure that it is said. Don’t look at someone like that if you are not interested in that person.”

She looks at me for a moment then pouts and turns her face away from mine crossing her arms together, my brows raise in surprise. Wait… did that wait supposed to mean she needed time to process the meaning of my speech?

Anyway. I’m aware of the meaning behind her question. She wants me to question her about her current circumstance, the three plus years gap, how, why she is here. Of course, I seek for answers but won’t enforce my selfishness on her. I don’t know if I might hurt her feelings, bring bad memories to the surface. I know, if she wants me to do that, she should be comfortable talking about it… but you may actually never know. Looking at her, I couldn’t pierce what she truly desired. Yes, that’s correct. Breaking my oath, I used all of my cognitive skills and it meant literally nothing. I remember now; I could never understand her true feelings. Is that the reason why I could be friends with her in the first place? Wait… that’s actually a pretty depressing realization, now...

Her existence and approach to me means worlds, but somehow I feel like I can’t say that to her without melting my face. I realize once again, she has a different place in my life, and once again I won’t tell her that. How did I manage to continue without her? That’s life, I guess. I’m a future professional psychologist, and I can’t see myself ever give in to sorrow. Having an unshakable mentality was written in my creation guides before my birth. To help fellow colleagues in need, I’m born into this world.

It’s the second time I am smiling to myself as if I am some kind of messiah that is enlightened.

I order my legs to stop. I have an epiphany. She looks over her shoulder after few steps, when I’m certain her focus is on me, I speak the unspeakable,

“Hana, I can’t express the elation I’m actually experiencing right now. To see your face, hear your voice is irreplaceable. I’m glad you are my friend, and I honestly feel blessed. Welcome back.”

Yes. I said all of that. Before I said it aloud I recited the words in my head a couple of times. I did that. And, I need the coldest water splash to my face right now. No, I need to dank my whole face into a bucket of iced water. Imagining it cools me down. Now, I really need it.

Threatened to fall back, I snap back to reality. She embraces me genuinely, I vividly can feel her soothing bodily warmth. Her holding strength might actually surpass mine. I’m a disappointment as a male, I’m sorry my fellow brothers. But, I’m okay losing to her, I guess. I return her action, rolling my arms around back. She rubs her forehead on my lower shoulder.

“I’m home, ehehe.”

The attention we are getting is obvious, and alarming. She doesn’t see it, because she might be thinking of sleeping on my chest right now, but my eyes already met with a few dozen fellow colleagues. And their reactions vary for respectable genders… while boys are diverse, and rich in reaction quality, girls just mostly look totally embarrassed, full eyed, or turn their gaze immediately for the same reason. I sigh. While this little intimacy doesn’t take a reaction out of me, this is a high school. And people are staring, and it will be just a moment before a teacher shows up. I can’t take the risk to start on negative affinity. But… how I’m supposed to do that is unbeknownst to me. The girl doesn’t have the slightest will to break free, and… I’m helpless on her cutesy.

“Hey, you are not planning to sleep standing like that, right?” To my obvious joke, she chuckles and I’m left for wonderment to her coming answer.

“You will be amazed.”

“Ah… Well, I know I will. But I’m standing as well, you won’t be amazed, I’m sure.”

“True.” She breaks free, and broadly smiles at me.

“Is that allowed?” I say, pointing out her half cut trousers.

She thinks a bit before answering. “I don’t think so, ehehe.”

I thought so. “Still not really a rule person?”

She just shrugs as I expected, and I ask what’s been in my mind,

“Would you consider joining my work in progress club? And, no, that’s not the name of the club.”