Reminiscence(2)

It was around when I was a senior in Junior High when I realized I was not normal. This was also the last time I would hang out with friends outside of school. Since this is when relationships started becoming an everyday topic with my friends, I gradually got less and less involved. Since I was so uncomfortable with these relationship talks, I found myself slowly hanging out with more and more guys. It was normal for girls and guys to hang out in Elementary School so why should it be different now in Junior High?

"Look at her, she's with a different guy every period. She's always so touchy with them too!"

Why can I be touchy with girls and it's perfectly normal but not normal with guy friends?

"I never see her hang out with her old group anymore. You think she just used them?"

"She think's just because she's not ugly she can openly flirt with so many guys."

I am not flirting! I don't have any feelings for them!

"What a slut. How many do you think she's had already? I heard it was over 4 already." 

"Really? I heard she sucked someone's dick in the boys bathroom right next to the cafeteria."

Slowly, I gained this reputation of being a whore, this is when I started having horrendous social anxiety. I never could speak well enough or loud enough for people to believe me and listen to me

"LOOK AT HOW RED HER FACE IS! SHE IS SO EMBARASSED IT HAS TO BE TRUE!"

I found myself spending more and more time away from the classes, between the horrible looks I get from the girls, the gross looks I get from the guys and the disappointed looks I get from the adults.

Whether it was hiding in the bathrooms or the nurse's office, as long as I didn't feel those eyes on me, I was fine. If anything the only thing that bothers me about this situation is where did all of this even come from? When did it become taboo to hang out with guys? Why won't even the adults help me?

After a few months of this, I was alone. I didn't really have a problem with this because I never really felt alone. Through all of this, there were just 2 people who stayed by my side. Jenna, who didn't get into the advanced classes so we hardly meet outside of walking home together. 

The other person who stuck with me was my study partner Zach. Was he my friend? I don't know, nor do I care. While I said I never cared about being alone, I would be lying to say it didn't feel good to be relied on. Was he using me? Most likely, he had by far the worst work ethic in all of the advanced classes, but I enjoyed being someone that someone needed.

We would study in the school library after school every other day. I know it might sound weird, but I think this is only the second time I have ever had any feeling towards a person. I enjoyed being around them, it made the constant judging looks, horrible words and awful actions throughout a normal school day a little more bearable. 

I guess we had a symbiotic relationship, he needed me to pass the class. I needed a Jenna stand-in. It was beneficial for both of us, this is how relationships should be with people. Relationships with people, romantic or not, just complicate things later on. Keep everyone an arms length away so you can cut them out before anything happens. I wish I came to this conclusion before I became a slut in the eyes of the school.

Human relationships are hard...