Fancy Cafè

There I was, sitting among fancy looking people, probably nobles, in a kind of bourgeois cafè. Not my cup of tea, or “coffee” should I say?

You might ask how I got into this crisis so here’s how it went…

A few moments earlier

«I was waiting for you» says the little kid.

Scammer? Pickpocketer? The little ones that act like old men are always the stronger, maybe he’s some sort of overpowered dragon, this could be dangerous.

I make an attempt at fleeing but my body isn’t keen on moving for some reason.

«You are fearless in the front of Lady Ariccia but when you see a little kid you become a little wuss?» continues the hobbit-like human.

«Who’s that?»

«The giant monster that was trying to kill you»

«Oh yeah, that thing, but how do you know that?»

«How could I not! I was waiting for you. Come on, we don’t have time, we have to win a be-» he cough then continues «We have to save the world!»

«What do you mean bet? Did you bet on the destruction of this world!?»

«It’s just semantics, nothing to worry about, you just gotta do you job»

«I didn’t sign up for this!»

«Not yet»

«What?» I say with a shocked face.

«What?» He says without a care in the world.

«I’m not signing anything without my lawyer!»

«Unfortunately we can’t summon people from your world that easily»

I don’t even have one. I was sure he would have left me alone with the last one

I was still stuck in a truly magical, truly fair, truly wonderful invisible prison. The more time passed the more I was getting annoyed, sitting completely still is not my style and I was not really in the mood to deal with that dwarf. I also hope we’re done here since I have about zero pejorative ways left to describe little people.

«Calm down. Let’s talk it out in front of a good coffee» he proposes after a short pause.

I nod defeated.

There was nothing left to do. I couldn’t oppose him.

«Is that Cafè over there fine and dandy with you?» says the shorty pointing at a fancily decorated building adjacent to the little square we were in.

Was that there before?

To be precise, the square was not actually square, it was round, like a roundabout, but a square, like one of those fancy theme mall where a shirt costs as much as newly released AAA game on the latest console.

I didn’t mention much about the topography of the city because I didn’t spend a lot of time there nor I had much interest in it nor it looks any different than any old European settlement.

Most of the building were made out of wood, the paint was probably poisonous and they were not particularly well-maintained either. A river ran through the city, dirty and polluted like any body of water that cross a big city, just with an added spicy mana-based pollution. You have no idea what was found there. Don’t ask.

The water was usually drawn from a well, the water distribution was controller by the state, or Kingdom I should say; the pee and the poo were thrown into the river, because hygene is a suggestion. Some people used fancy magic-based filters to drink from the watercourse, too bad they didn’t have the notion of microorganisms so the whole deal was basically a coin toss between cholera and mild diarrhea. Not to mention about the lead pipes, terrible.

Good thing I had immunity.

This poor excuse of a town was the capital by the way.

Granted, the political capital, not the biggest city.

It’s not so rare as you may think, even in my original world the capital of Italy was Turin before capturing Rome during the wars of independence, similar stuff with Japan where they changed the capital to Tokyo from Kyoto following the Meiji Restoration.

Also, nobody outside of Australia knew that the capital wasn’t Sydney, which is funny.

«Do I even have a choice?» I reply sarcastically to the tiny man.

«I believe you don’t» he replies with a fairly punchable smug face.

I’ll muder him in his sleep when I get a chance.

We enter the garish Cafè and a butler shows us to our table, the teeny boy apparently made a reservation, such a luxurious place must have a book worth of waiting list and yet he got us in very easily.

At least the maids are nice.

Don’t get too excited, they were dressed as any old Anime-styled maid, fancy by that world standard but normal for me.

No, I’m not a pervert, I was just relieved to see such a familiar sight, shut up.

I wonder how evolved they are… There is some kind of artificial lighting but that’s pretty much it. Do they have magical guns? They would be totally cool.

We get to our table then they hand us some peculiar menu, you know a place is expensive when they don’t even bother mentioning the prices.

Why the hell are parfaits served in another world, who even eats them, they’re just anime eye-candy.

Yes, I ate a parfait that day, very pink very fruity but with black coffee since too much sugar becomes a disgusting meal if not properly balanced. I have no idea how people can eat sweet food all day and then be fine.

«Are you happy now?» I ask Mr.“I made a reservation for two months ago even if I just met you today”.

«Very much»

«Good. Now, can I have the control of my body back? I have to pee»

«Maybe later»

Is he a teacher perhaps?

«Can you do what you have to do so I can get out of this theme park?»

«No need to rush. You have to sign the contract first.»

«Can I not?»

«If you want to become a slave it’s fine by me»

«At least let me read it»

«Here you go» he says proudly while handing me a binder full of documents.

I can’t even read it.

It was written in some strange rune-like alphabet that I obviously couldn’t possibly read and he knew. That’s how you get scammed.

The documents were written in an angelic common language, angelic as “paradise dwellers” and not actual angels, even if some were the real deal. Nobody on earth could read it, at least no one that only lived on that planet.

I sigh in defeat and sign the papers, a whole 27 gaps were to be filled.

They could at least have given me a better pen, fountain pens are such an hassle. The black ink is fine though, good quality and it’s the only sensible choice for a legal document.

«Done. Now tell me which way I’m gonna die» I ask the little scammer.

«You’re going to live an happy and meaningful life, I can guarantee you» he says with an happy expression.

«I don’t even know your name, your assurance means nothing»

The little guy takes off his shady hood to reveal a pretty face, blue eyes and blonde hair.

«My name is Kupimor, the heavenly minister of love»

A faint sound of trumpets can be heard from all over the room, the air suddenly feels heavy…