Chapter 3:
The Villainess is just a cutie
A god.
A lesser god to be precise.
Do you want to know how to distinguish between more or less powerful entities? It is pretty simple after all. A lesser god would never, ever, admit to being a minor god. You will recognise when someone is a big shot, they do be absolutely arrogant about their position; divine beings act like childrens most of the time, some of them probably also are infants.
There are exceptions too. Kupimor was not one of those.
A civil servant of Heaven? Or an elected official?
«Why the trumpets though?» I ask him.
«It is the law of heaven to announce an ufficial in a heavenly way» he replies solemnly with a hint of smugness.
«But you’re just a civil servant, it’s not like you’re a king…»
«I represent the king, or queen to be more precise»
«God is a woman?!» I say sarcastically.
«What’s the big deal? There is a plethora of goddesses both here and in paradise»
He didn’t get the reference, maybe he doesn’t know anything about my world?
«Why are gods mixing into the mortal realms?»
«Some of us were born here, it’s only natural that they guard their homes»
«Is there a coffee god?»
«Huh?»
«Sorry, weird thing to ask»
«Stop joking around and let’s get to business»
«I would rush through the quest line if only I was informed of my duties by the quest giver»
«Didn’t you read the contract?»
Is he joking or is he making fun of my illiteracy in forgotten languages?
«Well, I think it’s about time to inform you about your mission anyway» he then continues.
«You think so? I thought the right time was half an hour ago!»
«Your mission is to infiltrate the Royal Academy and approach a target»
Ignored, huh?
«Why though?»
«We have to save the world my boy!»
«Nothing to do with a bet?»
«Well, yes. But that’s not important right now»
«Are you betting on people lives?»
«Yes. You got a problem with that?»
Not really but somehow I feel like that’s not properly ethically correct
«Is that allowed by divine laws?»
«It’s complicated. The goddess said it was okay so we’re doing it»
«This goddess must be quite special, huh?»
«She is quite dumb… She tried to microwave an aluminium foil ball yesterday…»
Do they have microwaves ovens and internet here?
«It must be though dealing with such a person… or being?»
«It’s actually better than other worlds, we can do anything we want without any supervision, some gods even compete on who breaks the most rules in the shortest amount of time»
«What a nice place! When can I leave?» I say with a lingering fear inside me.
«Hold on, you still need to complete your task»
«How long will it take?»
«Your whole life at this pace»
«Speed things up then!»
«Alright, alright. Take this»
Kupimor hands me a TV remote. A whatchamacallit… A relic? An artifact?
A divine artifact!
A relic would imply that the shaky contraption is old and out of production, this one was brand new out of a workshop, it even has the initial of the craftsman engraved and gold plated in the back, angelic runes of course.
«I don’t accept candies from strangers» I reply to his offer.
«Don’t even try to eat that device! It costs a dragon’s eye! Besides, we’re not strangers, I’m your employer now!» he remarks vehemently.
«Why a TV remote anyway? Do you guys have, like, magical TVs here?»
«That’s a magic casting device, you ignorant half-wit!»
«How am I supposed to know!?»
«Read the wiki or something, you noob»
«I don’t have an encyclopedia of this world at hand!»
«I guess it can’t be helped. That thing is magical device that automatically casts spells when you press a button»
«So… a better wand?»
«Not quite. A wand pools mana from the user’s reserve, that remote uses it’s own divine power as the energy pool»
«So… a even better wand?»
«It’s not relevant what you want to call it, just use it»
«Do you have a manual?»
«I lost it. Just press the buttons when you need them»
«But I don’t even know what they do!»
«They help you, it’s not relevant in what way they help you»
«Can they help me get rid of you?»
«Sure, if you don’t mind going to hell in tiny pieces»
«Calm down, I was just joking…»
I was not joking.
«Stop being a clown and go»
«Go where?!»
«At the academy, of course»
«Oh yeah, you mentioned that, but where is it?»
«Look outside of the window»
Outside of the windows there’s just a square and the entrance to a giant palace though.
«I don’t see it»
«You don’t see a giant building? Are you blind? I should have selected a better candidate»
Would I still be alive if he ditches me?
«That palace?»
«Yes, that’s the academy»
I have a bad feeling about this, it’s better to ask and be embarrassed temporarily than to fumble in the dark.
«Who’s the target?» I ask him.
«Lady Elise von Ariccia»
The tentacle lady…
«And what do I have to do exactly?»
«You have to make her fall in love with you, of course»
Is this the infamous bad ending?
I sigh like no tomorrow.
Kupimor seems puzzled as I look disheartened, he must be quite fearless to not give a tinker's damn about a giant tentacle lady.
«Can I refuse?» I ask him.
«No»
«Is she cute at least? She’s not in tentacle form, right?»
«She has yet to be corrupted, I can’t guarantee on her beauty though»
«Fine»
«Ready to go now?»
«Can you at least give me some time to process?»
«Take your time»
I lie down on the table and start processing what just happened.
I have two option now, fight or flight. How do I flee? I don’t know this world and I probably can’t escape a god. Hod do I fight? No idea either. What would I fight anyway? There’s nothing to fight, love is more like diplomacy rather than a brawl.
I start playing with the remote while pondering, I’m trying to feel the buttons when I accidentally press the “Home” key.
The TV Remote starts talking in a female robotic voice:
«Activating spell: /home… Default parameters used as arguments… Casting…»
I feel light.
A magic circle appears under me.
This can’t be good.
In a moment a tunnel appears.
«Wait! Let me finish my parfait at least!» I scream while disappearing…
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