Iva- Taking The Longer Path

I'd woven countless dreams. Things that I'd wished for. Things I'd pictured for myself. Things that were too out of my reach. I yearned for genuine companionship, friends with whom I could share meals and stroll home on clumsy afternoons. Friends who would bring smiles to my face, allowing me to cherish those precious moments indefinitely. And I would never let go of those things… A warm place. Warm people. Yet, I would always ask myself: Were these heartfelt desires merely fragments of my imagination?

How I longed to live in a kinder world, one devoid of unease and dread, where I wouldn't hurt others, nor would anyone hurt me. An existence characterized by kindness, one where paths would intertwine without causing wounds. A kind world. Only if I could take the shorter path to that kind world I wished for, without ever doing anything wrong.

It's been a month since I last visited Noah in the hospital, and a month since he uttered those painful words.

"Iva, I think we should break up."

The weight of his choice had taken root deep within me, an indescribable burden that seemed to gain weight as the days progressed. Since that fateful day when everything fell apart, I hadn't even spoken to Alan. The turmoil inside me remained a chaotic tangle of emotions, refusing to unravel.

Within the confines of our shared classes, fleeting glances of Alan were inevitable, yet I consistently averted my eyes before the possibility of a connection would come. We had been friends since grade school, and he was my first friend after I had arrived in this town. Yet, despite the countless hours we had spent together, it felt as though an immense wall now stood between us. A wall that I had erected on my own, driven by the need to protect both him and myself.

When the recess bell chimed, my attention remained unwaveringly locked onto Alan's figure as he exited the classroom to head to the cafeteria. An inexplicable urge compelled me to approach him once more, as if he held the answers to the questions burdening my heart.

Yet, each time I tried to muster the courage to rise from my seat and take those tentative steps toward him, an invisible force rooted me in place. My heart yearned to bridge the growing distance between us. Nevertheless, determination surged within me, propelling me to stand up and hastily navigate through the corridors. It was the same as that day, when Alan caught hold of me in the hospital staircase.

"Alan," I called out his name. He turned around, surprised.

"Iva? Is everything alright?"

"Um... I wanted to ask you something..."

"What is it?"

"Have you been checking on Noah?" I found my voice and managed to inquire, "How is he doing?"

His response was simple yet resolute. "Yeah, he's doing fine."

"Well, that's a relief..."I let out a slow, steady breath, a silent release of worry. "I'd been concerned about him. I haven't had a chance to speak with him since..."

"You know, you could've just come and meet him."

"Um, yeah... you're right... I'll do that."

How hard I try, the thought still seeped into my consciousness like a gentle current – the fact that I couldn't hide anything from Alan like this. And that I'm causing him undue concern weighed heavily on me. I couldn't shake the nagging thought that my struggles were becoming an invisible shackle, binding his heart into my turmoil. It isn't fair, even if he doesn't feel the same way... but I can't keep on worrying anymore.

Alan continued, a hesitant rhythm settling over his response. "Iva, there's something I need to share too." I was confused at first, but to say the least, I wasn't expecting the least bit to where the conversation was heading off to from here. Nor was I prepared a tiny bit.

"Is it something important?"

"Yeah, something important."

His eyes darted around, seeking refuge in the corners of the room, as if searching for the right words. "Perhaps Noah hasn't told you yet," he continued, locking his gaze with mine. "But he'll be leaving Camden during his senior year of high school."

From my eyes to my head instinctively tilted away from him towards the floor, as if that would make me forget what I heard just now. For an instant, time itself seemed to halt. The world around me blurred as my mind grappled with those words, struggling to process anything else. "What do you mean, Alan... he'll be leaving town..." My hands hung limply by my side, not even a finger twitching. The sudden shock that coursed through my body jolted me to the core. "Did Noah tell you this?"

My heart raced as I turned to face Alan, my gaze locked onto his eyes, searching for any sign that this might be some kind of joke. But his expression carried the same weight as of his words, which held no room for doubt. "Yeah. He was planning to tell you too, but didn't get the chance."

"That's news to me as well. I had no idea he had such plans."

Why didn't I realize this earlier? It felt like a betrayal that left me questioning everything. "Why didn't he tell me earlier? What was he waiting for?"

"I don't know," he replied softly. "I can't say what's the right time for him..."

I shielded my face, avoiding his gaze. I didn't want him to see the tears welling up in my eyes.

"Iva, are you alright?" he asked.

I attempted to offer a simple reassurance, but I realized he was seeking more than just an alright. He could see the maelstrom of emotions coursing through me, and I knew I couldn't hide behind a mask in his presence.

"Why are you asking...?" I asked, my voice breaking in my own vulnerability.

He gently reached out and took hold of both my hands, taking a step closer. "I know I may not be the right person to say this, Iva. Perhaps none of this even matters to you. But I want you to know that I'm here for you too. If you need someone to lean on, someone to vent to about the unfairness of it all, you can always call me. You're my precious friend, Iva."

His words brushed through the fog as if warming my wounded heart. At that moment, I realized that I wasn't alone in this storm. Despite the walls I had built around myself, he stood before me, offering solace and support.

"But I want you to trust in us too, Iva, and let us try our best."

"Thank you, Alan. I'm sorry that I'm always worrying you."

"No, no... It's fine. Worry me all you want. I'm your friend after all."

"That'll do just fine. I'll be alright from here, Alan, thanks."

Maybe at that moment, I wasn't really alright. And Alan could tell that too, I believe. When I think of the pain I can cause someone precious to me, I subconsciously I hide myself from that person. Hide my feelings from that person. I believed that's for the best of us.

I've been avoiding Noah since that day, drowning within that same fear. It was the mask he will put on that nothing had happened, what I had feared the most. I want him to put the blame on me, and not just smile at me like that. But he will never do that. He will keep smiling.

Maybe Alan was right. Maybe there is a part of Noah too about whom I know nothing about. I would always end up hiding myself, always hurting others yet never trying to learn anything about them. After Noah leaves the town, I might never get a chance to see him again. But I don't want that. For the little time we have left, I want to feel that the memories of my time with Noah are enough. And with those memories alone, I want to think that I can get by without anything else. With those memories alone we will able to hold onto our promises, to always be beside each other forever.

But to do that…. at first… I'll need to face my emotions…and find a closure to this cycle of pain. So that I won't lose the will…

To smile with him when we meet again.

That afternoon, I found myself stepping into a quaint flower shop. The delicate fragrance of blooms was refreshing, their vibrant colors the polar opposite to the soberness of my heart. I picked a bouquet and walked to the lady behind the counter.

"Is this for a boy?" she asked, a hint of mischief dancing in her eyes.

A blush crept across my cheeks. "These are for a friend of mine. He is admitted in the hospital."

The lady's smile widened. "Then want to write a note to make him feel better?"

"A note."

"Yeah, with the flowers. It will sure help him get better soon."

I nodded, thinking it as a good opportunity to convey my sentiments tangibly.

With a bouquet in hand, I made my way to the hospital once more. Climbing the stairs, I felt the weight of my emotions resurfacing, threatening to overpower me with each laborious step. It was all coming back to me, like the seeping sunlight of the setting sun, weighing down my steps as if my feet were anchored to the ground. Gasping for breath, I pressed on, determined to reach Noah's room.

But when I finally arrived, I was met with an empty room. While I got busy thinking where he might be, a nurse appeared in the room.

"Are you a relative of the patient?" The nurse asked.

"Um, yeah. His friend. Do you know where he is?"

"He is in the rehab room. Let me take you there, if you want to."

Together, we walked to the rehabilitation area, the sight of Noah coming into view through a pane of glass. On the other side of that pane, he stood holding a metal beam, taking small steps at the time. I could tell just by looking at his face, that he was fighting his own battle against all the pain and adversities. Those little steps one after the other, as he breathed heavily... yet he didn't falter even once.

The nurse continued, almost to herself. "The patient has been putting a lot of effort to get better soon. He said that he wants to go to school as soon as he can with his friends again."

"Is that so," I responded, my words as soft as a whisper grazing the ear. The nurse's gaze shifted towards me, as if a silent exchange passed between us.

The important thing is what I'll be doing after. I can't keep letting myself be cared for.

Alan's right. I can't remain stuck like this, perpetually dependent, forever bound to the care of others. I can't stay like this forever. It's a promise for the gifts of friendship, affection, and strength that had been extended to me, to let them fortify me as I walk a path uniquely my own.

"Would you like to talk to him, miss?"

"No, it's alright. I'll meet him some other day."

Returning to Noah's room, I placed the flowers with care by the window. It was a simple gesture, a wordless reassurance perhaps. At first, I was reluctant to leave behind the message with the flowers too. But after some revolting with myself, I left the message there with the flowers. What he would make of it remained a mystery...

Will he be happy? Joyed? Or will he feel something entirely different?

In this moment, however, my own feelings were clear. Because whatever happens between the two of us doesn't matter right now. I'm just glad that he hasn't lost the will to stand up again. For the person who had always been reaching his hands out to me, in the times I needed the most, and also stood by my side the most... only I could tell now... just how fragile those hands were.

Right now we need time... time for the both of us to get back up again. Till then we can just look at each other from far apart. And when the time comes, I'm sure we will be able to smile again, just like how we used to not so long ago.