Five Flowers of Realization

There was no clear answer as to why I had been eager to return to the flower garden for an entire week. I knew I would meet the eccentric flower girl again, but whether that was the explicit reason was unclear to me.

*You should be feeling dread, right now. This girl's been nothing but bad news for us. Despite only meeting three times, she's been on your mind more than once a day, especially at this spot.*

I ignored any thoughts that crossed my mind. I took my seat, laid the calendar on my lap, and opened the front cover so I could read her name again.
"Why'd you leave this here? Am I meant to be readin' more of your secrets in the back?"

She spoke to me for the first time this week.
"So you can study up on flowers! You like poetry, right? Maybe you can use the meanings in your poems. If you do that, can I read them? Please!"

"I'd rather not do that. Poetry writin' isn't somethin' I do to appease others... I can't even appease myself with them. If you want to read stellar poetry, play Karuta."

"Will you teach me? I should warn you, I'm a fast learner."

"I'd love to teach you, if we met face-to-face. Since we can't, I guess it's off the table."

"Then I'll put it back on the table," she said happily. "Anyways, study those flowers, maybe I can quiz you on their meanings soon. It'll be a fun little game we can play!"

She moved energetically, I could feel it. It was as if she'd saved her energy all week for this moment. I thought about what her friend had told me in regards to listening. If I listened to her words carefully, maybe a deduction could be made about why I was eager to come back here.

*Don't do that,* Swani told me. *Why do you want to know more––*

"Poet-kun?" the girl called. "Is it against the rules for me to pet your hair?"

"Did we ever make any more rules besides not meetin' face-to-face?"
I ran all ten of my fingers through my hair upwards, wondering what she truly meant by saying that.
What's she hopin' to gain by doin' that? What am I hopin' to gain by knowin'?

"So I can do it?"
She was standing up. The top of the hedge ruffled as if she was slightly leaning over it. I doubted her ability to reach my head since I was sitting down, and even slouching. Maybe she could, since I didn't know her height.

"Can I write in your calendar?" I asked. "I think I discovered another secret of yours. You're a hair fetishist."

"Eeh?! Don't say that! I-I just... W-Wait, am I a hair fetishist?"
She sounded like she was having a crisis.

Her reaction sparked a contained chuckle from me.

She sat back down, possible disappointedly, and said,
"I swear I'll pet your hair, but it's not a fetish. Oh, and one day I'll play you at Karuta and win. We should set a date, like your birthday! When's your birthday?"

"It's definitely a fetish when you deny it like that. I'm not tellin' you my birthday."

"How about a game? Find five dates in the book and tell them to me. If I correctly guess the flowers and their most popular meanings, then I win and you have to do something for me."

"Your confidence tells me this is entirely in your favor. What's in it for me if you lose?"

"What would a boy with no friends want? Fufu. Maybe you can pat my head, or maybe you secretly want me to pat your head as well. Don't lie."

"I see no purpose in playin' this game."

"I'll do whatever you want me to do," she said.

I thought about what that could mean.
What would I have her do?

*Isn't it obvious,* said Swani. *We can tell her to stay away, and she'd listen. We have to win if you don't want to be in pain any longer.*

I opened the calendar and surfed the pages. The thought of victory left a bitter taste in my mouth.
"Alrighty, April 10th," I said.

"Easy, white roses. They mean purity, secrecy, and silence."
She was correct.
"It's kinda like what we have together. Maybe we should go out looking for them someday, don't you think?"

I flipped to another page without answering.
"May 26th."

"Ah, green dahlias. Before, they had a religious meaning, but now they simply mean change. Like departure from the norm, or transitioning from inside to out. Easier said than done, really. Maybe looking for those would be fun as well!"

"Easier said than done," I remarked. "Sounds like a lot of work."
Jokin' about goin' out twice for some flowers. Did that mean somethin' deeper, or am I just crazy now?
My inexperience with people for a year had hindered my already-rusty interpretation skills.
"July 14th."

"Ooh, that's a tough one."

*You've stumped her––*

"Just kidding! They're the internationally popular sunflowers! They're known for their meanings with friendship. Wait, did you pick that because you want to be friends with me? I knew it!"

"How did you come to that conclusion?"
I flipped the page towards the front of the book.
"January 8th."

"Ooh, good pick, I like this one. All the colors of the calathea flower represent new beginnings. They're typically for when someone leaves and you wish them luck on their new adventures. Are you kicking me out of the garden? How horrible."

"Don't tempt me."
I had lost hope of winning before she got the first flower. Knowing that she practically won had unconsciously made my upper lip shift upwards. My eyes blinked to the bare shrubs I sat beside, and I flipped the pages until I found the fifth and final flower.
"April 17th."

There was an uncharacteristic quietude on her side of the hedge. I thought maybe I had actually stumped her, but as I read the meaning of the flower, I understood her silence. What she would tell me would be the first time I truly listened to her.

She said as I read,
"A-April 17th, the butterfly weed. 'Leave me alone; rejection of others; and solitude' are their most popular meanings. P-Personally, I-I don't like those meanings."
Her voice had faded into an uncertain titter.

What she said gave me information I had neglected before, but I still needed to decipher it. The air was melancholic, which was something I was used to breathing. However, I felt like it was toxic for her.

To swiftly ventilate it away, I comically sighed and said, "You're a nerd."

"Yay! I won the game!"
Her mood had switched like a lightbulb.
"You have to do what I want now. I want to see you do something funny! Fufu."

There it was again.
I heard a steel container open, and she began taking something out from her schoolbag. Another container opened, I believed it was her of Xanapril. A soft gulping was heard, followed by the closing of the two containers.

"How about you tell me about your anxieties?" she asked. "We can even share my pills, there's still a lot I need to get through before the next refill."

"Surely you know my answer's goin' to be no. Did you just take one right now? Are you goin' to talk about your problems now?"

More rustling was heard on her side. This girl couldn't sit still, it was wonderful how the idea of staying here for three hours was hers and not mine.
"I don't think so, they've pretty much gone away now. I've been studying all week, so now I just want to enjoy the weekend before I enter the hell of next week."

Her voice was low. Not in volume, but in altitude. She must've been laying down, facing the baby-blue sky. If she was lucky, perhaps the white cherry blossoms carried by the minor amount of wind could fall on her face.

I heard a snapping sound on her side of the hedge. It wasn't a finger snap or a twig snap, but more like a hair-tie hitting her palm, though I didn't know what she used.
"Can I bank my victory request for another time? With our current situation, nothing fun comes to mind."

"I'll put an expiration date on it. You have until the summer."

"Is it possible to extend the expiration? I don't want it to spoil before digging in."

"Perhaps an extension is possible. Wait, are we talkin' about food or the request?"

"Fufu."

For the rest of our time together that day, we stayed quiet. I was satisfied, and hoped the girl was too. My mind was empty.

The girl's words spoke the truth, just like her friend said. From the first Monday we met and I learned her secret, to the current Friday where I learned her truth. Her words, her jokes, her seriousness had a commonality.

There was a clear answer as to why I had been eager for an entire week. It became clear to me that meeting with Rossi-san at the garden was the explicit reason. I had made a connection between us using her words and my ears.

All this time, without her realizing, she had been telling me the real truth, by lying to me.

Not only that, but I discovered something else, on my end.

I was lying too.