Noah- Breaking The Forever

It had been an eternity since I strolled beneath the expanse of the sky, immersing myself in the whimsical embrace of nature's playground. The sun's gentle caress radiated warmth, a harmonious symphony of birdsong filled the air, and the trees performed a graceful dance, as though the universe itself sought recognition for bestowing such breathtaking beauty upon me.

Well, just half of it was fun actually. I still haven't gotten used to walking with the crutch in one hand, and it was actually getting on my nerve how much this thing slowed me down.

After I entered the school building, the first thing I encountered was Iva, her smile exuding grace as she greeted me. "Uh... Good morning... Noah."

I awaited her to finish, returning her smile. "Good morning, Iva."

I've really missed my everyday life. My everyday schedules. We walked together to the classroom, and Iva assisted me up the stairs. While we ascended, some students whispered among themselves which faintly reached our ears. "They look so wonderful together..."

Iva turned all red and hurriedly pulled me up the stairs, with bursting urgency in step. Breathlessly, we reached our floor, where I paused, my breath still racing as I sought to recover. "Don't pull me like that, I still haven't recovered yet."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just-"

A blank stare, as if she had lost her words midway. "What's wrong?" I asked, prompting Iva to flush deeper, and stumble upon her words.

"I... um... I didn't want everyone staring," she replied, her voice filled with shyness.

I laughed in response, trying to soothe her nerves. "Just that? Don't worry, they've sure gotten used to seeing these."

But to say the truth, that's not the only reason, Iva. I can tell that, just by looking at you. Anyone can. But it's fine. I like it this way, in this dynamic, as if we've journeyed back to a familiar past, just...

It's been a really long time since I last came to school. While I was taking the first step in, I wondered what kind of face they'd all make. Well, they lived up to my expectations, but in a different way. From the very first stride, a barrage of gazes converged upon me, prying and probing. With each subsequent step, they just kept staring at me... as if I'm a prey sent inside a cage of lions. Just after the few steps I took to reach my seat, all of a sudden everyone swarmed around, bombarding me with their questions.

"Noah! How are you doing?"

"We missed you so much!"

"Noah, I thought you'd died man."

They're being too loud for me even tell who was saying what, though I can probably guess who said the last one. I couldn't think of what to do, either give their answers one by one, which seemed impossible, or calm them down, which also seemed impossible.

But amidst the chatter, nobody seemed to notice that Mr. Hayes was already standing at the front of the class. He cleared his throat, in an attempt to capture everyone's attention. Yet, his efforts went unnoticed. After a brief pause, he slammed the file in his hand onto the desk, causing the entire class to startle and swiftly return to their seats.

Mr. Hayes cleared his throat once again. "The classroom seems quite lively today, doesn't it?"

Someone spoke from the middle. "Sir, you seem to be in unusually high spirits today. New romantic interests, perhaps?"

There they go again, ruining Mr. Hayes' morning. "You kids really do get on my nerves. Well, be that as it may." He looked back at me again as soon as he calmed himself, "It's good to have you back, Noah. The class felt empty without you every day."

I wonder how empty did he actually mean.

The classes continued in their usual rhythm, but I found myself unable to initiate another conversation with Iva. I stole glances at her during the lectures, hoping to catch her eye, but whenever our gazes met, I quickly averted my own or awkwardly shrugged off her stare.

I couldn't help but ponder the what-ifs, imagining how things might have gone if I hadn't made the decision to break up with Iva. All I had ever wanted was to protect her, and not let her hurt all by herself anymore. Merely engaging in a casual conversation with her had struck a chord in me. I had let her hurt all by herself again... even though the fault didn't lie solely upon either one of us. It had been a twist of fate.

But then, instead of standing by her side, I had chosen to push her away, believing it was the right thing to do. The thought of keeping her close to me, they have her put up with everything haunted me. And if something happened again in the future, if she were to blame herself for all of it again... what would I do then? For all my life, I'd avoided interacting with others. Even though I'd made that promise to her, I haven't changed a bit yet from the me I was back then.

It's all like a wound, and even if I leave it for time to heal, the scars won't go.

But now that I think of it, was it really the right choice? Could I have waited a little longer? Did I end up hurting her even more?

But what else could I have done either? The true complexity of human emotion often remains beyond our complete grasp, regardless of the intimacy we share with someone. I understood that, even when someone is dear to us, their innermost pain might elude our perception. I knew she'd wear a smile whenever she'd be around me, even if the inside of her churred in pain. She'd keep smiling.

Gradually, the room's confines became suffocating with the overwhelming weight of my thoughts. During recess, as the classroom emptied, the silence ended up amplifying the typhoon of emotions taking root in my mind. Overwhelmed by the surge, I found myself compelled to seek refuge, to find a space where I could momentarily exhale, and thus found myself ascending towards the rooftop.

As I reached the roof, standing by the iron gate, I spotted Iva standing near the railing. She was nestled against it, seemingly savoring the caress of the cool breeze against her skin. Part of me decided to leave, but fate had other intentions. Just as I was about to turn away, in an almost fortuitous misstep, my crutch inadvertently struck the gate. Iva turned her gaze towards me, our eyes locking in an intense connection.

Beholding her presence, I found myself entangled in a mix of emotions impossible to untangle. "Um, Iva," I said, my voice filled with a blend of all those emotions.

"Noah...? Wha- what are you doing here?" Iva's words stumbled forth, as if she'd seen a ghost.

"I just needed a moment to catch my breath, that's all..."

"Oh, I see." She took her eyes back at the blue sky, "I'm also here for the same."

I moved towards the railing, keeping quite a bit of distance between us. "I didn't know you liked coming here."

"Well, I started coming here not long ago. Maybe I've started liking it here, so calm and silent."

"You're right. it's really calm here at the back of the school."

This corner of the rooftop overlooks the rear of the school campus, a less frequented spot, resulting in a few students' presence. Furthermore, all the noises from the playground fail to permeate this area. A really nice and calm spot.

"So, how's your day been?" She asked.

"It's been... interesting. How about you, Iva? How's your day been?" I couldn't help but smile at her.

A soft blush graced her cheeks as she replied, "Good, if I had to say. Better now that I'm talking to you."

And we went on like that, having nothing important to talk about but asking silly questions. But as the conversation continued, I could sense a shift in Iva's demeanor. Abruptly, she drew in a deep breath, and her tone turned more serious. "Noah, can I ask you something?"

I could feel the tension building in the air. "Of course, Iva. What is it?."

Iva looked into my eyes, though I couldn't tell what was behind that gleaming gaze right then. Her gaze held an irresistible allure, drawing me into it.

"Why did you break up with me, Noah?"

"Why I broke up-?"

"Tell me Noah, why did you break up with me?"

Her voice had now blended with the same as in her eyes. It wasn't a matter of not being able to give her an answer. When I had made that decision, I had also prepared to brace for the same. But to think that she'd still be clinging onto it, ... for all this time... it only made me hate myself even more. I hoped that, by time, she would be able to get over it. It really isn't that big of a deal, is it? I hesitated, attempting to deflect the question. "Iva, it's... I can explain. But at first-"

Iva hushed, pushing through my words. "I don't want excuses or explanations. I just want to know."

The look in her eyes told me that there was no going around from this. I took a deep breath, trying to get the right words. "Iva, I didn't know that you still haven't let go of any of this."

"Any of this? What are you saying Noah, how will I ever let go of any of it?"

Right now, all I can hear is a haunting whisper in my ear, creeping over me and resting on my shoulders. "Make up with her again. And then break her again."

"Make up again, and then break it all again."

As if it was my own ghost crawling out from within me, telling me that it's the only path for someone like me, who can reach the depths of her heart... yet remains blind to do what's right in front of him. It's like being the blind violinist.

Tears glistened in Iva's eyes as she searched for words. "Noah... do you think it was all my fault? That you got into the accident because of me?"

I must distance her from this. I can't add to the weight she's already carrying. "You're wrong, Iva. It was never your fault. Please don't blame yourself for what happened." A surge of emotions overwhelmed me, and my voice grew stern.

"No, Noah. It was my fault. That day, if you hadn't pushed me to the side, the same fate could've happened to me too. But instead, it was you who had to suffer."

It's right. The only thing I can do is just break everything down, tearing and shattering into pieces. Is it really right for me then, still wanting to be by her side? Was this really the promise I had made to her?

"Iva, you're getting it all wrong."

I'm really pathetic, still expecting things too out of my reach.

Her voice started crackling. "It was all my fault..."

"No, it's not your fault, Iva."

"Then tell me, why did you break up with me?"

"Like I said... it's just-"

She raised her voice again, as if a child throwing a tantrum. "You're not making any sense, Noah! Why aren't you saying anything?"

Yeah, she still loves me. I knew that, I knew that very well, even when I thought of breaking up with her. And I love her too, just the same. "Iva... Iva... Iva..." But that love for her is what's truly ruling all my actions.

I stopped mumbling. "Iva, don't act like you know nothing."

"What are you saying, Noah? I really don't know anything."

"But what do you need to know? That I hate you? What other thing does it mean when someone breaks up with another person?"

"Is it like that, Noah?" She clasped her hands over her chest, "Do you really hate me."

"Yeah, I hate your guts."

"Then tell me, why do you seem to be so hurt? Back then, and even now, why do you seem like you're really hurting."

"Yeah, I'm hurting. I'm really hurting, Iva!" Why is it always like this, that I end up doing things how I didn't want them to do? I'd want my entire being to rebel against myself, but I'm too powerless. "It's you, Iva. You're the one who's been hurting me..."

"I'm hurting you." The expression in her face changed completely, one I had witnessed just once before. That day. "Is it really true?"

If I can't keep you by my side, then I'll just break you up again. I'll break you to the point that you'll never ever think of me again. "Yeah, I mean it." So please forget me, Iva. Forget our love, forget everything that binds us together. Just forget it!

"But what about our promise...?" Her voice went down a notch, barely reaching my ears, "Why didn't you tell me all of this sooner? You know I'm an airhead, that I don't get things unless they're spelled out to me. You could've just told me sooner, so that I could do things differently."

"You still don't get it-"

"Tell me, Noah. I really want to help you, but I can't when I don't know anything."

At that moment, all the frustration and pain welled up within me. I couldn't bear to see her burden herself with guilt. Without thinking anything, I threw my crutch away, the sound of it hitting the ground echoing our turmoil.

"Just forget that promise already!" I yelled. "I'm alright now. Look at me, I can walk just fine. So, you don't need to concern yourself with me anymore."

But as I finished speaking, I took a step forward, and a sharp pain shot through my body, causing me to collapse onto the ground. Iva's scream pierced the air as she rushed to retrieve my crutch.

"Noah! Are you okay?"

Grimacing in pain, I struggled to respond. "I... I'm fine... Iva..."

Right then… as I fell to the ground… I watched quietly, as Iva rushed to pick my crutch. Even now, I wouldn’t mind if she just walked away from here. But after a few years, maybe I’d grow to regret everything I'd done up until now. I honestly thought everything through at that time. I'd really thought everything through properly.

She picked the crutch up for me. And it was like she was protecting… both the me right now and the me of the future. Perhaps even something farther-reaching, something beyond that. I don’t really know. But I do know one thing, that “loving” someone... isn’t just always loving what’s right in front of you. There’s also the past… and the future. Loving someone means embracing it all. And she was trying the same too.

The me who only caused her more and more pain, and the me who was thinking of breaking her heart again. She embraced all of it.

"I promised you, Noah, that I'd also lend my hand when you need it the most."

There she goes again, with that old promise. I should've realized it sooner, my powerlessness to keep that promise. Yet she still loves me accepting everything in me. She'd embraced the good in me a long time ago, and right now, she's also trying her best to embrace the worst of me. But do I deserve any of this?

She walked towards me, with the crutch in one hand, lending the other to pull me up. I was like the child now, weak, pathetic, yet she stood there reaching out her hand to me with a smile. "I'll not let go of that promise. It means a lot to me, Noah."

I didn't realize it, but when did you walk out of that dark room, Iva?

We walked back to the classroom together. Upon entering, the bustling energy of the students enveloped us once again. But when the rest of classes for the day began, our biology teacher, Mr. Gusky, while taking the attendance, noticed an empty seat—Alan's seat.

Everyone in the school is scared of this one presence, Mr. Gusky. And right now... he is irritated. He kept looking at the clock, waiting for a few moments, thinking that perhaps Alan was simply running late or had to make a quick visit to the restroom. The seconds ticked by, but Alan failed to make an appearance.

Growing increasingly impatient, Mr. Gusky cleared his throat and glanced around the room, his eyes searching for any sign of Alan's return. Sensing the situation, the class fell into an uneasy silence. With a sigh, Mr. Gusky finally spoke up.

"Where is Alan?" He asked with a tinged with annoyance. "Can someone please find him and bring him back? We have a lesson to cover."

The class representative was swiftly dispatched to search for Alan, and a few other students volunteered to join the search, including Iva. They scoured the corridors, peered into empty classrooms, and even ventured to the school grounds, but Alan seemed to have vanished without a trace.

"Unbelievable," Mr. Gusky grumbled. "How dare he bunk my class like this? We'll continue without him. The rest of you, pay attention." And with that his lectures resumed, and I was back floating in my thoughts. But now they weren't suffocating me.