A Familiar Aching

 Surprisingly, after the ball, nothing too bad happened to us. We got a few glares whenever we would work, and people were especially cautious around Lili, but that’s it. It’s okay; she was in the right, after all. Now that she has Selene, Lili has been going out much more. At first, it was hard to understand that the two of them were powerful and that Lili didn’t need me to protect her. Maybe I was scared of losing her too.

I’m trying to stop wallowing in my self-pity. It took that nightmare to realize that hating myself so much only distracts me from my goals. It didn’t benefit me in any way other than making me feel sorry for myself. I want to think I’ve gotten better, of course, I still miss Touko, and I’m willing to do anything to get her back, but I’m adapting to my situation better.

This is the first day in a while that neither of us is working, so we decided to have a picnic at a beach. We didn’t tell the other what we’d pack, so it’d be a surprise. I made strawberry and cream sandwiches and some cat-shaped rice balls- something a little different from our usual meals but still within our comfort zone. I carried the boxes and trays of food while Lili scouted a spot for our blanket. She laid it down in the center of the beach, far enough away from the water.

She sat on the blanket, adjusting her white sundress and fixing her bangs. She ended up cutting her bangs back down to their original length and started wearing her hair in different styles, and today was a ponytail. We opened the boxes of food we made for each other. Lili’s container had an assortment of fruits mixed into the salad, but these fruits were unlike anything I’d seen before. Seeing my curiosity, she explained.

“Selene taught me some things about cooking with magic. There are certain fruits and vegetables you can only grow using magic, and I thought it’d be fun to taste something new together,” she explained, anticipation growing on her face as she spoke.

“I’m excited to try it,” I responded, sticking a fork into the fruit salad and biting into it. When the fruit hit my tongue, it had a subtly sweet flavor like a banana. But after a few seconds, it left a slight spice that lingered on my tongue. Not surprisingly, it was delicious. After eating the fruit, Lili looked up at me expectantly.

“You like it?”

“Yeah, it’s delicious.”

“Maybe I’ll have to make it again!”

“You should; I’d like that a lot,” I smiled at her, pulling out my box. Her fingers pried open the lid as I gazed at her face, watching her reaction.

“It’s so cute! Thank you, Haru,” She gave me a soft smile before chomping down at the strawberry sandwich.

“We could make something amazing, you know? We could make sandwiches out of magical fruit, and you can make them look all cute…” Her smile expands, daydreaming about the food we could make together.

“Definitely! We could try to sell them, too.” I added, joining her excitement.

“Oh my gosh… what if we start a cafe?” Her eyes sparkled with enthusiasm.

We finished each other’s food, exchanging ideas and compliments. We laughed together, imagining the possibility of starting a cute little cafe.

“That would’ve been so much fun… if only it were possible.” Lili mused.

“Why isn’t it?”

She playfully bonked me on the head with her fist, “Because, Haru, I won’t be here long enough to do that.”

I gulped, my heart sinking, “Right… sorry.”

She turned to me, still smiling, “Maybe you and Touko could make one in my memory or something. Enough about what I want, though. What have you been doing lately?”

“Oh! I’ve been drawing a lot. When we were alive, I was a mangaka,” I shared.

“A mangaka? That’s cool! I wish I could see your work.”

“Well… no one picked me up, so I was stuck writing short stories on a loop.”

“It sounds like you were pretty passionate about it, though.”

“Yeah, I actually didn’t let myself die before finishing my last manga,” I laugh.

Lili glanced at me, “What was it about?”

I took a deep breath and recalled the short manga I wrote, “It’s about a man who abandons himself seemingly out of nowhere…” I continued to explain the plot of the manga.

“And… no one was worried for you? For us?” She looked concerned.

“Well- I had this friend named Yoichi who was a little concerned for me, but I didn’t let him help,” I shook my head, “I wonder what he’s doing now.”

Lili wrapped her arms around my shoulders, her voice lowering gently, “Why are you so resistant to getting help?”

“If I asked for help, I wouldn’t be strong. People don’t like weak people.” I admitted, feeling a mix of sudden vulnerability and guilt.

She whispered in my ear, “Haru, you’ve endured so much pain… It hurts me to hear you say things like that.”

“I’m sorry…” I murmured, wondering if I had said too much.

“If you’re sorry, maybe you should ask me for help when needed. Okay?”

I remained silent, unable to argue with her logic. Against my better judgment, I nodded. She looked at me with a surprised smile and planted a kiss on my cheek.

Whenever I was upset or sad around Touko, she didn’t offer me any solutions. She would shower me with affection but not give me any advice; I feel like she was scared to. But something felt different with Lili. My heart beat fast as her body pressed against mine, stealing my breath. She suddenly spins around to face me, her concerned eyes searching mine.

“Are you okay, Haru?” She asked. I lifted my hands to my face; it was hot to the touch. I think I understand now. Touko is the one that comforted me in the darkness; meanwhile, Lili is the one that can pull me out of it. She brushes the hair out of my face, giving me a comforting smile that etches itself into my mind.

“Whenever you want to talk… I’ll be here.”

Those words make my chest tighten with a familiar ache.

God…

I’m such a fuck up.