The Line Between Us

"Actually… there is something on my mind."

Lili looks at me, startled by my vulnerability.

"I feel like…" I choke on my words, "Please forgive me for saying this, but…"

She wears a patient smile, her gaze locked onto me, waiting for me to continue.

"I wonder if I'm falling for you, Lili."

My face grows hotter by the second, my heart pounding out of my chest.

"Oh," she looks taken aback, "I know, and I appreciate you being honest with me… but…"

"It's not possible," I finish her sentence.

"No, not that," she shakes her head, "I just wonder if you're confusing your feelings for me with your feelings for Touko."

Her words strike a chord with me; I've questioned that myself.

"I honestly don't know. That's the part that hurts."

Lili's face grew red as she placed her hand on my cheek, her touch delicate and gentle.

"I know the kind of person you are," she begins, her voice full of understanding, "You can't rest until you find your answers and tear yourself apart. Am I wrong?"

I shake my head, silently acknowledging the truth in her words.

"Then, apologize to Touko for what I'm about to do."

Without warning, Lili reaches to my other cheek and cups my face, her eyes locked into mine.

Dear God, if this makes me selfish…

Almost instinctively, our eyes lock, a shy smile forming on my face.

…Then, I want to embrace it unremorsefully, just this once.

Breaking eye contact, I glance into the distance, "Are you sure you want this?" I ask, seeking permission to proceed.

Her voice is laced with uncertainty, "I don't know either. I can't separate my feelings from hers. That's why…"

I swallowed, bracing myself for what was about to come.

"Maybe… this can help us," she leans into me, closing the short distance between us, and places her lips on mine.

At that moment, time stands still. A surge of overwhelming emotions forms inside me; bittersweetness, nostalgia, and guilt. It feels exactly like her. The taste of Lili's lips serves as a reminder of the memories Touko and I created, leaving me to wonder if these emotions are justifiable retribution for betraying my girlfriend's trust.

The worst part of it all… I still don't know how I truly feel.

Pulling back from each other, a sight I dared not to show to anyone formed on my face without remorse.

My lip quivered, and I quickly bit down on it, trying to stifle the tears welling in my eyes, refusing to let them escape. The taste of metal quickly floods my mouth.

"Are you okay?" Lili's voice cuts through to me, snapping me back to reality as her hand gently places itself on my shoulder.

At that moment, I couldn't contain myself anymore. The years of hiding and bottling up my emotions until I was alone came crashing down on me. I don't care about anything anymore; if this makes me weak, so be it.

I felt tears fall down my cheeks, and I struggle with the urge to hide them. Unsure of what to do, Lili pulls me into an embrace.

"It's okay, it's okay… I'm-" interrupting herself, Lili holds her head in her hands, clutching it in pain. With her eyes locked in front of her, she begins describing a scene quietly.
—
Touko and I are sitting in a cheap karaoke booth, our voices slightly off-key as we sing duets together. The screen's soft white and yellow glow reflects off of Touko's face. We laughed together, taking turns feeding each other the desserts we ordered.

As the night unfolds, we catch the other staring for extended periods of time. We both yearned for more but hesitated, not wanting to make the first move. Eventually, Touko went for it and gave me a quick peck on the lips. I longed for more in that instance, pulling her into a more passionate kiss. When we part, tears begin to well in my eyes. I turn away and hide my tears with my hands.

Touko reached out and pulled my trembling hands from my face, gently wiping a tear away.

"Was the kiss so good you started crying?" Touko teased, a soft smile forming on her lips before pulling me into a tender embrace.

"There, there," she whispers, her voice filled with love and reassurance, "I love you, Haru," she leans down to kiss my forehead.

"I...I love you too," I responded emotionally between deep breaths.

Wanting to lighten the atmosphere, I lift my head with a mischievous smirk spreading on my face, "The kiss wasn't good enough to make you cry?" I chuckle.
—
Lili looked at my bloodshot eyes, wiping a tear away from them.

"Was the kiss so good you started crying?" She echoes Touko's words, causing me to cry more, shattering what remained of the walls put up between me and Lili.

"Touko… Tou…ko…” I muttered in between sobs.

The two of us sat in a silent embrace.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry for what I've done, Touko…"

"Hey, now," Lili lifts my head with her hands, her touch tender yet firm, "I'm more to blame than you are. If you hate yourself for this, it's only fair you hate me all the same."

"I can't hate you; you know I can't hate you."

Her expression softens, "Oh, but you didn't do anything wrong. If I know that, then so does Touko. Allow me to shoulder all your guilt."

I find myself nodding hesitantly, feeling the weight of my self-blame lift from my shoulders. She smiles warmly before packing our food back up, "A lot has happened here, and I think we both need some rest."

She looks out at the ocean, her dress swaying in the wind slightly.

"You'll be happy to know… that I feel the line between me and Touko Moriyama slowly disappearing."

Those words make my heart sink. Right, how am I surprised? After everything is done, Lili won't be here anymore. She'll be replaced by Touko once again. Why does that thought make my heart hurt so badly?

She was correct; I can't rest until I realize my feelings.