Alan- When You Are The One Left Behind

It was during the autumn of our third year in middle school. The entire town seemed to have adopted the season's fashion, draping itself across our modest enclave with shades of gold, crimson, and amber. With the weekend stretching ahead of us, Iva, Noah, and I set out on our bicycles to explore the town, basking in the refreshing autumn breeze.

After evening descended upon us, we turned our course homeward. Noah's house was the first one to come, so he bid us farewell as he veered off to his own path. Iva and I kept walking along the leaf-strewn trail on foot, our cycles gently crunching the fallen leaves.

I was actually waiting for Noah's stop to come, so that we two are the only ones left. "Iva, can I ask you a question?" I asked, breaking the tranquil mood. 

She leaned in closer. "Yeah, go ahead."

"I had been wanting to ask you this for some time now..." I tried picking the right words. "Between Noah and myself, whom would you choose to go out with?" 

Iva blushed, her words stumbling out in a rush. "W-wait, w-why are you asking?"

"I'm just curious. Who would you pick?" Undeterred, I pressed her for an answer.

"It's not the kind of question you just throw out there like that..."

"But there must be an answer, right? Who would you pick?"  

"Come one, don't you have anything better to ask?" She fuzzed, her face growing even more red. 

She kept resisting, refusing to respond. And I kept on throwing words at her one after another. "Just one answer. Who would you pick. Please tell me..."

She stopped, and instead of nodding or anything, she turned her gaze towards the trees, their branches nearly stripped bare. "Alan, look at those trees for a moment."

Her eyes lingered on the tree, while I followed along. "Yeah?"

"Do you feel anything while looking at them?"

I hesitated, searching for meaning among the barren branches. "Just a tree," I replied, unsure of where she was leading.

Iva chuckled, "Come on, you could've said something better." 

I couldn't tell what was so intriguing about a tree with little to no leaves fashioning it. But I'll say one thing, amidst the autumn hues the nature had in store for us, the way she laughed, it was like the delicate vibrancy of spring flowers itself. 

With a mischievous smile, she asked, "Don't you feel that the tree is lonely?"

A hint of wistfulness tinged me, as I nodded, "Yes, it does seem a tad lonely. But that doesn't matter. Give me my answer first." 

Gazing into her eyes, she responded with the softness of a zephyr's touch. "Let's watch the flowers bloom together when spring arrives, all three of us."

In the end, Iva didn't give me the answer I was looking for. Though I'm sure she wasn't planning on giving one either. But at that moment, it felt like I had already gotten my answer. Maybe to her, none of this even matter, as what she really wished for was that nothing would claw into the friendship we had built. She only wished for things to remain as they were, for our shared happiness to endure. 

It made me realize too, that perhaps I wasn't expecting to hear a definitive answer from her either. For me, witnessing Iva's radiant smile was the only response that mattered, the one that would bring her the greatest joy. And in that I may... or may not... have any part or role to play; she alone should decide what would make her truly happy.

After that, I confessed my feelings to her one day, when we were returning home from school. My little attempt, on becoming a part of her happiness. I didn't get the answer I wished to hear, but I accepted it, and eventually, we got back to how we were before... though it took some time. 

But everything changed when our high school years began. 

Noah summoned the courage to confess his feelings to Iva, and they started going out together. Strangely, I was okay with it. I could sense... Noah possessed something that I lacked. And in the end, I was left standing on the outskirts of their newfound love. It felt as though the familiar ground I had once stood upon had crumbled beneath my feet, leaving me adrift in a sea of uncertainty.

At first, I masked my true emotions with a feigned smile, as I was genuinely happy for those two who meant the world to me. I felt a semblance of contentment, watching from a distance, Iva's newfound happiness whenever she was with Noah. I was happy to see her like that, thinking that it's something I could've never given her. Just like how everyone always expected so much from me, and I was always failing to meet them... deep inside of me, I felt the same, that maybe I couldn't have met her expectations.

And at the end, I resigned myself to this reality, accepting that they were moving forward... while I remained stagnant. Yet, that fragile happiness proved ephemeral.

After coming home from school today, mom made me go to the department store to purchase groceries for her, where I chanced upon Noah's mother among the aisles. 

She didn't seem to recognize me at first. "Aren't you Alan? Noah's friend?"

Noah's usually doesn't let us visit his place that much, and he only does when his parents aren't home. He has his reasons too, I guess. Just like every one of us. So it's expected that she wouldn't recognize me straight away. "Yeah, Mrs. Aubrey. It's nice to meet you."

"Didn't Noah contact you, or tell you anything?"

I wasn't expecting the least bit of where the conversation was being steered off to. "Um... no, why?"

"Didn't he tell you..." I really wasn't expecting to hear that. "He's leaving today."

An abrupt shock surged through my veins, leaving me momentarily mute. I'd heard nothing like that from him, that he's leaving today. He didn't even leave a text, let alone call me. 

"I asked him if I should come along to the station. But he instantly shot down my request. He said he can go alone, so I didn't need to bother."

In an attempt to mask my shock, I managed a weak smile. "Well, that's just like Noah." 

"I've been feeling quite lonely at home. I knew this day would come, but as a mother, it's still incredibly hard for me to accept..." She let out a sigh. "Children really grow up in the blink of an eye, don't they? Leaving their loved ones behind."

Without a moment's hesitation, I found myself hurrying towards the train station, my thoughts still tangled in chaos. What could possibly be going through Noah's mind, leaving without a single word?

There are still so many things he still needs to fix. Did he even talk to Iva after that day in the park? How will she react, when she hears it? Has he already told her? But he didn't even tell me anything... is he really planning on leaving just like that? I couldn't help but wonder why things just can't go back to how they were before, when everything felt simpler and more connected.

Once again, I was left behind, struggling to catch up with the rest. I yearned to understand Noah and Iva better, but it seemed like an impassable gap separated us. However, the feeling of being left behind had become unbearable. I can't ignore it any longer. I can't bear the feeling of being left behind any longer.

Upon reaching the bustling station, I took a moment to catch my breath. I scanned the area, desperately searching for any sign of Noah. And then, amidst the crowd, I spotted him, sitting alone on a bench, engrossed in his phone. 

My heart skipped a beat, as if a surge of emotions had suddenly receded from my mind. For a moment, I found myself simply staring at him, unsure of what to say or ask. The burdensome thoughts that had preoccupied my heart mere moments ago now seemed to muddle in his presence.

How is he going to face Iva?

How will she even feel?

Will she even be able to hold after all of this?

Will she... well... does it even matter to him now, when he won't be around us anymore from tomorrow? Will all these thoughts even matter? After rushing all the way here to see him, I'm now questioning myself, whether it's worth attempting to engage with Noah. All I ever wanted was for both of them to be happy together, so blissfully content that it would be evident I never stood a chance. Deep within my heart, I just wanted them to be something I couldn’t reach.

But now, after all this time, is it wrong for me to want to catch up with them once again? Was it misguided of me, as if I had been wearing a smile of blissful ignorance while my insides burned with unfulfilled desires? Should I have pursued my own happiness instead? And if I were to do that, would there even be a destination worth finding in the end?

Right then, I spotted Iva making her way towards me. It felt as if time momentarily froze, and my muscles tensed in disbelief. 

Did Noah call her here, to talk with her before leaving? He didn't tell anyone else to come... only her. But why is it only her? Noah... are you planning to...

Her gaze met mine, a mixture of surprise and concern evident in the way she walked. And in that fleeting moment, as our eyes met, I felt a flicker of the warmth that once existed between us, melting away everything weighing me down.

With cautious steps, I moved closer, trying to sound like usual as I called out her name. "Iva, what brings you here?"

Nobody falls in love because they want to become sad and lonely. I believed that, and the last thing I wanted to break down were those two, the way they were. But I'm done with it now. This time I won't let her leave me behind. This time I’ll make sure nothing causes me more loneliness. 

This time for sure.