Wantin' a Friend

She painted a picture with her words to an audience of one; me.
"From elementary school up to the first half of junior high, I lived a quintessential lifestyle. My parents were very proud of me because I surpassed the high standards that came with a rich family. My friends also loved me for being a girl of sunshine and smiles that helped them with studying. They saw me as reliable, and I liked that."

She must've seen how exceeding expectations made everyone around her happy, and so that became the main motivator for her. That wasn't different to how she was in high school, still mindful of others and strict with herself. However, self-restraint caused her to burnout, and keep it to herself.

In order to see how restraining she was on herself, I asked,
"When did you have time to do fun stuff with friends if you spend a lot of time studyin'?"

She pondered audibly for a moment.
"Hmm, I wasn't really invited to do any of that stuff to begin with," she said happily.

Huh? I thought she'd be constantly invited considerin' the amount of friends she has. What kind of friends don't invite someone who's always helpin' them?

"Plenty of people call themselves my friend, but the truth is most of them just use me for studying, I know that. That doesn't really bug me, because the smiles they have when they do well on exams are genuine. The only time I'd get an invitation was from Hanamaru-chan. She's my bestest friend, by the way!"

The tomboyish friend?

*Great, now you've made a connection with her. This is bad––*

Hmm, I continued thinking. If she's in Rossi-san's childhood, then she must know how to deduce her words more accurately.

For the rest of the hour, Rossi-san hummed her flower song. I determined that the quickest way to figure out when she started to use expressions to lie was by getting her tomboyish friend to elaborate more on the original advice she gave me. I needed to find her tomorrow.

➼ ➼ ➼

Tuesday of exam week. There was more review in our classes as the pressure and nerves rose tenfold. The dismissal bell for lunch had rang, and instead of eating alone in class or at the garden, I ventured out to the most populated places in the school in search of that tomboyish friend.

The busiest parts of the school were places with multifarious activities, such as the soccer pitch, bleachers, and gyms. Clamoring voices reigned the skies in every direction, there wasn't a single space outside that didn't have a student talking. Sporty ones played in the grass as if they were in professional tournaments, and their audience ranged from the physically beautiful to the outcast geniuses.

If I remember correctly, that friend is in the volleyball club, so she might be in the gym.

*Kiyoshi, don't go...*

The air conditioned air rushed towards me as I opened the gym door. Similarly to outside, the air was filled with shouting and chatting, and the different categories of students were in their respective spots. Hugging the wall, I maneuvered towards the volleyball nets where I saw a few girls playing against boys.

"Soiya! Take that Atsui, another win for us!"

I recognized the voice. It was the same one that shouted at me across the classroom last Friday. I saw her walk over to the bleachers and take a seat. It looked to me that she finished a game, so there was no need to worry about interrupting. There were other girls surrounding her.

She noticed me approaching, tilting her head in confusion.
"Oi, ya're that boy from before, ain't'ya?"

I didn't know if any of the girls beside the tomboyish friend was Rossi-san, but that wasn't at the top of my mind at that moment. I did my best to maintain eye contact with her, silently signaling that I was calling her over.

"What'cha want?" she asked.

I hadn't prepared my request in advance. I looked up towards her and said,
"I-I'd like to talk to you...about...the garden girl."

Her eyes widened, then she turned her head slightly to the left to shift her eyes behind. I assumed that meant the topic of conversation was amongst the crowd, most likely confused as to how her friend and I knew each other. Nevertheless, I didn't bother looking, despite a desire to do so fluttering in my stomach like butterflies.

"I'll meet'cha at the garden in a bit," she replied.

Without another word from me joining the babel of the gym, I left where I entered from and headed towards the garden.

I needed to be careful, since she didn't know of Rossi-san's secret, and I surely didn't want to be the one to expose it. I had to fix my words correctly. It didn't take long for her to show up.

"So, uh, 'Poet-kun'? What's up?"
She did her best to not replicate her overprotective demeanor that she displayed last time, however it looked rather unnatural for her. She stood with arms to her side, and her posture was astute for a sporty girl.

"I wanted to ask if you could elaborate more on what you meant by hearin' Rossi-san's words carefully?"

Her eyebrows raised with a blink and the corners of her lips dipped slightly as if she was astounded by something.
"Ya actually took my advice? Nice!" she exclaimed proudly. "I was worried I'd 'ave to beat ya up for hurting Yuri-chan. Ya didn't strike me as the type to be considerate of others."

"I was supposed to be like that; didn't do a very good job. Anyways, about Rossi-san, um, what do you know about the way she expresses herself?"

She pondered, stretching her arms in the air like a sports warmup.
"As a kid, Yuri-chan already had the adult mindset of being, how do ya say it, conscientious. She's responsible and hardworking to please those who relied on her. Honestly, she's such'a princess. But I noticed how she always expressed her emotions in one way, but used her words to mean another."

"How'd you figure that out?"

She raised her right hand to her chest and formed a fist over her heart.
"I'm smarter than I look, ya know... Especially when it comes to my bestest friend. She's my bestest friend, but I don't know if I'm hers. I mean, friends are supposed to talk to each other, ain't that right? Friends tell the truth, show true feelings, and share pains together."
Her eyes, along with her voice, had dropped. She began to tremble as if a gust of winter's harshest wind had caressed her, but we were in May, and there was no wind. Her trembles came from within.
"B-But she doesn't do that to me, or anyone. It's like she's scared to tell us, so she tries to hide her feelings in her expressions. She says everything as a joke, so no matter what comes out her mouth, her expression tells people to not take it seriously. But, if ya ignore her chipperness, you can see the other side of her...her pain."

I asked, "If you think that, why haven't you asked her about it?"

She turned pink and faced her shoulder with her hair as a curtain in an attempt to hide her face.
"I-I'm....scared. If I say something, something might change for the worse, a-and I don't want that to happen."

I dropped my head and brought two fingers to rub my eyes.
After an exhale, I muttered, "Yep, I've heard that before... Been there too."

The pieces lined up smoothly like a game of Tetris. I was beginning to clear away a barrier that blocked the full picture about Rossi-san. Her dislike for our promise of not getting to know each other as I listened to her problems; not becoming friends due to our personal worries.

I got what I needed from the tomboyish friend. Leaving the garden, I told her,
"I will say, if you think she's hidin' another part of herself, don't think she's doin' it on purpose. I'm sure she doesn't even realizes, so I'll get her to realize."

*You're not thinking of giving her what she wants, are you?*

I placed a burden onto her. I can't let her deal with it alone.

*Why not?*

Rossi-san's expressions said she was okay with that promise, but despite it, she always suggested stuff that would cause us to meet face-to-face, like petting each other's hair, joining the Environmental club, and playing Karuta. I thought her words had been telling me she wanted a stranger to know her secret and be unhelpful because she was afraid of change, but that was her expression. Her words actually said the opposite.

She didn't want a stranger, she wanted a friend. A friend to reassure her nothing would change by helping. She played her suggestions off as jokes for my sake, because she was considerate of my preference for solitude before her desire for reassurance.

That whole time at the garden, she subconsciously wanted me as her friend, but I consciously didn't want her as mine. She was hurting, and had been telling me.

To answer Swani's question, I couldn't let her deal with it alone, because it was my fault for lying to her too.