Prologue: Empty

Being alone didn’t mean I was lonely; if anything, I enjoyed the silence. I had a few friends that mattered, and my relationship with my parents was good. I was hesitant to get close to other kids, even at an early age. My parents once told me stories about how I made one of my elementary classmates cry. I like to think I did it to protect a girl because it was my dream to be a hero. Western comic books were the main subject of my childhood, those star-spangled heroes who saved the day, kicked ass and got the girl. Of course, it hit me early on that we lived in a dull world without superpowers or villains, but I knew the world must have a heroine out there for me. I wanted to meet the girl of my dreams and swoop in to save her. However, it would take growing up a bit more to realise that the true villains we face are our own—the demons that haunt our past, the regrets that build up until, ultimately—bang. Sometimes you dream too big, and your wings burn off, and other times you don't dream big enough that you drown. I like to call myself a realistic dreamer; someone with big dreams but would shoot themselves down at the thought of committing. Maybe I just needed a little push. Something small to let that baby snowball roll into an avalanche.

If you ask me to describe regret, I would have no trouble using my life as an example. I spent nights thinking about how things would have been different if I hadn’t said those words or taken those actions. I let those thoughts build up, never letting go. My stiff shoulders bear the weight of my past and remind me not to make the same mistakes again. I am constantly wishing I could remake the past. What if? what if? what if? are the scriptures that recite themselves in the halls of my mind. At the end of that maze, I hoped to see the light, but every day the bulb dims. Every negative emotion or life disappointment darkens the light until the faintest speck of white remains. Illuminating shame. I wasn’t going to blame others, it was my fault, so I had to deal with it myself. I wouldn’t drag anyone else down with me, but I wouldn't know the consequences of those thoughts until I met her.