Different Worlds

I'm lost.

I must have run a kilometer or more, because I have no idea where I am. I'm standing in the middle of the sidewalk on a low bridge fronted with a cast-iron rail as I frantically look back and forth, trying to get my bearings. I have no idea where the closest bus stop is, how far I am from home, none of that.

I pull out my phone from my pocket- it's dead. Black screen. It's not turning on. Shit.

Beyond the thin railing, the murky gray Tsutsumi River extends to the horizon, barely a shade darker than the thick cloud cover coating the sky. There's a pale blue double cantilever bridge in the distance, and then another bridge, and another bridge. Behind me, cars whizz by, blasting my eardrums every few seconds.

There aren't a lot of people out walking, which makes the panic even worse. I never come out this way, so I have no idea where the bus stops are, and my phone is dead, so I can't look them up. And there's no one to ask. The wind has picked up- every single gust feels like a slap on the face, and it's only going to get colder. It's November, after all.

A pair of dead leaves come skittering down the orange-and-yellow tile on the sidewalk, as if they've been thrown by an invisible hand. I lean over the cold railing, gripping it with both my hands as I look down into the gray, churning river, trying to catch my breath. It's not working. My heart is beating a million times a second, and I feel like in just a moment, the WcDonald's I just ate is about to end up in the river.

My mind is consumed with thoughts of not being able to find the way home and freezing to death on this cold, lonely bridge. Of Manago finding my corpse in the morning and laughing about it. Of Hashigami finding my corpse in the morning and laughing about it.

I can see almost to the ocean, but it feels like the walls are closing in. They would never do that, says the little voice in my head, and it's drowned out by the images of my frozen body, alone on this bridge. There's a bus stop around the corner. You'll be able to get back home, says the little voice, but I can't stop the panic from building.

I know it's irrational, but there's nothing I can do. Damn it. Goddamn it. This day was going so well. For the first time in years, I thought I was having fun, and then life kicked me right in the face and I made a fool out of myself in front of the #2 trending author on N*rou and the girl I thought I might end up marrying...for something I couldn't control.

"Sakuta!" A shrill voice, broken by exhausting pants, cuts through the monotony of car and water noises. "There you are! Don't just run off like that-"

I turn around, slowly, and Hashigami stops talking and stares back from the other end of the bridge like she's just seen a ghost. I must look like one.

No...she hasn't seen a ghost...she's seen who I truly am, and that's scarier.

Then, without warning, she comes marching up to me, grabbing me by the collar and slamming me up against the iron railing. I'm in no condition to get out of the way, or move, even if I wanted to.

"What is wrong with you?!" Her voice is filled with a fury that I didn't believe could possibly come out of the mouth of someone so angelic-looking, and her eyes, so cute before, are burning.

I want to say something, to defend myself, but I can't. No words reach my lips.

"If you hated being around me that much, you could have just said so instead of embarrassing me like that! It would have saved us both some trouble!"

I can't answer.

"Say something!" she shrieks, shaking me. "How long were you planning on humiliating me?!"

Slowly, but surely, the panic is gone. In its place is anger.

She sees someone who's obviously having a mental breakdown and her first thought is not concern, but selfishness. How badly it affected her. Nothing about me. Instead of even bothering to ask me if I'm okay, she screams at me about making her look stupid.

She wants me to say something? Fine. I will.

"It's called a panic attack. Have you ever heard of it? I figured you hadn't. It's not something that rich girls from Seishin have to worry about."

She loosens her grip a bit, but still stares at me with murderous rage.

"I was having a good day today. When I was talking to you over the internet, I thought you were a nice person. I thought I got along with you. I even thought we had something in common. I guess all of that was a lie."

White-hot with fury, I continue, not even noticing that the flames in her eyes have gone out. "You showed me who you really are. I was stupid for expecting for one second that you'd have empathy for someone like me. All you care about is yourself and the other mean girls in your clique at your fancy prep school. Maybe not even them. It's all about you, you, you. How things affect you and you alone. I get it- you have no idea how badly others have it, because you've never had to struggle. You call Daddy to bail you out of any trouble. But I can't do that. I have to put my head down and keep going. So...don't act like I'm the bad guy. Because you have everything. You could never understand what it's like to be me."

I stand there, breathing heavily in and out, but not from anxiety. Instead, it's from anger. I never raised my voice once, but I was the angriest I've been in years. Probably ever.

She's fully loosened her grip, and has taken a step back. I didn't even notice. I was too busy ranting. Her mouth is wide open as she stares at me with an expression I can't place- shock, maybe, but maybe it's anger, or fear, or...I don't know.

...She's gonna hit me, isn't she?

If she hits me, it means everything I said was right.

I brace myself for the slap that I know is coming...but it never does.

Instead, she grabs the rail of the bridge next to me as the cars pass by behind us, staring forlornly into the gray sky.

"So that's how you see me, huh..." Her voice, full of rage just a few seconds ago, is soft and plaintive.

"This bridge is my favorite place in the city. You watch the fishing boats come in and out, and the cars cross all the other bridges, and the people walk on the streets on either side of the river. It's peaceful. It may not be the best view, but it's special to me. I go to NyanNyan when I need to think about something, but I come here when I'm actually upset or worried."

She continues to stare off into the distance as she muses. The warm breath coming off of her lips forms a cloud of smoke in the cold November afternoon air. She stands out against the gray sky and gray city buildings- in profile, I can even see her eyelashes as she stares at nothing in particular.

"When I was little, my mom would take me walking here. She loved this place, too. We would stand here for hours and watch the river go by. Or she would put me on her shoulders so I could lean over and see the boats. But she's gone now, so it's just me."

Hashigami-san shifts a little bit, turning her forlorn gaze from the sky to the river as her pale cream scarf falls from one shoulder and dangles in front of her.

"I was actually thinking about showing you this bridge if we met up again," she sighs. "I guess that won't happen, though. Because I'm a spoiled rich mean girl from Seishin who only thinks about herself."

I'm too shocked to utter anything in reply. She's thrown my words right back in my face, and all I can do is sit there and take it.

"You're right, Sakuta-san. We are too different. I'm sorry I wasn't who you expected." She turns to face me. Her expression is utterly blank and weary. There isn't an ounce of anger on it anymore. She just looks tired and sad. Like me. "Be safe on your way home. Goodbye."

She turns around, and I watch helplessly as the forest-green coat and magenta ribbons bob down the street, growing smaller and smaller, until they're lost into the evening crowd, and once again it's me by myself on the small two-lane bridge, with the cars passing by behind me, the river churning below me, and the wind howling all around me.

As I stand there, looking over the railing at the vast, flowing darkness below, I get the distinct feeling that I've done something horrible.

An icy pinprick stings on my cheek, and then another, and another on my shoulder, and then one on my hand. I look up to see soft, cotton-like white flakes gently drifting toward the ground from the dreary gray sky. One lands on the lens of my glasses, immediately disintegrating into a water droplet.

The snow came early this year.