When Tears Fall

There are times when I can’t get a wink of sleep, no matter what I do. The moment I close my eyes, thoughts start racing and getting tangled. I hear conversations that might have never happened and scenes that I wish had never happened. I just want to sleep. I want to close my eyes, silence my mind, and get some rest. I want some peace…

"Nozomu? Are you okay? Hey!”

Who’s that? I don’t want to wake up. I want to rest. Who’s waking me up? Why does she look distressed? She looks scared…

“Please wake up now. Don’t scare me like that. Nozomu! Wake up!”

Why is she yelling my name? There’s only one person who yells my name like that.

My eyes open, and I feel a pair of warm hands cupping my face.

“You’re awake —”

Nozomi hugs me tightly as she sobs. My memory and vision are still too blurry to figure out what is happening. I rub Nozomi’s back to calm her down. I prop myself up with my shaky hands. I manage to sit up and lean back on the couch. I feel dizzy and weak, as if I’ll collapse if I make another move.

“You’re finally awake. I thought we’d need to call an ambulance,” my uncle Shige says.

When my vision becomes clearer, I see my uncle squatting down, and a girl beside her is patting his back lightly. She has blonde hair and circular glasses. She looks close to my uncle, even though I haven’t seen her before.

“What happened?” I ask.

“You suddenly collapsed behind the counter and your head hit the wall. You’ve been unconscious and mumbling something. That girl has been crying since you went unconscious,” Uncle Shige explains and points at Nozomi.

“Nocchi is very worried about you. By the way, my name is Ayumi. Nice to meet you, although this is probably not the best way to introduce myself.”

The girl who helps Nozomi with her business?

"How am I not going to worry?” Nozomi sniffs, then continues, “I was about to call you, then you collapsed. It happened so quickly in front of my eyes. I tried to wake you up so many times, but you wouldn’t even respond.” 

I gently push her back so I can look at her face. I wipe her tears with my thumb.

When was the last time I had someone worry about me like this?

“We should have your head checked in the hospital,” Nozomi gently massages the back of my head. Now that my mind has cleared up, I’m starting to feel a sting of pain at the back of my head.

“It’s fine. I just—”

“No, it’s not fine!” Nozomi yells.

“What do you mean it’s fine? You collapsed and hit your head on the wall. Collapsing in the middle of the day is already a symptom of illness, but your head also hit the wall. That can cause concussion, so we have to make sure that you’re okay. We have to…” she pauses.

“I have to know that you’re completely fine.”

Her voice shakes, then she sobs like a child. All I can do is hold her. It makes me happy that she cares about me, but at the same time, my heart aches because of her tears. I have no idea what happened to her in the past that made her intensely react to my little accident, but I don’t want her to be crying like this because of me.

“Alright. Let’s go to the hospital,” I finally give in.

“I’ll drive you there,” my uncle says as he stands up.

“What about the café?”

“It’s already past noon, so closing early won’t hurt the business. My nephew’s well being is more important.”

He smiles and goes to prepare for closing.

“I’ll help you out!” the blonde girl says then follows her.

Nozomi hugs me by the waist tightly and buries her face on my chest. Her tears seem to have stopped already, but she continues to hiccup. I caress her head, then plant a kiss on her crown.

"I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

Silence.

In fact, she remained silent on the way to the hospital and on our drive to my uncle’s house. Since my uncle is also worried, he decided to have me stay with him for a few days.

“It’s been a long time since I visited your house, Masayuki,” Ayumi utters when we arrive at Uncle Shige’s house. Nozomi remains silent and looks upset.

“Well, we haven’t seen each other in a while. Feel at home, Inohara.”

Uncle Shige probably senses the tension as well. Nozomi only nods in reply.

We go straight to the living room, and I sit down on the couch.

I feel tired.

Nozomi sits beside me, but she squeezes herself against the side of the couch to maintain distance from me.

“Perfect timing. I have ingredients today so I can cook some curry for dinner,” Uncle Shige walks to the kitchen and Ayumi offers to help him. Once they are out of earshot I say,

“How do they know each other?”

I ask the question to myself, but Nozomi finally breaks her silence.

“Ayumi said he was an alumni of their university. She met him through a charity project of their club,” she says without looking at me.

"Is that so? Uncle loves doing charity work, so that makes sense.”

She still looks upset.

“Nozomi,” I say, but she hugs her knees and turns her back on me. “What are you upset about? I’m fine now. I collapsed because I haven’t had enough sleep. The doctor said my head is fine and he didn’t think I have a concussion.”

“You didn’t tell me that you’re working part-time in a café.”

"I’m only meant to work in my uncle’s café until the end of my summer break, so I thought it wasn’t necessary to tell you.”

Finally she turns to face me and says, “But you pick me up at work every night. You even meet me at the station in the morning sometimes. Then you work on your projects at night. I’m happy that you make time for me, but now I feel guilty because I’m adding to your burdens.”

"What are you saying? It’s my choice to meet you every day.”

“But you can also tell me if you feel tired and we can’t meet for the day. You don’t have to oblige yourself to meet me every day. You didn’t even tell me about your sleep problem. You don’t have to sacrifice a day of rest for me. I’d rather go home alone than have you collapsing in front of me. What if you collapsed in the middle of a street? At the station? What if—”

Her tears starts falling again. I pull her to an embrace and let her cry on my chest.

She’s not the reason for my lack of sleep, but she’s right about how I feel obliged to see her every day. At the back of my head, I’m afraid that we’ll drift apart as instantly as we get along if I don’t see her every day. I know we can communicate through video calls and messages. I know that, but the fear still whispers loudly to me. The past is still holding me captive.

I gently caress her hair until she calms down for a bit.

“Listen, you’re not a burden and will never be a burden to me. My lack of sleep has nothing to do with any activity that I do every day. In fact, I try to do as much activity as possible to tire myself so I can sleep at night. I guess I went too far this time. As for meeting you every day, perhaps that’s just me trying hard to please you. I’m scared to lose you.”

She lifts her head to look at me. Her eyes are a bit swollen from crying, but she looks at me with empathy. She wipes her tears and cups my face with her hands. 

“I understand, but you don’t have to go overboard with your efforts to make me stay. I’ll always be here with you even if we don’t see each other for months or years. We can always communicate in different ways. If I can send a message to you through an owl, I’ll do that just so I can tell you that you will always have a place to go home to. I’ll always be here to accept you with open arms. So please, take care of yourself.”

I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them roll down. It’s not because I’m afraid to show my weakness. She has cried so much today, and I feel like she’ll cry again if I show her my tears. I believe her words, and that is all that she needs to know.

With a lack of words to say, I plant a kiss on her mouth. In a few days of being together, I figured out that she gets flustered with sweet words and compliments, but she is never shy about accepting affection through action. It’s like she finds it difficult to process words, so it is easier to explain through action.

After the kiss, she finally smiles the way she always does. She is still in my arms, and she leans comfortably on my body.

“From now on, can we be more open with each other? It’s not like I want you to tell me everything. We still need to have boundaries, of course. But, if you have a problem, please tell me. If you can’t tell me everything right away, that’s fine. At least give me a hint so that I can be there for you. I’ll wait for you to tell me. I don’t have the solution to everything, but we can figure it out together,” Nozomi says timidly.

She’s so sweet and caring; I don’t know what I did to deserve her. Maybe I don’t deserve her, but I’ll do my best to become deserving of her affection.

“Okay, but I expect you to do the same.”

I gently caress her cheeks with my thumb, then kiss her forehead.

“I also want you to tell me whenever I make a mistake so I can correct it and prevent myself from doing it again. I’ll do my best to protect you and make you happy.”

She nods and hugs me tight.

There’s no need to rush. From now on, we’ll take one little step at a time and cherish every step that we make together.

***

Author's note: 

This chapter came from the bottom of my emotional heart. ;^;) You deserve a warm and loving support no matter what you're going through. <33