The Best Evil Boss

Vega takes good care of her workers. They get full benefits, dental, health insurance, you name it. She pays them a fair amount and is always generous with holiday bonuses. The overall work environment is very relaxed, with a sizable rec room and a pantry that’s always filled with snacks for the taking.

As I learn more about her, I find myself comparing her more with a philanthropist than a traditional villain.

“She’s like the Robin Hood of evil villains,” Cobalt tells me. “Two weeks ago she orchestrated a heist to steal some huge weapons from Dr. Doomster. Not really sure what he was planning to use them for, but it couldn’t have been good. Especially when they were created by a guy with that kind of name.”

I shake my head. “All of this…Sounds good? So why does the organization want her out of the picture?”

Cobalt makes a face. “Well, uh, thing is, she ended up using the weapon to blackmail a bunch of politicians. I mean, they were all terrible politicians, as most of them tend to be, but y’know…A crime’s a crime.”

I sigh. “What did she bargain for?”

“Mostly good stuff, actually,” Cobalt says with a brighter expression, “Like better pay for teachers, more resources to be spent on things like parks and public spaces…and a law that lets her overrule whatever law she wants if she doesn’t agree with it. Which sometimes leads to good things and sometimes leads to, uh, really weird things. Though they’re pretty harmless, for the most part.”

“Okay…Weird how?”

“Making it illegal to do flash mobs.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask, but why?”

“Apparently she had a bad experience with them as a kid. I didn’t press because it didn’t look like she wanted to talk about it."

I shake my head in disbelief and decide to just look over Vega’s file again.

“Wait, it says here that she’s wanted for terrorism. I thought you said she doesn’t like using violent methods?”

Cobalt nods with a look of consternation. “She, uh, may have caused a really big scene at an airport once. And she may have attacked a number of police officers during that episode. And she may have brandished some not so legal weapons and yelled out some profanities within earshot of a bunch of young kids.”

Welp, there goes my positive image of Vega.

“What made her go off like that?” I ask.

“TSA wouldn’t let her bring her pet crocodile on board.”

I raise an eyebrow. “This sounds like the kind of thing that should have made national news.”

“She’s rich,” Cobalt says, and oddly enough, it explains enough. Money talks.

“She’s also very serious in her pursuit for world domination.”

I nearly choke on my coffee.

“Her what?!”

Cobalt nods solemnly. “Yeah, apparently it’s been her dream since she was a little girl.”

Most little girls dream of things like becoming princesses or riding ponies. Apparently this little girl wanted to take over the world. She really is a villain.

Then Cobalt starts delving into Vega’s backstory, which he’d gleaned from a number of different sources, ranging from rookies to longtime workers.

Vega’s family often struggled financially for years with barely a penny to their name. So Vega made it her goal to study as hard as she could to ensure a comfortable future for her family. A future where she would be the world leader and her parents would never know hunger again. I can at least appreciate the sentiment, even if Vega’s line of thinking is incredibly misguided.

Her studying paid off and she was granted a full ride to her university of choice. After finally graduating, she made sure to utilize all of her knowledge towards…her childhood dream of world domination. It didn’t take long for her to make a name for herself, masterminding incredible inventions and being awarded a number of grants, prizes, and lots of money.

Her parents, for their part, are none the wiser to their daughter’s villainous deeds.

“You should see the place whenever her parents come to visit,” Cobalt tells me with a wry smile, “we have to scramble all over the place to make it look like a normal office before they arrive. And Vega is an absolute mess during all of it. She doesn’t calm down until she’s sure her parents have exited the building.”

As it turns out, Vega isn’t even her real name. It’s the much more decidedly normal Mary Smith. Vega was a name that she adopted as part of her villain persona, but to her parents, she’ll always be their “little lamby Mary”, as Cobalt so eloquently put it.

So far, what I’ve learned is that Vega is, as her file stated, very unpredictable. And kind of unhinged. And while she’s a good boss, Cobalt states that she’s definitely not the type of person you want to make an enemy out of, as some of her rival villains have found out the hard way.

I ask for more details regarding that, but instead of explaining it to me, Cobalt just takes out a couple of pictures and…Yep, a picture’s worth a thousand words, as they say. I make a mental note to be careful myself. I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of what Vega did to those guys.

Vega usually avoids using violence, but there are some situations where she deems it unavoidable. These photos are proof of that.

As I’m trying to put the pieces together in order to get a better understanding of my target, I find myself asking, “Just what exactly does she plan to accomplish after she become a dictator?”

Cobalt shrugs his head. “Yeah, I asked her once and she told me she’d cross that bridge when she got there.”

“What?! This is her childhood dream! How does she not have it all planned out yet?!”

“Honestly, I think she’s just kind of winging it right now. I think she just mostly gets a kick out of living a double life. One time she spent three hours in her office practicing her evil laugh.”

“That’s…something. How is her evil laugh?”

“Pretty good, actually. She could give any comic book villain a run for their money.”

So all that practicing is paying off. Good for her, I guess. I can see Cobalt still has more that he wants to say, but I quickly stop him. He can’t see from where he’s seated, but behind him the very subject of our conversation has just entered the diner.

And she isn’t alone. She’s with my sister.