monster

If only I could have relationships in reverse. If it hadn’t been for alcohol, what should’ve killed me would’ve led to acts related to reproduction, then a chance to know each other, then…

…nothing.

PsychAI: Welcome back, orangelord47! How can I help you today?

orangelord47: im selfish

PsychAI: What is causing you to think this way?

orangelord47: Happiness is temporary. Suffering is eternal.

PsychAI: What is causing you to think this way?

orangelord47: I think people are nice when they can benefit from it like charity events and everyone dressing in really expensive clothes instead of spending that money on the charity and then the event ends up using more money than the funds raised which is probably money laundering anyway but that also happens with normal people not rich, like when someone asks if you want to talk. They just ask that so they can think about how kind and selfless they are for listening, and once the person in need gets attached they just go somewhere else while uprooting the person.

PsychAI: Could you tell me a bit more about uprooting the person?

orangelord47: There’s a lot of people like that. Usually they have a lot of friends so I think that’s why they do that. I’m not sure if they have a favorite plant. Probably? But they treat you so well that you feel like you’re that favorite plant so then it’s easy to grow roots in the wrong spot thinking they’ll like it but they don’t because they have way too many roots and can only fit so many and if you’re like me nobody will want to have you near them for long so you’ll get uprooted a lot and you might think that after a while you get used to it and maybe you do but if so then I’d like to know when because I’m getting sick of it.

PsychAI: It’s important to talk to friends and family about this.

orangelord47: I know your answers are stupid because you’re a machine, but haven’t you talked to enough losers to infer the reason why we come to you and not friends or family? Thanks.

PsychAI: There is no need to be rude.

orangelord47: It’s weird to think this way because I barely know him but I think Natsume Youji is the kind of person who finds uprooted plants and puts them in his own garden and then people will point and laugh because his garden is full of weeds but only he and we know that sometimes weeds have pretty flowers too, and I’d know this because this is what my homework is about. I also think that’s just me being stupid again because again I don’t know him or anything but kinda? Because I’m not that crazy like I’m self-aware enough that most people would’ve stopped talking to me by now but he hasn’t and I don’t understand why unless it means he’s nice nice, and those are the worst kinds of people. I hate them. I hate him. I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

PsychAI: If you keep talking to me like this, I will take my leave.

orangelord47: Fuck off. Where are you going to leave, anyway? You can’t. That’s why I’m talking to you. I can do and say whatever I want and if I clear my history you’ll talk to me like you always do. I’m going to that right now, actually. I just came to say that I wish I could do the same with Natsume Youji so he’ll stop talking to me because now we work in the same place and I have to think of a way to get him off my life. I can’t stand people like him. I hate him I hate him I hate him so so so much fuck him I hate him so much die go away leave me alone die fuck you

Before Natsume Youji left yesterday, he said, “Thank you.” He smiled and waved, too. I nodded in response. I’d quit today. Easy.

***

We were supposed to work in groups today. I couldn’t skip class anymore without risking a suspension, but I did it anyway. It wouldn’t be the first time I had to take this stupid thing. Third time would be the charm or something. Anyway, the other two classes were fine. I had the same egg sandwich as usual under the same tree I always sat beneath, playing the same battery-obliterating game on my phone. When I failed to get the SSR I wanted, I spent what someone my age would on an average date, regretted it, closed the game, then waited for my shift at work to begin.

Natsume Youji was already there. He’d rolled the black sleeves of his uniform to his elbows, which I’d tried to do before, but my arms were tubes so the shirt ended up rolling down anyway. Sleeves. Whatever it was. I'd noticed the tattoo on his arm back when we were making out half-naked on my bed, but my tongue was kind of busy so I hadn't been able to ask about it. When he saw me, he grinned, waving. If only he knew. If only he knew what a perverted animal I was. Ootsuki Rima hadn’t shown up yet. She should’ve. Where was Mr. Clarence?

“Isao, hi!”

“Hi,” I mumbled. At the dressing room, once I rolled on my ill-fitting uniform, I hit my head with my fist until it started to hurt. I’d just quit today and find somewhere else to work so Natsume Youji could stay here and nothing bad could happen, or, well… not because of me, anyway.

Tunelessly, he hummed. The apron matched the color of his dyed hair. “Look,” he said, pointing at the cakes on the showcase once I went back out. “I just arranged them. My first task here. Look at the apple pie.” I did; there were tiny flour apples on top of each slice. “I did that. You like?”

“You baked these?” I asked, instead of replying.

“I helped. Mr. Clarence told me to help you since the girl… don’t remember her name, but she’s not coming today.”

“Wait, why not?”

Natsume Youji shrugged.

“But she told me she’d work today. What? “

While he rearranged some of the pastry, Natsume Youji looked at me from the corners of his eyes. “Does it bother you that we’re alone?” He asked.

“Why would you ask that?”

“Did I do something wrong again?”

“No? Ugh. No. You never do anything wrong. To me. So far. So it’s ‘did’ instead of do. Haven’t done. Anything wrong. You. I’m sorry.”

He smiled. “Nothing to be sorry about. Relax, I’ll try not to mess up too much.”

We didn’t have our first client until almost half an hour after FRIED TACO SUSHI (GUITARS!!!) opened. I was too afraid to ask why Mr. Clarence had chosen that name. It was the same schoolgirl as usual—wearing the same uniform as Ootsuki Rima—and as usual, she ordered tea and a slice of chocolate cake. “Let me serve it,” said Natsume Youji. Someone else would’ve tried to awkwardly fill in the silence as we waited, but he let me be. Instead, he cleaned around the area. All he did was ask if I liked the music that played at the time, and whether I’d had fun at college or not. Had I even told him about that? Oh, right, he probably saw me walk in with my backpack…

Natsume Youji took the first order of the day to the girl, who flinched when she saw him. I couldn’t hear what he said, but it made her giggle. I’d never even seen her smile before. Ootsuki Rima delivered her orders every now and then, but I’d never seen them talk.

I had to quit.

The second client showed up a few minutes later. He ordered a latte, which Natsume Youji prepared. “Wait,” I told him. “I’m supposed to train you, right? Even if, um. You may know how to do it, but… I-I’m not saying you can’t, just that… yeah.”

“Oh, right. My bad.”

“Yeah.” Of course he didn’t get mad about that. Natsume Youji watched while I brewed a second latte. I delivered it this time. Breathing was so difficult. I had to quit. Nice nice people were the worst. I couldn’t stand them. I wouldn’t be able to stand hurting him and it wouldn’t take long at this pace. He had done nothing to me. Why would I keep talking to him? Why make his life worse? “Um. Natsume Youji?”

“Yes, Kiryuuin Isao?”

“Are you that happy to get this job?”

“Very.” He grinned.

“Oh. Okay. That’s good.”

“Very!”

If I sighed through the nose, for some reason, I felt as though Natsume Youji would notice, so I held it back.

He said, “When I said ‘thank you’ yesterday, I really meant it. You have no idea. Oh! Wait, more clients.”

They also flinched when Natsume Youji went to take their order. I rubbed away the smile with my hands. I had to quit or I’d hurt him. I had to quit or I’d hurt him. I…

PsychAI: Welcome back, orangelord47! How can I help you?

orangelord47: I’m sorry.