I Wanted You to Read it, More than Anyone

The snow hasn't stopped all week. I watched it out of my window last night, wrapped in every jacket and blanket that I had (not very many), as the flakes floated toward the ground, covering everything in a fluffy white blanket. For those who rarely get snow, it's beautiful. For us who live in the cold north, it's annoying. Our cars (not that I have one) get buried in two meters of snow multiple times a year and public transportation stops- but our jobs don't. So I had to trudge through a solid half-meter of snow to get to the Kyoudai Mart, stock shelves for precisely seven-and-a-half hours (no overtime for us wage slaves) and then slosh through the rapidly melting ice on the way home. By the time I made it, my feet were soaked. Thank God I bought a new heater- for the first time in months, my apartment was finally warm. If I hadn't, I probably would have ended up with frostbite or something. At least it would be free to get my toes amputated. Thanks, health insurance. See, silver linings in everything.

I couldn't bring myself to write today. I know I probably should be putting out a new chapter. My novel has been gaining some more momentum recently. At chapter 7, I had 124 views, 1 favorite, and 1 comment. At chapter 20, I now have 1750 views, 125 favorites, and 6 more comments from users not named Seigo Kurokami. I've been posting more frequently- Kurokami said that keeping up your momentum with a regular posting schedule is a good idea, so I've been trying to put out a chapter twice a week. I know I should be writing right now, or I'll miss my deadline. And the deadline for finishing the story to submit to the contest is in about a month. I should be preparing to wrap it up, drawing everything to a satisfying conclusion.

...But I don't feel like it. Instead, I'm just clicking away at BSO, fighting the same raid boss I've fought about a thousand times. I'm not even paying attention at this point. I could beat the Elder High Demon in my sleep.

I can't write, because without Kurokami I'm totally lost. I didn't realize just how much she had helped me. Every single suggestion she made worked wonders for my novel. It's now sitting at around the 401st-most-viewed novel on the site this week. Not exactly great, but better than it was. Now it seems like there are a few more people who are interested in following Alfred's story every time I post a new chapter- but without Kurokami's feedback, I don't know where to go. She would help me figure out how to conclude the fantasy world war arc and get Alfred to make the goddess Pimen reverse his reincarnation curse in a satisfying way. I don't know if I can do it on my own. Left to my own devices, I'll create an ending that won't satisfy anyone, and my hard work will be for nothing. I won't win that ¥1,000,000. I won't win a cent, and I'll be stuck in this shoebox forever.

All because I couldn't stop myself from running my mouth. It was just bad luck that Manago happened to show up Tuesday evening, of all days. And instead of playing it cool, I panicked. I couldn't do anything about it. But I could do something about Hashigami. I should have just apologized- but in that moment, her acting like that was the last straw for me. It's not an excuse. I'm just saying I didn't have much control, blowing up on her like that- and because of it, now she probably won't speak to me ever again.

Ugh. I bury my head in my arms, resting it on the cold wood floor. I don't want to think about that day ever again. I knew a loser like me even breathing the same air as a high school girl as cute as her was impossible. I knew I would find some way to blow it.

A loud noise, blaring through my hundred-yen headphones, snaps me upright and out of my depressive funk. My wolfkin DPS avatar lies dead in front of the Elder High Demon as it quickly picks off the rest of the members of my party.

[renzon222]: DPS ur a fuckin idiot

[renzon222]: Don't go afk in the middle of a raid boss you moron

I can't even be mad. I'm too burned out to care. I slowly close my laptop and just sit on the cold floor with my futon pulled around me, watching the snow drift slowly to the ground outside.

This is how I'm meant to be. Alone. Useless.

I pull myself slowly up from the floor, shedding my outer futon layer and heading over to the cooktop. One flick of the dial later and it lights up with a blue flame. I stand there in front of it, watching until the 500-yen Deiso kettle starts howling, then slowly pour it into a 100-yen cup from the same place. With the cheapest tea I could find. Not matcha, the cheap stuff. Maybe a caffeine hit will finally get me motivated.

I sit back down on the floor, covering myself with my futon and opening my laptop to the blank white page where Chapter 21 will soon go. Turns out Farisa was never in danger of being kidnapped. She faked the whole thing. She knew that Alfred, like all LN protagonists, couldn't resist helping a girl in need. So she staged her own kidnapping, making it seem like troops from the Kingdom of Belgarad had done it, because she knew that an incursion from Belgarad onto the soil of the Republic of Aventum would lead to war between the two powers that had been at each other's throats from the beginning. And when Alfred and his harem went to save Farisa, like she knew they would, they would be led right into her trap. She would sacrifice the girls that she called friends, use her Angelic Code to drain Alfred's demonic essence from him, leaving him powerless, and use her newfound control over the demon hordes to destroy the armies of both Aventum and Belgarad and rule the entire continent as the Empress of the restored Adler Empire, which had fallen so many years ago, as was her birthright as the last surviving member of the fallen royal line. She was not simply the first member of Alfred's harem. Everything that she had done from the very first chapter was done in service of her goals. I didn't plan for that to be the endgame- but it's a brilliant twist all the same.

The tea is bitter as I sip it, burning my tongue slightly. The taste doesn't matter- it's the caffeine content that's important.

I start to write, first slowly, a few words one after the other, and then more, faster and faster, until my story is flowing. When I was first starting, I found it difficult to write for more than a few seconds at a time. I was always thinking about what would come next, but at this point it's like my story writes itself. I already know what I want to happen, so I don't have to think hard about what's coming next. I just let my ideas flow onto the page.

The chapter ends on a cliffhanger. It's Alfred's darkest hour. His loyal friends- Sylvie, the forest elf he rescued from slavery at the hands of the evil Count Zadok, Priscilla, the gentle witch apprentice who had been exiled from her village, and Rachael, the swordfighter from the forest tribe that Alfred had helped gain back their land after exposing the nobles' corruption- all lie on the floor of the ruins of an ancient temple, bleeding out as Farisa stands over their bodies with the angelic lance she used to fell them. Alfred can no longer use any of his demonic bloodline powers- he resurrected himself once before when Count Zadok thought he had killed him and promptly turned the evil count into a bloody smear, but this time it's not an option. He's on the verge of defeat.

It's the kind of ending that will make the wait for the next chapter, to see how Alfred will be saved, unbearable- because in these sorts of stories, good always triumphs over evil.

I couldn't have written something like this without the help of one person. I want her to see it first. She suggested that I should surprise her. So I did.

But that's not going to happen, is it? She hates me. I called her a clueless, sheltered rich idiot to her face. I don't understand women, but it's obvious to me and everyone else on this planet that if you say the things I said to Hashigami to anyone, then whatever relationship you had is over.

Absentmindedly, I open my phone, swiping my finger up on the cracked screen. The last app I had open was LIME. The message I was looking at was from Hashigami. She was the first person who had messaged me in almost a year. No...she was the first friend I had made ever since my life fell apart. When I was around her, I forgot, just briefly, that my life sucked.

And I threw it all away because I was an idiot who had to get the last word instead of just apologizing and moving on.

Is now too late?

Hey, I wanted to say that I'm sorry about Tuesday. I said some things I regret-

That's not it. I hold the backspace key and the message disappears.

I just wanted to let you know that I apologize for everything that happened on Tuesday evening. I enjoyed spending time with you and I-

Too sappy.

I can't find the words that I want to say. My cursor stays blinking on the empty text bubble, just like it did on the document.

...I know how to get through to her.

Chapter 21 rough draft, attached to an email. Sent. The only text is "Here's Chapter 21. You wanted a twist."

It's my apology. She'll know what it means. And I'll know if she accepts it.

The next day, the snow continues to fall, but not as heavily as it has been. Instead, the sky spits out small flurries as I trudge through the white powder to the Kyoudai Mart for my shift, leaving the prints of cheap Unaclo boots behind.

Reflexively, I pull my phone out of my pocket. It's 8:57. I'm still on time.

And I have one new LIME.

@KurokamiSeigo: What a tweest! Lol

Apology accepted. I guess that's what that means.