Alan- What Separated Us

I was sitting on my bench in the classroom, stealing glances at Iva through the corner of my eyes. She sat at her desk, with her phone in her hand, typing messages every now and then. 

It was after a few days since Noah left for Boston, when I came to know that Noah and Iva were exchanging messages. He eventually texted me too, but not as much. Initially, I didn't think much of it. But as days melted into weeks, a nagging feeling crept into me that Iva's starting to distance herself from everyone again. We didn't get to meet up during the summer break, and I just kept wondering how the long break went for her. Did she get to enjoy it this year?

Noah meant so much to her, in a way that I could never match. After Noah left, she didn't talk much about him or herself, and I had accepted that. If her happiness meant keeping a distance, if it meant that beautiful smile remaining on her face, then I would just watch over her from a distance, keeping things as they were... for the best.

Yet, deep within me, something lingered, an unsettling sense, that things were not right. That this couldn't continue. Was Iva genuinely content with the way things were? Was her smile real?

We all harbor desires, aspirations that set us apart. Things we yearn for, dreams we wish to bring to life. But to truly care for someone, to want to cherish their feelings, hold them close... that kindness, strength- it's something we need to build for ourselves. In our own ways. 

Because, to truly love someone, to truly care for someone... one will always need to put those feelings before oneself's.

And that's why, sometimes, I'd never realized it. That kindness, that happiness- to be cherished by someone. After all, it's different for different people.

In the end, it's all so simple, so simple, yet still I'd found it so hard to realize.

Today Iva was absent from school, and while I pondered the reason, Mr. Hayes, during home room class, provided the answer I was looking for. 

"Maybe you guys don't know, but Iva's grandmother fell ill yesterday and was admitted to the hospital. She'll be staying by her side, so she won't be coming to school for some time. Let's pray for the best and hope her grandmother recovers soon."

As soon as classes were over, I hurried to Iva's home. I didn't know what to say to her, or even expect after seeing her, but I couldn't shake they worry I felt for her. In the end, I winded up at her doorstep without thinking anything. But after ringing the bell several times, there was no answer from inside. I was wondering if anyone was home or not, when a neighbour of theirs came walking by.

"Are you here to see the Valentines?"

"Yes, I am. It appears no one's answering, though."

Unfortunately, I had to leave without seeing her, but at least I learned the name of the hospital where Iva's grandmother's admitted. After a quick stop at home for a change of clothes, I made my way to the hospital. 

In the lobby, I met Iva's mother at the reception. She recognized me right away after watching me walking towards her.

She gave a warm yet weary smile. "Aren't you Alan, Iva's friend?"

"Yes. It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Valentine."

Mrs. Valentine retrieved a slip from the receptionist's desk, then turned her attention back to me. "Are you here to check on Iva?"

"Well, you could say that. Mr. Hayes said that Iva's grandmother fell ill, and she didn't come to class today too. It just got me worried, nothing else."

There was something distant dawdling in her eyes, something I couldn't just point at. "Well, Iva's truly her grandma's girl. She kept insisting that she won't leave her side until she gets better."

"She really loves her grandmother, doesn't she?"

Mrs. Valentine then offered to take me to their room. Just outside the room, as she was going to slide the door open, I gently halted her, urging her not to tell about me. Standing at the doorway, I observed Iva as she whispered tenderly into her grandmother's ear. Though I couldn't hear their words, I sensed the deep connection they shared. Although Iva's mother insisted that I go in too, I politely declined. This time with her grandmother was something precious and personal for Iva, and I didn't wish to intrude. I decided to leave the hospital that day, holding onto the hope that Iva's grandmother would recover swiftly and that Iva would return to classes again.

The following day, I returned to the hospital, and as I entered the building, I unexpectedly crossed paths with Iva in the lobby. She looked surprised to see me, as if I had appeared out of thin air.

"Alan, what are you doing here?"

"I heard about your grandmother, and since you weren't coming to school, I got worried..."

"But you didn't have to come all the way here."

"Well, I also noticed you weren't answering your phone," I added. "So, where were you heading just now?"

"I was actually on my way back after grabbing some things from the corner store," she said, showing me the plastic bag in her hands. "Just some tissues and water bottles."

"Iva, let me carry that for you," I offered gently, reaching out towards the bag.

"Oh, it's okay, Alan. I've got it."

She wasn't relenting the grip on the bag, so I tried snatching it away from her. "Just let me help too. It's not a big deal." 

Reluctantly, she handed me the plastic bag, yet the smile afterwards seemed like acknowledging the relief of having one less thing to bear. "Iva, how are you doing, by the way? Are you taking care of yourself too?"

"Alan, what are you saying? I'm absolutely fine." A lie. She seemed lumped, drawing long breaths. It's evident, she's too worried to look at herself even once. But it just says how much her grandmother means to her. She'd always talk about her grandmother's cookies and cakes, and she even brought her cookies for us at school too.

"You should still take some time to rest, Iva," I insisted softly. "Your grandmother will get sad to see you not taking care of yourself."

"Maybe you're right, Alan. Thank you. I'll keep that in mind. While you're here, will you see my grandma before going? She'll be happy to see you too."

"Yeah, I'll do that." 

She guided me to the room, though she doesn't know I'd been there before. As we stepped onto the floor and took a turn down the corridor from the staircase, we saw a group of doctors rushing into her grandmother's room, and Iva's instincts took over.

Without a second thought, she dashed forward, trying to catch a glimpse of what was unfolding inside the room. Meanwhile, attendants were hurriedly pulling a stretcher from the room, her grandmother lying on it. In a flurry, they vanished swiftly through the maze of hospital corridors.

Iva dropped the plastic bag from her hand, but as she was about to run after them, a nurse grabbed hold of her.

"Let go of me!" Iva tried fighting her way through, pushing the nurse off of her.

"Iva, wait..."

She paused for a moment upon hearing my voice, but the nurse's grasp remained firm. They both sank to their knees, the nurse holding Iva tightly.

"Please, wait here," the nurse implored gently. "Your grandmother's condition suddenly deteriorated, and we need to take her to the emergency room."

"Grandma needs me. Please let go of me."

"Please, calm down. Things will be fine, and you'll get to see her again." The nurse reassured, yet Iva kept wailing. Because I could tell, and surely Iva too, that it wasn't the case. That things weren't fine... but no one needed to spell them out. She didn't want to hear it either. 

"Grandma... grandma..." She wept, but the nurse managed to calm her down. Finally, the nurse rose to her feet, gently releasing her grip on Iva. Her hands trembled slightly, as if she couldn't find the right words for even the slightest of her comfort.

As soon as Iva got up, she started walking away, her steps carrying her towards the staircase leading upward.

"Iva, where are you going?" I called out, my voice echoing down the corridor, yet not reaching her. I paced forth, desperate to get a hold of her again. I followed her as she ascended the stairs leading to the rooftop. Reaching the rooftop, I noticed the gate was open, and white sheets hung on the drying racks beneath the warm sun. I scanned the area, passing by a few sheets, until I spotted Iva's feet beneath one of them. She was standing near the railing. She noticed my footsteps, calling my name.

"Alan, don't come near me. Please, go away..." A blanket still separated us, obstructing our view of each other. I could only discern her silhouette against the plain white background. Yet, I knew, she was crying. 

"Why, Iva? Why are you telling me to go away?"

"Can't you tell..." I could feel her voice slowly breaking from inside. "Please, just go away?"

She won't let anyone see it, but on the otherside, were my eyes didn't reach... she's just waiting to fall apart quietly. Waiting for me to leave... holding up just till then.

"I won't! Iva, I won't walk away from here."

"Please, just leave me here alone. I don't want to cry in front of-"

"No, I won't! Iva, I'll stay here with you."

I had reached a breaking point. Tired of feeling powerless. I'm done with falling behind, always watching from afar. Because here she stood, right in front of me. She needed me. I can at least tell that much. I can't leave anything to fate any more. If she isn't happy, I'll be the one to bring her happiness. If she isn't smiling, I'll be the one to make her smile. 

This time, I won't back down. Even if it takes a long time, even if it hurts, I'll push forward. I'm done with standing outside, always a bystander.

Without hesitation, I embraced Iva, the white blanket acting as a translucent barrier between us. Our faces remained hidden, and I could only see her shadow cast upon the fabric. With a gentle touch, my lips brushed against her freckled skin, a kiss she couldn't feel.

"I'm here, Iva. I'll lend you my shoulder, so you can cry all you want." It's what you do after. I've let her care for me for too long. She'd saved me. Just by smiling, by accepting me... the me who thought he'd lived the life of a disappointment up until he met her. And this time, it's my turn.

After a brief pause, her voice trembled, as she continued, "I knew that grandma's condition wouldn't get any better. I knew that... but still, I prayed. I just wanted her to be by my side. I'm not strong face something like this."

"It's ok, Iva. It's fine not to have the courage to face emotions like that. Actually, you shouldn't even have that courage in the first place. Afterall, the important thing is you're here to face them."

"But I'm afraid of losing... everyone... I don't want it."

"It's alright. It's okay to be afraid, but remember, your grandma will always be watching over you. So don't break down now. That's not what your grandmother wants to see after all. You can cry now... but what she wants to see is you smiling, Iva."

If only we could effortlessly understand the feeling of others... but then I wouldn't even be standing here beside her. But not understanding just pushes us apart. Even if all our hopes are lost, I believed that they'll evantually return one day. And it's ture, always... we'll just have to wait... and we will see hope blossom again. Iva stayed in my embrace, her forehead pushed over my shoulder as she cried.