After dinner, I invited Natsuki to my room. Why did you lie to me? I asked, as soon as I closed the door. She sat down on my bed and made herself comfortable.
"Eh", said Natsuki sounding confused. It irritated me even more. After lying to me for weeks she pulls out that confused face.
"You mean why was I late? How did you know I lied!", she said, trying to avoid my gaze. "My friends dressed me up. They wanted me to look cute today. So in front of your parents I lied that I was late because my mom gave me an errand".
"I'm not talking about that, Natsuki". I couldn't hide my annoyance. She noticed.
"Did I do something wrong?", She asked innocently.
"Let me ask you a different question. Are you a girl?", I asked to simplify it. She nodded. I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. Why had I never known or noticed? Was it her flat chest? Was it her voice? Hairstyle? Her dressing sense? I couldn't understand myself or her at that moment.
Why did you lie to me about you being a boy? You know I'm gay, right? I like men, I said. Natsuki's eyes widened. Had she not known? Was she unaware of the fact that I treated her like a man? "What do you mean I lied to you about my gender?", her voice wavered.
Was this supposed to happen to me? The first person I loved, Akira, dated me only to make fun of me. To laugh at me. Because the leader of the bullies asked him to. Now, Natsuki, the second person I loved, is not even my preference. I felt devastated. I wanted to disappear.
"Haruki-san, I– admit I didn't tell you I am a girl but— but I…never once said I was a boy. Moreover, how was I supposed to know that you're gay? You didn't tell me that either", said Natsuki, a tone higher.
"You're making fun of me? Because I'm gay?"
"No. But you should've told me or asked me if I was gay or not"
"You rejected a girl and told me you're not interested in girls. What was I supposed to conclude out of that? And— I don't go around telling people I'm gay. That's not my entire personality, you know", I didn't quite know what I was saying. Words just kept coming out of my mouth.
"I could say the same thing as Haruki-san. I don't go around announcing my gender", her eyes were filled with tears.
"Well, Natsu-chan, you should consider telling people your gender. Your chest is so fucking flat, your hair is short like a boy, you dress up like a man and you want me to add something more? Even your voice sounds like a man's. You should be announcing your gender to save people from falling in love with you, fucking liar", I was sure my words had cut her deeper than a knife. She stood up from the comfortable bed and slapped me. I knew I deserved that slap.
"I–", she said, biting her lips, quivering. I listened to what she was going to say. She couldn't say anything more. She stood up and I opened the door for her.
"After all, we've done together. You still care about whether or not I'm a boy not. I'm sorry, Ishikawa Haruki-san. I'm sorry for being a girl", said Natsuki, in a low voice. She dashed out of the room. I didn't go after her.
Something was wrong with me. I didn't quite understand myself and I lashed out. I am so petty. I lashed out at the person I loved. I'm the worst kind of guy.
I couldn't sleep. I felt guilty for saying bad things to Natsuki but on the other hand, I was mad at her for lying to me.
I shut myself in at home again. Mom didn't call me to accompany her for the hospital visits. She was worried I might meet Akira again. I couldn't take this world anymore. I wanted to disappear. Die. Leave this worthless life. I was tired of love and lies. Of Bullying. Forming ties. Tired of Making friends. Everyone, Everything.
After three weeks of that incident, I decided to come out to my parents. They didn't react much to what I had told them: I am gay. They were pretty okay with the fact that their only son was gay. I have a sibling incoming. Was that the reason why they didn't care much about me? I kept overthinking about that.
"Haruki, what are you planning this year?", I heard one of my relatives say. He was in his early fifties and was known throughout the family to be successful at a young age and so he liked belittling others who were late in achieving success. He was liked by everyone but not me.
"Job", I replied without thinking much and he started inquiring about what kind of job I was searching for and I was in no mood to answer him. My relative didn't give up, he inquired more and more and I only nodded or shook my head. Honestly, I wasn't listening to anything he was saying. I was exhausted by his success and righteous talk.
"But, son, it's okay if you don't fare well. Someone is coming to replace you soon", The only words I heard and mulled over. I went back to my room without countering what he had said.
I remembered Natsuki and how she'd be the first one I'd go to whenever I felt down. I could no longer do that. I had hurt her beyond repair. I started at the clock in my room. I heard it ticking louder and louder.
Tick-Tock.
Tick-Tock.
I jumped out of my bed. Left my room. I was outside the house when I realized I had forgotten my wallet. I went back inside silently to avoid my relatives. I was out again and I ran as fast as I could. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see Natsuki's warm smile. I reached Kisaragi High School within a few minutes. I waited near the school gate. Ten minutes passed by and I didn't see her yet. Twenty minutes. Thirty minutes and I was tired of waiting. I barged into the school. I went straight to the gymnasium.
I was outside and I was overthinking whether I should push it open or leave. Will she hate me even more? Will she forgive me? I didn't expect forgiveness. Before I could decide whether to open it or not. Someone had opened it from the inside. It was a girl. On seeing me she fell into a rage. She held me by my collar and pushed me to the ground. Fortunately, the ground wasn't concrete. But why did this girl push me?
Please log in to leave a comment.