Alan- Finding My Meaning

Iva's grandmother passed away just yesterday. Today, the sky remains draped in a soft, cloudy embrace, with occasional drizzles adding a melancholic touch to the atmosphere. The cemetery felt as if a sombre scene, crowded with people donning black suits and sheltered under umbrellas.

As I walked along the path, the gravestones, marked with crosses, stand in silent tribute to those who rest beneath them. Nearby, a small group of mourners huddles together, their umbrellas forming a protective canopy against the gentle rain. The wet grass glistens like an emerald carpet, offering a sense of comfort amidst the sorrow.

In the distance, there's a tall bell tower, adding to the solemnity of the place. The tombstones are decorated with colourful flowers, like bright white lilies, bringing a touch of hope amidst the sadness. 

The mourners whisper prayers and sing hymns, creating a soothing sound that fills the air. Now and then, the sun peeks through the clouds, offering a ray of light to the gathering, as if providing some comfort. The sound of raindrops falling on the umbrellas adds a gentle rhythm to the scene, as if reminding every one of the ups and downs of life, making everyone reflect on the fleeting nature of life... and the belief in something beyond this world. They say peace lies in the life ahead of this fleeting life here. I wonder how it feels... to be freed from all the problems we have to face every day. There's no doubt why some people chose to end their lives then; a sweet promise like that might've been all they wished for, even if it is beyond them in this life. Maybe I was the same as them too, a me I'd long left behind. 

When I was still lost in reaching the expectations of those around me... and kept failing... I craved for something only I could have made, something which couldn't exist without me. It didn't need to be anything tangible, as long as I could've given it a value in my life. And then I could've started believing that I was still here, present. Maybe it took a really long time for me to find it... and then lose it again... 

I had never believed in second chances. But even then I was saved.

And it was her.

Later, when the funeral was over, I saw Iva and her parents by the cemetery gate, exchanging farewells with the departing guests. It's evident that Iva is struggling to maintain her composure, her emotions teetering on the edge. I approach her, placing my hands gently on her shoulders, offering my support.

"Iva, are you feeling alright?"

Her eyes momentarily avoid mine before she replies, "Alan... it's just... I still can't believe it... can't believe that grandma..."

I placed both my hands this time, forcing her gaze towards me. "I know, it's really hard for you. And you're really trying your best to keep a hold on yourself. But you shouldn't push yourself though." 

"I'm not really pushing myself..." 

"But I can't agree with you. To me, it seems like you're doing your best not to break down now. And it's alright. But when you feel that you're at your limit, you can come to us. We're all here to listen to you." 

"Thanks, Alan." 

"Don't worry. It's not a big deal." 

"But I really mean it. I feel better now after talking to you. Thank you." As she said, her mother came walking our way. 

"Iva, most of the guests have already left. I think you can go home now. We'll handle everything from here." 

"But I want to stay a bit longer." 

"There's no need, Iva. You should get some rest too." 

"Like she said," I added "You need rest too. I'll walk you home, if you don't mind." 

After saying our goodbye, Iva and I headed back towards her house. For the most part of the way back, the two of us didn't speak a word. It's hard to tell what she was thinking then. Maybe reminiscing her time with her grandmother, times which she'll never get back. I'd never know this feeling, the feeling when you lose someone. But I could tell, that she was adrift in a violent ocean of emotions. I wasn't one to pry in that though, it was something only for her to swim through. That's why I remained silent. 

Through my life, I was always bad at realizing when to act up, something I had to pay for a really long time. But right now, I knew it wasn't the time. The only thing I can do now is wait by the shore, and when she's come back here, I can lend her a hand to stand up. 

"Would you like to come inside?" She asked, looking for the keys of the door. 

"I'll get some tea for you." 

"Thanks, but some other day." 

"Okay then, see you later." 

 "Yeah. See you then."

With a warm farewell, she walks inside, as the door closes from the other side. I silently wait, listening to the quiet footfalls slowly fade away, before I start my way back. 

Right when I'd stepped onto the road, someone came rushing towards me from the left out of nowhere. We collide and fall to our knees, and as I look up, I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. "Noah..."

Noah dusted himself off, rising back to his feet. My eyes were fixated on the presence before me, trembling with emotion.

"Alan, it's nice to see you again," he greeted, extending his hand towards me.

I took his hand, standing up, but my mind was flooded with questions. "What are you doing here?"

"Are you thinking you're seeing a ghost?" he smirked.

"No, I mean, why are you back?" The words left my lips hastily, and I wished I had phrased them differently. He seemed lost in thought, contemplating the best way to respond.

"Why? Am I not allowed to come back once in a while?"

Actually no. Deep inside, maybe I did mean what I said. His sudden reappearance felt like my insides were unraveling, and everything would spill out. "Actually, you weren't back during the summer break, so I wasn't expecting you to come now."

"It's been quite some time since I left. Mom insisted that I return to see everyone again. That's all."

For all this time, I had secretly wished that he would never return. Yet here he was, standing in front of Iva's house. Did he come here to see her again?

He let out a long sigh before continuing, "I heard that Iva's grandmother passed away yesterday."

"Yeah. She was in the hospital for about a month. And then yesterday..."

"How's Iva doing? Is she fine?"

"She's trying her best to hold herself together, so don't worry."

"Oh, it's good to hear that. I was actually worried about how she was doing..."

"Well, she's not home right now. I rang the doorbell a few times, but no one answered."

"Maybe they're at the cemetery, I don't know. I should go there then."

"Tell me, Noah," my voice felt heavy, my emotions swirling wildly. "Why do you want to see her?"

"What do you mean, Alan? Why can't I see Iva? Is there a problem?"

"Yeah, there is."

"Then tell me, what is it?"

"Weren't you saying before that you planned on leaving, even that day on the rooftop, that you were going to sever everything between you and Iva? That you'd leave everything behind."

"Yeah, I said that." His eyes drifted downward, avoiding mine.

"Then after running away, why are you still coming back here?"

His eyes remained fixed, deep in thought. Silence hung in the air as he seemed to grapple with his own emotions. What was going on in his mind? What did those eyes see that I couldn't?

"Can't you just leave us as we are? Even after leaving, you kept texting Iva. You knew she still loved you. You knew that... and even after promising her to stay by her side... you left all of us behind, saying it was for the best. Then why can't you just leave us alone? What is it that you want?"

Leave us alone... I never thought I'd have to say that to my friend. Atleast, not Noah...

"That day, when I called Iva at the train station..." He started slowly, his tone subdued. "I remember only calling her. I didn't tell anyone else to come see me, not even my parents. I was supposed to meet her alone... then tell me, what were you doing there that day?" His hands clenched into fists. "How did you know I was there?"

"Isn't that obvious? Iva told me. Is it so strange for a friend to visit you when you're leaving them?"

His voice rose, a hint of anger in his tone. "But I hadn't called you... why did you come then? So that I couldn't have met Iva?"

He had caught onto it. Not like I'd wanted to hide it forever. He, too, deserves to know how pathetic I was then. And how desperate... "Like I'd let you? Tell me, what were you planning to tell her? That you still loved her?"

"Is it any of your concern?" His voice erupted like a raging volcano. "Why do I need to tell you?!"

Yeah, we always end up screaming at each other when it comes to this. We hide so much behind our masks that when they fall off, we're afraid to be hurt. We become disillusioned.

"Is that how you truly cherish the love inside you?"

"What do you mean, Alan?"

"Tell me, weren't you planning on breaking Iva's heart that day? You wanted to be the one who broke everything between you and her. So that she couldn't turn back to you, so that she'd stop loving you... so that she'd start hating you."

"Yeah, so what?!"

"So what?" He said it with no hint of remorse. For all I had known about him, there's no way he could say that without flinching. "What do you mean by that?"

"Didn't you say I was running away? Then does it even matter how I did things... if, in the end, all I did was run away?"

"So that day, when you said... that time will heal everything... you didn't mean that..."

"You're right. I pondered it many times... and each time it seemed like the right thing to do. The only thing I could do."

It felt like we were back on the rooftop that day. Every muscle in my body wanted to throw punches at him. "Then why are you still in contact with her? After thinking it all through, why couldn't you just let go of her? Noah, do you still love her?"

His words hung on his lips. "Do I still love Iva...?"

"Tell me, do you still love her or not?"

He grasped his hands, pressing them against his chest. "During the last summer break, I'd asked something like that to myself too. I wondered, what did Iva mean to me... that day at the train station, to tell you the truth, I was actually relieved that I couldn't see Iva. I really couldn't think of anything else... but I also knew that I wasn't being fair. I was asking for something which was too out of my reach, and upon realizing the inevitability, I chose to run away... so that I won't lose her forvever. My time with Iva was really precious to me. I don't know about her, but if anything, she'd saved me. And I wanted to do the same for her too. In the end, I couldn't even tell if I'd truly loved her or not." 

"W-what are you saying?" 

"Like I said, I was disillusioned by my own feelings. And after realizing that, I stopped texting her last summer break one day." 

So that's why I couldn't get hold of Iva during summer break. I'd let her hurt all alone again...

"You've never given me an answer, Alan... tell me, do you love Iva?"

"Uh-h, how many times do I need to tell you, she's just my prec-"

"I don't want to hear that, Alan!"

"Then what is it that you want me to say?"

"Because you always look at her for who she is. As a women. And you've always treated her like that. Unlike me. When I first saw her, I thought she's weak, has a fragile heart, and that's why I wanted to help her. To stay by her side."

You're wrong, Noah. You're really wrong. Till now, I was totally indifferent to her. I just blindly believed that as everything were, they were enough to keep her happy. I pushed everything on others shoulders, so that I wouldn't have to bear anything later on.

I didn't want her to have any expectations for me, scared that I might not be able to live up to them. "You're wrong, Noah!"

"I'm not in that place right now, Alan. Though there was a time when I was, back when I believed that staying beside her was the meaning of love. I used to think that's what love meant. But I was mistaken. Right from the start, I was mistaken. If I had genuinely loved her, my choices would've been different. I wouldn't be standing before you like this, in this way."

"Then you could've just stayed... love doesn't just burst forth from the first day. It grows over time. It's the same for Iva too, for sure. Even if those feelings weren't of love, but that doesn't mean we can turn them into love. You could've just stayed..."

"That's a tall order for me though, Alan. I remember telling you once, I don't go well with my father.In fact, it's been a constant struggle. However composed I may have appeared outside, at school or elsewhere, enduring life under the same roof with him, within those walls... it was beyond what I could bear."

That's another aspect of him I had remained unaware of. "But you never shared any of this with us. How could we have known?"

"What about you, Alan? It's not like you go around telling us about yourself. We're all guilty of it... all in the same boat..."

"So, what's your point?"

"I just want to know how I truly feel about Iva. And I want her to accept my true feelings, not as love, but as a friend. That's all I want."

"Then tell her... tell her everything you told me now. Don't leave her hanging like this any longer. She's already suffered a lot."

"Not now..."

"But why? Didn't you say earlier that you wanted to see her?"

"I had truly planned to tell her everything today. But after talking to you, I realized, that I still don't know how to tell it to her. Let alone, whether I'll be able to or not. Maybe I'll hurt her again. Maybe not now, but when the time comes... for sure, when I'll be able to face her and myself, I won't run away that time."