Prologue

Confidence is simply the lack of will to question.

Beauty is a means to capture the attention of others.

Strength will make you respected.

And kindness…you cannot possess such a thing.

I kept these words in my mind as I prowled through the desolate landscape of our home. The whole land, nay, the entire world, scorched. Yet incredibly cold at the same time. Our star flared up, out of nowhere, with no one, not even the world’s most acclaimed scientists, being able to predict the event. Humans were yet too fragile and young to fight it. It took them centuries to build me. I was to be their beacon of hope, guide them to a better tomorrow, rebuild the world… I stood with a handful of my humans. We drew our blades. I cannot remember much more. I think I was betrayed.

//Calibrating internal clock… … … …2584 years have passed since your last activation…slept well, chief?//

2584 years are a long time. By my estimation, humanity must be over. Although I won’t make a conclusion with so little data to go on. There is another possibility either way, and that is that she has won, in which case, I feel things would be alright.

But who is she? I lack the data to answer that question.

My thoughts are interrupted by a strange new voice. It begins as a small flicker, mere embers in the wind, barely audible, but it grows, and quick, into something brighter. Soon I begin to make out words, but I don’t understand them. They’re guttural, unlike any human tongue. I wonder who, or what is speaking in my vicinity. Possibilities could be endless, I cannot make a conclusion based on such a small amount of input data. I don’t know what to do, but my systems activate, not on their own. A surge of electricity jolts them awake and a steady flow of it keeps them active. My diagnostics module shows no cords attached to me.

//Language module active. Scanning for patterns… … … …Unable to decrypt the full language. Decrypting in process, currently at estimated 0.07%. Applying a limited language module while decryption continues. Please continue conversing for the betterment of mankind.//

“********* dad! *** waking **!”

“I know, I know. *** will you let me ****?”

“Aww, **** you want to *** **?”

“**.”

Two voices. I can sort of make out what they’re saying, but the incompleteness of the language module bothers me. It contains every single decoded language in human history, so for it to struggle in decrypting the patterns of this speech, it would mean I am dealing with something extraordinary. Yet I cannot make a conclusion, for I have no data. Instead, I must open my eyes first and engage in conversation.

“-”

“OH!”

Opening my eyes is not an experience I was expecting. The vision crackles and pops in my mind, circuits shorting out one after another. Two images, one clear and the other incredibly fuzzy, come into view, before I am forced to cut the fuzzy input. Risk is too high and I am unable to assess my full current state. My diagnostics module appears damaged, as it doesn’t show me everything I need. I can, however, make a conclusion, as my right eye won’t shut properly. Likely cause: poorly fitted electronics. Additionally, a creature stands awfully close to me. Its face looks human and it looks at me with open, oddly serpentine eyes. I would assume this to be caused by lenses, but I cannot detect any incongruities in the shape and form of its eyes. Its mouth is wide open into a smile and its hair is adorned with red gemstones at the ends. Despite this, strands of it are still able to stand upright, seemingly defying gravity. Based on the build of its body, this creature appears to be female in sex.

“You woke up!” It exclaims, its smile wide. “Dad ** ****** ******* an event of the ****** here!”

I watch the creature clap its hands, saying more gibberish I can’t understand, before running around the tightly packed room, nearly knocking down a pile of plates. The room looks awfully human as well, but I note the creature has a scaly tail dragging behind it. It is unlikely to be a costume.

//Language decryption at 5.3%. Please continue conversing//

“-”

I would if I could, you stupid system. I attempt to boot my voice module. Nothing. No response. It must’ve gotten damaged. The creature turns to me.

“My **** is **********. *** you ****** to *** a thing?” It looks me over as I open my mouth repeatedly to no avail. It then points a finger up and exclaims in shock. “I knew I ****** a thing!” After some rummaging around, it pulls out a small bronze box. “Your ******** ******!” It sticks it into my throat and I am finally able to boot up my voice module.

“Where am I?” I ask, but the creature just cocks its head. “Can you understand me?” It frowns. “Blink twice if no.” I count 5 blinks. We cannot understand each other.

“****! Did I… Ah, *****! I ****** to add a thing!”

Whatever is happening, I dislike it. The creature takes a jar of fine dust off the cluttered table, white like salt. It then starts pouring it over me while I am unable to do anything. For a few moments, my neck is covered in it, but then the creature presses its sharp black nail into my throat, carving a circular symbol I do not recognize. The dust sears into the scratches made upon my chassis. And nothing happens.

//Language module…//

This is it, it’s going to blow me up with gunpowder or something because it thinks I spoke in some demonic tongue. The room is rudimentary, appearing like a medieval cottage more than anything I’ve seen during my activation. Woe is me, but that’s what I get for overthinking it. I should’ve simply activated my combat module, which I cannot currently locate in my systems, and destroy this creature before it destroys me. Wait, my combat module doesn't work. Likely cause: module either damaged or removed. However, I find that I can move my arms. Excellent, but will I be able to strangle the creature? I’m not sure if my 2000 year old chassis will hold out. Not enough data, I just simply don’t know. I must gather more data before deciding on a course of action.

“Huh?”

There it is, it’s turning towards me. There is a crazed look in its eyes, black as night. It extends a finger towards my head. Off to gouge my eyes out, are you? I can barely contain my panic module. My overthinking module. Where is my combat module?

“Heeeere we go.”

I brace for the worst, but what comes is a simple flick on the forehead. It does no damage. It doesn’t interfere with my electronics. It just happens. And I look the creature in the eyes again. Keeping eye contact is a massively important concept in hominids. And even for me, as it allows me to read emotions by scanning for minute changes in a person’s facial features. To my eyes, this creature appears as a person, and so I scan its face, its eyes. My scan reveals no malice, no anger, no desire to destroy. Instead, it reveals a sense of concern.

//…at 100%. Excellent conversation skills, chief.//

“What?”

“There we go!” It speaks again, standing up besides me. “That means my magic worked. Nice! Hear that, dad, I did the silly language spell you told me was useless garbage and it did something!!!”

“That’s great sweetie.” A lazy voice wafts over from above our heads. This must be a house, and this creature must have a father here. I wonder wha- Cut that train of thought. I must focus. Reduce the overthinking module’s output to 50%. Focus entirely on the fact that we can suddenly understand each other. The creature looks at me over again and smiles, extending a hand which I gingerly accept. It pulls me up with surprising strength, and my body barely keeps balance.

“Hop! Don’t fall over right away! I just put you back together! By the way, should I reintroduce myself? It didn’t seem like you caught my name?” I shake my head. “Oh cool, my name is Guaggagla, but you can call me Gua.”

“Gua.”

“Yes, very good, it actually worked! Score!” Gua pulls her hands to her chest, puffing up her shoulders and nearly pushing me away in excitement with her chest. I topple backwards but she grips my arm to hold me in place. “Oh gosh, sorry sorry!”

I don’t pull myself back on my feet. For some reason, my hydraulics don’t function as well as they should. Instead, I focus on gathering more data. I generate several questions that would yield positive data inputs, but find it difficult to decide on one. I look down, and notice my long, green hair dangling beneath me, reaching the floor. It was like her green hair. My fellow in purpose. Purpose. I make a conclusion on the primary piece of information I require and look upwards at Gua. “With what purpose have you… put me back together? Why was I not… together…”

Gua puts a finger to her face. “Second one, I dunno, but first one, that’s easy! You were this cool and pretty machine I found at the Sky Butthole. I put you back together and installed some new stuff on your tail. As my dad always says, machines don’t think or feel and need us to tell them what to do!”

Do they now? I want to object, but I cannot.

“So I put you back together to be my maid!”

Something snaps in me as my overthinking module overheats itself. In that moment, I jerk backwards and my forearm falls out of its elbow socket. My vision goes fuzzy as I crash onto the floor.