Forever in Darkness

[Present Day]

For almost the rest of the morning, my body hid under the blankets of my bed while I texted with Tai back-and-forth. It had been so long since I last conversed with someone over text; I couldn’t even remember. My eyes stayed glued to my phone screen within the darkness. Bits of light seeped through small openings between my blanket and the bedframe, so I adjusted everything to ensure no light was passing through.

Then, I continued my next text: [So don’t worry, I’ll just talk to my aunt about it when she’s home.]

And after a few minutes of waiting, Tai replied back: [Okay. Thanks again for understanding. Please, we’ll do everything we can to make the service better for you the next time you come in.]

“Ouch!” I shouted as my phone slammed into my face after accidentally dropping it while holding it up. Lying on my back against the bed wasn’t exactly my favorite pastime since I spent most hours in my room anyway, but this time, it felt different.

Wait, am I actually having fun right now…? The mere thought forced me up, uncovering my eyes from the brightness outside. I could feel my pupils struggling to adjust - just how long was I under the cover for?

Another ding rang from my phone, and I swiped it to read the text. I frowned upon seeing it was from my aunt instead of Tai: [Rin, how are you doing? Everything in the house okay? Did you mail the letter like I told you to? 🙂]

Despite the smiley emoji, I could only sigh and dive deep in thought. How do I tell her that I ran into the exact people she was complaining about, right when I was about to mail her letter out?

I gulped but replied with honesty: [No I didn’t, but I actually -]

Ding!

Before I could finish my reply and hit send, Tai pinged me with another message - one that I absolutely wasn’t expecting: [By the way, do you still make art? It said on your business card you did a lot of that stuff! I actually had another friend who’s a big fan of the company you used to work for. She loves asking for commissions, actually. Do you take any by chance?]

I wasted no time in jumping over to his conversation from my aunts, almost forgetting about the reply I had yet to send to her.

[Yes, I do. What is the request?]

A long period of silence followed after my question. I sat there on my bed with half of my blanket collecting dust off the floor. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the chat for even a second, until finally -

[A full colored drawing of… Ena, our hairstylist that you ran into yesterday. I know it feels incredibly awkward to draw her after everything she did to you, but please consider this out of respect for your art 🙂.]

At first, my beaming grin dissipated, but the more I processed his message, the more I caressed my chin with my hands. Afterall, this was still a money opportunity, and perhaps my aunt could patch up her broken relationship with Ena afterward.

As well as a friend? I thought. No, that’s too soon, and I still feel uncomfortable seeing any of them again.

I hopped off my bed and landed into my desk chair. I could almost see sparkles in my eyes within the monitor reflection before my screen turned on. A strange surge of excitement built up within me; no, perhaps it had dwelled within me long before that. It was my first art commission in almost a month - and this time, it was someone I had met in-person.

[Sure, please send me a photo of her that I can use as reference.]

I could hardly contain my smile. This was the perfect opportunity for my level of social anxiety: I could establish a good relationship with a fan, earn some money, and avoid stepping outside.

But wait…

I glanced down at my phone and browsed through all the messages I had with Tai. This was only going to be a business transaction, but shouldn’t I get to know Tai and Ena more?

Are they in a relationship? If not, why does Tai help out at her salon?

Before my mind spiraled into those strings of thoughts, a Twitter notification popped-up on my computer screen, catching my eyes with an interesting message from a random follower: [Hi, do you still do commissions? If so, my girlfriend and I…]

I found my hand moving my mouse cursor to the message, clicking it subconsciously to read the full message: [Hi, do you still do commissions? If so, my girlfriend and I would love one of us together! Please let us know and we’ll send you a photo of us. We’re willing to pay a high price for high quality art!]

I stood up, kicking my chair back in the process. My mind was in a whirlwind; I couldn’t remember the last time I had this much demand at once.

Calm down, Rin! I slapped my cheeks. It’s only two commission requests.

I replied, asking for the art description and the photo. I’ll charge 10,000 yen here, since I’m drawing two people.

My eyebrows shot up upon their immediate reply: Fantastic, here it is!

A photo appeared in the chat, depicting a young-looking man and woman together on some sort of boat. The photo was almost perfect by itself: the water behind them could only have been the ocean, since not a single spec of land could be found in the background. Not to mention that clear blue sky with only a single cloud made sure the focus was just one the couple, who tightly held each other’s waists like all couples did in their photos.

But while the photo was perfect for me to draw, my mind grew blank, and my stomach turned.

That man…! He looks so familiar!

I double-clicked on the photo to get a closer look. The more I stared, the more my heart sank. Without a doubt, this man - who went by the name of Aoki - was one of my coworkers back at my game company, Hundred.

And he definitely remembers me, but does he know my true identity?

The chances were slim; since my Twitter profile didn’t actually show my true name, perhaps he didn’t know who I actually was. The last thing I’d ever wish for was to meet anyone affiliated with my former team - the one led by my evil old man.

My eyes then darted to his girlfriend in the photo. She sported jean shorts, a cute pink crop top, and a sports cap. Damn, she looks both pretty and cool. Too bad I’m a hikikomori. I’m going to die single, aren’t I?

Without eating anything for the rest of the day, my hands worked tirelessly on my art commissions without stopping until dusk arrived, forcing me to flick on my lamp. Constant thoughts about earlier continued plaguing my mind. I had to shake them off every time.

I’m just a failure, aren’t I?

My iPad pen dropped to the floor. I sat back in my chair and peeked up at my ceiling.

Will I be a hikikomori forever?

Why does society hate us so much?

What did I do to ever deserve this life?

Where can I even go to feel accepted by…

Endless tears flowed down my cheeks and soaked into my shirt. I didn’t bother with the tissues or even just wiping my face with my bare hands. The last time I cried this much was probably that time my aunt caught me unleashing my sorrow in her bathroom, five years ago.

Despite having worked on Tai and Ena’s request for the last few hours, the image of Aoki and his girlfriend still lingered in my head rent-free.

Was it because no one will ever love me?

Or because he reminds me of my dad’s company?

In truth, it was definitely a mix of both.