A Glimpse of Home

Sugar really worked to calm me down as it turned out.

This method was employed several times over the course of however long it took for Cyan to explain and demonstrate every single thing kept in that vast area of space; taking me from table to cabinet to shelving unit to chest, each filled with a different gadget I could use ‘if I so chose to’.

Once I got a better handle on things, I’m sure it would be incredibly convenient to have all the options but -since I was nowhere near that point- I was closer to finding myself swimming in indecision with all the choices there were instead of feeling happy I had creative freedom in the workplace. i.e., I was drowning in customization.

“So! Any questions?”

“Uh-”

Yes. No; probably -absolutely- yes but I couldn’t for the life of me think of one at that specific moment.

“Yeah… it’s kinda a lot, isn’t it.”

She hummed sympathetically, wings slowing for a moment before they continued to buzz at normal speed.

“You’ll get there, I promise, no one knew how to do anything when they first came to Oeuvre; we all had to learn just like you are now!”

Sure, but that still didn’t mean I felt any better being the one currently having to learn it all. Regardless…

“I guess that’s true… thanks Cyan, I suppose I’m having a hard time not allowing myself to just stay overwhelmed– no, I don’t want another candy, thanks though.”

“You sure, Birdie? You’re looking awfully pale again…”

I stopped her hands before she could pinch my cheeks again, taking a step back for safety and smiling at the way she pouted; arms crossed over her chest with an almost audible ‘hmph!’

Before we were allowed to leave the practice area, Cyan tasked me with repeating the general gist of what each item did; after which we moved on to what she called the ‘monitoring’ phase.

Apparently, this would take longer than the ‘gadget phase’ since there were a couple layers to it. The first being what the Fairy referred to as a ‘Visit’; capital ‘V’ so I knew it must mean something important.

I couldn't tell if I was excited or highly intimidated by those words; probably a healthy amount of both.

We landed through another cloud wall, a door behind us and a vast amount of building in front as I quickly walked after Cyan’s rapidly departing figure; the fairy continued to chatter as if I had been right next to her the whole time.

I could see other people -other Heralds- bustling around us, some accompanied by wide eyed, nervously curious looking individuals who I assumed were new just like I was. Even though I was distantly aware I wasn’t the only newcomer to Oeuvre, it still gave me comfort to know that I really wasn’t the only one tasked with the massive undertaking that was this.

“Before we move on… how are you feeling? Do you need rest or food before we continue?”

I was caught off guard by the question but dutifully took the moment to pause and take stock of myself; monitored my achiness and previously throbbing headache that had now dulled to a tolerable level of stuffiness in my nasals.

“I think… I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?”

The balance between trepidation and excitement I had spoken about before was weighing closer to intimidation by the moment. I wasn’t going to have to fight anything, right? The monitoring stage included me, it didn’t mean that I was the thing being monitored, right?

“Y-Yep.”

Another door was opened and closed as Cyan pulled me along behind her, an abrasive bright light making me squint as I tried to acclimate to the abrupt change.

All the lighting on Oeuvre was a perfect hybrid between natural and fluorescent; the sharpness of sunlight being tapered by a dimmable glow completely opposite to the clinical feeling white LED bulbs gave off.

Like a fluffy blanket opposed to sandpaper, being exposed to light that was incandescently sharp was nearly enough to make my stomach turn; hands shading my eyes as I very slowly began to unscrunch my face enough to see Cyan’s blurry figure in front of me.

“Here we are…”

The aforementioned ‘here’ was…

I completely froze, eyes widening despite the brightness being only just tolerable to my retinas.

We were home.

I was home.

“Cyan, this is–”

“Earth. Roughly around the time of your departure.”

“This is–where are we?”

“...Earth, roughly around the time of-”

“No no-I mean…”

I whipped my head around, spotted gravel pathways hedged in by arborvitae, wilted flowers, and large engraved stones–oh.

“We… we’re at a cemetery?”

My voice reduced to a whisper, automatically lowering my volume in respect for the deceased people around us and potential family coming to visit. Cyan didn’t seem to share my personal reverence but had adopted a distantly respectful air, wings fluttering slowly and head bowed as she led us past a column of stones and drew us towards a gathering of people.

I went easily with an eager increase of my pace but slowed almost immediately when I sensed Cyan’s mood, carefully turning to look at her with a bewildered expression. I hadn’t seen her this calm since I’d met her and it invoked a very strange feeling that was increasingly unsettling.

Her hand rested gently on my shoulder, barely big enough to cover the area as my chest tightened nervously at the careful look in her scarlet eyes; I didn’t know what to expect even if I prepared myself for the worst but I wasn’t particularly looking forward to finding out.

I had the creeping feeling that I didn’t want to move closer to the people anymore.

I looked to Cyan for direction, living up to the baby bird moniker I had earned with a wide eyed expression and mounting apprehension; my cluelessness didn’t need to be verbally expressed for her to answer.

“We’ve come to collect their goodbyes in person… they’d want for you to hear them.”

She lowered her voice, gently urging me forward with a soft push and tender tilt of her head directed at the procession of people gathered around the… grave.

I began to recognize the people as we moved closer.

“Deep breaths, Birdie.”

My siblings, my friends, coworkers, even a few of my old schoolmates; a neighbor I had befriended by sharing the excess fruit my mother had brought me and the owner of a small food stall I frequented.

They were all here for me. My death.

I could hear them whispering, some louder than others. Matching the words to the correct person was challenging since they all overlapped.

I could hardly see their mouths moving in time to their words, although maybe these kinds were not the ones said out loud; maybe I could hear them only because they were meant for me.

“Can… can you hear them?”

My voice was soft, fragile like the thinnest pane of glass.

Cyan shook her head, I could see her fiery hair move with her from the corner of my eye even though I couldn’t seem to pull my gaze away from the people in front of us.

“No… their goodbyes are yours to hear.”

I couldn't say what they were thinking, not out loud anyway; like hearing a language you could speak but not write. You could understand what was being said but you’d never be able to replicate the words themselves; only the intent.

I could feel what they were saying to me, my chest squeezed with emotion as I watched the people I held dear water the earth with salt as they mourned around a stone with my name on it; flowers and incense being placed delicately around the shiny headstone in a physical manifestation of their remorse.

They couldn’t hear me when I fell to my knees to join them and I was thankful only Cyan was there to witness my tears.

She held me as I grieved, distraught and angry and overwhelmed as my hands ached from where my nails pressed valleys into my palms.

So I’m really dead.

“...come on Birdie, it's time.”

Cyan urged me gently back to standing once I had hiccupped and shivered myself into pathetic exhaustion, tiny fingers carefully brushing the gravel and dust from my hands so I wouldn’t immediately smudge it onto my face when I inevitably went to wipe at my cheeks.

“Why-” I sniffed, rubbing at my eyes in an attempt to clear them. “Why would you show me this?”

It felt uncharacteristically cruel when compared with what I had experienced so far with Jun and Cyan previously, dangling all I had lost right in front of me but just out of reach when I was still so raw from everything; it stung like something close to a betrayal.

The Fairy brushed some dandelion fluff from my hair in a soothing, fidgety gesture, eyes watery and distressed as she flicked her attention from me to the funeral procession with a concerned look.

“It… usually it’s comforting to see the people who care about you after you’re gone, it’s nice to know that you meant something to someone. I’m sorry, Jin, I wouldn't have shown this to you yet if I–hearing their words is an assurance that they’ll be alright but I know that it’s so much to take in….”

She looked genuinely upset, taking my hand when I offered it and gripping it tightly as her lower lip trembled, dangerously close to tears of her own. A ribbon of guilt threaded through my ribs at my previous accusatory thoughts, it wasn’t fair of me to hold my anger against Cyan when she was doing her best to help me and it couldn’t be easy for her to witness no matter how many times she had done this.

“V-Visits only exist to help find some… some-”

“Closure.”

I cleared my throat, dipping my head into a nod as I took in a slow, shaky breath and squeezed my fingers around hers.

That made sense, I wasn’t mad at her particularly just… at all of it.

And… I was sad, I hadn’t realized how sad I was. I didn’t think it had sunk in until now that I was truly gone; that I wouldn’t ever be able to talk to any of my family or friends again because I was dead.

Cyan held my arm supportingly tight between hers when I asked if we could stay for a little bit longer, never once letting go of my hand as I watched each person disperse from the group and disappear down the gravel pathway until they were swallowed up by darkness.

Eventually, we were alone in the cemetery and I looked up to stare at the familiar blue sky filled with swirls of wispy white clouds; neither of us said anything after that and simply watched as the sky was gradually painted with color before it, too, grew dark.