Everything Is Not Okay!

As I looked at my empty plate, which once hosted a delicious rice and fried egg with ketchup, I began to wear my school coat, held my bag with ‘pride’ and off I went. Once I stepped out, the sunlight pretty much burst my eyeballs. It was… definitely, a strange thing to witness. I mean, from my neighbour’s point of view, it must’ve seemed like I was possessed. Honestly, what do you expect? It was the first time that I had left the house since last school year. Which was a month ago. Hands-on heart, you will hear a lot of complaining, because I believe that’s easily my best skill. Honestly, if I could put this in a metaphor, I’m the… actually, I’m just going to stop this attempt to create a metaphor, just imagine it yourself.

Have you ever wondered what other people think about you? If you say no, you’re a liar, and if you say yes, you’re too self-centred. And what about people who ask that question? I think they're too busy trying to kill time, whilst on a boring, lonely and silent walk on the way to school. Oh look! It appears that if I walk too slowly, I’ll be late to the homeroom. This is an incredible discovery I’ve made! Sorry but, Einstein, I’ll be taking your spot very soon. Wait, that sounds like I’m going to die and replace Einstein’s spot somewhere. See, even my internal comments don’t make any sense.

Whatever, I’m only a few minutes away from school.

You might already think that I’m going to be bombarding you with complaints already and it’s literally morning. How on earth can I make something so ‘tranquil’ and ‘peaceful’ like dawn and begin to create an onslaught of complaints like a machine. I’ll tell you how. It’s called ‘renewable negativity’, and it’s very similar to the term ‘renewable resources’ that you learn in school and it’s almost as if that’s the inspiration. Renewable negativity works like this, you look within yourself and you immediately become pessimistic. That’s exactly it, nothing else, nothing more.

If you were to ask for an explanation, it’s probably because the mind is a pool of negative thoughts, some assume that those thoughts are violent in nature although, most of it is, well… I’m not going any further nor delve on those thoughts - they exist. Maybe some of you readers can add two and two and guess correctly what those thoughts are. Whatever. Leaving off the tangent, the whole point is that this negativity breeds more negativity. Keeping this cycle in anyone will end up with someone like me, a jaded human who believes that putting any effort into anything is laughable and anyone who puts that effort should be viewed with distrust. Sorry to anyone who puts in effort, but that is genuinely what I believe in.

And there it was, the most familiar corner that shows I’m at school. As I approached that corner, I turned to my left. In my immediate field of view was the school sign and the largest school building. It was always a rather recognisable, yet imposing, sight. School. The word, to me, itself is chilling. For me, it represents an idea that is poles apart from what I stand for. The ‘antithesis to my philosophy’ in pretentious words. As I passed by the gate, Mr Minetaka looked at me with some incredibly cold eyes, I could feel the weight of his stern view. I knew something was up.

I don’t know if you know this but Tadakuni Minetaka is a terrifying person. He’s probably taller than most people and he’s built. Seriously. He’s probably twice my weight and around campus, they call him Minetaur. I shouldn’t mess with this guy, but I’m feeling reckless and need some entertainment. Perhaps I should press his buttons?

“Minetaka-sensei, why are you angry?”

“You’ll see later in homeroom.”

Sheesh. What sternness.

“Would you like to... add some detail at least?”

“No. I think it’s best to leave you in the dark.”

Great. There’s many things I hate but I have a special place in my heart for uncertainty. If there’s one thing most people do not have the time for, it’s that. Would you feel safe relaxing on the beach or would you feel safer on the shaking and unsturdy boat, that’s being rowed by someone with casts on both arms? I’ll take it that your answer is (hopefully) the first option. Mr. Minetaka is playing with psychological warfare. I shouldn’t have pressed him.

As I sigh, perhaps relief from the fact that the situation didn’t escalate, I noticed a familiar scent. The scent diffused throughout the room, I’m certain that everyone could smell it. My mind finally linked up the scent with a certain somebody: Erina Takanishi. Nishi-chan. She is the only person I have ever used that honorific on, and for good reason. I’ve literally known her since I was born. We were both born in the same hospital ward and both our parents were friends with each other. Who was the neighbour looking at me as the sun struck my eyes down?

It was her as well.

I sincerely hope she didn’t see me as the sun made me crawl into the fetal position. Please. I also believe that the school considers her the best looking girl or whatever, but I really don’t care about that.

“Good mornin’ Honzo-chan!”

Oh dear, oh dear, she used that honorific on my name. Shit.

“Uh… good morning Takanishi.”

It seems good right now. A bit too successful!

And that’s how our interactions go in school. She says her greetings and goes on to speak to her friends. I’d like to think it’s an open secret that she’s friends with me as my ‘claim to fame’ in this school, but considering that I often hear people comment when they see my name:

“What type of name is Honzo?”

Following that, I guess I’m stuck to being a nobody. There’s a certain charm to being me. Anyways, as I enter Class 2’s room, ready for a dull day, I spot a quick seat change. Saeka Sadayuki is sitting on my seat. The incredibly beautiful Saeka. There’s no way I can meander this without seeming like a pervert, but she has a… seemingly large chest. And I mean that with no ill-will for I am many things, but a sexual deviant is NOT on that list. But I digress, there are more important things at hand, for example, where am I going to sit down to sleep? If I can’t do that, then I’m going to fall asleep in every single lesson. In the softest tone I can, I said:

“Excuse me, Saeka-san, but you’re sitting on my seat. Can I sit there?”

Then Saeka responded.

“Can you please let me sit here just for today! Honzo, please!”

Oh my god. Even her voice seems a little… tantalising. It’s like she flirts with everyone. Perhaps I’ve been too deprived of actual communication with real people.

“I mean... I don’t mind particularly but why are you sitting on my seat?”

“Just ’cause.”

“That doesn’t strike me as a very strong reason, Saeka. Whatever, it’s not a big deal to m-“

Tatsuya, the one who usually sits next to me, closes my mouth and clearly gestures for me and him to talk outside in the corridor.

“I beg you!”

Huh?

“Please let her sit there for the day!”

I thought you and I were friendly with each other? Do you want to kick me out? Or are you delusional? You think you and Saeka are compatible or something?

“It’s fine but at least tell me why.”

“Saeka-san said that she had something important to tell me! And that she needs to sit there for the day, please!”

So there it is. I’ve been kicked out of the seat I was given to, for, get this:

No reason.

I wish I was joking. That seat was incredible. It had the window view, whilst not being too forward nor backward. It was dead on centre. Perfect. Someone could even say it was beautiful how the stars aligned for me. Considering how timid I am, this isn’t just a temporary seat change, Saeka is going to sit there for as long as she wants. It’s fully out of my control. I mustered as much strength as I had (not much) and attempted to speak to Tatsuya.

“It’s fine.”

No, it isn’t.

As soon as l said that, our homeroom teacher came in, he stormed in. Minetaka-sensei.

I know what you are thinking dear reader. Whether you're male, female, non-binary or even outside the need for gender - this entire setup seems like a romcom? Maybe you are correct. It’s not hard to see it. If this were any narrative - 9/10 it would be a romcom. But I don’t know how this is going to end. I wish deeply that I know how it all ends. Many people do not want their lives to be determined, well… I do.

Let me give you a small thought. Many physicists say that time travel is impossible - there exist multiple paradoxes! The grandfather paradox or just the sheer fact that cause-and-effect is gone! That’s good for me! I view the need for stability and I detest risk. They say time could be seen as eternalism or presentism or whatever -ism. However time structures itself, in the end it’s all a mere conversational topic. A little off hand thing to talk about!

Why bring it up? Because Minetaka-sensei is a science teacher. His uni degree is in physics.

Physics.

Physical!

Shit - we have PE! I need to get into my gym clothes later. I hate changing clothes. My greatest insecurity, as of now, is being seen in my gym attire. To put it this way, I’m 180cm and weigh 59kg. Yeah. From those stats alone, you can tell I don’t have the best body type.

And as I entertain myself with my thoughts, a certain person comes up. It’s Saeka’s best friend.

Nakanami Sayako.

“Hanzo! How are you!”

“It’s not Hanzo. Honzo”

She always calls me Hanzo. Sayako knows it's not my name. I think it’s just a cute pet name or nickname to her but I am proud of my name. One thing about Sayako, is that she’s someone that I can speak to with ease.

Genuinely, it is shocking how all my insecurities and all my faults just seem to… go away. Any self doubt or hypercriticality that I have kinda… goes away. I’m comfortable with her and Yusuke. Also, Tatsuya.

“Hanzo… are you okay?”

Huh? Where did that come from?

“Well - you look down. You’ve kind of lost a spark in you - if that makes sense! Sorry if it came out wrong!”

She gives off a small laughter - probably trying to soften what she just said.

I get it. I was not like this. I used to be talkative, actually.

But this was back in primary to junior high. We’re 16 or 17 now. Ancient history. I’m trying to come up with a response that isn’t ‘don’t worry!’

But… I can’t.

I wish I could explain what’s wrong with me.

But I won’t! I’m just going to brush it off! You see dear reader, sometimes in life it’s not really worth pursuing the deeper reasons. It’s entirely possible my brain decided to just say let’s be depressing. Perhaps it one day thought ‘Hmm… let’s be a downer.’ You can read all the Kierkegaard novels in the world - you won’t find the meaning to anything. Crisis is a next man’s opportunity.

And just as I say that.

“Class 2-B. Welcome back to the new school year! I’d like you all to choose your class representatives. Student council elections for some positions are coming up! You’re free to nominate yourself!”

All around me, I can hear the slight murmurs saying Nishi-chan should’ve been in our class so she can be a representative. Like a mere mascot or symbol.

To hell with that. I will be the class representative. All I need to do is nominate myself and-

Nakanami Sayako stood up.

We shared a glance. It was when I knew. This was a preemptive attack on me! In other words, she prevented me from standing up knowing I do not want to confront anyone over a position as a lowly ‘class representative’. I am totally not upset or hurt. My ego is stronger than ever.

Maybe this is purgatory? Doomed to suffer this school life from my actions in a past life? Sayako is a nice person. So, why did she feel the need to prevent me from doing that? I’m asking a lot of questions but, at the end of the day, it is me who has to answer them. Yes, I get it, my dear reader, another negative thought but it’s unfathomably hard to stop these thoughts. I may be slightly smart but I have little to no control over my thoughts. Powerless.

“Sayako? Are you sure?”

“Yes Sensei! I would like to do it!”

I’m not sure I've described Sayako but it’s a fair assessment to call her gorgeous. She’s akin to a porcelain doll. Pale as one too. She stood with elegance above us lower classmates. It’s a miracle she’s best friends with Saeka and even good friends with me. However, I would like to point out that she has a two-faced personality. She’s really Queen Otaku. In fact - this whole façade in school is nowhere how she’s really like. It’s partly why I feel comfortable with her, although I'm sure people would not enjoy hanging out with someone who is living a double life. I do think she actually cares for my well-being. Quite startlingly, she’s similar to my mother. That earlier conversation between me and her is a good example of this. You know what? I actually admire her.

As I look to my right, I see Tatsuya sleeping. Isn’t it literally the first day of this new school year?

Surprisingly, Tatsuya wears his heart on his sleeve. A very obvious man. But well - that’s what I like about him. Other than the fact that he’s a traitor and sold me out for a chair seat. Unforgivable. Unless he plays Apex with me after school. Then his microaggression will be forgiven. I would wake him up… but I would like to see the Minetaur scream at his unconscious face.

Anyways, all this description and mental discussion is really ignoring the fact that I must make a decision. Should I stand as class rep? I just called it ‘lowly’ a few minutes ago. You know what. I’ll stand up. At least a fourth of this class has heard of me, right? And above all I’m so charming that I can easily get people to vote for me as the pair! Let’s go!

I stood up.

Minetaka-sensei gave a… well… he gave a look shall we say.

He seemed slightly frustrated. I noticed his raised eyebrows first before he responded to me standing up.

“Actually Honzo, you have been allocated a different role. You can’t be class rep I’m afraid.”

I couldn’t even respond. I just lowly said:

“I see then.”

Sensei, probably noticing the sense of disappointment, decided to add even more.

“Look, Honzo-kun. This is what I was going to talk about earlier. We can discuss it after-school to be honest. Is that ok?”

“Yes.”

My class all looked at me. It was like I was an alien. An object. Not even a part of the class. It’s only the first day and people are already thinking of kicking me out. Firstly, I’ve lost my seat since 1st Year, and now it seems even Sensei has it out for me. I've just got to get by. No therapist can tell me that this is just me reacting badly.

“Honzo, are you ok?”

Huh? Saeka?

“Yeah, I’m fine just a bit… well tired.”

“Don’t worry about it! I’m sure Sensei won’t be hard on you.”

“I hope so.”