Myself

I remained in his arms; my breathing heavy... I only had the courage to act now! I turned towards him with great movement.

“I like you! You're super cute and I uh... can’t stop thinking of you! My mind is filled with you, and only you! I’ve been unable to stop! I can’t live in such a state, I think of you highly! You’re simply perfection! I adore you! I admire every breath you breathe, every step you take, every mumble you annunciate! Everything! Everything surrounding the concept of yourself is pleasant to myself, you please my heart and soothe my soul!” I said such in great volume, hoping he’d wake.

He shifted.

His eyes were open.

He was awake.

“What? What are you talking about?” His voice seemed irritated.

 Perhaps he had been sleeping well? If he had... that only affirmed the glimpse of conceptual comfort he could feel around me... that only furthered my wish of acceptance...

“I like you! You’re very being questions the boundaries between humanity and holiness!” I shouted.

He remained silent, he turned onto his back, he lay... pondering... perhaps... I lay in anticipation. He couldn’t possibly think of me in such fashion! He must think I'm strange, maybe he even hates me! Perhaps he wants me dead! Perhaps he’d kill me now! He’d dislodge my heart and feast on my pain, suffering perhaps!

He remained silent, then in sudden movement had turned to me. He still lay sleepily. He looked straight at me, pushing himself closer to me, closer... closer... till our faces only shared a barrier of one centimeter. I was nervous, of course I was! I hadn’t expected such a reaction! I merely thought quick rejection to be sufficient. My breathing was unstable, blood rushing throughout my body. Finally, he closed the barrier.

He kissed me, suddenly, passionately, and for quite the span of time. I had no experience in such a field! What could I possibly fear when his lips were so soft... and he had no stench... all left to do was attempt to reciprocate his actions.

I did. I kissed him back, we remained that way for a while, both caught up in our actions. Once our lips parted, I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. My thoughts of this moment would never cease, I didn’t want this! I didn’t! I really didn’t! I was upset, distraught. Nothing had gone my way. Everything was amiss, my plans... everything! Tears of my own began to fall.

Through my sniffles, he hugged me once again. He wrapped his arms around me. I was so comfortable, I wasn’t scared. I wanted this, I always wanted this. I couldn’t deem myself worthy of such affection from him. I wasn’t deserving. I shed tears of greater volume, I cried. I sobbed, I wept, I wailed. The shelter of mind I kept for years was wrecked, along with everything present in its interior. Reconstruction wasn’t possible, I could never live how I had before.

 Exposed to reality beyond myself, I never wanted this. I could manage the way I was myself. I was happy, happy enough. I found joy within myself, though myself and only myself wasn’t sufficient any longer, I needed more. I wanted more.