Everything Is Not Okay!

Minoru-san signalled me towards him. A few of the students looked at us. Certainly, a few of them thought it was suspicious that the ‘talkative loner’ is with the star boy. I agree with those hypothetical people. Sayako gave me a sympathetic stare. I wish you were here with me. Minoru was shorter than me by a few centimetres. If I were to estimate - 174cm. Yet, it felt like he was towering over me in some other realm of reality or beyond that. He signalled me to follow him towards the canteen.

I’m going to be frank. Minoru was majestic. I really mean that. But he has definitely faced his own demons. There was something poignant about him now that I am walking up close to him. It seemed like he had an insurmountable feeling of loss that encapsulated his soul. Strangely, his walk seemed to betray the sense of loss and rather portray strength. You might wonder how on earth did I understand that from just a few minutes of observing him? Truthfully, I have no hard evidence. But I do know loss. Just seeing Minoru reminded me of my uncle who lost his family. It was horrifying. The eyes, the sheer timidness of his fine motor movements just remind me all too well about my uncle. It’s uncannily similar. That loss affected me too, but imagine for him? I don’t want to dwell too much on that, as it also hurts for me.

As Minoru realized we were on our own in our lonely corner, he dropped the confident act. He became… perhaps more anxious or paranoid? I’d say a mixture of both, to be honest. Then, he began to explain to me why he wanted to talk with me.

“I know that Minetaka-sensei wants to talk to us on Friday. He says that you have a mental health problem, blah blah, all the same to me. Can I just ask you a favour to just not mention what I suffer from to anyone in school? That’s it.”

He said it defiantly and stringently. It lent me a sense of sympathy for him. Certainly, an impression. I agreed.

After all, other than a few people outside of school, I haven’t really disclosed to anyone I suffer from depersonalization. Let alone the fact that I actually suffer from episodes during class. The number of people that know that is quite literally zero. Only I know that I suffer from acute episodes. Thankfully, those episodes tend to fix themselves, and I’m just hoping an episode doesn’t strike me down so badly.

“Wasn’t going to tell anyone, but don’t worry Minoru-san. I don’t want anyone to know about what I suffer from either.”

I could keenly sense Minoru’s relief. He clearly was a little tense over the whole thing. Could athletes even feel tension? Then again, everyone is human. We sat at our tables. I think he had just realized that we never had ever talked until now. Cue the awkward silence. Since he left so abruptly from our lesson, he didn’t know where his friends were, and he seemed to have left his phone in class. Wow. Talk about cluelessness.

Then I noticed he was trying to say something. It was scary to see how the Minoru of our class became even more introverted than I was. I waited patiently. It’s not hard to understand that it was more mentally hard for Minoru to say the sentence than it was physically. Work hard Minoru-san! I’m with you… spiritually.

“Fukaze-san. I suffer from PTSD. My mother was killed in a shooting in the United States. My uncles are in prison for murder back home. I’m not really going to talk about it anymore. I told Minetaka-sensei that my issue is more culture shock due to identifying more as a Cambodian from America. That’s a lie. I’ve been in and out this nation since I was 12 years old.”

I don’t know how to react mentally without being insensitive. Obviously, I feel sorrow and sympathy for him. I’m not going to ask anymore because I just don’t want to go further in depth with that. Same time, surely this is quite a vulnerable thing to say to someone that… you don’t really know? Maybe because we don’t know each other that he feels more comfortable disclosing this? Certainly, he felt even more relief. Maybe I’m the first student of this school to know of this? Probably.

With my half-eaten store bento pushed to my side, I postponed eating. I asked the shielded Minoru, have you even told anyone in this school? He replied saying I am the only person who knows. Then, he explained that he told the truth because he was going to lie to Minetaka about his problems in the meeting. He nipped it in the bud. Secondly, he explained that he didn’t want to go his entire school life without telling anyone. Silly silly. You could have gone throughout school without ever disclosing it to anyone and feel no regret. Just like I do! I totally don’t fear freeze when I realise I’m alone surrounded by people.

Well, who am I to judge someone who’s lost his mother and his relatives to death and prison. My issue is still not minor, but it does put things into perspective. Although I'm not going to make this a trauma competition, I can recognize that some aspects of my issues are technically self-harm, and his situation is worse.

“But anyways Fukaze-san. Don’t talk to me in school and don’t really discuss this unless I come up to you. I 100% didn’t want you to know and whilst I’ve been cordial, I don’t really like you.”

There goes my sympathy. Who trauma dumps on someone only to, mere moments, later state they don’t like them? Sheesh.

Then I stood up holding my bento.

“Alright then, Minoru-san. Have it your way. I won’t tell and I’m sorry you had to struggle. I hope it’s a good day for you.”

There’s no point engaging in someone when they openly admit to disliking you. It wasn’t surprising since he was guarded the entire time in comparison to how he is in class. I assumed this was because of the subject matter, but honestly it was because he didn’t want to talk to me. Fine. I don’t care anyways.

I headed towards Tatsuya in class. He’s usually there, right?

He wasn’t. I wasn’t alone though. Sayako was there. A comforting presence for me.

“Are you okay Honzo?”

Wow. That’s not good. Sayako usually refers to me as Hanzo. Clearly something must be visibly wrong with me.

“No. No, I am not Sayako.”

I had to continue on.

“I can barely cope with so much going on. Can you please look out for me in the next few days? I’m just tired. I have to navigate through it all, it’s just too much. I don’t want to do anything, anymore.”

Sayako positioned herself towards me. Her mere scent was enough to calm me down. She hugged me from the back. Suddenly, I felt a weird sense of tension but also relaxation. Definitely counterintuitive. I wanted to let it out but it’s far too early in the day to have an episode. She went up to my ears and whispered.

“Do you want me to look out for you this week? You've not been well since we’ve started 2nd Year. and it’s not nice seeing that!”

She then leapt off her chair and stood directly in front of me. Her figure is just there, so dominantly beautiful.

“Silly Hanzo.”

Of course, it’s not nice.

Thank God no-one is in this class, otherwise I would’ve been so self-conscious that I would’ve immediately cured my depersonalization episodes. Or the opposite, maybe I’d have a crazy attack. I don’t know how it works or triggers.

“Now we know who would’ve been a better class rep between us two.” I jokingly remarked.

“Maybe… but you know Hanzo, you’re actually kinder than what you give yourself credit for. I don’t know what you’re going through but you know a lot of people in school actually think of you highly.”

“I don’t really know what to say to you, Sayako. But to answer your question, yes, please look over me for a few days.”

“Wait. I said that?”

She stood there in disbelief realizing that… she did, in fact, say that a few seconds ago. Maybe she… I mean I guess that was a Freudian slip.

She was fumbling with her words a lot.

“You know, I didn’t expect you to agree to that.”

Everything is not okay. Now I have to confront my tactile defensiveness and loneliness? I only just finished comprehending that she hugged me for a few seconds. I hate affectionate actions; they just make me so uncomfortable because I am insecure with myself. I can’t imagine anyone taking their time out to feel for me. But you have to confront the obvious. I’m pretty sure Sayako likes me to a certain extent, but to which level?

“I didn’t either Sayako… actually I think I was going to reject you. Sometimes I do things that aren’t in sync- ah you know what, I don’t think any of us would care.”

“Umm… I was interested in what you were going to say.”

“Maybe I’ll tell you what I was about to say. It’s nothing to be honest.”

“I’ll be waiting then.”

You’ll know one day Sayako-chan. I plan on telling people one day.

“It’s nearly the end of lunch? Want to go to the next lesson now?”

“Of course, Hanzo!”

The more she calls me Hanzo, the more I’m starting to think my actual name is Hanzo. It isn’t by the way, my parents really wanted to call me Honzo. Not sure why, we just haven’t had a conversation about the actual reasonings behind me and my sister’s names. However, I’m sure they named my sister Yumi because they wanted her to be beautiful. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

“What up gang!”

Me, heavily confused, had to respond to this greeting. “What up gang? What are you talking about Tatsuya?”

The sudden appearance of Tatsuya. He was one of my close friends, I guess?

“Is it not obvious? Or are you so tall that blood isn’t pumped to your brain quickly?”

“What? That doesn’t even make any sense. I'm not even that tall.”

You know it’s easy to forget that to a lot of people Tatsuya speaks completely out of character to what he looks like. Scruffy and black hair. Big glasses, both lens and frame. And he’s saying shit like “What up gang!”. What a character man, even I, his biggest hater, have to admit he’s pretty funny both intentionally and unintentionally.

“I hope I’m not cockblocking you.”

“I swear Tatsuya you are so stupid man…”

“That’s harsh. Only asking ‘cause you’re with Sayako.”

Sayako, maybe looking a little embarrassed, spoke up. “No one is cockblocking anything Tatsuya.”

She continued.

“Matter of fact, I think I’m cockblocking you two.”

Now’s my chance to weird out Tatsuya!

“Yeah, you are Sayako.” We both said that in sync.

Well damn. Guess we had the same idea. At the very least, I ruined it for him too, although likewise he and me.

I proposed to the group for us to go to class. Well, I was about to. Tatsuya ruined that for me. He won.

“So, guys? Wanna head to class? You know the bell rang a minute ago in the corridors.”

Sure thing. Tatsuya. All three of us walked to class. Peaceful and plentiful of banter. Just like how our normal school days went.