Iva- A Step Forward

As the spotlight fell on us, I became Juliet, and Alan, Romeo. The theatre crackled with an electric energy, and my heart raced as we were preparing for the scenes. In contrast, the time between the scenes was really hectic, darkness descended, curtains gracefully fell, and everyone got busy setting the stage for the next scene.

"Iva, Alan, take your places. Everyone else, off the stage."

It's the scene in Juliet's orchard, my favorite. The opening lines of the scene echoed in my mind. "Wait! What gentle light shines through that window over there? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun."

I took in a deep breath, reminding myself of the beauty of Juliet's lines. They held so much emotion and meaning, and I wanted to do justice to the character that had captivated audiences for centuries.

"Oh, Romeo, Romeo! Why must you be called Romeo? Forget your family and give up your name. Or if you won't do that, just swear your love to me, and I'll no longer be a Capulet."

Love that transcends the trifles of rivaled families, a love that rises above hatred and feuds.

I recited, my heart beating faster with each passing moment. It felt like I was speaking to Alan directly, and the intensity of our eye contact was enough to make my cheeks flush. "Deny your father and give up your name. Or, if you won't do that, just pledge your love to me, and I'll no longer be a Capulet."

As the scene played out, I couldn't shake off the sense of connection to Juliet. Her yearning for Romeo, and the intensity of her love—these feelings resonated deeply within me. With each passing line, I felt myself sinking further into the character's thoughts and emotions.

And I must say, the experience of stepping into someone else's shoes was undeniably delightful. I became fully absorbed in Juliet's pure and lucid emotions, finding solace in the very sensation.

Yet, amidst the lines I delivered, my mind would occasionally seize upon other thoughts. Alan's words lingered in my consciousness—that he had something to tell me after our performance today. That simple statement had lodged itself firmly in my mind, leaving me to ponder endlessly. Strangely, he didn't bring up that topic again, even once. What is it that he wants to tell? And why after our performance?

I haven't heard anything from Noah yet either, adding to the disarray. It's as if everything, even my own thoughts, is caught up in this tangled mess. Everything feels like a chaotic jumble, with knots of confusion hopelessly intertwined.

But in contrast to all that, the love that I felt in Juliet's words was truly soothing. And for a brief moment, I found myself lost in Juliet's monologue again. As if I could feel the weight of her words. "It's only your name that is my enemy. You are still yourself, even if you're not a Montague. What is Montague? It is not a hand, nor a foot, nor an arm, nor a face, nor any other part of a man. Oh, be some other name! What's in a name? A rose would still smell as sweet if we called it by any other name."

A rose would still smell as sweet if we called it by any other name.

"Using a name, I can't properly express who I am. My name, dear saint, is detestable to me because it stands as an obstacle between us. If I could, I would erase that name entirely from existence."

"Then tell me, who you are? Are you Romeo, a Montague, or both?"

"No, fair saint, I am neither if you dislike either of those identities."

It felt like we were really present there in the moonlit night, in the orchard behind Juliet's balcony. The stirring emotions within me became increasingly difficult to brush aside. Juliet and I were slowly becoming one, and the lines between reality and performance blurred. "To be honest, I'll tell you the truth again, my Romeo. And yet, I desire nothing more than what I already possess. My generosity knows no bounds, like the vast sea, and my love is as profound. The more I give to you, the more I have, as both my love and generosity are limitless."

Amidst the captivating exchange of dialogues, the sweet sound of the nurse's call brought the scene to an end, and with a touch of reluctance, I had to step away from Alan, breaking our intense gaze. The applause from the audience erupted, and I could see the satisfaction on their faces. Little did they know that the emotions I portrayed as Juliet were genuine, as I had immersed myself so deeply into the character, investing a part of my very soul into the portrayal.

"O blessed, blessed night! I am afraid. Being in night, all this is but a dream, too flattering-sweet to be substantial."

Even Alan's words, his gaze, they felt so real, as if he meant them beyond the realm of acting.

"Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."

As we exited the stage, Alan and I exchanged a few glances, but we had to part ways momentarily to allow the crew to prepare for the next scene. I made my way backstage, and from a gap in the corner, I watched Alan as he took his place for the next scene. While he performed, I couldn't help but wonder if he, too, experienced the same genuine emotions that I did during our shared moments on stage.

"Allow me to be captured, let me face death; I am willing, if that's what you desire. I'll even claim that the greyish hue in the sky is not the morning's eye but merely the faint reflection of the moon, Cynthia's brow. Likewise, the bird singing high above us is not the lark, whose melodious notes pierce the lofty heavens."

The feud between the two families, the Montagues and the Capulets, ran really deep, and as a result of their shared hatred, Tybalt, Juliet's cousin, fell victim to Romeo's impulsive act. In the end, the city's unyielding law demanded retribution, and Romeo faced banishment.

Within the stillness of the night, Romeo's heart weighed heavy with the weight of fate. In the actual story, these were the fleeting moments left to him, shared with Juliet within the chambers of the Capulet mansion. He's ready to face any peril, prepared to embrace death itself, if that was the path demanded by destiny. In his mind, he transformed the morning's dull greyness into the gentle glow of the moon, and the distant birdsong was but an echo of Juliet's enchanting voice. The world seemed to fade around him, and the only truth he knew was his unyielding devotion to his love.

"Juliet, my love," Alan whispered into the darkness, as if the very air held his presence. "I am willing to face whatever fate awaits, for it is your will that guides my steps. Come what may, I am yours."

We're never able to tell what fate has in store. What we may feel as granted... love... friends. In the midst of the scene, I let my thoughts wander, my voice faltering slightly as I uttered Juliet's lines. "Oh, do you think we will ever meet again?"

"I have no doubt about it; all these hardships we endure now will become sweet memories to talk about in our future time together."

"Oh God, I have a foreboding and ominous feeling! It seems to me that I see you, Romeo, now that you are beneath me, appearing like a lifeless body in the depths of a tomb. Either my eyesight is failing me, or you indeed look pale."

"Believe me, my love, the same can be said of me when I look at you: Dry sorrow drains our life. Farewell, farewell!"

"Parting is such sweet sorrow." echoed in my mind, and I wondered if that was true.

As the scene drew to a close, I clung to Alan, not wanting to let go. "Parting is such sweet sorrow..." I whispered, my voice cracking with emotion. At that moment, I felt the weight of every goodbye I had ever said or received, and it was almost too much to bear.

It's the truth though, goodbyes are hardly sweet.

As the applause erupted from the audience, I mustered a forced smile. Deep inside, I knew that just like happy and fun moments, the scary and sad ones would also come to an end. They always do, even if it's hard to believe at times. I whispered, almost to myself, even though it wasn't on the script. The mic caught my words though. "Please, I won't give up. I don't want to give up..."

A moment of blankness swept over my thoughts. This wasn't part of the script I messed up. For a brief moment, Alan just stared at me, he's sure confused right now. But then, his smile broke through, and I must admit, the glimmer in his eyes at that instant was nothing short of comforting. Like still water.

"Yes, my love... I won't give up either. I will definitely return to you one day."

The next half of the scenes went really fast, and for the last time, the curtains fell, the lights went out, and our play was over. Despite that, my heart was still racing fast, just because of that one moment. Had Alan not come to my rescue, the stage could have transformed into an awkward abyss right then and there.

I went to the backstage, where I saw the screen on my phone lit. It's a message... from Noah. Without hastily tapping on the screen, I took a moment to gather my emotions, and after a few deep breaths, I rushed straight towards the back of the school building, towards the rooftop.

Beneath the moon's gentle glow, the school rooftop becomes a calm rendezvous in the stillness of the night. Leaning against the railing, I felt the cool breeze brushing against my skin, creating an ethereal atmosphere. Finally, I mustered the courage to open Noah's message, though it seemed more like a paragraph than a message. I scanned through the lines one after the other.

Iva, at first I'm sorry to stop messaging you all of a sudden. I know it wasn't the best thing to do, but still... I couldn't find any other option.

I was back in Camden last month, and I really wanted to see you. I had many things to tell you in person, but I couldn't muster the courage, and in the end, I left again without a word.

I'd been wanting to tell it you, but I couldn't find the right words.

I realize how much you love me. And at some point, I may have really fallen the same for you. I don't know though... maybe it's not the right way to say it. When you first talked to me, Iva, I guess you don't know, but it was enough to save me. Before, everyone took me for an oddball, as I was always alone, spending time by myself. And thus they would not come and talk to me either. But I didn't want that. I couldn't tell them that I was lonely, but I still wanted them to come and talk to me. It was during that time, Iva, when you pulled me out from that thick pile of snow. You told me about yourself, and even let me do the same. I was saved, Iva.

With everything I'd been given, the light you showed me, the love you showed me... I wanted you to feel the same too. In the end, I confused myself in thinking that it was love. And then I made the promise to you, even though I knew I couldn't keep it.

But it's alright now. You don't need to forget them, Iva. But don’t give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don’t give up on that. Even if I’m not by your side, it’s still okay. It’s okay. You're not alone anymore too, Iva.

That's how I'd truly felt, Iva. I'm sorry for everything, for being a fool who kept lying to himself... and in turn to you too. All this time, I just wanted to tell you this... thank you for everything.

I brought the phone close to my chest. As if those words were the warmth I'd been looking for. Even though they weren't. But it doesn't matter, Noah. Thank you for loving me too. Even if you couldn't have kept your promise to me, for the time you stayed there with me, that little time saved me too.

Deep within our hearts, we always want to discover the reason for our existence.

And it took me a such long time to realize... it's just a journey. A journey, which we each must embark upon alone. Everyone may have to seek and decide their reason for being, forging a unique path to find their meaning in life. The road ahead may be uncertain, and the reason we seek might appear fleeting, we might even end up losing it the other day, the next year... someday. But as long as we are alive, we must keep on searching.

It was Noah who taught me, that there is no feeling or memory that we should leave behind. I know, just how much it pains. Even then, we should still embrace the uncertainty, because it gives us a chance to create our own reasons to live.

And trust me, in due time, you will find it again. Keeping our spirits alive, keeping our hearts open... for the reason we seek will come to us in its own time.

It's really that simple. The very reason we've been searching for may even have been by our side all along, quietly residing with us, without us ever noticing.

Thank you, Noah. I can push forward now. Thank you.