Hanako Told me her Honest Thoughts

I hesitated to enter through the front door of my apartment. I was frozen in time with my hand on the cold knob. Once I entered, I would have to explain to Hanako how I couldn’t tell the truth.

I had already seen her disappointed expression once, and it pained me to even imagine having to face it again.

“Evening, Master!”

“HHIIIEEE!”

She was behind me.

“What might you be waiting for?”

Every thought swirling in my mind was pushed to the back, replaced by the sheer embarrassment of screeching like a girl in front of my own supposed servant.

“N-nothing! What’re you doing out here?”

I turned to face her, but my attention was caught by her flower-patterned sundress. She was so stunning I took physical damage. Did my sister really buy her that? That sister? With no fashion sense?

“Ehhhh? So you like this kind of outfit?”

She leaned down towards me. The same floral scent rushed downwind into my nose like an attack on my mental stability. The rosy blush painted against her pale cheeks felt so much more innocent, yet seductive.

I was used to seeing this demon in nothing but practically underwear, so how was this any different?

“I- it’s just refreshing to see you in something more modest. That’s all!”

My words probably weren’t very convincing when I couldn’t even manage eye contact.

“Well, it’s the usual underneath though.”

She giggled, while pulling the wide collar of the dress down to reveal her uniform hiding behind it.

The action was at least ten-million times more erotic than how she usually was, despite the fact that she was fully clothed for once.

“W-we’re outside! Don’t do that!”

Jeez, what if somebody else saw her? Even having already seen her practically nude, I was already taking this much damage.

Somebody like Saito would have been K.O.’d on the spot.

“Oops, you’re right! How about we head inside then?”

No, you shouldn’t flash me even if we’re inside.

“D-don’t make it sound like we’re doing something dirty.”

Another giggle from the succubus.

“Hehe, that wasn’t my intention though.”

For three days now, I’ve been coming home to a spotlessly clean apartment. It didn’t feel like something I would be able to get used to. Usually it would be a few weeks in between Koyuki taking the trash bags out, mainly only when they started to block main pathways in and out of the apartment, but this was the first time since we moved in that I had seen the place so open.

Apparently we actually had a decently sized apartment. It was so much brighter too, and smelled like fresh sheets. The windows were open, and Hanako had gotten some scented sticks as well as some cleaning supplies from Daizo.

I was a little worried about shopping alone, but Koyuki gave her the okay to do so as long as she wore something modest.

Apparently Daizo was her favorite place to shop in The Nether too. And yes, they supposedly do have them there.

I was beginning to wonder if “the nether” was just slang for Kagoshima. Or America.

“So how did things go at school today? Did you make up with those two boys?”

She went right to the topic I wanted to avoid. I wondered if she could tell I was distressed.

“I-it went well. We’re on a first name basis now.”

I couldn’t help but feel a bit embarrassed, remembering the cushy scene from yesterday.

“It was a lot of fun talking with them…”

She didn’t say anything as I averted my gaze. Could she tell I was hiding something?

“But, well… I kind of, well, ended up lying… by accident. I ended up telling them you were my-”

Still no response.

“My g-girlfriend… I showed them the picture we took.”

I tried to wait for her several times, and even glanced to check her reaction, but her face was as unreadable as ever. So I ended up adding a little bit more onto the end of my sentence each time until there was nothing left to say.

“S-sorry. Even though I told you I’d apologize and be honest, I ended up using you after all…”

If I could express my guilt before she said anything, perhaps she’d be less upset. That was all I could think about.

I just didn’t want to see that disappointment again. I didn’t know if I could take it.

After a few more deafening moments of silence, her smile suddenly beamed with innocence.

“Well, I’m just glad it worked out without any complications! We always have time to worry about fixing any misunderstandings.”

She… was just fine? Happy, even. And she giggled as she spoke, too.

“I wonder if I’m worthy of such a title–even if it is just for show.”

Her eyelids hung low as she playfully teased me, like I had done nothing wrong to begin with.

Hadn’t I done something wrong? I had, right?

“You… you’re not upset? I thought you’d be disappointed in me.”

“Why would you think so?”

No… what?

Huh? Why did she not get what I was talking about? Did I explain it to her right?

“Well, I lied… And I- well, I used you to make myself look good. You… don’t like to be objectified, right?”

Her smile got even brighter. Blindingly so. She had her hands tucked behind her back as she leaned in towards me.

Demon who? All I could see was an angel of boundless purity and kindness.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was being made fun of somehow.

“What is there that I could possibly be upset about? You made new friends, and it seems like you had such a fun time talking with them too! And you’re thinking of my feelings, even when I’m not there. And on top of that, I was able to help you look cool, and you even bragged about me to these new companions of yours!”

She pressed her face up to her cheeks, as if her smile had gotten so stiff and wide that she had to massage it down.

“Ahh, I’m so full of joy that I don’t know what to do with myself. What shall I do? Should I kiss you on the cheek?”

“Please don’t.”

“Perhaps we should take more pictures to celebrate! You may need more proof for your friends, correct? So it’s fine, isn’t it?”

No.

I did something wrong.

I did something wrong, so I should be scolded for it. That was how these sorts of things went, right? How could I accept myself if I didn’t feel remorseful? If I wasn’t properly told off for it?

I couldn’t look her in the eye.

“Hanako, I don’t… I think you should be upset at me. I don’t get why you’re so happy… I did something really bad, didn’t I?”

I thought that I should be honest. At the risk of killing her good mood, I wanted her to at least know my feelings. It just seemed to me like that was the kind of relationship we had. Perhaps I was getting ahead of myself.

“Oh Shoutarou…”

She leaned in again. But this time, more slowly and carefully. Her arms were still held behind her back. It was a pose that felt restrained.

“You tried your absolute best today. You went so far out of your comfort zone. Overcoming mental hurdles; talking to new people; making new friends. There are so many doors of opportunity that you’ve opened today, purely because of your own efforts.”

“But I didn’t do any of that! I- I chickened out… It all just happened to work out because Kobayashi was so nice…”

“I’m not mistaken, Shoutarou. Even if you failed to accomplish one thing, didn’t you succeed at many others? I believe it would be unfair to look so closely at your mishaps, only to ignore your surrounding accomplishments. Just as the same is true the other way around, wouldn’t you say?”

“So you’re not upset that I used you?”

“Shoutarou, I am simply your servant. To grant your every wish and desire is my greatest joy...”

Such sweet words didn’t make me feel any better.

“But despite that, you don’t like it, right? You don’t like that I used you for my own gain. You’re just being nice about it.”

Hanako was kind. So this sort of act must have been standard for her. Hell, she had been acting the same way towards me all this time. It must have been an act of pity.

I didn’t need it.

Sighhh…

A smooth, audible breath of air escaped her lips, along with her casual smile. It was replaced with a slight look of concern.

Concern for what? For me?

For somebody who seemed to do nothing but smile, it caught me off guard.

“You know, Shoutarou, if you really must know my complete opinion, it’s been quite troublesome, the way you tend to make assumptions about others like that. Even though I’m trying to tell you my direct and honest feelings just like you’ve asked, you still won’t accept them.”

She took on a slightly more serious, albeit still casual tone.

“But that said, I understand that things have been difficult for you thus far. It’s not your fault that you’ve closed off your heart to such an extent.”

And then her smile returned. As if the word “upset” wasn’t even in her vocabulary.

“But despite that unfortunate fact, it’s still entirely up to you to set yourself on the right path from now on.”

Her grin widened.

“And it’s up to me to assist you with that!”

And then softened again.

“But for me to do my best, I must ask for your trust and cooperation. It doesn’t need to be now, or even for a long time. But eventually, one day, I’d like it if you could come to see me as different from the others that have come before.”

Was it really a surprise that I couldn’t be convinced? Certainly not to me. Bluntly put, it felt patronizing. Even the slightest accomplishments; things that should have been normal for anyone; Hanako insisted that they were all these great big feats for me.

“I’ve… never done anything with my life. And I’ve never been passionate about anything either. I can’t keep up with my grades like other students, or talk and make friends like everyone else can. I can’t even express myself properly, and I get bitter when other people accomplish things that I can’t. But I also know it’s just because I’m not trying as hard as everybody else.”

Ahh… I was letting it all out now. There wasn’t really any stopping me at this point. It was all just ranting.

“You keep praising me for every little thing, but I don’t understand why. I can barely even do the things that everybody else considers normal. It’s like I’m barely qualified to live as a human.”

Her eyes were glistening with a soft, pearlescent glow as her eyelids hung low. I couldn’t help but focus on them as she gave me a caring gaze that was no less than hypnotic.

I had never been looked at in such a way.

“I understand. That makes a lot more sense. Thank you for giving me your honest feelings.”

“See!? That’s exactly what I’m talking about! What is there to thank me for? I just ranted about how pathetic I am! What’s so great about that? What did I ‘accomplish’?”

I didn’t mean to raise my voice at her. I was getting frustrated. But nonetheless, I did. I was beginning to recognize that I had a problem with getting loud when I felt cornered.

But regardless, she didn’t flinch a bit, nor did her expression wane. It felt like Hanako had been ready to take the full weight of my emotions from the start. Either that or she simply didn’t care.

“My master… I’m sure you’re aware that I’m far from human. But what you seem to be less conscious of is that in the same vein, I don’t think like a human either. I’ve never acquainted myself with one before I met you. I do not understand what your kind considers normal, nor do I really have any innate desire to. Of course, you are the sole exception. But that would not change whether you were human, demon, or otherwise. I have already resolved myself to spend the rest of your lifetime acting as your servant. I would like to think that I was born to do so.”

She pulled her arms behind her back again. Firmly holding them there, as if it were an expression of emotion which her face didn’t know how to convey.

“I don’t know other humans, and I didn’t get along with many demons during my time in The Nether either. I’ve spent much of my lifetime contrasting myself with other succubi, and was miserable for it. And so I have no interest in comparing you to others who hold no meaning to me. I find ever more enjoyment in admiring your accomplishments for what they are in their most raw forms. I apologize if I have gone overboard in expressing that. But I assure you, my respect for your character and excitement for your developments is as real as my devotion to you.”

I was entranced by her words. A trance strong enough to make me want to believe in them.

Deep down, I must have already wanted to trust Hanako. I wanted to appreciate myself in the same way that she was able to appreciate me.

Or maybe it could have been anybody. Maybe I just wanted such a special person in my life to appear so bad that when it was right in front of me, I refused to accept it because I had already resigned such a dream to fantasy.

Maybe.

Or maybe I really was hopeless, and she was wasting her time on the likes of me.

“Would you give up on me? If I never learned to trust you?”

Without a single hesitation, the demon girl shook her head, her oversized horns adding weight to her movements.

“Well it would make things quite a bit more difficult for me, but of course I wouldn’t! I can wait until the end of time for you if you need, or beyond that!”

What a nice sounding answer. But it wasn’t a matter of choosing to believe in her words, either. She was right. Even if I wanted to, trust was something that would take time for somebody like me.

But in the very least, it felt possible. That was enough for now.

“I already know–that you’re different, I mean. I think it’ll take time, but… If you say you’re really okay with that, then… I’ll accept it too. Thanks.”

She nodded.

“Well of course I’m different from those other relationships you’ve had! I’m a su-cu-bus, after all!”

Even now, she thought to prod at me.

I couldn’t help but let a chuckle escape me.