Witchy Business

“You’ve been silently staring at those plants for thirty minutes now,” griped Alma. “I didn’t say anything when you quietly got up to remove your facemask. I didn’t say anything when you went to go get some of that green coffee you like to brew. And as much as I wanted to, I still didn’t say anything when you went to go dry your hair, because I know how much you hate when your ‘process’ is interrupted. But damn it, Heli, you’ve gotta have something by now!”

“Right, let me just grab my handy cosmic god-finder.” Heloise sighed, mug in hand. “What kind of place do you think I’m running here? You should be glad I’m doing this as a courtesy for you. This kind of service, I’d be charging a thousand insania a head."

"Alma is correct. Your process should have yielded any type of result by now. I am beginning to grow skeptical that your human magic is not cut out for this job after all—”

“Ah!” Heloise thrust a palm in Qu’l-Nia’s face. “Let me stop you right there. Human magic, as you like to call it, is a lot more nuanced than you give it credit for. There’s varying degrees of it and how it works on this so-called plane. I can’t begin to imagine how your god magic works but I can assure you, the stuff of us lowly mortals is nothing to scoff at. I take it Alma filled you in on some basic stuff, am I right? Menial jobs, etcetera? It’s technically used in trade work a lot. At least… that holds true for the lower-class stuff.”

“Oh, boy. Here we go…” Alma rolled her eyes.

“Not to toot my own horn,” the witch huffed before spitting further, “But my magic is like, in an entirely different league. You can’t compare me to those duds at the academy. The mystagogues didn’t know what to do with me! Advanced study. A dark god of the trees to pledge myself to. Mysticism of all kinds. Divination? Haruspicy? The correct pH level for your potting soil? I’m a witch-of-all-trades. I am my sovereign self. The universe is my bitch to bed! You want a real job done real right? You come to me!”

She took a loud, drawn-out sip from the mug she was holding. « Que sais-je ? Je ne suis qu'un humain, » she added.

“Are you done?” asked Alma.

“Ya know,” interjected Hwalín, tilting her head in a mockingly exaggerating manner. “I don’t think Lil Miss Witch here is all she’s cracked up ta be. All that bluster and what’s she got to show? Coupla sorry-looking plants.”

“Oh, I finished up a while ago.” Heloise took another sip from her mug of verdant coffee. It gave off an intoxicatingly earthy aroma.

“What?! Why didn’t you say anything? What have you been doing all this time?”

“Well, since I already got them out, I figured I’d also go lookin’ for another nuckelavee since you so kindly disseparated the last one. No luck, by the way. You better pray I find one.” The witch sighed. “You really did catch me at an awful time, Alma.”

Hwalín leaned over and whispered to Alma, “I do have a lighter with me. Light one little plant and this whole place’ll go up in smoke.”

Alma gawked at the witch before shaking her head resignedly. “Fine, whatever. What. Did. You. Find?”

“Something odd… but something nonetheless. You’re totes gonna wanna brace yourself for this one.” Heloise set her mug down and clasped her fingers together in front of her. “So, as you know, trying to discern a concrete result from these newly grown saplings is much more of an art than a science. I want to say it’s a real pain in the butt, but I really do love playing with the little ones. Plants, of course. Human children are awful, aren’t they? Anyway, it’s a bit complicated trying to explain how this works so I’m just gonna talk and you can pretend to understand. Now, having looked closely at the uh-huh… and the yeah… also the mmm and ohh of that… we sensed some strange fluctuations over near the Akhlut Mountains. Which I might have almost dismissed entirely as noise but there was a strange, more distinct aura I detected around there as well. It… gave me the impression of you, Alma.”

“Me?” Alma looked visibly confused. “You sensed me up in the mountains?”

“…Something like that.” There was a rare tone of concern in the witch’s voice. “More like something with a strong connection to you. It’s definitely weird. It’s like something’s saying you have to go up there. I personally don't like it."

"Then that is where we must go," stated Qu'l-Nia. "Let us prepare to depart at once."

Alma and Hwalín nodded.

"You do have your delusions of world-saving, don't you?" Heloise fiddled with her fingernails, indifference now marring her attitude. "Far be it from me to keep trying to stop you now."

"The offer to come with us still stands."

"No, no. I've more important things to deal with." Heloise waved dismissively. "You've got your thing, I've got mine. Our star-crossed paths were just meant to… stay crossed.”

Alma scratched her head.

“Besides, I don’t think I mesh well with your new friends here. You know how some people will just never get your brand.” The witch shook the contents of her mug while smirking. “It’d be so much easier if you stayed here with me instead. We can kick back, relax and take in what I’m sure will be a totally bitching apocalyptic light show from the comfort of my backyard.”

“She makes quite a tempting offer, mate,” said Hwalín, arms crossed. “You gonna let it sway you?”

“What?! Of course not.” Alma slammed her hands down on the desk. “Heli, if you’re really not too keen on coming with us, then… I guess this is goodbye. Thanks for helping us out. It really means a lot.”

Heloise couldn’t help but frown. She knew just how stubborn Alma could be. It was a trait they shared and it was one she understood well. The witch gently placed her hand over Alma’s and looked away, sighing. “You stupid bitch.”

“Yeah?”

Heloise couldn’t help but chuckle. “Just be careful. I don’t want to lose my best friend as soon as I’d gotten her back. I mean, can you imagine? If someone I actually chose to make friends with just up and died on me? I wouldn’t be able to show my beautiful face anywhere.”

Alma placed her other hand on top of her friend’s fingers and gave them a gentle squeeze. “I’ll be alright. You worry too much… in your own unique way. But I know you. And I know you believe in me. You know I’ll come back.”

“I… believe you believe that I believe in you.” Heloise yanked her hand away before winking. “But don’t let it get to your head! I know my belief in you is all you need to move mountains, but that doesn’t mean you can get all cocky and accidently shoot yourself in the face or something.”

“Alright then!” Alma pumped a fist in the air. “Hwal, gather our things. Q, we’ll meet you outside. I have one last thing I need to talk with Heli about. In private.”

Heloise pressed her fingers to her chest while quietly mouthing "Me?"